04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

My Darling Valentine

Do you remember that conversation we had that night? The one that made you cry...?
When I told you that I didn't trust you with how I felt because you had never hurt me before... and it was such a shock to me. I love you, but I didn't trust you. You cried that night, and pushed me away from you because you felt that you didn't deserve me. You cried, and we spent that night together, just the two of us, so that I could show you that I love you. That same night I realized that it would be okay to trust you again. Your remorse seemed so sincere... and I knew I could never be upset with you for long. I love you too much.
Do you remember our first valentine's day? We were hanging out by the pool after school, just relaxing and talking, lingering rather than walking home. Neither of us had valentines, and we were talking about it. You mentioned that you had never had a valentine before. I offered to be your Valentine. Your face lit up and you had me in a hug that was insanely long, tight, and uncomfortable.... I always laugh remembering that day. Every year after that we always had something special to say to each other on Valentine's day. This year? I sang you a song.
I'm sorry for daring to try to love another. I'm sorry for not simply sitting back and enjoying you. I dwelled in the past, and took that into the present thus making it dark and cold with the ghosts, rather than bright and happy like the love in our hearts. The love in my heart.
I gave you that bracelet, that wasn't finished, and you told me it was just like our story, unfinished. Our unfinished story.

I dedicated my song tonight to three types of people.

People who had never been sung a lullaby.
So that you would know that someone loves you. You are not alone. You don't have to build up walls and keep people out. I love you, will always love you, and I will always be here to comfort you when you need it.

People who like to believe that you can love someone forever in just one moment of time.
So that you would remember that moment in the movie theatre, that moment in the car, that moment in the park, that moment by the science building... all of our little moments and infinite amount of forevers.

and lastly...

People who know that even though you've finished a chapter, you still have the rest of the book to read.
So that I could have hope in the words that you yourself said: Our unfinished story. So many times I lose hope, than God reminds me about love and all of our happy times together, and I can smile again because he gives me back that hope. The you of the past gives me back the hope. Love. Your love gives me hope. It has for the past almost-four years, and it will continue to give me hope even when you're not around.

You said you've loved me for all of these years... I said I loved you too.
You said that you loved me even beyond the love of intimate friendship that I had for you and I brushed it off.
I don't believe that you've stopped loving me... I just believe you're hurt. We both are. I still love you though. I'm sorry that you have to feel pain. I would take it all away and carry it all myself if I could.

For you my darling valentine... You may not think you have one, or consider yourself mine, but you are my valentine. The person that I love despite all opposition... the person I love and cherish above all the rest. Happy Valentine's day. I love you, and I promised you I would always love you. You promised you would never forget.

I'll never forget you my valentine.
The one from freshman year, who was so excited and happy to have his first valentine.
The one from sophomore year, who was torn and confused but still willing to love me and let me love him.
The one from Junior year who listened to my stories of travel.
and most importantly the one from Senior year, who looked me in the eyes as we lay under the moon and stars in the dark of night and said, that he would always love me too.

Hear My Cry

I'm trying to reach out to you. To call out to you. You who once knew my heart mind and soul so well. Can you hear me crying out?
You have every right to ignore my call. After what I've done I don't blame you. I promise you I have changed though. I am no longer that confused little girl. I am still maturing, still changing, I still have childish tendencies, but I am now becoming a young woman. We have both changed, I should hope for the better. I'd like to believe that I have become a better person over the years. Remember when we talked about people changing? About how people have to change together?
In that I have changed too. For people to have a relationship they don't have to change together. They can change seperately. Everyone has good and bad in them. That saying that says people just can't get along because they "clash"? I believe it's all boulderdash. People can still be friends, if you try hard enough. We're all just a little too stubborn.

So here I am hoping to appeal to your better nature. I know it's been ages, but hear me? Talk to me? Let's be friends again because I miss our late night conversations that moved me to tears and our revelry in the day that taught me to fall in love with life.

Faith

We will never get back to the "pure and untainted love" that I've last written about. That will never be possible, the only place that love that I spoke of can exist is with God himself. We can still have a pure love though, a love that can fight everything from stupid teenagers that make me cry to the senility of old age.
To be avoided, to be happy and ignore the wall between us. I still miss his company, his laugh, the days when his eyes were the brightest blue. Now whenever I see them they are the steely blue that make me feel so cold. There are moments when they are bright again, and I can smile, and laugh. To see his eyes at all and I am happy.
I am constantly in prayer for what to do, for guidance and strength, and I am constantly reminded that "Love is patient". I am not a patient girl, but I am learning to have faith in what God tells me, what my heart tells me, and what you, my love, what you tell me. I must wait for you to be ready to talk to me, but my head is filled with doubts that you will never be ready. You do not lie though, so I must trust you that you will talk to me when you are good and ready, but for now I wait.
This is a cut, and we can either choose to let it heal raggedly untended and the scar rise above the skin or we can choose to heal it cleanly and the scar will fade away over time just like the scar on my arm.
You are my best friend, and I want to do everything in my power to never lose you, but God is telling me I must sit back and allow him to do his work.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have hope, and faith in you and your love for me, the love you said you had for me. Do you have faith in me too?

Nothing is Immutable

Nothing truly is immutable. One cannot change nothing, for once nothing is changed, it becomes something.

Now that that's over! Nothing is really unchangeable. Nothing on this earth at least. Things eventually change and develop. The prideful must stoop low and admit to wrongs they have done, and the humble must learn to accept a compliment graciously. In the past week I was torn, and broken. Towards the end as I began to pick myself back up, the problem slowly began to disappear. Breaking down, was not the healthiest thing to do. I am okay with that though. I needed to break down, to see where I was falling, and catch myself so that I could pull myself back up. Now I am stronger, happier, and more accepting. Perhaps this new year will bring a more constant flow of writing, and more positive writing as well?

I hope every day is bright and shiny for you! Every day is holds the opportunity to be different than the last, so make each and every day better than the last!

I Want You Back

I realized I never said those words to you in my letter; the only form of communication you and I have had since the us became the you and the I. I wondered why, it was the truth and now still is. I love you, and I want you back in my life. I have to have you back in my life. I need you in my life, because without you I'm lost. Then why didn't I tell you?
I was afraid that you wouldn't want me back too. I didn't want to hear the truth, and now here I am doing what I can to get what I want, when I should be happy if you're happy. In a way I am, but I also want us to be happy together. Now after typing that I only feel so selfish, but it's true that I want you back. I'm being honest here. I was happy to hear that you actually took the time to read my letter at new years. Thank you for that. Thank you for not shutting me out then.
Today I couldn't help but smile and be happy. I remembered all of our happy times together, and I would laugh. You made comments in english that made me laugh and smile, and roll my eyes. In a good way mind you. I didn't roll my eyes because I thought you said something stupid... I rolled my eyes because it was just very you to make that comment.
Today I thought about Russia. The messages you sent me on facebook, and their ridiculousness. How hard that trip was for me. How just as if I had never been gone, I left Mr. Morgan's classroom after zero period, turned left, went around the building, and saw you. How I smiled, and ran to hug you. How you caught me. How I cried because I missed you. When I told you how ridiculous I felt for crying. I hadn't realized how much I missed you until I finally saw you. I remember how you told me how lost you felt without me around. Today I experienced that. You have always been my constant companion, and I never really noticed it until you were gone.  I miss my best friend.

I am afraid about being pushed away from you, but at the same time I know I will have to be honest with you if I am to have hope.