This Blog

This blog feels like a fail blog right now. I feel like we need to actually do something with it, spice it up a little somehow. But of course, this is just me being me, I always want there to be something more than there is, but that’s alright. Eventually we are going to actually do something different to this blog.

There was something that I wanted to talk about, but I just can’t remember what.

Oh yes, you. You, who I will not name. You, who will probably never read this. You, who has confused me to no end for the last while. You, who said things to me and talked to me about certain things that just can’t happen. Yet, you talked about them anyway. You are going to come and visit me this summer, you have promised me that much. But of course, you have decided on the Navy. Why the Navy? I don’t think that you remember, but I do. I remember the day you told me that if I told you not to go to the Navy, you wouldn’t. I told you not to. You told me you wouldn’t. But I don’t think you remember, and I do not want to remind you, because I can’t pretend anymore. You have her and she has you, and I am going to be happy for you for it, because I know that it’s what you would do. And if anything, I should be able to know you as happy right? But still, you confuse me. You talk to me in a way that you always have. But in a way that shouldn’t be, because you have her. You shouldn’t be talking to me that way anymore. It just makes things that much more difficult on this end. And even though I am venting to you, I know that you won’t read this, because I don’t think you know of the existence of this blog. But if you did, then you would know. You shouldn’t be acting the same way.

However, who am I to say anything? Sure I say it, but do I really want it? Or do I want to pretend that it still is the way it was before, even though we both knew that we have our own lives to live? Either way, I do know something. I like the way you talk to me. Even though I shouldn’t. Even though none of this should have happened from the beginning. But I know, that I am still glad it happened. They say that you can never regret something that once made you smile. Well, this still makes me smile, so I guess that it qualifies for the same thing. I remember when I told you that even when I didn’t want to, you always made me smile, and you still do, and I don’t want to. I find that interesting.

I am probably in an unhealthy place, but that’s okay, because even though I say all of this, I know better. I know better than to think that anything we have said can become anything while you are there and I am here. And yet, I am still happy. :)

I am at a loss...

Well, at a loss for words. Life continues to move and move and just continue on moving. It's that train that doesn't wait for anyone so once you fall off it can be just so hard to be able to jump back on. It will continue to take you on your journey, whether you're ready or not. Today was registration. It hit me all of a sudden that my childhood years are nearly behind me. Another year and I will have to be an adult because I no longer have a choice. Life has continued to move onward, leaving me behind because I wasn't ready to continue onward. But of course, since when was life fair to us? Since when has this world cared about what we wished for? Since never. So this is where I have to realize that life is never going to slow down for me so that I can enjoy it. I am the one that is always just getting comfortable after the change only to have life change again. Only now am I beginning to seem more like a normal teenager as I am on the way out of high school into college life where no doubt I won't get into college life until it's almost time for me to leave it.

Who knows why this is? Well, other than God, no one has the capabilities to answer my questions. So of course, I am going to have to wait and continue waiting while I continue to fall behind that train that is disappearing into the distance. Well, maybe I will catch up someday, but I am not quite so sure about that day being anytime soon.

Either way. With school starting in just a week and what, two days? I have to be ready to fight through my last year of high school.

It Hurts To Say Goodbye When You Don't Need To

He doesn't understand. He doesn't know how much it hurts. To see him that way and to never know why. He never says anything and he never tells me. He doesn't know that I cry at night because I don't want him to feel pain. Maybe if I cry and feel pain for him it won't hurt as much. he never tells me why his eyes are dark and glazed over even as he's holding my hand. He doesn't even look at me when i try and bury my face into his chest. He just exists and stares into space, contemplating whatever problem, or situation, or whatever is his focus at the moment. It's not that I want to be the only thing he thinks about. I just wish that somehow I could help. I'll talk to him one moment and he sounds tired, weak, older then he really is, just so very much... not happy. The next moment I hear his voice happy and jovial, apologizes for his earlier mood then simply says goodbye to me. It hurts to hear goodbye because he doesn't realize that soon we really will have to say goodbye. He's become my other half and he doesn't even know how much it hurts, or how many tears I shed because I fear that change. I was so used to change, I used to embrace it. Change only erased all my past hurt, but now this change erases all of my past joy. Change, this new beginning, I have to accept it, but I could never accept not being a part of his life anymore. He says it's my choice, that only I can be strong. Ofcourse because those words make this choice so much easier... I thank God for everything that he's given me, but why is he taking it away from me? I can feel him slipping away through my fingers. Sometimes he holds me tight and I can smile. Sometimes he smiles at me with those bright ice blue eyes. Those beautiful happy eyes such a vibrant blue that's brighter then the sky, with that tiny inner ring of sea green, the barely hinting outer borderof only the lightest of brown, and those beautiful flecks of the brightest gold and the tiniest specks of brown. So beautiful that any painter, or a camera could ever capture them. I can smile when he's like that. I can be happy because he's happy. I can ignore the world and stop everything else. The only thing pulling me back to reality is another friends touch. Then there are the times when he doesn't smile, and if I call to him he looks at me as if I were some disturbance, something trivial that he wished were never there. I tell myself he doesn't realize that he looks at me that way, and that if he could control it he would never... He doesn't smile and his eyes darken. They dull. They're only a dull blue, the color of the sky when the sky is hinting at a possible rain in the future. Those beautiful gold flecks disappear, and the dark brown beomes more pronounced. When the rings bordering that dark blue darken even more. The dull colors become even more dull because he's not really with me. He's exploring somewhere else in his mind, and I try to call him back, but when I do I only get shoved off for him to return to where ever it was, or I am left with someone in a negative sort of mood. He says that it hurts him to see me turn away. He says it hurts that I have that power. Doesn't he realize that it hurts to see him walk away from me? That it's only if he says goodbye to me and smiles, kisses me gently on the head or on my lips, only then I can smile while he leaves despite my sadness at his departure? Doesn't he realize that despite the hurt of him walking away it hurts even more when I have to walk away? Doesn't he realize that I just want to be with him forever, and walking away from that hurts with ever step? Every step farther from him breaks my heart, and when I'm far from him my heart beats only lightly and slowly? Does he know that when I'm with him my heart begins to pound, and it races? I only wish to understand him more, and I can't ask for full understanding in a single moment, but only over time. I wish he would tell me though. We love each other equally, but he has loved me longer, I admit to that. Couldn't he try and open to me though? I try and open to him. It's hard enough for me to open to anyone but the one that is part of me. But I try because he's my other half. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. Maybe to you I sound like a silly puppy-love teenager. Maybe to you what I'm saying now is so idiotic, that you can't bear to think of this stupid little girl and her "love". He is my darling. My love. My dearest. My everything. My world. But I'm not stupid. I have to say goodbye to him soon. When that time comes I will accept it, especially since it seems to be racing towards me even if I refuse to move my feet. I only wish that in the little time we have left that I could try and understand him as much as I could. That we were as close as could possibly be. I wish that in the least... he would tell me what pains him. That maybe I could help. That's all I want. For him to be happy. I would sacrifice everything I had for his joy. I've already sacrificed so much for him... Doesn't he see that I could sacrifice even more?