A Healthy Body

Okay so obviously it’s easily noted that I missed a couple days and I am making up for them here and unfortunately I already fail at doing this daily thing. I am doing my best but I have so many things to do since I came back that I just fall asleep in the middle of my work without actually writing anything, but I will get better!

Day #3

Anyway, yesterday, I was thankful for the fact that I have a healthy body. Yes, I do have my own array of health problems, but they are all relatively minor and I can still run, I can still be active, and I can still live the type of life I’d want to live. There are so many people who have health problems and have to worry about dying so young and about what they do with their life because they have to be careful with everything that they do. And yet, I still have a healthy body and that is something that many people take for granted. They don’t realize how lucky they are to even be healthy enough to move around let alone go to school and play sports. And that means a lot.

A Loving Family

Day #2

I have reason to be thankful. I have a loving family and even though they just make me so mad sometimes, I love them all and I know that they still love me. Today I just got so frustrated with them, as all teenagers and everyone else for that matter does.  It just happens, it’s a part of life and it’s going to happen to everyone no matter who you are. I am so thankful to have my family; there are so  many out there not nearly as fortunate as I. Not only do I actually have a family, as opposed to the many out there that don’t, but I get to see them and I talk to them and they’re people that I can actually be in a room with for more than five minutes without wanting to shoot someone or even myself. They’re people that I love and people I get along with. I hear so many stories from my friends of their families that just don’t connect at all and don’t talk and don’t even interact with one another and I am just so thankful that my family isn’t like that. They’re people who want to be around me and actually care enough to want to spend time with me, and that is something to be thankful for.

Sunshine

Happy New Year to all of you who bother to read this!
May God bless and keep you and all of your loved ones!
Notice, I did not say family. For some family is your blood relatives, for others family is so much more than that... So to be sure that my meaning is clear, I truly do mean all of those who you love and keep dear to you. The end of my year suddenly hit me with a pang of hurt and sorrow, but who's to say that it won't make me stronger? This time I know my faults, and I will not take more blame than is my worth. I have cried, but I will not steep in my own sorrow. It is a new year, and the sun is shining.
I refuse to let that part of me that sees only the bad thrive. I have my hope, and that's all that is really needed. I look far too much to the negative, and now life is showing me that the negative is not who I was meant to be. I am loud and happy. That is who I choose to be.
The new year though does bring it's own challenge for me. My new years resolution, a challenge... If you know me at all it's quite obvious I would have picked something challenging for myself. If you truly know me you will also expect me to fail. This year though I feel something different. A strange determination fills my heart that I have not felt before. So now I will choose to be wiser, and think before I speak.
Yes, that is my new years resolution. I hope you do not think I will beging to censor my thoughts and words. Au contraire messiuer-dames! I will still voice out my thoughts and opinions when I deem it appropriate to. I believe that it is rather I will choose my words more carefully. The english language has words that have such careful connotations, and more often than not I ignore those connotations in my speech. So now I think before I speak in the hopes of improving who I am.
A new me, and a new year. How cliche. Well I suppose it's not to be helped, I'm quite the cliche person.

Something Different

This is different for me. I have never been in a position in my life where I have even had to think about relationships. Yet, here I am having to actually consider the fact that I may end up in a relationship. Of course, there is a chance that I will, but there is also the chance that I won’t. Either way, I have never considered it before. Sure, I have thought about it, but it’s not the same to think about it as to realize that you actually have a true chance for something. This is something different. This is something that I haven’t experienced before. It is new to my 17 year old life. Things are changing at an incredible rate and for once, I am not finding myself freaking out.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about with this right now. I just started, but now I think that I am done already because there isn’t exactly a whole lot that I can say at this current point in time. There isn’t much that I know for sure, but there are things, and information that is out there that seems to be something worth knowing and hearing. I am not exactly sure how to take it, or what to think about it, but for now, I am just going to let myself be happy. It’s not like I could fight it right now even if I wanted to. :)

My life right now

Social time is fun.

School is easy to live through.

Food is good.

Music is the best.

My friends are amazing.

And guys suck.

That is all I have to say.

Guys just freaking suck.

(not all of them, I mean no offense to any good guys out there.)

Happiness

What defines happiness? That is a question that i have struggled to figure out for a long time. How are you supposed to define a happy person. It cannot merely be acting happy. Anyone can act happy at any time, even if they are going through the deepest agony that they felt they could ever go through. How are you supposed to know if you are sincerely and truly happy at a certain point in time? How do you know that this "happiness" isn't just the result of practicing being happy for so long that now you seem a happy person? Life is too short to spend time being sad, angry, and hurt. While, as humans, these emotions seem so difficult to ignore or break away from, these things must happen for a person to live a good life. People have every right to feel hurt. But in this hurt, they can feel happiness coming from within. I know it sounds crazy, but it can happen. I've seen it, I understand it.

And on the topic of a human's short life, is it really so short? Or is it that life seems so short because of the wasted time doing things that don't matter at all? People waste their time with allowing themselves to stay angry, and by doing things that in reality shouldn't matter to them at all because it holds no benefit to their life in the end. In the end, it will just be wasted time. And maybe this is what makes life feel so short, as if we needed to find some way to give ourselves an excuse for the things that we may do. Life is too short, we say, to not enjoy it in the way we want to. But is this really true? Or are we just lying to ourselves to we don't feel guilt for the things we as humans have done?

Suffering is Joy?

As I was going through all of the posts on this blog, and trying to label each blog entry concerning it's topic, something came across my mind. Why is it that so many of my entries are so unhappy? Is it that I am an unhappy person at heart, despite my "bubblyness"? Is it possibly that I truly can't tap into the happy state of mind that I at least seem to put myself out as? I cannot even begin to enter the realm of being able to say "I am truly happy". Or can I? I suppose it would depend on your definition of happiness at first.
A friend of mine used to say that true happiness cannot exist, because when one is happy all the time, they forget sadness and it becomes non-existent for them. And with the philosophy that cold is only the absence of heat, one could state that happiness is only the absence of sadness. What if it was the other way around though? What if sadness is the absence of happiness?
Then this thought crossed my mind: "Why isn't the great question of happiness wildly discussed?"
The greatest philosophers in the history of all mankind have questioned happiness, why doesn't the common man? Great philosophers accepted sadness, and the common man questions it?
Perhaps those great philosophers have accepted the fact that sadness exists in our lives. If one is to dwell in their sadness they can never receive the joy from the things in life that give it out. The common man though searches to escape suffering... What if the key to our suffering is our suffering itself?
I don't write about my happy thoughts or feelings as often, because I am contented to stew in my joy and hold onto it for as long as I can. When I am sad... I write to try and push all that sadness out of me, and to get past that sadness to reach my joy. To try and turn fortune's wheel a little bit faster. I, like the rest of society, don't want to suffer. Yet these great thinkers among men have accepted their suffering and lived perfectly wonderful lives. In a sense, because they were doing what they wanted to do, they were happy.
When we suffer, we appreciate those happy moments more. When we are happy those suffering moments are all the more distant. Most definitely not similar to a state of balanced equilibrium, chemically speaking. So maybe those philosophers do have it right. Maybe we were made to suffer, so that happy moments are all the better for us. Like yin and yang, you can't have one without the other. You cannot be happy if you have never been sad. You cannot feel joy if you have never suffered.
So perhaps it is this, for you my readers. It is not that I am not a happy person. It is not that I can't tap into the happy parts of myself when I write. It is not that I am a young girl obsessed with the drama of life. It is that when I am happy, I am at peace.

Nightly Rambles

I told him in a few minutes I would follow him to dreamland. For the first time in a long time i've lied to him. I'm not following him. I... my mind had been at a time of happiness in my life. When I tried to share it with him... he was crying. Again he wasn't talking to me or with me, but rather at me. I could neither hear him, or understand him. He dragged me back into the present. He was the one who felt like, crying, now it's me. I'm not though thankfully. what would Mr. Richardson have said? Now he was a teacher who truly cared about all aspects of his students' lives. I feel torn. I am in two dimensions of time. The happy parts of my past, and the present. That amazing fourth grade class, and the person who I have loved so much, who minutes ago was crying at me. Perhaps time apart will be good for us. I'll answer when he needs me, but this weekend I need to disconnect.
Right now I love him, but there is a negative feeling there and I have no name for it.

I also doubt I will actually disconnect

The Littlest Things

A friend asking me how I'm doing.
An ounce of vanilla ice cream. My favorite.
These little things make me smile

Still not totally and absolutely fabulous in mood, but still. It's amazing how just the smallest things can make one person feel so much better.
Thirty six minutes into it, and now I'm dying to be there.

Not literally.

So It's Just Right

So today again I had another fantasy. Riding away and perhaps he'd follow. No of course not, now why would that happen? So no fairy tale story for me. I think that I am totally okay with that. No, rather I know that I am absolutely totally okay with that.
Today I ditched school. Nothing too treacherous, especially since honestly nothing really happened in my classes.
I spent the day with Ryan. The day before his graduation. Yay. Graduation. My man is becoming an adult. I'm getting ready for my courses at IVC. Somehow, for some reason, today was so right. I left Ryan's place early, his mom was coming home, and then I went to Maki Yaki. I had one serving of California rolls, with my side of sumi salad. Water was good. It was all good and delicious. Now I'm watching Hoodwinked, which is just an awesome movie. It brings so much reality into a fairy tale, and it's STILL a fairy tale. I adore it.
I spent a lot of time with him today. I can smell him on my skin.
Tomorrow they all graduate. Tomorrow he leaves for a couple weeks. Today he packs. Today he and I were together one more time. One last time for a long time. Last night we talked on the phone. Last night I cried and he was cold. Last night for once we worked a problem out together.
Right now I'm thinking of the things I have left to do, and I'm looking at all the things around me. No matter how odd today may have been, it was so right.
On top of all that I played Tomorrow from Annie on the piano as well as the one song that's all, "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." Oh yeah. Somewhere Over The Rainbow...
I took that video there just last week. Look at how blissfully happy we are. Were. I'm sure we'll still be wonderfully happy. I took that video to preserve a memory, when I started taking it I had initially just wanted a recording of his smile, and that's just what I got. Isn't he just the best?
I think he is so THERE.

Why can't I ever tap into 'happy' ?

I like to look back at all my old blogs. Read them all, read through my words in the past and think of all those old emotions. I have a couple on myspace. I have a couple on here. I have old things I've written that are personal. Well. How come so many of them are so sad? Why do I always write about sad things? Pity, losing love, missing out on something. Pain and sorrow. Even what I'm writing now. It's frustration for not being to be able to write about being happy. Why can't I ever write about happy things? Why can't I ever think of something happy like my friends and keep it that way, and never think of losing them someday or living without them. Why can't I just think about the good things I have now? Why do I always have to be afraid. I keep looking at so many flaws. That is a flaw in itself. See what I'm doing to myself now?
Tell me I'm not alone. Tell me that I'm not the only one who just pretend to see sunshine and rainbows, when all I can see are the rainclouds. I can write so well about my pain. But I can't speak it. I can't vocalize it. I can easily vocalize when I'm happy, but I can never write about it. Maybe I'm meant to work on that. Work on vocalizing my sorrows, and writing and remembering my joys. Maybe that's why I'm made this way. Hey. What do you know. Happy Thoughts :]