04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

The Hundreth Post Which Just Like The Others Is About Life and Love

Dear... How do i start with dear in these sort of things?
     What's more appropriate? Hey? What's up? -Nick? Yes, that one?
Nick,    
     I'm at a loss for words and yet I write. My speech flows more when I write but I'm also much more uncensored. So please, bear with me?
     I've never been good with the English language. I speak before I think, just trusting the immediate meaning of a word rather than it's connotations. I'm self centered, think way too often about myself instead of seeing what I do to those around me. In retrospect do I realize what I've done what I do. Many times I make the same mistake again before I finally learn.
     I just thought about this, but sorry if this is hard to read.      
     I'm still a child. I make mistakes and I try my best to learn from them, but I don't. I'm a far cry from the young woman I want to be. I'm anxious all the time. I choose to expect the worst because I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up. I'm afraid of the world failing me and life pushing me down. I've learned to expect the least, to be happy with what I have. I know I don't deserve to have the things I do. I don't deserve to be happy, and yet I am. I push away those who love me, and don't let them get close to me. that way when they leave me I won't miss them as much. I think, feel, and believe such desolate things, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it all. There is that hopeful part of me, though it doesn't seem to come out in private too often. I dwell in the past, afraid it will dictate my future. When I see a similarity suddenly I worry that I'm going down the same path. I either worry continuously until I've forgotten about it, or I fight too hard against it, instead of seeing what will be I only see what was.
    I have flaws. I make mistakes, and I'm only human. I'm sorry. Sorry that I've caused you pain. I'm sorry that I've hurt someone who means so much to me. I'm sorry I looked at the darker side of things. I'm so happy around you that none of it could possibly be real. Something had to be wrong and i had to find it.     
     I'm sorry i brought up my ex's all the time, they meant a lot to me, but they're the past (you are were are were) You're my present. I didn't see what was in front of me because I was too focused on what was behind me rather then treating you like my boyfriend I still tried to act like you were my best friend. I wasn't careful about what I said, I should have changed, been more willing to move forward but I didn't. I'm sorry for drifting out of reality. For not smiling every time I saw you or letting you know how much i love you each and every moment I'm sorry for not appreciating all the little things you've done for me over the years. even the big things like being my shoulder to cry on, and my friend. for loving me. 
     There's still so much to learn and understand about each other. There are so many sides to you, and I should put in the effort to figure it out.
     This isn't as important, but I'm soo sorry about your glasses! I really didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
     I should probably explain what the random puzzle pieces are. they were supposed to be a scavenger hunt for our 3 month anniversary. Start with an empty jar and a clue which led you to a puzzle piece, then another and so on and so forth. The gift was meant for you, so here, and happy new year. They were supposed to be in different places that (are) were important to us from freshman year on
     If I ever appeared to be trying to change you, then I'm sorry. I love you just the way you are. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. you mean so much to me, and I love you. I don't know any other way to say it.     
     Well I suppose this is my final plea. for now I can't think of much else save for I wasn't trying to play games, toy with emotions. This is what I'm thinking. I want the chance to talk to you face to face and talk about this    

Love, Sincerely? Both? how do you end this sort of letter... thing?
Paulina

I want to work things out. I need to work out my issues and I'm asking you to bear with me. you promised you'd never forget that I loved you no matter what. Please don't break that promise.



I'm sorry. I know you don't even know about this blog, and you'll get the original handwritten version but I'm so sorry. I love you. I want to be around you. I want to have you in my life. You've made me stronger. And I hope to God I didn't do the opposite for you. Thank you for that.

Words

Words. No one knows exactly what they can do. Sometimes, they do nothing, they are just there, but sometimes, they can change a person's life.

The other day, I watched this show. There was a man, and his son (whose names I can't remember). The man's business was failing, and he blamed alot of people for his problems and the things that happened. One day he took his son, who was 15, to a cabin he owned in the woods. They talked, and after a while, he asked his son to go outside and gather firewood for him. As the son is coming back, he hears a shot, and when he finally figures out what it was, he finds his dad. His dad had committed suicide and left the son (who had no mom) all alone in the world. In his suicide note, he gave examples of people who just didn't care, who were unkind to him. He wrote that he was too cowardly to take his son with him, and finally, that no one cared.

But the son cared.

For the next few months, he killed everyone who he thought was responsible for his father's death. All of the people that were named in the letter were killed because they had to do their job. When the boy grew up, he had a lot of financial problems too, and began to blame others for his problems. When he was the same age his father was when he killed himself, he began killing again. He killed those people he blames, people who told him that "no one cares." In the end, he was ready to kill his wife, then himself.

Words. They can make a person's day, but they can ruin it too. They can change a person's life. They changed the life of that boy who didn't know what to do. The one thing he remembers about his father's note was that he wrote that no one cares. It hurt him to the core, because he cared about his father, and that death scarred him for life.

So, one thing that you can never forget: no matter how angry you get, how sad you feel, you can never carelessly throw words out there. Someone may remember those words for the rest of their life, and unless they're good words, you don't want to be responsible for the well-being of a person to be worse off than it could have been.

Be careful with words, they can be dangerous weapons, but they can also be the best medicine.

Giggly Tidbits

He. Me. Laughter. Right now it is unexplainable. That, and I feel like a foolish giggly girl. Is it not possible for me to simply spend time with a friend of mine, who is of the opposite sex, and not feel so giggly?
Yes. I know they exist. I have several of them, but why now? Why while I'm healing? Healed. To be truly healed though, I must be healed for a span of time... So I may be healed, but I am still healing. I was hurt. I had been hurt. He asked about it... and tried to make me feel better about it all.
We talked about the nonsensical... And I wanted to be close to him. I liked being close to him. It was not instant attraction. It is not even strong attraction... and yet I was. Why? How? Just a thought.  A tidbit. Am I alone in this? Is it just me? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has thought this before.
He was so changed from my memory... And that was only two years ago. He has lost that squishy teddy bear look to him, and now... He is growing into a young man... More then that, a young gentleman. He is taller, leaner, his face elongated.
What did he see when he looked at me? Had I changed? It may feel like it was long ago when we met, but in the terms of a lifetime, it was just a blink of an eye...I wonder what I look like now, to those I haven't seen in the longest time... What do they think of me?
Or am I still that child? Am I still that loud little girl? I don't feel as if I have changed... I rather feel that I am very much the same.

Screw the New Year

Well, seeing as I was all excited for the new year, this isn't the best thing to say. To be honest, I am just doing my best to just pretend that this is a test for the new year. This is a test to make sure that I am going to continue to live that happy life that I was striving for in the new year. And, I will pass. No matter what happens, I will make it through the new year, and I will be okay through it all. So weird how already, there seems to be hardships. Somehow, I know that I will be fine. Again. Welcome to the New Year (just not as amazing as it seemed a month ago...)

My Friend

This is taken directly from my thoughts. I wonder if you'll ever actually read it. Though the other things I have planned to write here haven't actually been written, I am determined that this one will.

Dear Best Friend,
Yes, you are still the best friend I ever had. I miss you. And I know deep down,you miss me too, even if you are too prideful to admit it. I have been on my first retreat without you, and I do not think I want to do it again, but I will if I must. My friend, you have let yourself be led away from God. You have alowed yourself to be led away from His path for you, doing thing that would not make Him happy. I know you say you are a good Catholic girl, but dear friend, you have begun to cease following Him. He has led us to each other, and we allowed His will to be undone. Sure, you may argue that you have lots of friends that you can count on and rely on and you don't need me, but, answer to yourself honestly, is the true connection there? Can they really supplement everything? If your answer is yes, consider the following:
Can they finish your sentences?
Know your thoughts?
Know when you're hurting, even if they don't say anything?
Make up the same song you are, at the same time?
Are they always honest with you?
Do they go to church with you?
Will/Can they sing and dance with you?
If they do, is their voice a perfect match with yours?
Will they trust you, even if they can't trust themselves?
Were they ever called your hip-attachment, or vice-versa?
If they walk into a room, does everyone ask where you are, or vice-versa?
Even if it happened, could the question be answered?
Would people confuse you, even if you look nothing alike (even someone like Kim Scott, yes, it happened at the retreat)?
Would they overdose on pixie-stix with you?
Sit in the same chair as you?
Sleep in the same bed?
Climb a tree with you?
Would they save you from a car, or save themselves first?
Can you tell them anything, and they won't freak out (I did my best)?
Do they know where those scars came from?
Would they have waited for you for so long, or would they have become prideful or 'over it' saying they don't need you?
Did they bring you Latin that neither of you know, yet somehow knew?
Would they judge you when you told them something, or keep an open mind?
My friend, you and I both know that the list can continue on forever, but we don't have the time. It would take too long. My only hope is that you understand and do the right thing. May God bless you, now and for always.
Your Best Friend (still),
Me (who else?)
P.S. I still pray for you every night
P.S.S. I have so much to tell you!

Flannel Shirt That Is Now A Jacket

Today was the last day for seniors at THS. Everyone rejoices because it is the last day of school. The seniors especially, they don't have to return, they are entering a new phase in their life. They continue on to a new chapter, and ending this one. This crazy one called highschool, the life of a teenager, youth, what adults all say they want to go back to, and they are happy that it's over. Graduation is a day from today, and I am not strong enough to go.

I'm not strong enough to see the people that I've spent the past school year getting to know, getting to love, move on. I know this might seem selfish, or self centered, but all I can think of is that they're leaving me behind. That I'm left here with few friends. True to some I have many friends, but for some insane reason unknown to me I feel so alone.

I didn't know what to write in Ryan's yearbook. I've broken up with him... because I couldn't bear having to say goodbye, so instead I said it earlier? I see no logic in it either. During break today I was laughing with my friends. Something clicked in my mind, and I realized that next year I will be alright. I will have friends, I will be distracted, and I will forget those who have comforted me so much in the past year. The ones who are gone.

Ryan said he knows that I will be alright without him. Somehow I can't imagine it, though I have caught glimpses and I know I will be, I don't wish to admit it. For once in my life I'm stubborn, I don't want change anymore. I didn't know what to write in his yearbook because I don't know how to say goodbye.



I took his flannel shirt from him, though he uses it as a jacket, during lunch.

Today he was wearing somethign terrible! The black shirt that I really like, beneath some plaid-ish black and grey polo shirt and then THIS flannel shirt over it all. Worse part is the flannel shirt and the polo are very similar colors, therefore they clash! Absolute fashion faux paus. The most wonderful part of it all is that he did it on purpose. It's so wonderfully Ryan.

During fifth period after lunch, Theatre, I told Kuya Jonathan that I just might keep this jacket for myself because it's ugly, it looks bad on him, and I like it.

Then the bell rings, I rush off to Tennis, I change, and stuff the shirt into my locker deep in the girl's locker room where he cannot reach it! I see him, I hug him, I say hello. I see his best friend, scream "Urian!" In my little voice run over to him and kiss him on the cheek. Oh he reminds me so much of Manong Anton. Ryan asks if he can have me. Then straight out if we can go out. Be together. Officially a couple. Again. Then in my little way I dart about him weaving in and out of the spaces made by his arms and body. Laughing and asking him why I would do that? It's summer! I'm sure I made no sense. I was dodging.

Urian just wanted him to get his jacket back. I said no, and ran off to tennis. There was another small little (I don't want to say heart attack but one of my little heart problem things) and all I wanted was for him to hold me tight. Practice finally ends, I've been so nervous with no one to hold on to while my heart is pounding away furiously and all of those damned needles in my chest that my nails are bitten again... and he's gone ofcourse.

I was dodging. How I had wanted to say yes and scream it to the world. In breaking up with him though. In removing the fact that we had been an official couple, I've pushed him away a little bit, and I'll cry that much less when it finally hit's me that I don't belong in his world anymore, and he doesn't belong in mine.

I love this flannel jacket though. It means eventually again our worlds have to collide so that he can come and get it. To see him again I'm putting all of my hopes on one jacket...shirt...thing.

That was not as strong an ending as I had hope for.

The Same Mistake

Why is it that somethimes people can't help but to make the same mistake over and over again?

Trust. It can be a big mistake. You can trust a person easily when your little. Well, what happens when you're 8 and your best friend that you trust the most just learned the most important thing in your life right now. She learned what your greatest fear was. Not just some 8-year old fear, but a fear of something that can scare a person of any age. You tell that person and she laughs in your face. What then? You're young. You move on. The next year, you have new friends. They tell you that they care about you and you believe them. I mean, why wouldn't you? Then, they tell you that they don't like you and they don't want to be your friends anymore. So you move on. The next year, you have other friends, but your best friend treats you worse than their neighbor's dog. It just continues that way, year after year. Friend after friend. Hurt after hurt. Over and over again. You would think that eventually, you would learn that people don't always mean it when they say that they care. That, eventually, you would stop caring so much about people, but you can't stop. It keeps hurting. It hurts more and more. Taking the pieces of your heart and shreding them until your heart can no longer be fixed. You would think that after nearly another 8 years of the same hurt, you would learn to stop letting the same thing happen over and over again, but for some reason, you can't. It just keeps happening. Over and over again. Like a vicious cycle, around and around, with no end in sight.

I am blessed. I found Mei. She will be there. No matter what. For once, I can be sure that someone will be there. Someone won't leave me. Somehow, she managed to stick all the pieces of my heart back together. She won't just suddenly decide that she doesn't like me anymore. It's a joke that we have,
"You will always be my best friend, because you know too much"
We are stuck like glue, whether we like it or not. Thankfully, we DO like it...
And so while everyone else can leave me, I know that she will stay. So now it doesn't even matter if I make the same mistake anymore, because whe will always be there for when the next person leaves me. Even then, it won't hurt as bad because she is my best friend, and I won't need anyone else but her.

Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.

Haha... what is love?



Love hurts. It's cold. It's the most painful thing to ever experience. It's full of betrayals, pains. Believe it or not Love is also full of hate. Love has made me cry more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me cry at night. Love is what has made me hate waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like swords piercing through me over and over. Love makes me feel cold and alone sometimes. Love is what shuts me inside, and makes me hide underneath layers and layers of masks. Love is what makes me stare blankly at a wall sometimes, or makes me stand out in the cold rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of suicide. Love is what has made me push others away.

Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.



But Love...Love heals. It's warm. It's the most amazing thing to ever experience. It's full of care,feeling. Believe it or not Love is also indescribable. Love has made me smile more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me smile at night. Love is what has made me love waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like a warm blanket that just envelopes me over and over. Love makes me feel warm and supported. Love is what opens me up, and helps me to expose who I am to others. Love is what makes me interact, or makes me dance in the rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of the future. Love is what has made me bring others closer.



I may be young. I may seem enexperienced. But I know I have loved. In many different ways. I no longer try to define love. I no longer try to understand love. I can only try and describe Love. I could never describe love in general though. You'd have to ask about a certain person.

It's like history. History doesn't repeat itself. The Idea's repeat. Similar to the idea of Love. History's details will never repeat ever again. I know this sounds odd, to compare an emotion so complex and so devestating to something so... well. Odd. As History.



It drives you crazy right?



Love is so many different things. Painful and wonderful all in one. At church once during the homily the priest was talking about love. Relationships. In relationships it's balance as well. You have to understand that you have to sacrifice if you expect to gain anything, if you truly want a loving relationship. If you really love someone wouldn't you want to give them the world anyway? Even if it meant a little bit of pain to yourself'? I understand there are lines that must be drawn, but I will open my life a bit to give an example to you.

My family is close to losing our home. Two thirds of our income relies on my father selling cars. Worst of all he sells high class luxury cars. You would think that he makes a lot of money? No. Not with a failing economy that the United States is experiencing now. The other third of our income, my mother, all goes straight to maintaining the house, buying food, and supporting my Grandmother and older brother in the Phillipines. We're... Several thousand dollars in debt with family, so in that way atleast we don't have to pay back interest. We barely make our house payments now. And yet... My father pays maybe two thousand dollars in fees, among other nescessities for what I do just so that I can have experience. So that I can reach my maximum potential. That is love. That is sacrifice. There are greater stories out there that I can tell you.
Greater things that have occured.
When people first think of Love they think of a couple holding hands. Or somethign somewhat related.
When I first think of love... Oddly enough. I think of my parents arguing. That's another story for another day though.

It's The Trivial Thing.

The holiday season comes to a close.
A new year begins.

I look back at the past and realize how many changes I went through. How many masks I had to put on to try and find out who I am, and if I could be accepted.

What a stupid stupid thing to do.

My friends back then would have accepted me for who I am. Well... Who I was.
I had a friend back then too who would have accepted me for who I am, but I never saw her as important... Now. Well. I don't know if I could live without her. I'd die from everything pent up inside of me if it weren't for her. I thank her in every way possible. We're so different, we're on absolutely different path's for life. Yet... She mean's the world to me, and I'll admit I'd be jealous if she got close with anyone else but me! We've been friends for so long, but only now we're realizing just how much we need each other.

I've had so much heartbreak. I've fallen in love. I've been confused and unsure of myself. At one point I began hurting myself. It took a long break, and meeting someone really special to realize that. While my heart is still on the mend, I've found someone to protect my heart while it heals. Someone who I know would never break my heart. Someone who cherishes me more then I cherish him. We bicker sometimes as to who loves each other more. Well, we used to. Now though we've decided that we love each other equally at an amount that shoots past the very edges of space and time, but he's loved me longer. He has always loved me longer.

Well now. There is something that I really must wright about. People don't even think twice sometimes about the way they think. The way they see things. People, or maybe it was just me in utter ignorance, only see things the way they see it and don't like to look at anything the other way.I met someone in the past year who opened my eyes. Who changed who I am. Before we go that far back though I'll go back to December only, somewhere in the first half. I was having a pleasant conversation with Ryan. How dear he is to me. Sorry my thoughts wander.
Yes I was talking with Ryan and I forget how this came about...
But I talked to him and I told him.
Because it's true.
Ryan has changed my life in a way that can never be reversed. The things he's said to me, or the unexpected actions he's taken are so unlike to what I had been used to. The way I thought was so different back then, so narrow. All the things he's said to me had always made me think. In doing that he changed who I am. He's changed the way I think, the way I see things, partially a bit in the way I act. Not majorly in the way I act mind you, I will always be me. But he has changed my mind and my view. Taking a quote from Mr. Waldram. He took off my glasses.
I see the world differently thanks to him. Now I know I've become a different person on the inside. I can't say if it's for the better, or for the worse, or in line with what I used to be. I should think I've changed for the better.
He told me that meant more to him then well... You can fill in the blank.

Sometimes in life we ignore these changes in who we are. Sometimes we have those moments. Those moments where suddenly we just understand and we see. Our eyes become open.
It's those trivial things that are important.

If You Had Known What's Happening Now...

A good friend of mine asked me the other day...

If you had known what was going to happen to us, while we were on our first date, would you still have dated me?

I had never thought about this question before so I answered...

To tell you the truth I really don't know.

So then we just keep going along on our way to school, then I decide to ask...

What about you?

Then he tells me...

Yes. You were once essential to my life. Once.

Now at this statement I was quite shocked. To be essential to someone in their life. To be needed? I've never heard someone say that to me before. Perhaps someone to say I've made their life better, or that I have somehow made some difference in their life, but to be truly NEEDED?
So then the rest of the day my mind dwelled on that question, and well, I dwell on it now. He asked me this question wednesday morning mind you, so I have been thinking on it for several days now.
Are essential and needed the same thing though?
And how do you lose the need for someone? Do you avoid it, and fight that need until it simply disappears? Do I need the people in my life now? I have friends who I would go crazy without...without my parents... could I survive? yes. Will I be the person I am now? Maybe not... My sister? Has she made an impact that's necessary?

Why am I thinking of impact now, when I was talking about necessity? Do I need my darling dearest in my life? Does he need me? Did I need the person who asked me this question when he needed me? Even more importantly. Do I need him in the past, to be who I am in the present?
This particular person changed me I know that much.
Maybe everyone comes into your life and makes a difference. They all change you in some way right?
Maybe we need everyone in our lives in the past or we wouldn't be who we are now, but we didn't need them then?
Time is continuous afterall.
Dwell on these thoughts.
Dwell on the orange.
Peel the orange.
Take a slice.
Peel off the covering of that.
Pick apart all the little droplets.
Think about the orange.
And tell me what you find.

You may now continue living your regular lives.

I never...

...told him that i loved him
Or showed him that i cared
I never ever held him close
I never would have dared...
I never hugged him out of joy
Or even out of sorrow
I never ever would have thought
I wouldn't see him tomorrow
I never held his hand in mine
Or had mine in his...
I never ever would have thought
I'd never get that kiss
I never thought he'd leave me
Or that he'd make me cry
I never ever believed that
I could be so ever shy
I never sat in that tree with him again
Or walked on down that lane
I never ever thought we wouldn't havve the chance
I am a stranger to this pain
I never thought that i would smile
Or laugh in those final moments
I never ever dreamed
I would miss those moments spent...
I never thought my dearest friend
Or my love as you could call him
I never ever gave such notice
I never let it cross my mind...
That my dearest friend
who watched me so silently
That my very dearest love...
That he'd so soon leave me


I'm never going to get over Masaya... I'm going to stop writing about it maybe, and talking about him as much... but... It's so hard to find friends like Masaya Chihara ♥ to find someone who can annoy me so much, yet i can so easily fall in love with.

Every Kiss, Every Moment, Each and Every Glance

Smiling at each other...
shyly from across the room.
the first time that their eyes meet
and they look away quickly with a bashful smile
and rosy red cheeks
the first time their hands touch
just a moments stroke
but the beginning of a lifetime's many moments
the first time they speak to each other
two voices harmoniously joining
laughing with each other like bells
the first time their lips touch
an awkward moment for the both
but a smile from ear to ear
on both of their faces
when they finally part.
anger. frustration. sadness.
now all the author has to do is write the ending.
or can the charachters write this ending themselves?

Someday

i don't want the world to see who i really am... I don't want them to see the girl who cries herself to sleep at night... the one who cries over things hidden deep and pushed far to the back of her heart... I don't want them to know who i really am, what i really feel, what i really do think about... The world could never understand who i really am though... i wish i had someone who knew the real me. who knew what i really am. who i am after peeling away all the layers of lies. i want someoone to know who i am, and to love me as the vulnerable little child i really am
It hurts to think that other people can't understand though... But I am a strong independent young lady. I was raised with manners, and to be polilte, but because I live in the modern day, i am also strong. Everyone is afraid to let the world see who they really are, who they are when no one is looking. I want someone to see who I am when no one is looking, I want to be able to be the real paulina. Paulina who thinks differently then everyone else.
One day I will do amazing things, and the people who never understood me will wonder how I did it.
Truthfully, I will wonder as well.

My Perfect

I always thought i'd be ordinary
i never thought i'd be extraordinary
you make me feel as if i could fly
though night after night still i'd cry
then you kept telling me i was beautiful
making me feel more and more wonderful
still though i didn't believe in myself
shoved my heart to the back of that shelf
then you told me i was strong
that i have been all along
still in the back of my own little mind
courage was something that i couldn't find
and still you kept saying how smart i was
i'd laugh and show off and make all this fuss
but somehow i kept saying i knew
that if i was really smart i'd see things through
the most outrageous one was perfection
calling me perfect as if it were some common infection
the funny part is... at this point i started to give in
i'm just telling you now that you're about to win
I'm not beautiful, strong or perfect
sometimes i feel as if i had some defect
but you... you make me feel
as if all those things about me were real.
when i'm with you i feel beautiful
whispering in my ear that i'm wonderful
when i'm with you i feel strong
because i know that you've been there all along
when i'm with you i know i'm smart
because i chose to give you my heart
when i'm with you, it may not be everyone's perfect
but you know what?
it's mine.

My Purpose

i know i'm sourrounded by those i love
i am after all
the child of my parents
it's those people that i continue to live for
it's the love for them that keeps me
from flying from a cliff
even if depression
and melancholy sourrounds me
still i continue to smile
it's because of people like you
those who are there
who don't leave me or break my heart
there are few i loveand many who love me
but still few loves beats the many
because tis not quantity
but quality as they say
of the people who love me
and gladly enough
you are part of the few
so smile for me and i will smile for you

That Cursed Broken Heart

Question:
My insides are breaking...Then why am i waiting??
Torn between to lives of love
One you love
yet also hate.
It loves you... or so it says.
But is it you,or is it your shoe?
The other cannot be described,
but has not yet been perscribed.
Someone said a broken heart...
would sting at first,
then make you stronger.
why does the pain then remain??
Are we cursed to learn from a constant reminder?
or does it finally leave...and make us stronger?

My poem and reply:
listen my friend and listen well
for my tale is sad to tell
you fall in love, the world is right
but then you lose all sense and sight
your heart is shattered the pain is there
and you feel as if no one else cares
you thought you loved them,
but your world is gone
the things you do, really aren't fun
the pain remains, it may subside
but don't take it as reason to hide
it lives on in our memory, and everything we do
could make it come alive, i feel it to
i remember the way he used to stroke my hair
acting as if he really cared.
even if the memory lingers still...
and screams in our ears so loud and shrill.
we grow stronger with each passing day
as we move on our friends still stay
they stay to comfort us, and help us go strong
soon it won't be very long
until even if the memory is there
soon you won't even care
ofcourse it will hurt, daggers through your heart
but take it as a reason for a new start
because even if it never leaves, and seems to torture us so
this memory, this experience makes us want to go...
out into the world to experience new things.
making us stronger for what the world will bring