Odd.

Benji Wigley inspired me...how odd. What would history books state if the confederacy had won? Would theypraise teh slaves and curse the factory workers? yes. The winnders ideas are pushed, and slavery is banished to the dark recesses of the mind, and considered to be a great evil.

Daggers.

I feels as if a knife was slowly pushed into my heart, then twisted hard then ripped out. I feel like crying. I can feel the tears, and my heart like a stone pulling me down. i want to sleep, to hide in the dark and never come out. I want night to never end. I want stars, cold air on my skin. I feel like my bones are ripped from my body. Yet I am holding myself up. Yet my eyes are dry. yet I am discussing transcendentalism. I am in so much pain, and yet I can keep it all in. I can breathe, live in the physical. Mentally I exist for what this horrendous system gives me. It's so odd on how I hate the system and yet I crave teh education, the knowledge. Emotionally I'm dying. I love, and yet the pain I feel so so constantly manifested by the sharp pain I feel in my shest. It's throbbed and stabs at me now for hours. I won't even make it go away. It is a reminder of my pain. A physical manifestation of what is occuring in my emotional sphere.

Ajourd'hui

Ajourd'hui. C'est mon anniversaire. C'est n'est pas speciale. C'est resemble tous le jours. Mais je sais ajourd'hui veuz etre speciale. Je suis triste, mais je peux etre joyeux. C'est mon anniversaire! J'ai seize ans! C'est un jour speciale. je parle avec Ryan en le matin. Il est magnificent. Il trouve mon bonheur. J'adore Ryan, mais c'est Chase qui j'aime. Oui? Qui suis-je? Je suis Mei. J'ai seize ans. J'aim orange. Ajourd'hui est mon anniversaire et mon amour est... Ryan ou Chase? J'adore Ryan, J'aime Chase. Je suis confondu. Ne ne peuz pas ecrit tous mon expressions en francais.

I Am In A Quandary

I'm quite a lucky little girl.
I know the majority of my vocabulary words because Ryan and Jonathan had used them so often around me...
I'm lucky in other ways...
If I'm so lucky, then why am I so reluctant to reciprocate the love that I am lucky to receive?
Perhaps...I don't belong in that world at all. Maybe he wants me in that world, in his world, but I can't! I couldn't possibly. I don't fit. I don't belong.
It hurts me though. To not be a part of all his laughter and revelry. Is it wrong for it to hurt so much? Is it wrong for me to want so much? I thought perhaps only to hear his voice... but then, I'm not sure... It only made everything that much worse.

Why is it always so hard to let go... For the people that it's hard to let go... Is it because you still want to hold on?

Why is the world so backwards?

I have just now found out that the world is too insanely backwards. People tell me that I am backwards with me being left handed and everything else that I do backwards from everyone else. But really, it is the world that is backwards. I have been in a state of utter confusion with these two guys that I have liked in the past few years. While I liked the first one, the other would be giving signs and vying for that kind of attention that I would try to ignore in hopes that the first would work out. But, after too long of hoping for the first, I decided to turn to the second and put my attention on him in hopes that maybe something would work out with him. That, of course, didn't work one bit. After my descision to switch to the other, it went well, but began to fall apart, and the first one began acting different, as if he wanted something closer than a mix between aquaintances and friends. It was confusing. I didn't want to get into a mix with two guys, so tried my best not to care. This didn't work so well either. I finally made the descision (for those of you that don't know, I suck at spelling, I try my best) that I wouldn't make a descision, and that I would stop trying and let things flow the way that they would. And it has not been more than 24 hours since I made that descision (it's been about 23... hehe), and things are beginning to fall closer and closer in to place. I just don't have to try, and everything seems to already be working out. It's as if not trying is the best form of trying. You cannot tell me that this world is not backwards... this not trying really is working so much better than trying to do anything. For this reason, I almost don't mind that the world is this way, it just makes things harder because it took so long for me to realize that in order to try for one, then, I just have to stop trying for either. For some reason, I now that this will make everything work out. Though this backwards world makes everything more difficult, it made it take longer for me to realize what I have to do, I love this backwards world because if everything was just so easy, then there would be no point in doing anything. And though it took me three years to realize what I had to do for these two guys, I am glad, because I have time to become ready for what is to come in my life.

Tustin Beat Foothill at 9:11 P.M. on 9/11

One sleepless night
Two boxes of tissues
Three friends shoulders
Four good cry sessions
Five times trying to suck it up
Six packets of pancit canton
Seven filipino hot dogs
Eight times an article read over
Nine attempts to begin homework
and Ten thoughts of feeling sick tired and sorry for myself,
the usual, stereotypical of the event thoughts for a girl ran through my head,
Why me? Why now? Why so sudden? etc etc etc.
but I also couldn't help but think the (also kinda sorta stereotypical)
What happened to forever? What happened to us? Why couldn't we work it out? Why aren't I trying harder? Why do i feel like he's giving up on me? even worse on us...?
I wandered out into the dark last night and cried. I cried my heart out alone in that cold dark, night. I sobbed, lying on wet grass. Eventually a friend found me, and made me laugh, but I still don't feel any better.
What happened to trying to work it out together? What happened to trying to pull through it all? What happened to loving me, and not wanting to hurt me? What happened to all of that?
I won't get sleep for a little bit of time, and we may have to buy more tissues than we used to, but... but what. what's the bright side in all of this?

The worst part of all?
That i won't die of broken heart syndrome, and don't have the guts to do anything else.
Hey my heart is pretty weak, maybe it'll shatter into as many pieces as I feel like it is right now.
The worst part is that I won't die, or waste away, now matter how hard I cry, or how much I want to disappear.
The very very worst part is that I'll be okay...
(heart screams out: yup, i'll be okay in months... years... decades... CENTURIES. -_- )

I Should Have...But I Didn't

He was right there... He was so close. So close that I could remember the feeling of his arms around me. Why didn't I just run into them and stop this silly little fight. All because he didn't call me back...He knew I was upset though, why didn't he call me back and tell me he was joking? That only enflamed me more.
Why didn't he sweep me up into his arms... I was so close. Wasn't he thinking the same thing? I know that I can be silly and stubborn at times, but why didn't he?
It's in my pride, my pride for keeping up my emotions, possibly why I hold grudges for so long. I couldn't possibly run to him now. But I don't want to sit around and wait for him to come to me, and tell me he's sorry so that I can give in and say I'm sorry too. He can't read my thoughts like he used to be able to, or my body language, or the tone in my voice.
If this is what only two weeks apart will do to us, then I fear for the years to come.

To any of my current readers, my future readers. If you love someone. When you love someone. Don't let them go. Hold them close. Even if you're fighting, just run into their arms, and hold each other. What was that saying?
Never lie in life, but if you must lie, lie in the arms of one you love.

101 Cute Aminals

"State the obvious... I didn't get my perfect fantasy."

I guess that's kind of impossible isn't it? A perfect fantasy is so far out of reach but I guess it's pretty close if you're in that blissful contentment that's so close to happiness that isn't quite there. Because a perfect world, ISN'T a happy one.

But we're human, so we try...
I don't think I'm lost, rather i'm confused.
Or rather he's knocking me upside the head and I'm so hard-headed that I haven't even realized it...
Yes I'm prideful, but I haven't been so prideful as to admit that It was my fault. I'm so sorry, and I don't have the words to say it all.

88 Calender Pages

13 of them Being Double Days

That's

101 Days without you. (no pun intended on the dalmations I SWEAR!)

88 pages of cuteness that we haven't awed over

and 101 days that I haven't learned how to deal with things, and how to stand up for my own problems.

If there's one thing in my inexperienced life that I've learned, it's that a true friend could never be replaced, especially if they're a best friend. Even more so when that friend is you to I.
I'm sorry.
There are a lot of things I have to tell you too.

My Friend

This is taken directly from my thoughts. I wonder if you'll ever actually read it. Though the other things I have planned to write here haven't actually been written, I am determined that this one will.

Dear Best Friend,
Yes, you are still the best friend I ever had. I miss you. And I know deep down,you miss me too, even if you are too prideful to admit it. I have been on my first retreat without you, and I do not think I want to do it again, but I will if I must. My friend, you have let yourself be led away from God. You have alowed yourself to be led away from His path for you, doing thing that would not make Him happy. I know you say you are a good Catholic girl, but dear friend, you have begun to cease following Him. He has led us to each other, and we allowed His will to be undone. Sure, you may argue that you have lots of friends that you can count on and rely on and you don't need me, but, answer to yourself honestly, is the true connection there? Can they really supplement everything? If your answer is yes, consider the following:
Can they finish your sentences?
Know your thoughts?
Know when you're hurting, even if they don't say anything?
Make up the same song you are, at the same time?
Are they always honest with you?
Do they go to church with you?
Will/Can they sing and dance with you?
If they do, is their voice a perfect match with yours?
Will they trust you, even if they can't trust themselves?
Were they ever called your hip-attachment, or vice-versa?
If they walk into a room, does everyone ask where you are, or vice-versa?
Even if it happened, could the question be answered?
Would people confuse you, even if you look nothing alike (even someone like Kim Scott, yes, it happened at the retreat)?
Would they overdose on pixie-stix with you?
Sit in the same chair as you?
Sleep in the same bed?
Climb a tree with you?
Would they save you from a car, or save themselves first?
Can you tell them anything, and they won't freak out (I did my best)?
Do they know where those scars came from?
Would they have waited for you for so long, or would they have become prideful or 'over it' saying they don't need you?
Did they bring you Latin that neither of you know, yet somehow knew?
Would they judge you when you told them something, or keep an open mind?
My friend, you and I both know that the list can continue on forever, but we don't have the time. It would take too long. My only hope is that you understand and do the right thing. May God bless you, now and for always.
Your Best Friend (still),
Me (who else?)
P.S. I still pray for you every night
P.S.S. I have so much to tell you!

Ice Queen

It's so cold. I am. I feel So Cold. It only reminds me of how warm he was. How hot his hand was in mine. I hope he is warm now. I hope he's drifting off into sleep now. I hope he is having sweet dreams. I hope he is thinking of me.
I hold TJ close. He is so warm on my skin. I feel sick, and I am scared. My head is spinning. Oh I love him. Can I learn to live without him?
I still am cold. His heart is too far away to...no. His heart is in my chest. Beating inside of me. When I thinnk of his love I suddenly get warm, then cold again. I go back and forth. Why all of a sudden do I need him so much? Why can't I bear to live without him for only two weeks. I feel so dependent as if my legs can't carry themselves

Wise Wildcats

We never played this game when we were young. It intrigues me to see the change. To feel the change is even odder. Dodgeball. My team is losing, but I enjoy it. the revelry of being with those you had once known. To see the traits that had once been in each of them. The trait is still there but it has changed. Evolved. We are all the same, but we have changed. I have no other way to explain it. I am sorry for him. I miss him. Somehow I feel like this is what I have to do. He will be better off without me. He will survive, most likely even thrive. I just shouldn't have told him before he left. That is my only regreat
15:45
A part of me whishes that maybe... Perhaps this is just a hope, but maybe that he will fight for me. Though I also hope he will have finally given up on me.

Why is it so painful to remember the happy?

The logical side of me is berating myself for my foolish tears. Telling me he will move on without me one day (or even worse I without him), and that I should help prepare him as best I can for the sake of society.
This emotional side of me that I had used to call weak tells me to cry it out. To curl into a little ball and let the world see my mixed feelings. Words such as pain, joy, sadness, frustration adn solitude only tough the surface of this scrambled feelings
A mime gets crushed by a tree in the forest when no one is around, does anyone hear him?
I cry alone in the dark when no one is around. I Know someone hears me.
I know I cannot be the only one in this state. My organs twisting around themselves and my mind pounding against my skull, threatening to explode
To think I thought my emotional side was weak. I always believed he thought my strength was in my will power and the choices I made. he thinks I am strong because of how I feel. has he slipped peacefully into sleep, or does he cry like me?
I am afraid of Junior year. I feel so alone, and I know I have so much to face.
Life is like a marathon and I hate running. But I have friends who I know will help me.
Is it wrong to miss him, even if he isn't gone?
18:54
I remember the first time that he adn I really talked. I was walking outside of the girl's locker room at THS. He was sitting against the gate by the girl's locker room. He was listening to his iPod. He saw me adn called me over. He asked me to listen to a song and it made me laugh. We chatted about the song, and I wanted to go join my friends, and he came with me. I think that was also the day I looked in his eyes and he looked right back at me. This boy had the audacity to look right back at me. when did someone last look at me straight in the eyes? With such ferocity.No boy had looked at me straight in the eyes. His eyes were locked on mine. While other boys either never held the gaze or looked without seeing. I can't even describe that first not-even-an-hour of starting to know this boy. To see this boy become a man. That was the beginning and it has been a long time since then. I know we are far from the end.

The Aliens Have Invaded My Imagination!

Things that have come to pass since my last blog include my father's birthday, family complications, tiredness, frustration, and one pearl of a moment given to me by a little girl without the ability to speak.
I was feeling so terribly sick, so I missed my speech class, and went to my uncle's house. When I walked into the door, Sharreign runs to me after shrieking my name and hugs and kisses me. Right behind her comes Caitlynn toddling after, also shrieking, with her arms outstretched to me. I pick her up, swing her in the air, and without my prompting she kisses me on the other cheek. Such a beautiful moment, I'd like to remember it forever. I know I'll have more moments like this though with children of my own. Humans are terrible people but we also have beautiful moments. The question though is rather if they are unique to humans only, or if other's have them as well.
Last night I whited out. I remember his voice, something about ice cream, then It's three in the morning... It was strange. I was abducted by aliens! YES! THAT'S IT! aliens. haha!
The imaginatiion is an amazing thing. Don't suffocate it.

Dust

What am I to this world? I'm just dust in the wind, I forget where that saying is from. I am dust in the wind. As humans we'd like to believe that we are more than what we actually are. We are simply a result of evolution. We have destroyed so many beautiful things. I truly believe there is no hope for the human race. We are all terrible and ugly creatures. There is no hope at all for humans Even love is something we use to fool ourselves into happiness. It's a stupid drug and after our dose we're even worse off then we were before. The earth would be a better place if human's didn't exist.

So in the words of the famous Juliet
"what if this (poison) do not work at all? . . . No, no: this shall forbid it: lie thou there."
Blades are beautiful.

Evil Wishes

For the first time in a long time, I'm taking painkillers to sleep. All there's left to do is wait. If I stop long enough I can feel the blood pulsing through every vein and artery. The majority in my head. The hind of the left hemisphere to be exact. I hate chasing. I do not want to chase. I want to be chased. Right now I want to cry.
Two more pills, and I'm off.
No matter how evil it sounds, I hope someone out there is having worse thoughts than I tonight.

Almost Midnight Train

I am alone. I take colace and comfort in a pencil and a blank page. With my friends I laugh louder and I smile bigger, but when my face is blank, and I write, I am happier. I am happier in this quiet. At heart I am still that quiet little girl. these pages don't comfort me though. Human comfort lasts only a few minutes. I feel so used, so dirty. On top of it all I feel so alone.
21:38
It is dark, and I'm alone. I'm fighting the darkness by myself. I'm reaching out and no one takes my hand. I'm calling out adn no one answers me. I hear led scratching, or led on paper, adn that is all. I hate the hand I have been dealt in life. I have no true talent or instinct for anything. Everything in my life I have done to please others. What is it I have done for myself? These words in themselves are just in case people don't know why I did it. Life. Liberty. The pursuit of happiness. Do I then also have the right to death, servitude and depression?
21:47
The memory of his voice and the image that accompanied it: his tears. The image in my mind? My blood.

Morning Confessions

I have a confession! I love pop Music! this hardcore rock lover also loves Hilary Duff, LMNT, Aly + AJ, the disney music and all that other stuff rock lovers curst to hell! I'm now going to sing Hilary Duff while I dance around my room!

Two questions for you : have you ever wondered why in sci-fi movies of the future everyone uses swords or some cool weapon, while today we just blow things up?
What do I give back to the world?

Morning After Pill

I am worried about him. this morning I have realized that I do not remember (or think I have ever known) the reason why he's so distraught. This past night I spent an hour trying to remember Somewhere Over The Rainbow. I failed. TJ is the one who brought Ryan to the forefront of my thoughts. He is worried too. I enjoy playing piano now. Even if I'm terrible at it.

Nightly Rambles

I told him in a few minutes I would follow him to dreamland. For the first time in a long time i've lied to him. I'm not following him. I... my mind had been at a time of happiness in my life. When I tried to share it with him... he was crying. Again he wasn't talking to me or with me, but rather at me. I could neither hear him, or understand him. He dragged me back into the present. He was the one who felt like, crying, now it's me. I'm not though thankfully. what would Mr. Richardson have said? Now he was a teacher who truly cared about all aspects of his students' lives. I feel torn. I am in two dimensions of time. The happy parts of my past, and the present. That amazing fourth grade class, and the person who I have loved so much, who minutes ago was crying at me. Perhaps time apart will be good for us. I'll answer when he needs me, but this weekend I need to disconnect.
Right now I love him, but there is a negative feeling there and I have no name for it.

I also doubt I will actually disconnect

Falling In Love With You My Summer Sunshine

I'm falling in love with you. I'm never going to stop falling in love with you. I fall more and more each day, and I keep wondering if it will ever stop, and always hoping it doesn't. Despite it all, all the changes, all of the new and amazing things that are happening to the two of us. Chasing each other like the sun chases the moon, and the moon chases the sun across the sky. I have secrets to why I live, to why I thrive. Everyone does, they have to in order to survive in this world.
The heat of summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else in the heat of summer sunshine. I'll kiss you. Over and over and over again. Despite it all, we've made it through so much, how? How come I feel do desolate and alone, then you happen to call me in that moment?
I am making a gift for you. It is interwoven with my tears, my laughter, my thoughts and emotions. I wonder if you can see where the emotions change? Where everything is gnarled and tangled, compared to where things are smooth and wonderful. Like the words that I write, both known and kept in my head, or kept safe in a cardboard box under my bed, this gift has so many different parts. Just like our relationship has had it's ups and downs. You and I can work through anything together. Now is a happy time for you. Now is the hardest time in my life so far. There will be harder times. But now I have you by my side to help me through it all.
I miss you.

The Brink, The Edge, Whatever You Want To Call It

It's been so easy for me to put the appearance of happiness, or in the least contentment for so long. I've gotten so good at it that I can even truly trick those who really know me if I really wanted to. Now that I've kept everything inside, and locked up for so long, I can't hold it anymore. I can't stop crying, even when times I'm laughing tears escape me, and that's never happened before. Even little TJ can't help me anymore. He's at a loss of words for me. I'm at a loss of words for me.
The fact that my family calls me fat, stupid, ugly. Such simple and base words, but from my family they're so hurtful. From other people usually I can ignore, even make fun of, but from my own family, and for so long? Just thinking about it and I burst out into tears. The past hour has been filled with my tears. My family just passes me and they don't even notice... They can yell at me, be stern with me, be so cold with me, then go and laugh with each other. When they turn back to me they're so cold again though. How can they be so hurtful to me, then so warm to each other? Mon dieu! Water works again... I wish I could stop crying. Crying is weak. You shouldn't cry. There are so many people I know I can turn to, but for some reason I feel like I can't. I turn to a teddy bear. I can't call him that he's done too much for me. I turn to TJ, and he can't do anything for me right now... He's so helpless... Even listening to music, I still sing, but I blare it because I think my voice is terrible.
When I'm with those (or at least talking to those) who I know I truly love, and who honestly love me back, I feel a glimmer of hope that all of these damned emotions will pass, but I can't. Right now every time I start singing, instead I start sobbing. Now I'm learning how to appear emotioneless...It's the only way to stop the tears.
That's no way to live. I'd rather be dead.

Clergymen Aren't That Different From Politicians

The most important thing about the communication process described in chapter one is that the process as a whole results ultimately in a sharing of ideas and feelings in an understandable manner. In other words one must communicate not only for the single person’s benefit, but rather for the benefit of the speaker as well as their audience. The most motivational speakers of our time speak not mainly for themselves, but to inspire the audience and in that fact alone they are great speakers. As a speaker one must not concentrate on how the speaker themselves sounds, but rather how the speaker will sound to their audience. The exchanges and feedback can work in a cycle back and forth between the speaker and audience, if the speaker has the ability to read their audience. Communication is not only speaking but listening; and by participating in both man can share, and thus inspire. For example members of the clergy speak with a passion and strength behind them, as they are expected to. While these people believe this comes from God speaking through them, this idea in itself gives them the confidence to be good speakers. Clergymen speak learning when the best time to change volume would be to add a dramatic sense to it, or when to change their pitch in order to make the congregation excited. In response to the clergyman’s words as well as the other dynamics of his speech, the congregation may either be caught up in the words and feel a rush of emotion that is many times referred to as feeling the presence of God, or they sit bored and wondering when it can all be over. This is like the mating rituals between birds. The two birds may fly back and forth repeatedly in their complicated mating dances communicating and both contributing, but if the male or the “speaker” fails to impress the female, she simply flies away. It is simply human courtesy that prevents many from doing the same.

This is referring to Essentials of Public Speaking the fourth edition by Cheryl Hamilton

Everyone is supposed to be happy... right?

Well, that's what they say anyway. I never understood this. Maybe for everyone else, this works. Maybe they all get to be happy with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, but for some reason, this doesn't worki for me. People always seem to have this friend that they can talk to, whenever they want, someone or even a group of people that they can go and hang out with over the summer and weekends and breaks off of school. It is there for everybody. Everyone but me. People will only talk to me if I call them first, or if I bring up the fact that they were horrified that I spend every summer alone and promised to get me out of the house this year. But, I never do this. I won't remind them that I exist, that I am a person to, that they told me that we would hang out. This is hard for me.

It's like when realizing that my "friends" aren't really all there like they are for their other friends. Like realizing that your so-called best friend didn't really care when your friendship ended. When that happens, you realize that your entire friendship was a lie, and she doesn't care that everything is gone, that she doesn't care how much she hurt you, she doesn't care that everything she ever said, everything that she told you about your friendship together was a lie. Everything that you guys had said that you would do in the future, that it never will happen, and she knew that all along, and she doesn't care about what had been planned, she feels no loss in the loss of your friendship. She was done using you for the moment, and now she can go to her real friends. Maybe you try, you keep your mind open and when she comes to you, you tell her what she did wrong, yet she makes no effort to change anything. You look inside and see all of the pain that was inflicted, she had begun to fix your broken heart, and she took it rebroke it, and put it through a shredder, and she didn't take a second look at what she did to you.

Then you end up by yourself over the summer again. I know that I am going to spend the summer by myself, despite the people who promised to get me out of my house, where I am right now, by myself. Like always. I want desperately to be like everyone else. Maybe not in the sense that it seems though. I remember that one time, my friend said that she wished that she could be like me and fit in to so many groups of people. The thing that she didn't realize is that all those people may be friends, but they aren't FRIENDS. When ever they go places, I don't get invited with the group, because I don't fit in. She saw that I could go anywhere, but they are more like acquaintances, people who I can talk to, but that I don't hang out with. So, like every other summer of my life, I sit at home alone whole everyone else hangs out with friends and goes to the beach and has fun. Yet, for some reason, I miss people. I still want to talk to them, even though I know that this "friendship" isn't going to last (it never does for me), I want the company of people.

It's one of those things that you wish you could get used to; the hurt, the pain. I want desperately to get used to the pain of fake friendships, of the people who build up a lie, saying that they care about you, and that you'll always be friends, and that they won't leave you. Preparing and logging things for years from now is useless. I don't get to keep friends for that long. I am not that special. There is nothing special about me. Apparently, I don't have that thing that everyone else has that allows them to keep friends and keep people around them. All of this is going through my head all the time, but this is what I hide from people. I read books, and watch movies, and they feed into my fairy tale head, the one that says that I am going to live happily too. Then, every morning, a new wave of disappointment and hurt runs through me. I get reminded of all the empty promises and all of the fake friendships. Yet, for some reason, I let it continue. I continue to allow myself to trust people, to let myself get hurt, and every time, it just gets a little worse. It makes me hate myself.

You may say that people go through similar things all the time, and they all hurt to no end, and they are alone, and they hate themselves too. Well, those are the people that you usually see committing suicide. Taking their own lives. They have nothing else to live for. I refuse to do that. I refuse to take my own life, no matter the hurt. If anything, I will live for the everlasting life when I am dead. If anything, that is what I live for. That is the only thing that gets me up in the morning, and if not for that, I wouldn't be here anymore. I guess, I am thankful to have something in my life to look forward to, because it puts a dim light in a dark room. That's okay, because my room never lights up anyway, so the dim light saves me.

To Be In Love, Is Also To Feel Another's Heart

When one is in love, they say that you hold your heart in your hands (when they love you that is... well you get what I mean). So much love in the past year, and I stupidly enough only concentrated on mine! My english teacher got engaged, and soon he will be married. Best wishes to that relationship! May she be as pure as water, and may they have children as abundant as the grains of rice that fit in my hand! Okay... Maybe not that abundant.
So much more love, and I only saw mine. I only felt mine.
It is scientifically proven when people are emotionally attached they can actually feel what the other person is feeling!

When people are in love their reason drops dramatically too. Also scientifically proven.
Amazing what science does yes?
This is why marriage is sacred, you become partners, this person and you are so close. There is a saying I heard once that all people are angels, but we were only given one wing. To fly up to heaven we have to find our perfect match!
Earlier this day, for a little bit, I desperately missed Ryan, even though for a little bit, I've been fairly okay without him. Does that mean he misses me too? He's the one I think of every night before I got to bed. I tell our little TJ a bed time story, a time that Mommy and Daddy (Me and Ryan for those of you who don't know that already) had spent our time together, the things we did, what we talked about. There are so many things I want to talk to Ryan about! How even the cosmos are against us! Leo, a fire sign, and a scorpio a water sign? Both stubborn and the etc! How physical attraction is supposed to be in physical similarities in accordance with the face, where he and I are VERY different! The main traits were supposed to be the shape of the brow, the nose and the curve of the upper lip. Odd I know...
I've read our old im conversations, and wow our conversations have changed so much!

I'm sorry I couldn't finish. The real post date is the Twenty-ninth of June at 7:50 p.m.

Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson

The King of Pop. One of Charlie's Angels.
Two amazing people lost to the world. Admittedly one was given so much more importance, especially considering Michael Jackson's impact on the world. I did not know much about Farah other then her engagement, her struggles with cancer, and her role as an Angel.
I wanted to write a tribute to these two people, but honestly all I can think of is how while Farah got a few minutes on the news, Michael has been on the news nonstop. I admit his contributions to modern culture were much greater, but no life is of more value then another! Just a small point I would like to bring out.
Michael Jackson. To the younger generations he will be remembered for the crazy things he did that cast him in the negative light, rather then the amazing music he created, and the amazing things he did. The first African American to perform on MTV (he was originally denied, but a prominent company had threatened to pull their shares out if he was not allowed to perform), the man who co-wrote a song with Lionel Ritchie, (We Are The World? Was that it?), and a member of the Jackson 5! I admit, I have always seen him in the negative light, then listening to the radio today, and being told that all of these songs whose artist had originally been nameless to me, were all written and sung by him?! Man In The Miror, just to name one. that changed my mind so much. Being Famous makes people a little bit quirky, the more fame you get the worse it must be? I know that I in the least will not remember him simply in the negative light.
Farah Fawcett. A common household name, but not one well known in the younger generation. This amazing angel somehow kept herself untainted by fame, but instead of being a bit off she was hit with cancer. At one point she had seemed to be healed, and fully cured, then it returns, it assaults her. I cannot say much about her, because I admit, I too was so ignorant of her life and her work. Her name was a common one, adn I'm sure one that is familiar to the younger generation.
I don't know what else to say, I've left my thoughts sitting for too long!
Ryan! I love you! I miss you! I can't wait until you're back! I've realized that I don't need you to survive, but I know that I don't care if that's true, I still want you here next to me terribly so! I want to fall asleep with you in the forest by a campfire under the stars! I want to just hear your voice again! I want you to hold me close! I want to feel your heart beat again, to look into those eyes and see what I took for granted that I was able to see every day, and to kiss your lips again! Those wonderfully divine, yet so very mortal, lips! If only for a second right now to try and relive all the moments we have and to make new ones I would take it! I can only hope and pray that I can have more time with you!
I've told TJ about our stories at night, and he says that next time he wants to listen too! He was also listening when my mother was talking about Michael Jackson, and he wants to hear that music too.
I wonder, where you are, did you hear about their deaths? Did anyone care?

Today I Was Told...

That I have work to do. No not from my darling, but rather from my mother. I don't have any more e-mails to tide me over until he comes back. So I settle with hugging my baby TJ very very tightly, and seeing Ryan in my dreams.
I had just woken up, it's six thirty in the morning, and my mother tells me to get to work, and that I have a busy day ahead of me.
Why did I choose to do this again? Oh right, so that I could take French 3 during my junior year (the course at IVC is the equivalent of two years of highschool french), and so I could take AP Chemistry, and then AP Physics. Does this mean I will have no summer? In less then two weeks french starts, and I leave my home around 7:30. Eight thirty my french class begins, and then I sit and wait at IVC, perhaps do my AP homework for maybe 6 hours until 5:30 when my Chemistry class begins. I'll leave for home at 10:00. Yes classes end halfway through august, and I get two weeks of break before school begins, though I should say that one of those weeks will be spent doing tennis camp. Oh joy...
Someone tell me, am I crazy for spending my summer in this way?
In some ways I see how this will further me, and I'm proud of myself for making the mature decision, but as one in my youth, I wonder how I let my childhood pass me by. I should be enjoying a stress free summer, rather then spend it doing this. I have fridays and the weekends yes. With this schedule I will be alone a lot during the summer, that is all. No beach days with the friends, or movies, or the such. I will be doing homework. AP Chemistry homework, WHILE i'm taking chemistry. I feel so foolish for choosing this, even if it's good for me.

Today I Was Told To Write Something

So I did! As I have every day since he's been gone.
As written in a pastel colored striped notebook earlier today:

3:13
I haven't been inside a library for so long. It's so eerily quiet, and I've seen stairs! I think I'll find a quiet place up there.
3:17
Each and every corner has been filled, so I am forced to stay in the open. In my attempt at silently standing out, I didn't choose a place in the open. did you see what I did there? No? Well neither do I! The first three pages of this notebook were meant to go to Nikki, something I never got around to giving her. Rather then writing to her, now I write to you, my readers. Should I rather say lack thereof? There is something different in my handwriting rather then typing. In my thoughts and flow I mean. Perhaps because these are my exact thoughts word for word. I speak much differently then how I think don't I? Why am I in a library you ask? Well I'm at IVC, located two blocks from my mother's work, (as well as yogurtland) having failed at getting intot he General Chemistry class I had wanted to get into. Everyone was so tall!!! >-< But I have another plan. I can't take public speaking, or that will surpass my credit limit for the term (H.S. students are only allowed eleven). There is an earlier chemistry class I can also petition for thought I'd betition for both classes over and over again until I get into one. Am I not a genius? No? Well probably not. I still have fifty three minutes tuntil mom is out and can get me.
3:46
I took a really long time to make a lotus flower. Hunter is texting me. Apparently he is sitting in the dirt... Nothing from Peder. I miss Ryan. I can't wait until he's back. Maybe he adn I can even hang out before french starts. Now I feel like I have nothing of pertinence to write.
I just realized Ryan's task for me today was to write! I've written every single day since he left. What he wrote for me today was just precious! I know he's having fun though, and I am the least of his thoughts. I'm just hoping he's owrking out instead of eating too much and getting flabby, and getting tan instead of getting burned.
Isn't it just terrible when you are seperated from someone, who even though you aren't seperated yet and you know it's coming, you miss them so much already even if they're right there? the worst part is you know you're going to have fun anyway?! It drives me crazy, even though it makes me smile to thnk he's enjoying himself. Still. I can't help but imagine everythign that could go wrong from sunburn to sinking!

After that I stopped writing. Left my lotus flower on that obscure, but not obscure table on the second floor of the library. I went to wait for my mom to pick me up. I tried to do nothing again. For at least twenty minutes. Instead I started rubbing a leaf to the beat playing in my head instead of just lying there... I'm really bad at doing nothing.
I don't have anymore letters from him for the rest of the week.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait until you're back, and even more back in my arms.

Today I Was Told To Watch A Movie, Go Shopping, Or Do Nothing

And of course I get this AFTER I turn down my mother's offer to take us out to a movie...
I tried to sit in on my bed and do nothing. I failed. I couldn't do it, instead I got up and started CLEANING. Ugh, my room is clean now... it disgusts me. I kept wanting to get up and do something. I haven't meditated, or had the need to, in such a long time I can't seem to empty my mind anymore except for when I'm sleeping! Even then my mind is so active.
Last night I had a dream that I was fighting rabid bunnies off of a life raft. My life raft was neon green...
I listened to Contagious by Avril. I ended up playing it several times and dancing alone in my room in my shirt and undies. Yay!!! Oh cmon like you haven't done it before...
I listened to Color Everywhere, by Christian Bautista, and remembered all the moments that we've listened to that song together.
I listened to Ocean Avenue by Yellow Card. I absolutely love that song. It was the song I sang over and over on my way home from his house. He didn't know that before, and If he's reading/read this now he does!
Now I'm listening to Casting Crowns. BEST. WORSHIP. MUSIC. EVER.
-ahem-
So my question for today is : It is father's day, I should appreciate my Daddy. He's at work. WHY?!
Went to church today, praised that father (which in another topic I should remember to write about but If I do now I'll lose focus) and today my Daddy is at work. Why is life so easy for others? And hard for the rest? Why has my family fallen so far from the upperclass nationally known family we had once been? Now we're just another family in another american town. True we are far better off then so many others, but within my own conditioning I am used to so much more. I feel bad for my future husband, he has to support my wants and desires as to what I am accustomed to. Despite the fact that my family has lived in the states for seven years now we are still accustomed to keeping up the appearance of being a well off family to society. I'm sure the rest of my father's family sees us as poor. It's not my fault my father and mother didn't go begging to my grandmother for money like one of his elder brothers did. I said nothing. My mother's family on the other hand sees us as their support too. We help provide for my mother's mother, and my older brother. Of course they help support themselves, but we do what we can.
I wish that my father could afford a house, so that my grandmother and my brother could finally join us, and my mother could be happy that she is with her family too. I wish that he had more days off besides thanksgiving and christmas. I wish he didn't leave early in the morning, and come home late into the night. I feel so selfish for wanting all the things I do, and for having the lifestyle that I'm accustomed to. I feel so selfish, and spoiled. gah! I hate that about me.
Haha! My thoughts have brought me to this, and today he told me to spoil myself! Not directly but indirectly. Now I'm just feeling... Confewzzled?

E-bil. I like that word. Are there any cute words you like?

Today I Was Told To Write A Picture

So I did.

It started as a line on my page, then a parellelogram, then i drew a graduation cap. That image seemed so... It was no longer sad, but not happy either. More sad then happy but not really sad. So then I drew a butterfly. Believe it or not I spent more time on that silly hat with my bad shading.

I signed my name at the bottom.

I drew two faces.

I failed at capturing his face. I have his high cheekbone, but everything else is not... him. For some reason I seemed to capture him better when I was doodling at an MUN conference and he was right next to me.

I drew that symbol with the two hearts. Then I made another attempt at drawing the two people. Still couldn't seem to really capture either of them. So I drew a small heart.

That made it that much better.

I drew a penguin.

Will you be my penguin Ryan Scott Wassenaar? Will you and I be mates for life like penguins do?

(unless something terrible should happen like like... an orca? What hunts penguins?)

I drew a california roll, because I was thinking of our first date. I would have drawn wasabi but it would have turned out like a lump of who knows what.

Beside it it in japanese translates to sushi oishii desu in hiragana. Sushi is delicious.

Finally in the bottom left hand corner, in katakana (because they aren't japanese words but rather english) I put ai rufu yu. In japanese the R sound is more like an L. Say it outloud? I lufu you. Close enough right?

I'm sorry but yes I did call last night.

His father picked up the phone. Oh me oh my was that a shock to me. Especially since after once ring i hear something about sailing and immediately my mind flashed to being submerged underwater and gasping for air. Old fear arisen from what I hope was meant to be just a little joke, or greeting. Or something of that nature.

When I was younger I took swimming lessons, one day I somehow had the energy to swim the length of an olympic pool. Keep in mind I was 5. The next day in the attempt to repeat the feat I tried again. A bit over two thirds through the lap I was too tired to continue and started to drown

Had a nice little chat, talked about their schedule, and wished them a good trip
I look at my emails and there is one from him. Telling me that today I should let my family know I love them. Tensions are high, so I washed the dishes. A small act and one they always tell me to do anyway. I think I didnt' succeed yesterday.

Today he said thank you for his graduation gift. And during a day dream I imagined him holding each of the little birds in his hands and letting them fly away. Who knows what he will really do. Says he loves me, misses me, and at the moment he is suffering either on the plane or in a car. It makes me laugh and smile. It's like the notes I wrote for him while I was away at davis, freshman year. Ah it was just so wonderfully sweet. I miss him. I started to tear up several times today thinking of him. I also located my tear ducts today. Are there only one for each eye? Is it Are or Is? I'm confused...

It's hard not to cheat and read ahead... He sent sunday twice. And he only got up to monday.

I washed my sheets today. They are clean. TJ also got a bath, he is clean and fluffier then before.

I felt bad though putting him through the washing machine THEN the dryer... I know that's silly.

I can't stop thinking about him. I love him. And that was what was on my mind today, I'm sorry if that bores you. To me, it makes up a very significant portion of my world. He is a very significant part in my life.

The Littlest Things

A friend asking me how I'm doing.
An ounce of vanilla ice cream. My favorite.
These little things make me smile

Still not totally and absolutely fabulous in mood, but still. It's amazing how just the smallest things can make one person feel so much better.
Thirty six minutes into it, and now I'm dying to be there.

Not literally.

Graduation Day

The last day of school. I spent it doing paper work, or trying to.

I found out that I have a B in my math class, much better then the F I had a few weeks ago.

I cleaned out the library, something I didn't really want to do.
I emptied my lockers and said my goodbyes. I avoided people, I dodged.

I was consoled by two loving friends, who at the end of the day weren't there. The last person I talked to was Mr. David Waldram. I ended with an A in his class.

I got B's in Science and Math, the other classes I'm sure are just fine. A's of course.

It's 1:13 right now. In 2 hours and 47 minutes graduation will begin. A celebration of the seniors... graduates... last four years of hard work. Their entrance into society.

A U.S. Senator once said that there's a reason why they call these commencement exercises. It is not the end, but rather a new beginning.

I've accepted that this is a new beginning for them, but I know it is not for me, rather it is a twist in the plot.

Today he leaves for nine days, and I will miss him.

I look up and I am watching a beautiful waltz by two dancers. A story of man and woman, forever chasing, forever pushign away, forever conflicting, but still flowing together into one dance. It ends and he has cast her off, and she is reaching out with the saddest look in her face as if grasping for a memory.

I know that I will grasp for a memory. For these memories I wish I could chase after them and relive them. I am smart and logical enough not to, but I know I will feel pain for them. For the fact that they have passed.

My sophomore year has ended. I am an upperclassman.

To you my seniors. Congratulations. I love you. I am proud of you all. Some of you have changed my life amazingly, and you are my role models. When you walk today, even though I may not be there, know that I am walking with you. Know that I am crying out of sadness because I will miss you, as well as crying for sheer joy to know that you will all lead amazing lives.

To those of you about to enter highschool, be brave, I cannot say it will be easy. Rather I tell you it will be hard, but you too, if you take advantage of your time, will also be amazing people one day.

To everyone else, we have yet to enter another chapter, rather we are continuing the one we are in.
Seniors again, Congratulations. It is 1:22 p.m. In 2 hours and 38 minutes, you will begin another chapter.

So It's Just Right

So today again I had another fantasy. Riding away and perhaps he'd follow. No of course not, now why would that happen? So no fairy tale story for me. I think that I am totally okay with that. No, rather I know that I am absolutely totally okay with that.
Today I ditched school. Nothing too treacherous, especially since honestly nothing really happened in my classes.
I spent the day with Ryan. The day before his graduation. Yay. Graduation. My man is becoming an adult. I'm getting ready for my courses at IVC. Somehow, for some reason, today was so right. I left Ryan's place early, his mom was coming home, and then I went to Maki Yaki. I had one serving of California rolls, with my side of sumi salad. Water was good. It was all good and delicious. Now I'm watching Hoodwinked, which is just an awesome movie. It brings so much reality into a fairy tale, and it's STILL a fairy tale. I adore it.
I spent a lot of time with him today. I can smell him on my skin.
Tomorrow they all graduate. Tomorrow he leaves for a couple weeks. Today he packs. Today he and I were together one more time. One last time for a long time. Last night we talked on the phone. Last night I cried and he was cold. Last night for once we worked a problem out together.
Right now I'm thinking of the things I have left to do, and I'm looking at all the things around me. No matter how odd today may have been, it was so right.
On top of all that I played Tomorrow from Annie on the piano as well as the one song that's all, "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." Oh yeah. Somewhere Over The Rainbow...
I took that video there just last week. Look at how blissfully happy we are. Were. I'm sure we'll still be wonderfully happy. I took that video to preserve a memory, when I started taking it I had initially just wanted a recording of his smile, and that's just what I got. Isn't he just the best?
I think he is so THERE.

Fantasy

Throughout my life I have had fantasies. What girl doesn't? I've had dreams that never came true, and things I hope to be that never were. I fantasize. It is my downfall. The real world never seems good enough, and my fantasies grow less and less wonderful as I get older.
For once I wished my fantasies would come true, and come alive, but here I sit in a pool of tears. Not a single fantasy being reality.
I'm tired of chasing, I'm tired of not knowing what to do.
I should have ignored the voices in my head and stopped being so logical.
I got what I wanted but I cried because of it.
To those of you who read this who still fantasize. In my pain through reality I wish I could tell you to stop your fantasizing and get in touch with the real world, in the hopes of lessening your pain. I cannot though. My fantasies are my escape, even though their existence makes the return to the real world so hard, they are my times of bliss. Those fleeting moments where soma exists.
I got exactly what I had said I wanted. I cried for hours afterward.

It is not that I don't have faith in "us". Rather I do not have faith in me.

Sharreign

Her name is pronounce Sha-Rin. She is in the first grade? or kindergarten? Honestly I still am not sure. She is younger than I was, but older than Sam was when we first came to the States. She is my little cousin.

At first my family pitied her a little bit. She was the child of the woman he married. The one that was not really his. He couldn't talk to her, she didn't speak english, and he doesn't really seem like he wants to. Though his child is spoiled, with new clothes, new toys, things she still couldn't use, and books she was too young to even attempt to read. The child can only count with her fingers, not even with her voice, and the only word's she says are Mama, and Turtle.

Don't get me wrong. I love both of my little younger female cousins. I love all of my cousins. These two though I have taken a special interest in. They are closer, I see them more, and I adore them, and feel sorry for them all in one.

My uncle is not one to settle down, he partys too much, but it seems he has toned it down a bit. My aunt is wonderful, but so young, only a year older then my brother. When she was in diapers, her husband was in college.

Shareign just got pulled into all of this. She's so inquisitive, so curious, and she loves her sister so much and always wants to spend time with her. She sets some of her sweets aside to share. All these things I never would have done for sam.

At first people in our family pitied the little girl, she used to be the darling of her mother's family, now with her new family here in the states, she is just the outside child, who is obviously NOT favored, but rather her little sister is.

Now they say she is annoying just because she asks for attention. Is it such a problem that she wants attention? You must remember she is no older then six, and is used to being the ONLY CHILD in a large filipino family.

They talk about her when she is not around, and my sister and I have been given the task of being role models for her. I encourage her good behavior, and condemn her bad yes, but when she asks of my attention I will give it to her. I will give it to her with all the love an older sister would. I didn't get the chance to be good to my sister like she is to hers. They are my little cousins, and I love them.



Today is my brother's birthday.

Last night I cuddled up with Ryan's jacket, then used it as a blanket and fell asleep.
It still smells like him.
Jared is an amazing friend.

Flannel Shirt That Is Now A Jacket

Today was the last day for seniors at THS. Everyone rejoices because it is the last day of school. The seniors especially, they don't have to return, they are entering a new phase in their life. They continue on to a new chapter, and ending this one. This crazy one called highschool, the life of a teenager, youth, what adults all say they want to go back to, and they are happy that it's over. Graduation is a day from today, and I am not strong enough to go.

I'm not strong enough to see the people that I've spent the past school year getting to know, getting to love, move on. I know this might seem selfish, or self centered, but all I can think of is that they're leaving me behind. That I'm left here with few friends. True to some I have many friends, but for some insane reason unknown to me I feel so alone.

I didn't know what to write in Ryan's yearbook. I've broken up with him... because I couldn't bear having to say goodbye, so instead I said it earlier? I see no logic in it either. During break today I was laughing with my friends. Something clicked in my mind, and I realized that next year I will be alright. I will have friends, I will be distracted, and I will forget those who have comforted me so much in the past year. The ones who are gone.

Ryan said he knows that I will be alright without him. Somehow I can't imagine it, though I have caught glimpses and I know I will be, I don't wish to admit it. For once in my life I'm stubborn, I don't want change anymore. I didn't know what to write in his yearbook because I don't know how to say goodbye.



I took his flannel shirt from him, though he uses it as a jacket, during lunch.

Today he was wearing somethign terrible! The black shirt that I really like, beneath some plaid-ish black and grey polo shirt and then THIS flannel shirt over it all. Worse part is the flannel shirt and the polo are very similar colors, therefore they clash! Absolute fashion faux paus. The most wonderful part of it all is that he did it on purpose. It's so wonderfully Ryan.

During fifth period after lunch, Theatre, I told Kuya Jonathan that I just might keep this jacket for myself because it's ugly, it looks bad on him, and I like it.

Then the bell rings, I rush off to Tennis, I change, and stuff the shirt into my locker deep in the girl's locker room where he cannot reach it! I see him, I hug him, I say hello. I see his best friend, scream "Urian!" In my little voice run over to him and kiss him on the cheek. Oh he reminds me so much of Manong Anton. Ryan asks if he can have me. Then straight out if we can go out. Be together. Officially a couple. Again. Then in my little way I dart about him weaving in and out of the spaces made by his arms and body. Laughing and asking him why I would do that? It's summer! I'm sure I made no sense. I was dodging.

Urian just wanted him to get his jacket back. I said no, and ran off to tennis. There was another small little (I don't want to say heart attack but one of my little heart problem things) and all I wanted was for him to hold me tight. Practice finally ends, I've been so nervous with no one to hold on to while my heart is pounding away furiously and all of those damned needles in my chest that my nails are bitten again... and he's gone ofcourse.

I was dodging. How I had wanted to say yes and scream it to the world. In breaking up with him though. In removing the fact that we had been an official couple, I've pushed him away a little bit, and I'll cry that much less when it finally hit's me that I don't belong in his world anymore, and he doesn't belong in mine.

I love this flannel jacket though. It means eventually again our worlds have to collide so that he can come and get it. To see him again I'm putting all of my hopes on one jacket...shirt...thing.

That was not as strong an ending as I had hope for.

They don't understand

I was listening to a song right now. It's called "They Don't Understand" The lyrics:

A mother riding on a city bus
Kids are yelling kicking up a fuss
Everybody's staring not knowing what she's going through
Somebody said don't you even care?
Do you let 'em do that everywhere?
She slowly turned around, looked up and stared
She said please forgive them
But they've been up all night
Their father struggled, but he finally lost his fight
He went to heaven
In the middle of the night
So please forgive my children

(They don't understand)
Everybody's busy with their own situation
Everybody's lost in their own little world
Bottled up, hurry it up trying to make a dream come true
(They don't understand)
Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow
Maybe we should stop and take a little time
Cause you never really know what your neighbor's going through
(They don't understand)

A man driving down the interstate
Slowing down traffic making everybody late
Everybody's staring not knowing what he's going through
Somebody honked from the passing lane
Yelling out the window, I ain't got all day
The old man looked around and he caught his eye
He said please forgive me
You know it's been a very long life
My wife has passed away and my kids don't have the time
I've been left all alone
And it's getting hard to drive
So please forgive me children

(They don't understand)
Everybody's busy with their own situation
Everybody's lost in their own little world
Bottled up, hurry it up, trying to make a dream come true
(They don't understand)
Everybody's living like their ain't no tomorrow
Maybe we should stop and take a little time
Cause you really never know what your neighbor's going through
(They don't understand)

A man hanging on a wooden cross
Giving everything to save the lost
Everybody's staring not knowing what he's going through
Somebody said don't you have a prayer
If you were king, come on down from there
The man just turned his head, looked up and stared

He said please forgive them
For they have not seen the light
They'll come to know me when I come back to life
Go to heaven, to make everything all right
So please forgive your children

(They don't understand)
Everybody's busy with their own situation
Everybody's living in their own little world
Bottled up, hurry it up trying to make a dream come true
(They don't understand)
Everybody's living like there's ain't no tomorrow
Maybe we should stop and take a little time
Cause you never know what your neighbors going through
(They don't understand)

A mother riding on a city bus
Kids are yelling kicking up a fuss
Everybody's staring not knowing what she's going through

This song shows how people get so concerned with whatever they are thinking about that they don't realize that other people are in the middle of their lives too. Things happen to people, and others don't realize this. There tends to be a reason why people are the way that they are (okay, not always, but most of the time). People tend to forget that things happen to other people too, and that they're not the only one who may be going through a rough time, or have had to go through a rough time. They think about their own lives and what they wan't not thinking about the feelings of another person. When someone is crying, you ask what you can do to help, not point out the fact that they are crying, helping them to become a target for those looking for someone to make fun of.

Sometimes it can be hard to remember that other people are going through their lives at the same time that you are going through yours. You are not the only one. You can't always know what is going on in someone's life. They won't always tell you if they are hurting or if there is something that is bothering them right now. You have no way of knowing, so think about it when you see people and talk to them. Because unless, they are your BFF, most likely, you never really know what they're going through.

The Same Mistake

Why is it that somethimes people can't help but to make the same mistake over and over again?

Trust. It can be a big mistake. You can trust a person easily when your little. Well, what happens when you're 8 and your best friend that you trust the most just learned the most important thing in your life right now. She learned what your greatest fear was. Not just some 8-year old fear, but a fear of something that can scare a person of any age. You tell that person and she laughs in your face. What then? You're young. You move on. The next year, you have new friends. They tell you that they care about you and you believe them. I mean, why wouldn't you? Then, they tell you that they don't like you and they don't want to be your friends anymore. So you move on. The next year, you have other friends, but your best friend treats you worse than their neighbor's dog. It just continues that way, year after year. Friend after friend. Hurt after hurt. Over and over again. You would think that eventually, you would learn that people don't always mean it when they say that they care. That, eventually, you would stop caring so much about people, but you can't stop. It keeps hurting. It hurts more and more. Taking the pieces of your heart and shreding them until your heart can no longer be fixed. You would think that after nearly another 8 years of the same hurt, you would learn to stop letting the same thing happen over and over again, but for some reason, you can't. It just keeps happening. Over and over again. Like a vicious cycle, around and around, with no end in sight.

I am blessed. I found Mei. She will be there. No matter what. For once, I can be sure that someone will be there. Someone won't leave me. Somehow, she managed to stick all the pieces of my heart back together. She won't just suddenly decide that she doesn't like me anymore. It's a joke that we have,
"You will always be my best friend, because you know too much"
We are stuck like glue, whether we like it or not. Thankfully, we DO like it...
And so while everyone else can leave me, I know that she will stay. So now it doesn't even matter if I make the same mistake anymore, because whe will always be there for when the next person leaves me. Even then, it won't hurt as bad because she is my best friend, and I won't need anyone else but her.

Angry at the World

Tell me, who can't be angry at the world. You get so mad that you just want to sit on the floor and cry, but you know that you can't do that. You can't let people see you hurting. Even when your in the dark, people are watching you. When you think that you are alone, they are there, to see if you cry, to watch you hurt. We don't live in a perfect world, far from it. We live in a world were people will leave you without a second thought about it. But you can't do anything about it. No matter how angry or sad you get, nothing can change it. You can get so mad that you want to hit something, to break it, but you can't becasue then you'll start breaking things or hurting yourself. At times it can seem that the entire world is against you and no matter how hard you fight their hold on you, they just keep getting stronger and stronger. The darkness IS amazing. They can't see you, can't watch you while you suffer, all they hear is the slightest hint of a sniffle. That's when they pounce. They know that you can hurt, and they don't care why. All they care about is that you do hurt, that now they have something to make fun of you for. They don't bother to make you feel better, to pull you away from your depression.



So every day, you hide behind the same mask. The one that makes everyone think that you are always happy. That you hape no care in the world. It makes them all think that you are always happy, spazzy, and excited about something. That is all that you let them see. You don't let the hurt show, the sadness, the anger at the world. You bury it deep inside of you where no one will see it through the mask that you hide behind. That's the point. You can't let anyone see it. They can't know that you hurt, that you're not as strong as they think you are, that you hurt too. You sing sad songs, you sing to yourself, you tell no one of the impending doom you hurt, of the the walls caving in and the world coming down. You just want to take all the hurt away, but there is no way to do it. There is nothing that you can do that will take it all away. Nothing that you can do will make it all go away. So you continue. You continue letting people think that you're happy, that there is nothing wrong in your world.

I am lucky. I have a place where I can go. Where I can let go of everything, where I can break down. Where I can share my hurt. It's a place where you don't have to be afraid. You hurt to a point where you don't think that you can hurt anymore, then you leave, you leave for the weekend. Out into the middle of nowhere where you can hurt, and show it, you don't have to hide behind your mask. You can be free. Though some still refuse to let it go. To share, to feel, they make themselves numb to the world. It puts a lot of anger in them. To everything, though, that is hidden behind the mask too. I don't blame them, it happens to everyone, and no one can deny it.

It's hard not to be angry.
Angry at youre parents.
Angry at the school.
Angry at the government.
Angry at your life.
Angry at the world.

It's all inside and there is no way to get it out....
It has been inside for too long...

Angry At The World.

Stupid thing to be angry right?
I can't let my anger out. I don't know what I'm angry at.
My sister yelled at me, and I almost attacked her. Instead Ijust slammed the door on her face.
I can't let any of my anger out. I can't hit anything. I can't tell anyone. Who could understand if I don't even understand why?
All I can do is cry. And write. Then again writing doesn't help. If I hit anything right now it'll break, or I'll hurt someone or myself. What's the point anymore?
I already do so much to hurt myself mentally and emotionally, what more will physically do?
Then again I do abuse myself physically, just through other means.
I dont' have an outlet anymore. I don't have anywhere to go when I'm angry.
How can I go to my family when they're a factor in my anger?
My true friends can't be there when I cry alone in the dark.
When they are there they make me so happy, but they can never get rid of this hatred.
I hate myself. I hate my family. I hate the government. I hate my teachers.
I hate the world for being the way it is. I hate life for being the way it is.
And i'm not doing a thing to change it.
I'm just crying and forcing my thoughts out through my fingers.
That's why I love the dark.
It doesn't only hide me, it hides the rest of the world from me. In the light you're so exposed. You see everyone, everything, all of it is revealed to you.
Why can't I be ignorant?
Why can't I be normal?
Why do I have to smile so much?
Why do I have to lovce, to feel emotion?

My head is exploding. My spasms are acting out. The room is spinning. In seconds there will be darkness again.

Diagnosis?

So in English with Mr. Miller. We read The Diagnosis.
For some class credit he said we could write a response. I didn't want to just hand him the one I had previously written on here, just for some points. I actually have to write something for the intent and main purpose of getting a good grade in his class. Having something new to write on here is just a bonus. I pretend I write to an audience. Though I know that few read this blog at all. Maybe I hope that others will read this one day?
All of the relationships in The Diagnosis are so pointless. There's the facade of caring. There are a few points where you think that someone cares for another. Then next thing you know they're doing something so crazily idiotic. Take Melissa for example (so sorry for those who haven't read the book, maybe you should read yes?), she shows moments of caring about Bill, but continually she says, "Why are you doing this to me?" Bill can't control what's happening to him, and yet she blames him for their son's personality, for their sudden loss of income. Alex seems to care for his father, shown when Bill had finally returned home, and Alex lay across his father's chest as he slept. Alex though shuts himself off from his father, giving him opportunities to connect such as in the pizza parlor, but never really trying himself. All of the relationships seem to be failures. The married people around Bill argue so much, friends are people who distance themselves from you and only reminisce about when times are good, rather then living in the now, and helping you deal with your problems.
Then you look at relationships today. How hard it is to really connect with someone. If you find that person well you are one lucky son of a gun. I am one lucky son of a gun. I have Nikki.
I received and e-mail from a teacher. He showed concern about how I was doing in class.
I cried when I read that letter. He cared about what I was doing. About my grades and what would happen to me. Maybe I'm just being a teenager, but lately to me, it seems like no one cares. I feel like Bill. I feel like the people around me at work(school) only care for themselves and furthering themselves, rather then helping others. I feel like my family is so disconnected from me and they never reach out to me, but rather leave me to deal with my problems as well as their own. Sometimes I feel like the people I love the most are the ones who don't connect with me. Bill didn't have God though. Religion was never mentioned. What would have happened to Bill if he had God? Would he still be trying to hold on in life as I do now? Would he have fought harder? Would he have been able to see more clearly? That will be an interesting topic to think back on one day.

Mr. Miller. I don't know if this really can double for my response, but I think I write better when I write for me. When I write what's on my mind, rather then stick to one exact detailed topic, and write it for someone else, or for something else. I hope it works though.

Diagnosis

So in English with Mr. Miller. We're reading The Diagnosis, by Alan Lightman. I went to a Doctor on Friday to ask her to make her own diagnosis about me. Funny enough while waiting for her I was reading the diagnosis. I just finished the book this morning.
I think it was Friday, but one can never be quite sure, but I had started talking about something in English. It came out to be how we interpret it, but that had never been my immediate thought. My classmate had said something and it triggered something else in my brain. It was a marvelous thought, a wonderful thought, a point of enlightenment in my life, but as I began to talk, and notice that everyone who was listening wasn't really hearing me, then I began to lose track of the original thought. It brought me back to, "If a Poet Has No Words, Does He Leave His Poem Blank?" I can't even remember the title to something I myself wrote... But my thought was lost, that beautiful pearl in my mind. If only I could have held onto it, then let it slide from my mind and form on my tongue. If only I could have remembered it.
A major theme in The Diagnosis is sound. Even now, I'm drowning myself out in sound even though I know better. Listening to Michelle Branch, and some Filipino singers in the background. I can hear the keys clicking, the washing machine sounding. The more I listen I hear myself breathe, I can hear my heart beat. The sounds my body makes as I'm moving, hitting things. The world crashing in around me, assailing my senses. I see the colors in everything, how it moves. How my thoughts are appearing on the screen. I can smell the smells in a Filipino house. the mixed smells of food and plants. Of the lingering scent new furniture has as it wears away, still trying to hold onto itself. The smell that is. I can feel everything. The leather creating friction against the skin of my legs. The smoothness of the computer and the keys on my wrists and finger tips. How the earphones feel on my ears. The armrest feeling on my elbows. I can also feel my own hair creating curtains next to my eyes. These sudden fuzzy black lines in my vision, that I'm so used to because of my my hair used to feel. How the edges just touch the base of my neck my shoulders. The lacking of my hair at my waist now. I can taste the dryness in my mouth, the lingering of my fried rice breakfast. I lick my lips and can taste their dryness. I should probably get water, but now... I don't want to lose this pearl. The senses are so sensitive. They attack everything, but as life goes on do we ignore it? Do we ignore every little detail? I was walking yesterday to meet with someone at the park. I was wondering... What do people mean by you need to stop and smell the roses? Do they want us to take in every little detail? Every curve of the leaf just like Bill Chalmers did when his senses were fading? If we're going to pay attention at all, why not include all the small details? Then there's no use in stopping if you can't take every little bit in. Then your sense's become attacked though, every detail in a small thing is overwhelming. I could spend a lifetime staring at one thing. Watching how it changed. How the light dances on it, around it, changing it, contorting it. I could stare at one person's face for a lifetime, and not mind wasting away. As Narcissus did staring at his own.
Don't you just love how one thought can branch into so many different ones?
In my own opinion, Bill Chalmers, in The Diagnosis, has become sick because of everything going on in his life and the lack of human communication.
When I went to my doctor on Friday and talked to her about everything wrong with me. The heart pains, frequent muscle spasms, loss of control in my arms and legs for brief periods of time. The headaches, the emotions and the etc. She said that it was all due to my stress, and that I should try and relax more. The chest pains she took a couple of tests on my heart, I'm not exactly sure what it was, just to be sure. She just said to keep tabs on it and the whatnot, and just asked that I try and relax more. Something that my friends have been telling me for so long.
I couldn't help but see the parallel between Bill's problem and mine. Have I really lost all my human communication? True connection on the intimate level... Will I eventually waste away pushing those that I love far from me? My doctor was very vague with what was wrong with me, only that I should stay calm and relaxed... All of this just made me think how much it related to my Poet Piece. As it's become nick named among some of my friends. AKA Does A Poet Leave His Poem Blank? I really can't remember the name.. That's just terrible. Maybe I'll record the conversation we have in class and write about it one day?
I can get my words and thoughts out when I don't have to speak them. If I were to speak them... Well. I really do have to trust you for me to be totally unfiltered, don't I?

My Diagnosis : All the patient needs is Love, Trust, Understanding. Maybe a slight dosage of relaxation. Definitely to get out with Family, Friends. Connection.

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

Okay. So maybe she doesn't think my tractor is sexy. I don't have a tractor. I bet if I had one she'd think it was sexy though! Haha... On Tuesday I leave for the trip MUN is taking for our Duke University Model United Nations. Usually we don't go to DUMUNC, but the Director General there this year is a former Tustin High School Secretary General (which for you non-MUNers is kinda like the main person in charge, usually the best delegate at the school). So yay we go to North Carolina, and then to Washington D.C.

By car, Durham is 2,521.33 miles from Tustin. That's a 37 hour and 36 minute drive from here to there. We're taking a plane, but that's just to show you how far we'll be traveling.

By car, Washington D.C. is 2,670.35 miles from Tustin. That's a 39 hour and 54 minute drive from here to plane. Not including traffic inbetween.

In Durham, the day we get there (February 18) the high will be 53 degrees Farenheit. The low is 36 degrees Farenheit.

In Washington D.C., the day we get there (February 22) the high will be... I don't know. The seven day forecast doesn't go high ahead, but there's a chance of snow looking at the weather patterns. Then again I'm no meteorologist.

We'll be back on February 26 around 8:45 P.M.

That's a nine day trip.

Nikki and I have never been apart for more than six days before. Not since... Wow for a couple years now, and only now we've only begun to be so close. Odd how that works out right?

So on this trip there's a couple people going. All people I know and generally talk to, but no one that's really a good friend. Maybe Annie, but we don't talk too much. What about my boyfriend? Ryan Scott Wassenaar. My wonderful and amazing boyfriend? Well, I don't think he'll be much company. I know the title makes no sense right now, bare/bear with me.

You're going to need background story for why I'm not feeling all girlfriendy lately. Wanting to be all close to him and whatnot.

Last weekend I was a supervisor at the Laguna MUN conference. I was sitting in the advisor's lounge and they were talking and joking around. I was talking to Mr. Trev, and I was mid-sentence saying, "Mr. Trev! I'm not the usual stereotype-" Then Mrs. Levine wonderfully cuts in and starts talking about of course not! I'm so dominant, and basically I have "the boyfriend" on a leash. How once when he was in her room, then was supposed to go out and meet me, he was worried about how slow he was going and that I would be upset he was taking so long... I felt bad about this, because I believe in relationships men should be dominant, and I know I'm naturally dominant, so I don't want him to feel that bad! So I talked to some of the advisors, who happen to be great influences in my life right now, about the idea. So called him, and asked about it. I asked him If he felt bad that I was so dominant all the time. He said Yes. When I asked why he wouldn't give me an answer. He sounded so depressed from even the first hello, and I was in such a good mood from the day. I enjoyed myself at the conference... And he was just so sad... It made me sad. Then me being who I am, I got mad at myself for getting sad because of him. But I can't help it. As I've said before it pains me to hear him in pain. Then I get home, sad and mad all in one odd little package. Look at my email, I got his papers. I downloaded them. Read the first sentence then said they were good. I skimmed later on, then read in detail. they really are great papers.

The im-Perfect Partner

I was mentally insane enough to choose a partner who I knew would have problems with my craving for perfection. A partner who I knew would have trouble keeping up, and who if he reached the par of my preference would be a miracle. A partner who I've never seen "in action". A partner who I know I conflict with at times, and one who I would take the chance at being highly disappointed in.



I am mentally sane enough though to choose a partner who I know will accept my perfection hunger, and try to satiate me as much as possible. A partner who would run miles for me literally, as well as try and make miracles happen. A partner who will work hard and do the best he can. A partner who I know I can work problems out with, and one who I am very proud of.



Why didn't I choose someone more stable? Someone who I know I would be able to win with. Who would exceed my expectations, and someone where I would become the one with the need to sprint just to keep up? Why didn't I push myself?



I am pushing myself. I'm forcing myself to pull someone else up. Instead of hooking myself to someone moving faster than me, ignoring everyone else who I leave behind, I'm pulling someone up. I complain all the time, about how much I feel like I'm doing, and how little my partner is doing. But he is my partner, and I only ask for his best. My partner's best is all I ask for. I know that is what he will give me.

I admit that the entire situation frustrates me yes. This is a good experience for me though. I know that together we can win. Together we can do anything at all. We could touch the stars I know we can! Because together we can do anything... Together... It's magic.

How else do you explain it? How else do you explain the fact we're still on good terms despite it all? Not just good terms, amazing terms. Wonderful terms! We could never be closer. I've never been closer to any other partner. I've never felt so close. Despite allt he differences, the conflicts, the misunderstandings, and miscommunications. Look at where we we are now?

We didn't win. We didn't lose either. He is my partner. In more ways then one. He is one of the most amazing ones that I have ever had.

Why can't I ever tap into 'happy' ?

I like to look back at all my old blogs. Read them all, read through my words in the past and think of all those old emotions. I have a couple on myspace. I have a couple on here. I have old things I've written that are personal. Well. How come so many of them are so sad? Why do I always write about sad things? Pity, losing love, missing out on something. Pain and sorrow. Even what I'm writing now. It's frustration for not being to be able to write about being happy. Why can't I ever write about happy things? Why can't I ever think of something happy like my friends and keep it that way, and never think of losing them someday or living without them. Why can't I just think about the good things I have now? Why do I always have to be afraid. I keep looking at so many flaws. That is a flaw in itself. See what I'm doing to myself now?
Tell me I'm not alone. Tell me that I'm not the only one who just pretend to see sunshine and rainbows, when all I can see are the rainclouds. I can write so well about my pain. But I can't speak it. I can't vocalize it. I can easily vocalize when I'm happy, but I can never write about it. Maybe I'm meant to work on that. Work on vocalizing my sorrows, and writing and remembering my joys. Maybe that's why I'm made this way. Hey. What do you know. Happy Thoughts :]

When People Ask If I Love Him? Well . . . I lie.

This is my version of "I'd Lie" by Taylor Swift. I changed some of the lyrics to be more exact and more accurate. Added some punctuation here and there, Yay punctuation! haha...

Id Lie - Taylor Swift

I don’t ever think that walking home
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his life
And I listen hoping that no one cries
It's not time to fall in love he says
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I smile, even though I know he's right
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his different smiles And..

[chorus]
I could tell you his favorite colors green(and blue)
He's just so stubborn, born on the twentieth
His room's quite colorful, he has his mother’s eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I’d lie

He looks up at the sky
Trying to get past what's the truth
Doesn't he realize by now?
Doesn’t he know I’ve been waiting here for so long?
He only sees his world, it's his, "that's right,"
Doesn't let anybody know he cries
I try not to let nobody see me wishing he was mine

[chorus]
I could tell you his favorite colors green(and blue)
He's just so stubborn, born on the twentieth
His room's quite colorful, he has his mother’s eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I’d lie

He stops, then decides to walk away
My god if I could only say that he really didn't have to...
He’d never tell you but he's chasing dreams
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I see him is
How's he so wonderful?
So I take a breath
And i'll pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you his favorite books are fantasy
He's just so stubborn oh and I love it.
He always smells so wonderful, he has his father's smile
And if you asked me if I love him
If you ask me if I love him
I’d lie