So here I am

Writing. Not that I know what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. There is so much going on all the time and I just can’t keep up with life. It’s always ‘this person against that person’ and ‘this person did this’ but ‘that person did that’ and things just get so confusing that it’s hard to know which way is up. And most of the time it’s nearly impossible to tell if the information you’re given is the whole truth or just something that has been passed along through the eyes of too many diluting it to something that is sort of, kind of, the truth but not really.

Then you get when things become so convoluted and somehow the different drama stories that you’ve been keeping up with this whole time start to become intertwined with one another. For example, I have two different friends, who like two different guys. Yet, these two different guys, both like the same girl. And she is one of those girls who goes on flirting with every guy she lays eyes on and leads them all on to think that they have a chance with her when really, she doesn’t want them. And in the process she’s hurting people and even though she KNOWS she’s hurting people she continues to do it anyway.

People come to me. All the time. And I listen. That’s easy enough. They start to ask me for advice and I must say, that’s a tad harder. I do my best, but I don’t know the secrets of the world, and I know nothing about guys. That’s what all these girls come to me about. Yet, I know nothing about this. I have no experience whatsoever. And while they all know this, they all seem to think that I know something that they don’t. As one girl so kindly pointed out when I tried to help her: I have no experience with anything like this anyway.

I do my best just trying to look at things from an objective point of view. So here I am, sitting, and hoping that the advice I am giving these girls is the right advice to give.

What’s the best choice?

That, is the question that everyone answers at every point in time. Some choices are no-brainers and you don’t even realize that you’re making them. Others, take much more thought. I made a choice to start writing right now instead of continuing to study for my Government test (and quiz) on Wednesday. I ended up choosing a topic to start writing about. I am still trying to choose whether or not i am going to eat ice cream before I go to bed and whether or not I am going to do the math homework I was assigned today. I am thinking yes on ice cream and no on homework, but that’s just me. The homework probably won’t even be collected tomorrow, so I am not going to stress about it, I am tired. So tired. I have gotten to that point where I am just typing and I am no longer actually thinking about what I am putting down on this paper. If it can be called paper…

There are some choices that are much harder than others. The choice of whether or not to tell someone what you think about them is an incredibly tough choice. Is it worth it? What if the other person does not reciprocate? Then what? Did you just make a good friendship awkward for nothing? In Economics, a decision is made by weighing the costs and the benefits. What if you don’t know the costs, and you don’t know the benefits? So many things can happen by just that one statement that there is absolutely no way that you can know what is going to happen if you just utter those words. If the feelings are mutual, sure it was worth it, but if they aren’t, then, in turn, it’s not worth it. So, at what point can you decide whether or not the benefit is worth the cost.

Well, these are the options for most people. For me, I have only one option. I won’t say anything. I don’t believe that it’s worth it. And, not being worth it, there is no point in me even going through this whole though process, yet, I do it anyway. That’s alright, at least I can say I thought about the option, I just don’t see it as an actual option for me. But, oh well. What can I do about that?

She tells me I am holding myself back…

… and she is probably right. When it comes to these things she usually is. But she also tells me that she thinks you like me, and I can’t be sure about that. Not yet anyway. Yes, she knows me very well, and she tells me that I should have told you. That I should have just told you that night; I should have told you that I like you. I don’t think I can even do something like that. I am not sure that I want to know what you think of that idea. It’s a scary thought. I think about you a lot, about everything that’s happened, and I want to agree with her, but I don’t want to think things that may not be true. The only thing I can say is what if it isn’t true? When I tell her this, I know that she is thinking that it’s things like this where I get in my own way of something happening. But why should I have to take the first step? If you actually like me, why can’t you do it? In reality, I almost just want to stop thinking about you. I don’t know why I get so scared when I am thinking about things like this, but it does scare me. This is a step in my life that I haven’t had to consider yet, but she makes me think about it, and consider it, and even though I want it, I think I am scared. Well, I guess she is probably right and it’s more nerves than anything, I am not sure it makes it any better. So yes, it’s better to just stop thinking because there is no point in just hoping for things that probably won’t happen.

You told me to just hope for the best, but you don’t know that it’s you. If you knew, then you probably wouldn’t be saying that. You would tell me that I should get over it, and that’s okay because that’s what I need to do. I want to think all sorts of things, but I do my best to stop myself because things just don’t happen for me. I think it may be too soon anyway for me to know if I actually really like you, so in my opinion, it’s just better for me to give it time. She tells me that if I were just able to do what I needed to do, something could have happened already and I wouldn’t still be thinking these things. But I doubt myself too much. What makes me think that I will find someone that I like that likes me too? Sure I am young, but why should I think that this prospect of my life is going to go anywhere? Why should I be able to find that somebody that everyone always wants to find? And it’s thoughts like this that make her say things like this to me…

(Oh wow they never play this song on the radio, but of course they are playing it now: Somebody by Reba McEntire – and I can’t help singing along)

When People Ask If I Love Him? Well . . . I lie.

This is my version of "I'd Lie" by Taylor Swift. I changed some of the lyrics to be more exact and more accurate. Added some punctuation here and there, Yay punctuation! haha...

Id Lie - Taylor Swift

I don’t ever think that walking home
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his life
And I listen hoping that no one cries
It's not time to fall in love he says
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I smile, even though I know he's right
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his different smiles And..

[chorus]
I could tell you his favorite colors green(and blue)
He's just so stubborn, born on the twentieth
His room's quite colorful, he has his mother’s eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I’d lie

He looks up at the sky
Trying to get past what's the truth
Doesn't he realize by now?
Doesn’t he know I’ve been waiting here for so long?
He only sees his world, it's his, "that's right,"
Doesn't let anybody know he cries
I try not to let nobody see me wishing he was mine

[chorus]
I could tell you his favorite colors green(and blue)
He's just so stubborn, born on the twentieth
His room's quite colorful, he has his mother’s eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I’d lie

He stops, then decides to walk away
My god if I could only say that he really didn't have to...
He’d never tell you but he's chasing dreams
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I see him is
How's he so wonderful?
So I take a breath
And i'll pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you his favorite books are fantasy
He's just so stubborn oh and I love it.
He always smells so wonderful, he has his father's smile
And if you asked me if I love him
If you ask me if I love him
I’d lie

The Words I Never Heard

I always knew he was my closest friend,
but I liked him more than that.
I knew he liked me more than that
One day while i was walking.We were laughing joking talking
We stopped under a maple tree
We sat on a branch, that was high in the clouds.
I asked him a simple question.
How much did he really like me?
He answered with a hug, a grinlike smile
You're my closest friend and that's the truth.
I smiled at him, and his jetblack eyes
Nothing more? Just a friend?
No nothing more. Yes just a friend
What I thought I knew was a lie.
Ever since thn, i have refused.
to smile, to laugh, to sing, to joke.
to say the words I LOVE YOU