My Beautiful Sister :)

Day #5

I have a sister. A beautiful sister. She is just so wonderful and I love her so much. She is just amazing as any person can be and I love it when she comes to visit me. We talk a lot, about everything under the sun and I am just so thankful that she is a person in my life. I have only ever lived with her for a total of maybe five years and while maybe we didn’t always get along when we were younger, she always listened to me and as we both got older we found that we enjoyed each others company more and more. I love my sister so much and I love the times when I get to spend time with her and just hang out because she is one of my best friends. I feel so lucky that I have a sister like her because I she is a person that I get along with and that I know that I can talk to about anything and everything no matter what. And that is something that is absolutely amazing to have. That’s more than I can ask for and yet, it was given to me in my sister. We spent time together today and we got the chance to talk again like we haven’t been able to in a while. I always miss her terrible and I love that time that we get to spend together. She is the listener. The advice giver. The driver. The one who made it through everything and did everything on her own. I look up to her and I have learned a lot from her. She is my role model, and even though she’s made a lot of mistakes, who hasn’t? The point is that she’s worked through them and does the best she can with what she’s given and what she’s done in the past. And that, is something to look up to.

My Grandpa <3

Day #4

I have a grandpa. A very wonderful one at that. I am so thankful that he is alive. A main theme of this year I guess is to recognize what I have that others don’t. Some people don’t have a grandpa, and I have two. There is one that I see all the time and even though his retina is detaching and he may be blind for the rest of his life, he is ALIVE. And no amount of blindness can change that one bit. He is my grandpa, and he lives. He tells me stories, he conversates with me, he gives me good food and lets me do whatever I want. If I ever ask him for anything he just tells me: mi casa es su casa, take whatever you want. And I smile cuz I love his accent when he talks. I love my grandpa so much and even if he goes blind, I’m just happy that he’s still alive :)

A Loving Family

Day #2

I have reason to be thankful. I have a loving family and even though they just make me so mad sometimes, I love them all and I know that they still love me. Today I just got so frustrated with them, as all teenagers and everyone else for that matter does.  It just happens, it’s a part of life and it’s going to happen to everyone no matter who you are. I am so thankful to have my family; there are so  many out there not nearly as fortunate as I. Not only do I actually have a family, as opposed to the many out there that don’t, but I get to see them and I talk to them and they’re people that I can actually be in a room with for more than five minutes without wanting to shoot someone or even myself. They’re people that I love and people I get along with. I hear so many stories from my friends of their families that just don’t connect at all and don’t talk and don’t even interact with one another and I am just so thankful that my family isn’t like that. They’re people who want to be around me and actually care enough to want to spend time with me, and that is something to be thankful for.

Sunshine

Happy New Year to all of you who bother to read this!
May God bless and keep you and all of your loved ones!
Notice, I did not say family. For some family is your blood relatives, for others family is so much more than that... So to be sure that my meaning is clear, I truly do mean all of those who you love and keep dear to you. The end of my year suddenly hit me with a pang of hurt and sorrow, but who's to say that it won't make me stronger? This time I know my faults, and I will not take more blame than is my worth. I have cried, but I will not steep in my own sorrow. It is a new year, and the sun is shining.
I refuse to let that part of me that sees only the bad thrive. I have my hope, and that's all that is really needed. I look far too much to the negative, and now life is showing me that the negative is not who I was meant to be. I am loud and happy. That is who I choose to be.
The new year though does bring it's own challenge for me. My new years resolution, a challenge... If you know me at all it's quite obvious I would have picked something challenging for myself. If you truly know me you will also expect me to fail. This year though I feel something different. A strange determination fills my heart that I have not felt before. So now I will choose to be wiser, and think before I speak.
Yes, that is my new years resolution. I hope you do not think I will beging to censor my thoughts and words. Au contraire messiuer-dames! I will still voice out my thoughts and opinions when I deem it appropriate to. I believe that it is rather I will choose my words more carefully. The english language has words that have such careful connotations, and more often than not I ignore those connotations in my speech. So now I think before I speak in the hopes of improving who I am.
A new me, and a new year. How cliche. Well I suppose it's not to be helped, I'm quite the cliche person.

The Aliens Have Invaded My Imagination!

Things that have come to pass since my last blog include my father's birthday, family complications, tiredness, frustration, and one pearl of a moment given to me by a little girl without the ability to speak.
I was feeling so terribly sick, so I missed my speech class, and went to my uncle's house. When I walked into the door, Sharreign runs to me after shrieking my name and hugs and kisses me. Right behind her comes Caitlynn toddling after, also shrieking, with her arms outstretched to me. I pick her up, swing her in the air, and without my prompting she kisses me on the other cheek. Such a beautiful moment, I'd like to remember it forever. I know I'll have more moments like this though with children of my own. Humans are terrible people but we also have beautiful moments. The question though is rather if they are unique to humans only, or if other's have them as well.
Last night I whited out. I remember his voice, something about ice cream, then It's three in the morning... It was strange. I was abducted by aliens! YES! THAT'S IT! aliens. haha!
The imaginatiion is an amazing thing. Don't suffocate it.

The Brink, The Edge, Whatever You Want To Call It

It's been so easy for me to put the appearance of happiness, or in the least contentment for so long. I've gotten so good at it that I can even truly trick those who really know me if I really wanted to. Now that I've kept everything inside, and locked up for so long, I can't hold it anymore. I can't stop crying, even when times I'm laughing tears escape me, and that's never happened before. Even little TJ can't help me anymore. He's at a loss of words for me. I'm at a loss of words for me.
The fact that my family calls me fat, stupid, ugly. Such simple and base words, but from my family they're so hurtful. From other people usually I can ignore, even make fun of, but from my own family, and for so long? Just thinking about it and I burst out into tears. The past hour has been filled with my tears. My family just passes me and they don't even notice... They can yell at me, be stern with me, be so cold with me, then go and laugh with each other. When they turn back to me they're so cold again though. How can they be so hurtful to me, then so warm to each other? Mon dieu! Water works again... I wish I could stop crying. Crying is weak. You shouldn't cry. There are so many people I know I can turn to, but for some reason I feel like I can't. I turn to a teddy bear. I can't call him that he's done too much for me. I turn to TJ, and he can't do anything for me right now... He's so helpless... Even listening to music, I still sing, but I blare it because I think my voice is terrible.
When I'm with those (or at least talking to those) who I know I truly love, and who honestly love me back, I feel a glimmer of hope that all of these damned emotions will pass, but I can't. Right now every time I start singing, instead I start sobbing. Now I'm learning how to appear emotioneless...It's the only way to stop the tears.
That's no way to live. I'd rather be dead.

Today I Was Told To Watch A Movie, Go Shopping, Or Do Nothing

And of course I get this AFTER I turn down my mother's offer to take us out to a movie...
I tried to sit in on my bed and do nothing. I failed. I couldn't do it, instead I got up and started CLEANING. Ugh, my room is clean now... it disgusts me. I kept wanting to get up and do something. I haven't meditated, or had the need to, in such a long time I can't seem to empty my mind anymore except for when I'm sleeping! Even then my mind is so active.
Last night I had a dream that I was fighting rabid bunnies off of a life raft. My life raft was neon green...
I listened to Contagious by Avril. I ended up playing it several times and dancing alone in my room in my shirt and undies. Yay!!! Oh cmon like you haven't done it before...
I listened to Color Everywhere, by Christian Bautista, and remembered all the moments that we've listened to that song together.
I listened to Ocean Avenue by Yellow Card. I absolutely love that song. It was the song I sang over and over on my way home from his house. He didn't know that before, and If he's reading/read this now he does!
Now I'm listening to Casting Crowns. BEST. WORSHIP. MUSIC. EVER.
-ahem-
So my question for today is : It is father's day, I should appreciate my Daddy. He's at work. WHY?!
Went to church today, praised that father (which in another topic I should remember to write about but If I do now I'll lose focus) and today my Daddy is at work. Why is life so easy for others? And hard for the rest? Why has my family fallen so far from the upperclass nationally known family we had once been? Now we're just another family in another american town. True we are far better off then so many others, but within my own conditioning I am used to so much more. I feel bad for my future husband, he has to support my wants and desires as to what I am accustomed to. Despite the fact that my family has lived in the states for seven years now we are still accustomed to keeping up the appearance of being a well off family to society. I'm sure the rest of my father's family sees us as poor. It's not my fault my father and mother didn't go begging to my grandmother for money like one of his elder brothers did. I said nothing. My mother's family on the other hand sees us as their support too. We help provide for my mother's mother, and my older brother. Of course they help support themselves, but we do what we can.
I wish that my father could afford a house, so that my grandmother and my brother could finally join us, and my mother could be happy that she is with her family too. I wish that he had more days off besides thanksgiving and christmas. I wish he didn't leave early in the morning, and come home late into the night. I feel so selfish for wanting all the things I do, and for having the lifestyle that I'm accustomed to. I feel so selfish, and spoiled. gah! I hate that about me.
Haha! My thoughts have brought me to this, and today he told me to spoil myself! Not directly but indirectly. Now I'm just feeling... Confewzzled?

E-bil. I like that word. Are there any cute words you like?