A Year of Thankfulness

I never had a new years resolution. So now, two months and eight days late, I have created a new  years resolution for myself. I have decided that in order to create a happier and healthier life for myself I want to find something every singe day to be thankful for. Maybe it won’t always be something different, but just to find something to always be thankful for no matter how dismal and depressing the day.  It is my goal to every day write something here, even just a little something to help myself see that there is always something to be thankful for in this world. And since I am starting after the year already did, I am planning on 365 days of Thankfulness; a Year of Thankfulness… my year of thankfulness.

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Day #1

Today wasn’t a particularly difficult day, but already I am thinking that I don’t know what to be thankful for today. But thinking about it, I want to dedicate the day to being thankful just that I am alive.  I spent two weeks in another country and have spent over 25 hours in one plane or another in the past two weeks.  And I have come home without a scratch (well, I guess I can’t say that, I have a couple scrapes and bruises, but nothing more than what I would have gotten just being at home).  After all the things that you hear happening to travelling people (and of course, mostly teenage girls traveling with school or friends), nothing terrible has happened and despite some particularly creepy people we have seen while over there, I have come home to my family and friends.

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I must say, that was not particularly, hard, but now the real challenge is to be able to take the time to do this every day. I just hope that I will be able to live up to my own challenge.  This is something that I know will help me :D so BRING IT ON! (weird how I’m kind of talking to myself…)

Twisted Fate

All of the "should have"s, "would have been"s, and "could possibly still be"s buzz in my head from time to time. I can't help but wonder and think and dream...

It's strange to think that you are over a break up, but still feel affection for the person. I am not one who hates and is spiteful, and pushes away all the bad memories. I will look on those memories and smile. I  have lost too many good friends, and too much precious time, in hate, and trying to use anger to forget love. Why would anyone wish to forget love? That is a better question.

It is strange to see that a relationship, not even nescessarily romantic, that has lasted years to dissipate in a matter of seconds, and soon that person is just another face in the crowd. Perhaps it is a face who's person's intimate details you are aware of, but that fact is pushed into the dark recesses of the mind so that we might not feel pain at the loss. We as human beings, creatures of a loving nature, could we not still remember the pleasant memories and not feel pain? Why is it so strange for me to smile at the memories? Why do others think I must stop reminiscing? I remember all of those memories and I can smile.

Love. Faith. Hope. I live my life by these things.
Faith in God, and in others as well as an innate good. Hope that all of the things I believe in are truly good. Love, because without it the other two might as well be dust in the wind.

At one point in time you and I were inseperable. People argue, but if they were able to be friends before, why can't we be that again?

Will We Always Be This Broken?

I shouldn't have to censor my thoughts or words around my best friend. Because he is my boyfriend does that change things? Which (for lack of better diction) title takes precedence? Is he my best friend first and foremost? Or do I treat him as my boyfriend, watching what I do and say? If a combination of both what parts do I take from each?
Our first big fight and I've come to terms with it. I've forgiven him, but still I feel hurt and pain. Will I always feel this hurt? Will I remember this first fight for the rest of my life and feel the sting of past hurt? I'm afraid that he and I are too broken now. We are on the rocks, we're talking, saying our "I love you"s and exchanging kisses and holding hands and smiling as the world looks on us, but I feel the hurt still. I see it in his eyes and can feel it in how careful I am about what I say now. I don't want to be careful about what I say around him. He was supposed to be that person I could say everything to. Now I must be cautious? Now I must censor myself? Can I do that? Am I supposed to?

Will you and I get back to that pure sweet and untainted love that I knew for almost four years? Is that all lost now?

To Stay Away

To be asked to stay away from you? To pull away and ignore you? I don't know if I can do that. The forced proximity we will have that used to be desired will most definitely be a factor. That and perhaps I don't want to pull away. Such is life I suppose. I feel sick and twisted and confused, but then again I'm a teenage girl. What else is to be expected of me?
Still though I am determined. I have to have hope. Without it I'll be lost. I pull this hope from inside of myself now, instead of from you. My source of light and joy in my life. I have to find another place, and now I look in the place that I have been so afraid to look in for so long- inside of myself.
It's a dark and scary place, adn yet, I have to search here. Elsewhere I feel only desolation, so now where else is there to look? And now I know I'm stronger than I was before. I am challenged to look inside of myself and I realize just how amazing it is. I look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl growing into a beautiful young lady. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am beautfiul.

I never would have seen it if it weren't for you. Thank you.

My life right now

Social time is fun.

School is easy to live through.

Food is good.

Music is the best.

My friends are amazing.

And guys suck.

That is all I have to say.

Guys just freaking suck.

(not all of them, I mean no offense to any good guys out there.)

Fairytales...

are lies. They lead children to believe that things that will never happen will. Sure, all these Disney movies are cute, and fun to watch, but they LIE. From the time that all the young are born, they learn and watch fairytale movies and hear fairytale stories. I may have to go out on a limb and say that it can be worse for girls than it is for boys. They show these little girls that 15 and 16 year olds can see a guy and they will fall in love and get married and they don't even have to say a paragraph's worth of dialogue to one another. (I say 15 and 16 because that's actually how old alot of them are.) It's not right. I see my little girl cousins talking about their "Prince Charming" that is waiting for them to grow up some and know that there is no such thing.

I see them believing these lies and even though I know that this won't happen, I have to play along because "it's nice to llet them have something to believe in" (or so the other females in my family say). Well, in my opinion, the only thing that's going to happen is that one day, they are going to wake up and realize that life just doesn't work that way, and they will be heart broken. They are going to realize that in real life, things don't just work out for you.

What are we teaching our children? Of course, all of these movies are adorable and must-sees, if you know better than to believe them, but how do you avoid children believing in things that just don't happen? It's not easy, but I guess I will have to wait and see...

If a poet had no words, would he leave his poem blank?

I'm not sure about what, but I feel like writing. The emptiness of my thoughts and emotions of the current moment pouring out onto a page. How would that appear? Would a poet, with nothing to write, leave a poem blank?Would a person, with no thoughts on the day, leave a blank page in their journal?If one has no words, one should not speak, yet they do.We carry on conversations without thought sometimes, why do we find words when we have others around.How come sometimes we have no words if there's one certain person in our midst?Maybe it's not that we are at a loss of words, or thought, but that somehow in the translation from thought to sound, it's lost. Perhaps we're not sure how to express ourselves, or how to...well yes express ourselves. Perhaps part of the thought is lost in the thought process, then more is lost in the translation to speech or written hand.Young children speak their minds though, and they know exactly what they mean and what they think. What has happened as we age?Is it that their thoughts are so simplistic that they pass through the channels running from thought to speech so easily without obstruction?Perhaps it is the mere fact that we are hiding ourselves from the world. That we continue to mask who we really are, that we begin to subconsciously filter our thoughts before they are exposed. Then they are not our thoughts at all. They are simply what we wish society to see. Look around you one day and notice, everyone looks "normal". If you were to see someone off beat, wouldn't you think a bit negatively of them?It's this reaction that we fear. As human beings we crave to be loved. Even by complete strangers to some form or level. There are times when we can truly be ourselves. Around other people, or when we are by ourselves. When we put time aside to be with God.Some of us have learned to be ourselves no matter what. Maybe that is why so many people are captivated by poetry.The poets have learned to reveal the nakedness of their thoughts, hearts, souls.
A poet would never leave his poem blank. He would fill his poem with the emptiness of his thoughts. Which in turn, would no longer be emptiness