04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

Twisted Fate

All of the "should have"s, "would have been"s, and "could possibly still be"s buzz in my head from time to time. I can't help but wonder and think and dream...

It's strange to think that you are over a break up, but still feel affection for the person. I am not one who hates and is spiteful, and pushes away all the bad memories. I will look on those memories and smile. I  have lost too many good friends, and too much precious time, in hate, and trying to use anger to forget love. Why would anyone wish to forget love? That is a better question.

It is strange to see that a relationship, not even nescessarily romantic, that has lasted years to dissipate in a matter of seconds, and soon that person is just another face in the crowd. Perhaps it is a face who's person's intimate details you are aware of, but that fact is pushed into the dark recesses of the mind so that we might not feel pain at the loss. We as human beings, creatures of a loving nature, could we not still remember the pleasant memories and not feel pain? Why is it so strange for me to smile at the memories? Why do others think I must stop reminiscing? I remember all of those memories and I can smile.

Love. Faith. Hope. I live my life by these things.
Faith in God, and in others as well as an innate good. Hope that all of the things I believe in are truly good. Love, because without it the other two might as well be dust in the wind.

At one point in time you and I were inseperable. People argue, but if they were able to be friends before, why can't we be that again?

My Darling Valentine

Do you remember that conversation we had that night? The one that made you cry...?
When I told you that I didn't trust you with how I felt because you had never hurt me before... and it was such a shock to me. I love you, but I didn't trust you. You cried that night, and pushed me away from you because you felt that you didn't deserve me. You cried, and we spent that night together, just the two of us, so that I could show you that I love you. That same night I realized that it would be okay to trust you again. Your remorse seemed so sincere... and I knew I could never be upset with you for long. I love you too much.
Do you remember our first valentine's day? We were hanging out by the pool after school, just relaxing and talking, lingering rather than walking home. Neither of us had valentines, and we were talking about it. You mentioned that you had never had a valentine before. I offered to be your Valentine. Your face lit up and you had me in a hug that was insanely long, tight, and uncomfortable.... I always laugh remembering that day. Every year after that we always had something special to say to each other on Valentine's day. This year? I sang you a song.
I'm sorry for daring to try to love another. I'm sorry for not simply sitting back and enjoying you. I dwelled in the past, and took that into the present thus making it dark and cold with the ghosts, rather than bright and happy like the love in our hearts. The love in my heart.
I gave you that bracelet, that wasn't finished, and you told me it was just like our story, unfinished. Our unfinished story.

I dedicated my song tonight to three types of people.

People who had never been sung a lullaby.
So that you would know that someone loves you. You are not alone. You don't have to build up walls and keep people out. I love you, will always love you, and I will always be here to comfort you when you need it.

People who like to believe that you can love someone forever in just one moment of time.
So that you would remember that moment in the movie theatre, that moment in the car, that moment in the park, that moment by the science building... all of our little moments and infinite amount of forevers.

and lastly...

People who know that even though you've finished a chapter, you still have the rest of the book to read.
So that I could have hope in the words that you yourself said: Our unfinished story. So many times I lose hope, than God reminds me about love and all of our happy times together, and I can smile again because he gives me back that hope. The you of the past gives me back the hope. Love. Your love gives me hope. It has for the past almost-four years, and it will continue to give me hope even when you're not around.

You said you've loved me for all of these years... I said I loved you too.
You said that you loved me even beyond the love of intimate friendship that I had for you and I brushed it off.
I don't believe that you've stopped loving me... I just believe you're hurt. We both are. I still love you though. I'm sorry that you have to feel pain. I would take it all away and carry it all myself if I could.

For you my darling valentine... You may not think you have one, or consider yourself mine, but you are my valentine. The person that I love despite all opposition... the person I love and cherish above all the rest. Happy Valentine's day. I love you, and I promised you I would always love you. You promised you would never forget.

I'll never forget you my valentine.
The one from freshman year, who was so excited and happy to have his first valentine.
The one from sophomore year, who was torn and confused but still willing to love me and let me love him.
The one from Junior year who listened to my stories of travel.
and most importantly the one from Senior year, who looked me in the eyes as we lay under the moon and stars in the dark of night and said, that he would always love me too.

Hear My Cry

I'm trying to reach out to you. To call out to you. You who once knew my heart mind and soul so well. Can you hear me crying out?
You have every right to ignore my call. After what I've done I don't blame you. I promise you I have changed though. I am no longer that confused little girl. I am still maturing, still changing, I still have childish tendencies, but I am now becoming a young woman. We have both changed, I should hope for the better. I'd like to believe that I have become a better person over the years. Remember when we talked about people changing? About how people have to change together?
In that I have changed too. For people to have a relationship they don't have to change together. They can change seperately. Everyone has good and bad in them. That saying that says people just can't get along because they "clash"? I believe it's all boulderdash. People can still be friends, if you try hard enough. We're all just a little too stubborn.

So here I am hoping to appeal to your better nature. I know it's been ages, but hear me? Talk to me? Let's be friends again because I miss our late night conversations that moved me to tears and our revelry in the day that taught me to fall in love with life.

Courage

Can I muster up the courage to talk to him? I'm not quite so sure... Valentines day so close and I remember this special holiday in the years past and I can't help but remember how happy he was to have my company on this day, and now this year I'm not so sure. All of this stemming from one decision to give a kiss and now my life has been forever changed.
I am tired of the fighting and the avoiding conversation. I am not sure if I can do this. I am trying to be patient, but I am torn apart. He is happy though and in that I am happy right? I am. In my sadness though I am not... if that could possibly be understood.

I am tired of all of this. I want to forget the past. Move on. Live in love. I want to move on and let him know that I love him -_-

Faith

We will never get back to the "pure and untainted love" that I've last written about. That will never be possible, the only place that love that I spoke of can exist is with God himself. We can still have a pure love though, a love that can fight everything from stupid teenagers that make me cry to the senility of old age.
To be avoided, to be happy and ignore the wall between us. I still miss his company, his laugh, the days when his eyes were the brightest blue. Now whenever I see them they are the steely blue that make me feel so cold. There are moments when they are bright again, and I can smile, and laugh. To see his eyes at all and I am happy.
I am constantly in prayer for what to do, for guidance and strength, and I am constantly reminded that "Love is patient". I am not a patient girl, but I am learning to have faith in what God tells me, what my heart tells me, and what you, my love, what you tell me. I must wait for you to be ready to talk to me, but my head is filled with doubts that you will never be ready. You do not lie though, so I must trust you that you will talk to me when you are good and ready, but for now I wait.
This is a cut, and we can either choose to let it heal raggedly untended and the scar rise above the skin or we can choose to heal it cleanly and the scar will fade away over time just like the scar on my arm.
You are my best friend, and I want to do everything in my power to never lose you, but God is telling me I must sit back and allow him to do his work.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have hope, and faith in you and your love for me, the love you said you had for me. Do you have faith in me too?

Will We Always Be This Broken?

I shouldn't have to censor my thoughts or words around my best friend. Because he is my boyfriend does that change things? Which (for lack of better diction) title takes precedence? Is he my best friend first and foremost? Or do I treat him as my boyfriend, watching what I do and say? If a combination of both what parts do I take from each?
Our first big fight and I've come to terms with it. I've forgiven him, but still I feel hurt and pain. Will I always feel this hurt? Will I remember this first fight for the rest of my life and feel the sting of past hurt? I'm afraid that he and I are too broken now. We are on the rocks, we're talking, saying our "I love you"s and exchanging kisses and holding hands and smiling as the world looks on us, but I feel the hurt still. I see it in his eyes and can feel it in how careful I am about what I say now. I don't want to be careful about what I say around him. He was supposed to be that person I could say everything to. Now I must be cautious? Now I must censor myself? Can I do that? Am I supposed to?

Will you and I get back to that pure sweet and untainted love that I knew for almost four years? Is that all lost now?

I Want You Back

I realized I never said those words to you in my letter; the only form of communication you and I have had since the us became the you and the I. I wondered why, it was the truth and now still is. I love you, and I want you back in my life. I have to have you back in my life. I need you in my life, because without you I'm lost. Then why didn't I tell you?
I was afraid that you wouldn't want me back too. I didn't want to hear the truth, and now here I am doing what I can to get what I want, when I should be happy if you're happy. In a way I am, but I also want us to be happy together. Now after typing that I only feel so selfish, but it's true that I want you back. I'm being honest here. I was happy to hear that you actually took the time to read my letter at new years. Thank you for that. Thank you for not shutting me out then.
Today I couldn't help but smile and be happy. I remembered all of our happy times together, and I would laugh. You made comments in english that made me laugh and smile, and roll my eyes. In a good way mind you. I didn't roll my eyes because I thought you said something stupid... I rolled my eyes because it was just very you to make that comment.
Today I thought about Russia. The messages you sent me on facebook, and their ridiculousness. How hard that trip was for me. How just as if I had never been gone, I left Mr. Morgan's classroom after zero period, turned left, went around the building, and saw you. How I smiled, and ran to hug you. How you caught me. How I cried because I missed you. When I told you how ridiculous I felt for crying. I hadn't realized how much I missed you until I finally saw you. I remember how you told me how lost you felt without me around. Today I experienced that. You have always been my constant companion, and I never really noticed it until you were gone.  I miss my best friend.

I am afraid about being pushed away from you, but at the same time I know I will have to be honest with you if I am to have hope.

Sunshine

Happy New Year to all of you who bother to read this!
May God bless and keep you and all of your loved ones!
Notice, I did not say family. For some family is your blood relatives, for others family is so much more than that... So to be sure that my meaning is clear, I truly do mean all of those who you love and keep dear to you. The end of my year suddenly hit me with a pang of hurt and sorrow, but who's to say that it won't make me stronger? This time I know my faults, and I will not take more blame than is my worth. I have cried, but I will not steep in my own sorrow. It is a new year, and the sun is shining.
I refuse to let that part of me that sees only the bad thrive. I have my hope, and that's all that is really needed. I look far too much to the negative, and now life is showing me that the negative is not who I was meant to be. I am loud and happy. That is who I choose to be.
The new year though does bring it's own challenge for me. My new years resolution, a challenge... If you know me at all it's quite obvious I would have picked something challenging for myself. If you truly know me you will also expect me to fail. This year though I feel something different. A strange determination fills my heart that I have not felt before. So now I will choose to be wiser, and think before I speak.
Yes, that is my new years resolution. I hope you do not think I will beging to censor my thoughts and words. Au contraire messiuer-dames! I will still voice out my thoughts and opinions when I deem it appropriate to. I believe that it is rather I will choose my words more carefully. The english language has words that have such careful connotations, and more often than not I ignore those connotations in my speech. So now I think before I speak in the hopes of improving who I am.
A new me, and a new year. How cliche. Well I suppose it's not to be helped, I'm quite the cliche person.

The Hundreth Post Which Just Like The Others Is About Life and Love

Dear... How do i start with dear in these sort of things?
     What's more appropriate? Hey? What's up? -Nick? Yes, that one?
Nick,    
     I'm at a loss for words and yet I write. My speech flows more when I write but I'm also much more uncensored. So please, bear with me?
     I've never been good with the English language. I speak before I think, just trusting the immediate meaning of a word rather than it's connotations. I'm self centered, think way too often about myself instead of seeing what I do to those around me. In retrospect do I realize what I've done what I do. Many times I make the same mistake again before I finally learn.
     I just thought about this, but sorry if this is hard to read.      
     I'm still a child. I make mistakes and I try my best to learn from them, but I don't. I'm a far cry from the young woman I want to be. I'm anxious all the time. I choose to expect the worst because I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up. I'm afraid of the world failing me and life pushing me down. I've learned to expect the least, to be happy with what I have. I know I don't deserve to have the things I do. I don't deserve to be happy, and yet I am. I push away those who love me, and don't let them get close to me. that way when they leave me I won't miss them as much. I think, feel, and believe such desolate things, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it all. There is that hopeful part of me, though it doesn't seem to come out in private too often. I dwell in the past, afraid it will dictate my future. When I see a similarity suddenly I worry that I'm going down the same path. I either worry continuously until I've forgotten about it, or I fight too hard against it, instead of seeing what will be I only see what was.
    I have flaws. I make mistakes, and I'm only human. I'm sorry. Sorry that I've caused you pain. I'm sorry that I've hurt someone who means so much to me. I'm sorry I looked at the darker side of things. I'm so happy around you that none of it could possibly be real. Something had to be wrong and i had to find it.     
     I'm sorry i brought up my ex's all the time, they meant a lot to me, but they're the past (you are were are were) You're my present. I didn't see what was in front of me because I was too focused on what was behind me rather then treating you like my boyfriend I still tried to act like you were my best friend. I wasn't careful about what I said, I should have changed, been more willing to move forward but I didn't. I'm sorry for drifting out of reality. For not smiling every time I saw you or letting you know how much i love you each and every moment I'm sorry for not appreciating all the little things you've done for me over the years. even the big things like being my shoulder to cry on, and my friend. for loving me. 
     There's still so much to learn and understand about each other. There are so many sides to you, and I should put in the effort to figure it out.
     This isn't as important, but I'm soo sorry about your glasses! I really didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
     I should probably explain what the random puzzle pieces are. they were supposed to be a scavenger hunt for our 3 month anniversary. Start with an empty jar and a clue which led you to a puzzle piece, then another and so on and so forth. The gift was meant for you, so here, and happy new year. They were supposed to be in different places that (are) were important to us from freshman year on
     If I ever appeared to be trying to change you, then I'm sorry. I love you just the way you are. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. you mean so much to me, and I love you. I don't know any other way to say it.     
     Well I suppose this is my final plea. for now I can't think of much else save for I wasn't trying to play games, toy with emotions. This is what I'm thinking. I want the chance to talk to you face to face and talk about this    

Love, Sincerely? Both? how do you end this sort of letter... thing?
Paulina

I want to work things out. I need to work out my issues and I'm asking you to bear with me. you promised you'd never forget that I loved you no matter what. Please don't break that promise.



I'm sorry. I know you don't even know about this blog, and you'll get the original handwritten version but I'm so sorry. I love you. I want to be around you. I want to have you in my life. You've made me stronger. And I hope to God I didn't do the opposite for you. Thank you for that.

Fairytales...

are lies. They lead children to believe that things that will never happen will. Sure, all these Disney movies are cute, and fun to watch, but they LIE. From the time that all the young are born, they learn and watch fairytale movies and hear fairytale stories. I may have to go out on a limb and say that it can be worse for girls than it is for boys. They show these little girls that 15 and 16 year olds can see a guy and they will fall in love and get married and they don't even have to say a paragraph's worth of dialogue to one another. (I say 15 and 16 because that's actually how old alot of them are.) It's not right. I see my little girl cousins talking about their "Prince Charming" that is waiting for them to grow up some and know that there is no such thing.

I see them believing these lies and even though I know that this won't happen, I have to play along because "it's nice to llet them have something to believe in" (or so the other females in my family say). Well, in my opinion, the only thing that's going to happen is that one day, they are going to wake up and realize that life just doesn't work that way, and they will be heart broken. They are going to realize that in real life, things don't just work out for you.

What are we teaching our children? Of course, all of these movies are adorable and must-sees, if you know better than to believe them, but how do you avoid children believing in things that just don't happen? It's not easy, but I guess I will have to wait and see...

I pretend that I'm confident... because I'm afraid.

I pretend to be loud... because I'm afraid what they'll ask if I'm quiet.

I pretend to be strong... because in truth i'm pitifully weak.

I pretend to know what i'm doing... because I honestly have no clue what to do.

I pretend to be so much... because I'm afraid that you won't love me. ♥

Happy Birthday

"Happy Birthday! We miss you!"

And it's true. All three of us miss you.

2008: A precious little girl. With the little red patch on her face. A little bit of you and I sown in.

2009: A fragile paper box. Tiny little handmade stars. Beautiful memories with every little fold

2010: Thoughts. Emotions. Love. These words.

I saw him yesterday... and he was either engrossed in the complexity that is a crossword puzzle that he held in his hand, or he didn't want to talk to me. Knowing him it's quite possibly both at once. I wanted to reach out, and hug him like I would have done ages ago... I know it's not too long ago, and yet to me it feels like ages... but I knew it would have been inappropriate. That my feelings would not be reciprocated. I want to say that I know because I am so sure, and yet, I do not know, and the little flicker in my heart called hope wants to say he was holding himself back too. The part of me that always keeps me here on earth though... is telling me just how wrong I am.

I was foolish, and when I was asked to choose, I didn't choose him. I chose someone new, someone fresh, someone who I thought wouldn't give me the tumultuous life that I had lead with today's birthday boy. I was so wrong, and now it's too late to fix the mistake I made. All of the hurt I did to someone I honestly loved. Still love. I promised him that I would always love him, no matter what happened. It's true though, I do still love him. The one promise I have honestly kept with him. The rest I can't go back and fix either. So many mistakes to such a jewel, that I didn't realize I had. Perhaps he was right. Sometimes the girl has to do the chasing. Especially when she doesn't deserve the man she chases. A man shouldn't chase a girl who doesn't deserve him ever. All of the things society and chivalry say that a man should do for a lady, should also be reciprocated.

So now, because anything else would be inapporopriate. These words are my birthday gift to you this year.

I'm so sorry for everything. You were right all along, and you didn't deserve the abuse I put you through. You didn't deserve, the fighting, the arguements, the unreciprocated love. You didn't deserve the pain I put you through. You didn't deserve the confusion, any of it. You still don't. All of the mistakes were my own. You were never at fault. You still aren't. I miss you. And despite all of the broken promises to you, I have kept one. I love you.

Giggly Tidbits

He. Me. Laughter. Right now it is unexplainable. That, and I feel like a foolish giggly girl. Is it not possible for me to simply spend time with a friend of mine, who is of the opposite sex, and not feel so giggly?
Yes. I know they exist. I have several of them, but why now? Why while I'm healing? Healed. To be truly healed though, I must be healed for a span of time... So I may be healed, but I am still healing. I was hurt. I had been hurt. He asked about it... and tried to make me feel better about it all.
We talked about the nonsensical... And I wanted to be close to him. I liked being close to him. It was not instant attraction. It is not even strong attraction... and yet I was. Why? How? Just a thought.  A tidbit. Am I alone in this? Is it just me? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has thought this before.
He was so changed from my memory... And that was only two years ago. He has lost that squishy teddy bear look to him, and now... He is growing into a young man... More then that, a young gentleman. He is taller, leaner, his face elongated.
What did he see when he looked at me? Had I changed? It may feel like it was long ago when we met, but in the terms of a lifetime, it was just a blink of an eye...I wonder what I look like now, to those I haven't seen in the longest time... What do they think of me?
Or am I still that child? Am I still that loud little girl? I don't feel as if I have changed... I rather feel that I am very much the same.

Daggers.

I feels as if a knife was slowly pushed into my heart, then twisted hard then ripped out. I feel like crying. I can feel the tears, and my heart like a stone pulling me down. i want to sleep, to hide in the dark and never come out. I want night to never end. I want stars, cold air on my skin. I feel like my bones are ripped from my body. Yet I am holding myself up. Yet my eyes are dry. yet I am discussing transcendentalism. I am in so much pain, and yet I can keep it all in. I can breathe, live in the physical. Mentally I exist for what this horrendous system gives me. It's so odd on how I hate the system and yet I crave teh education, the knowledge. Emotionally I'm dying. I love, and yet the pain I feel so so constantly manifested by the sharp pain I feel in my shest. It's throbbed and stabs at me now for hours. I won't even make it go away. It is a reminder of my pain. A physical manifestation of what is occuring in my emotional sphere.

Ajourd'hui

Ajourd'hui. C'est mon anniversaire. C'est n'est pas speciale. C'est resemble tous le jours. Mais je sais ajourd'hui veuz etre speciale. Je suis triste, mais je peux etre joyeux. C'est mon anniversaire! J'ai seize ans! C'est un jour speciale. je parle avec Ryan en le matin. Il est magnificent. Il trouve mon bonheur. J'adore Ryan, mais c'est Chase qui j'aime. Oui? Qui suis-je? Je suis Mei. J'ai seize ans. J'aim orange. Ajourd'hui est mon anniversaire et mon amour est... Ryan ou Chase? J'adore Ryan, J'aime Chase. Je suis confondu. Ne ne peuz pas ecrit tous mon expressions en francais.

I Am In A Quandary

I'm quite a lucky little girl.
I know the majority of my vocabulary words because Ryan and Jonathan had used them so often around me...
I'm lucky in other ways...
If I'm so lucky, then why am I so reluctant to reciprocate the love that I am lucky to receive?
Perhaps...I don't belong in that world at all. Maybe he wants me in that world, in his world, but I can't! I couldn't possibly. I don't fit. I don't belong.
It hurts me though. To not be a part of all his laughter and revelry. Is it wrong for it to hurt so much? Is it wrong for me to want so much? I thought perhaps only to hear his voice... but then, I'm not sure... It only made everything that much worse.

Why is it always so hard to let go... For the people that it's hard to let go... Is it because you still want to hold on?

Tustin Beat Foothill at 9:11 P.M. on 9/11

One sleepless night
Two boxes of tissues
Three friends shoulders
Four good cry sessions
Five times trying to suck it up
Six packets of pancit canton
Seven filipino hot dogs
Eight times an article read over
Nine attempts to begin homework
and Ten thoughts of feeling sick tired and sorry for myself,
the usual, stereotypical of the event thoughts for a girl ran through my head,
Why me? Why now? Why so sudden? etc etc etc.
but I also couldn't help but think the (also kinda sorta stereotypical)
What happened to forever? What happened to us? Why couldn't we work it out? Why aren't I trying harder? Why do i feel like he's giving up on me? even worse on us...?
I wandered out into the dark last night and cried. I cried my heart out alone in that cold dark, night. I sobbed, lying on wet grass. Eventually a friend found me, and made me laugh, but I still don't feel any better.
What happened to trying to work it out together? What happened to trying to pull through it all? What happened to loving me, and not wanting to hurt me? What happened to all of that?
I won't get sleep for a little bit of time, and we may have to buy more tissues than we used to, but... but what. what's the bright side in all of this?

The worst part of all?
That i won't die of broken heart syndrome, and don't have the guts to do anything else.
Hey my heart is pretty weak, maybe it'll shatter into as many pieces as I feel like it is right now.
The worst part is that I won't die, or waste away, now matter how hard I cry, or how much I want to disappear.
The very very worst part is that I'll be okay...
(heart screams out: yup, i'll be okay in months... years... decades... CENTURIES. -_- )

I Should Have...But I Didn't

He was right there... He was so close. So close that I could remember the feeling of his arms around me. Why didn't I just run into them and stop this silly little fight. All because he didn't call me back...He knew I was upset though, why didn't he call me back and tell me he was joking? That only enflamed me more.
Why didn't he sweep me up into his arms... I was so close. Wasn't he thinking the same thing? I know that I can be silly and stubborn at times, but why didn't he?
It's in my pride, my pride for keeping up my emotions, possibly why I hold grudges for so long. I couldn't possibly run to him now. But I don't want to sit around and wait for him to come to me, and tell me he's sorry so that I can give in and say I'm sorry too. He can't read my thoughts like he used to be able to, or my body language, or the tone in my voice.
If this is what only two weeks apart will do to us, then I fear for the years to come.

To any of my current readers, my future readers. If you love someone. When you love someone. Don't let them go. Hold them close. Even if you're fighting, just run into their arms, and hold each other. What was that saying?
Never lie in life, but if you must lie, lie in the arms of one you love.