Twisted Fate

All of the "should have"s, "would have been"s, and "could possibly still be"s buzz in my head from time to time. I can't help but wonder and think and dream...

It's strange to think that you are over a break up, but still feel affection for the person. I am not one who hates and is spiteful, and pushes away all the bad memories. I will look on those memories and smile. I  have lost too many good friends, and too much precious time, in hate, and trying to use anger to forget love. Why would anyone wish to forget love? That is a better question.

It is strange to see that a relationship, not even nescessarily romantic, that has lasted years to dissipate in a matter of seconds, and soon that person is just another face in the crowd. Perhaps it is a face who's person's intimate details you are aware of, but that fact is pushed into the dark recesses of the mind so that we might not feel pain at the loss. We as human beings, creatures of a loving nature, could we not still remember the pleasant memories and not feel pain? Why is it so strange for me to smile at the memories? Why do others think I must stop reminiscing? I remember all of those memories and I can smile.

Love. Faith. Hope. I live my life by these things.
Faith in God, and in others as well as an innate good. Hope that all of the things I believe in are truly good. Love, because without it the other two might as well be dust in the wind.

At one point in time you and I were inseperable. People argue, but if they were able to be friends before, why can't we be that again?

So here I am

Writing. Not that I know what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. There is so much going on all the time and I just can’t keep up with life. It’s always ‘this person against that person’ and ‘this person did this’ but ‘that person did that’ and things just get so confusing that it’s hard to know which way is up. And most of the time it’s nearly impossible to tell if the information you’re given is the whole truth or just something that has been passed along through the eyes of too many diluting it to something that is sort of, kind of, the truth but not really.

Then you get when things become so convoluted and somehow the different drama stories that you’ve been keeping up with this whole time start to become intertwined with one another. For example, I have two different friends, who like two different guys. Yet, these two different guys, both like the same girl. And she is one of those girls who goes on flirting with every guy she lays eyes on and leads them all on to think that they have a chance with her when really, she doesn’t want them. And in the process she’s hurting people and even though she KNOWS she’s hurting people she continues to do it anyway.

People come to me. All the time. And I listen. That’s easy enough. They start to ask me for advice and I must say, that’s a tad harder. I do my best, but I don’t know the secrets of the world, and I know nothing about guys. That’s what all these girls come to me about. Yet, I know nothing about this. I have no experience whatsoever. And while they all know this, they all seem to think that I know something that they don’t. As one girl so kindly pointed out when I tried to help her: I have no experience with anything like this anyway.

I do my best just trying to look at things from an objective point of view. So here I am, sitting, and hoping that the advice I am giving these girls is the right advice to give.

She tells me I am holding myself back…

… and she is probably right. When it comes to these things she usually is. But she also tells me that she thinks you like me, and I can’t be sure about that. Not yet anyway. Yes, she knows me very well, and she tells me that I should have told you. That I should have just told you that night; I should have told you that I like you. I don’t think I can even do something like that. I am not sure that I want to know what you think of that idea. It’s a scary thought. I think about you a lot, about everything that’s happened, and I want to agree with her, but I don’t want to think things that may not be true. The only thing I can say is what if it isn’t true? When I tell her this, I know that she is thinking that it’s things like this where I get in my own way of something happening. But why should I have to take the first step? If you actually like me, why can’t you do it? In reality, I almost just want to stop thinking about you. I don’t know why I get so scared when I am thinking about things like this, but it does scare me. This is a step in my life that I haven’t had to consider yet, but she makes me think about it, and consider it, and even though I want it, I think I am scared. Well, I guess she is probably right and it’s more nerves than anything, I am not sure it makes it any better. So yes, it’s better to just stop thinking because there is no point in just hoping for things that probably won’t happen.

You told me to just hope for the best, but you don’t know that it’s you. If you knew, then you probably wouldn’t be saying that. You would tell me that I should get over it, and that’s okay because that’s what I need to do. I want to think all sorts of things, but I do my best to stop myself because things just don’t happen for me. I think it may be too soon anyway for me to know if I actually really like you, so in my opinion, it’s just better for me to give it time. She tells me that if I were just able to do what I needed to do, something could have happened already and I wouldn’t still be thinking these things. But I doubt myself too much. What makes me think that I will find someone that I like that likes me too? Sure I am young, but why should I think that this prospect of my life is going to go anywhere? Why should I be able to find that somebody that everyone always wants to find? And it’s thoughts like this that make her say things like this to me…

(Oh wow they never play this song on the radio, but of course they are playing it now: Somebody by Reba McEntire – and I can’t help singing along)

I shouldn’t be doing this

I really shouldn’t. I should be working on homework and not typing this right now. But, I don’t want to work on homework stuff. There are so many things going on right now that I just can’t concentrate on anything. I am talking to you right now, only I guess, it’s a different you. I have talked about someone I refer to as “you” but I can’t think about him right now. I did my best not to think about him before anyway. It’s not the smart thing to do. So, after what’s happened I did my best to just not think about it and it’s alright. I first started talking about you to people a few weeks ago. I didn’t know exactly what it was that made me so interested in you. I wanted to be able to get to know you some. You are different, interesting, and I think that it’s really cool. I shouldn’t be thinking about you. I should be focused on schoolwork because I need to finish this thing, but while I am talking to you, I can’t help but thinking about you. It’s difficult for me to concentrate and even though I have everything that I need and I just need to be able to copy it onto the powerpoint, I am having issues just doing that. It involves too much thinking. Still, I am trying. I am trying very hard to be able to accomplish this and just finish the stupid homework.

It’s teenage life really. I think it’s all stupid. You are living in it knowing that when you grow up that it’s not going to mean anything to anyone anymore, but all of the little things, all the stupid teenage things still have your attention, because it still feels like it does matter. For now, it will, and although in the future, it will have no relevance to your life, it will still be a memory, and I guess since we are supposed to be living the for the present anyway, why not care about what’s going on. Well, right now, I am writing about whatever first pops in up in my head, but in reality, I am not even sure that it makes sense because I am tired. And of course, I can only think about you right now, which would be hard not to do, because I am talking to you. Even still, I shouldn’t be thinking about you. Stupid teenage things.

Food

I like food, but then again, who doesn’t? Yes, I am in a random mood, I started a blog entry about food. The problem is that I am rather hungry right now and I am waiting for dinner to be ready. That, and I remembered a topic that came up in my Economics class yesterday. Paulina was talking about food from some food-place (the name is escaping me right now) because of something that Marisa said. She said what she ordered there to share between her and her sister and our teacher was astonished at the amount of food that they ordered. Funny thing is, I can eat more. It was so funny knowing that he was tripping our over something that I knew that I could beat. I would have said something, but instead, I was quiet. I don’t really like people knowing my amazing story of food. Its so bad, I just ate so much that day. Paulina was there. She remembers this day that I am remembering. That is why I don’t eat a lot around other people. I generally only eat a “normal amount” (which is still kind of a lot for someone my size) because people start tripping out and then I don’t want to eat anymore. I actually think that it’s funny.

Well, I want something to talk about other than food, but I don’t think that I have anything else to talk about. I am just that hungry. It’s quite distracting; I can’t bring my mind to think of too much else besides music and food. I guess that’s alright because music and food is all we need anyway. (That was a joke by the way.)

Tomorrow is the first day of Tiller Days! I think I am going to go tomorrow. This will be the second time that I will have gone to Tustin Tiller Days. I went last year and I hope that I have more fun this year. I am actually quite excited about it. It seemed like it would be really fun. The only problem I had was that I didn’t actually go with anyone so once the guys (Nyne) was done and everyone left I was left on my own. That was my cue to leave. This time, however, I am actually going with a group of people, which is something that I have never done in my life, and I am looking forward to it. Either way, I am getting ahead of myself. I don’t really even know if I am going to be able to go. So, we will have to see.

Fairytales...

are lies. They lead children to believe that things that will never happen will. Sure, all these Disney movies are cute, and fun to watch, but they LIE. From the time that all the young are born, they learn and watch fairytale movies and hear fairytale stories. I may have to go out on a limb and say that it can be worse for girls than it is for boys. They show these little girls that 15 and 16 year olds can see a guy and they will fall in love and get married and they don't even have to say a paragraph's worth of dialogue to one another. (I say 15 and 16 because that's actually how old alot of them are.) It's not right. I see my little girl cousins talking about their "Prince Charming" that is waiting for them to grow up some and know that there is no such thing.

I see them believing these lies and even though I know that this won't happen, I have to play along because "it's nice to llet them have something to believe in" (or so the other females in my family say). Well, in my opinion, the only thing that's going to happen is that one day, they are going to wake up and realize that life just doesn't work that way, and they will be heart broken. They are going to realize that in real life, things don't just work out for you.

What are we teaching our children? Of course, all of these movies are adorable and must-sees, if you know better than to believe them, but how do you avoid children believing in things that just don't happen? It's not easy, but I guess I will have to wait and see...

Hold On

Hold on to what is good,

Even if it is a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe in,

Even if it is a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do,

Even if it is a long way from here.

Hold on to life,

Even when it is easier to let go.

Hold on to my hand,

Even when I have gone away from you.

The New Year

It is the beginning of the new year. I keep telling myself that this year won't be like last year. This year I will be stronger. This year, no one will see. Of course, there is always a possibility, but I refuse to believe that I can be any weaker. The time passes, and with each day, it seems to go so fast, yet it seems like an eternity. Time goes too fast to grow up, but but too slow for other things. There are things that I cannot bear to wait for, yet I must because I have no other choice but to do so. That is the way of the world. This year, I will know that I have true friends, and two truer than all that I will need forever.
One: she is the one who will always give me understanding and will always listen to what I have to say; she is the one who can sympathize and make me feel better simply by understanding what I say, because most don't.
Two: she is the one who keeps me strong, no matter what happens, I know that she will never let me fall down on my own; because of her, I will always be strong, and I will always be able to keep moving on.
These are people who I realized were true friends that I have been waiting for my whole life. In 2009, I found them, and realized I had them. Now, in this new year, in 2010, I realized that things will be different and that they will be different for the better. And for that, I am glad. WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR!!!!

Why is the world so backwards?

I have just now found out that the world is too insanely backwards. People tell me that I am backwards with me being left handed and everything else that I do backwards from everyone else. But really, it is the world that is backwards. I have been in a state of utter confusion with these two guys that I have liked in the past few years. While I liked the first one, the other would be giving signs and vying for that kind of attention that I would try to ignore in hopes that the first would work out. But, after too long of hoping for the first, I decided to turn to the second and put my attention on him in hopes that maybe something would work out with him. That, of course, didn't work one bit. After my descision to switch to the other, it went well, but began to fall apart, and the first one began acting different, as if he wanted something closer than a mix between aquaintances and friends. It was confusing. I didn't want to get into a mix with two guys, so tried my best not to care. This didn't work so well either. I finally made the descision (for those of you that don't know, I suck at spelling, I try my best) that I wouldn't make a descision, and that I would stop trying and let things flow the way that they would. And it has not been more than 24 hours since I made that descision (it's been about 23... hehe), and things are beginning to fall closer and closer in to place. I just don't have to try, and everything seems to already be working out. It's as if not trying is the best form of trying. You cannot tell me that this world is not backwards... this not trying really is working so much better than trying to do anything. For this reason, I almost don't mind that the world is this way, it just makes things harder because it took so long for me to realize that in order to try for one, then, I just have to stop trying for either. For some reason, I now that this will make everything work out. Though this backwards world makes everything more difficult, it made it take longer for me to realize what I have to do, I love this backwards world because if everything was just so easy, then there would be no point in doing anything. And though it took me three years to realize what I had to do for these two guys, I am glad, because I have time to become ready for what is to come in my life.

Inspire Me...

Inspire me...
I need to be inspired. Some people can be inspired from dreams that they have. Yet some people don't dream. Does that mean that they cannot be inspired? As far back as I can remember, I have only had a small number of dreams, and all of them have come true, except for the nightmares. There are people who believe that every dream means something. So what does it mean if whatever you dream comes true? When I dream, it is not necessarily what I want or feel, it's just there, not able to be controlled. I am also the one that experiences deja vu way too much. I am constantly having the thought that something has happened before, even when it hasn't. For example, one time when I was in seventh grade, I was in my science class led by the awesome Mr. Williamson. It was one day when he was asking about the semi-circular canals in your ear. I had remembered him telling us about them the day before so I raised my hand and gave him the answer to what they were. After I was done, everyone was looking at me and asking how I knew what they were. I told them that he told us yesterday, but no one know what I was talking about. Even Mr. Williamson didn't think he had told us what they were. In that, I knew something without knowing that I knew, and without knowing where I got the information from. After that, I began noticing all of the times when I had the feeling that something happened before, or when I knew something that I didn't know that I knew, and had no explanation for how I knew. It happened surprisingly often.

I didn't know what to make of it, and I still don't. I have all these feelings, feelings that nobody else can really relate to. The better I know somebody, the more I know about them without them having to tell me, and the better I can know what they're thinking. Not many people are okay with the wierd things that happen in my head. Lucky for me, as said before, I have Mei, by best of freinds to be there to accept me for the person that I am. She doesn't always understand it, the wierd things, but she is always okay with it, and I love her for it.

My sense, it's almost like an animal sense. I can tell what a person is feeling, especially when it's a person that I know well. I can know what they're feeling, even when they are able to hide the feeling from everybody else. I could never figure out how I know, but it's there, and for once, somone likes me for always knowing, Mei.

Without her, I would be alone, never showing anyone my true insides.