04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

The Hundreth Post Which Just Like The Others Is About Life and Love

Dear... How do i start with dear in these sort of things?
     What's more appropriate? Hey? What's up? -Nick? Yes, that one?
Nick,    
     I'm at a loss for words and yet I write. My speech flows more when I write but I'm also much more uncensored. So please, bear with me?
     I've never been good with the English language. I speak before I think, just trusting the immediate meaning of a word rather than it's connotations. I'm self centered, think way too often about myself instead of seeing what I do to those around me. In retrospect do I realize what I've done what I do. Many times I make the same mistake again before I finally learn.
     I just thought about this, but sorry if this is hard to read.      
     I'm still a child. I make mistakes and I try my best to learn from them, but I don't. I'm a far cry from the young woman I want to be. I'm anxious all the time. I choose to expect the worst because I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up. I'm afraid of the world failing me and life pushing me down. I've learned to expect the least, to be happy with what I have. I know I don't deserve to have the things I do. I don't deserve to be happy, and yet I am. I push away those who love me, and don't let them get close to me. that way when they leave me I won't miss them as much. I think, feel, and believe such desolate things, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it all. There is that hopeful part of me, though it doesn't seem to come out in private too often. I dwell in the past, afraid it will dictate my future. When I see a similarity suddenly I worry that I'm going down the same path. I either worry continuously until I've forgotten about it, or I fight too hard against it, instead of seeing what will be I only see what was.
    I have flaws. I make mistakes, and I'm only human. I'm sorry. Sorry that I've caused you pain. I'm sorry that I've hurt someone who means so much to me. I'm sorry I looked at the darker side of things. I'm so happy around you that none of it could possibly be real. Something had to be wrong and i had to find it.     
     I'm sorry i brought up my ex's all the time, they meant a lot to me, but they're the past (you are were are were) You're my present. I didn't see what was in front of me because I was too focused on what was behind me rather then treating you like my boyfriend I still tried to act like you were my best friend. I wasn't careful about what I said, I should have changed, been more willing to move forward but I didn't. I'm sorry for drifting out of reality. For not smiling every time I saw you or letting you know how much i love you each and every moment I'm sorry for not appreciating all the little things you've done for me over the years. even the big things like being my shoulder to cry on, and my friend. for loving me. 
     There's still so much to learn and understand about each other. There are so many sides to you, and I should put in the effort to figure it out.
     This isn't as important, but I'm soo sorry about your glasses! I really didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
     I should probably explain what the random puzzle pieces are. they were supposed to be a scavenger hunt for our 3 month anniversary. Start with an empty jar and a clue which led you to a puzzle piece, then another and so on and so forth. The gift was meant for you, so here, and happy new year. They were supposed to be in different places that (are) were important to us from freshman year on
     If I ever appeared to be trying to change you, then I'm sorry. I love you just the way you are. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. you mean so much to me, and I love you. I don't know any other way to say it.     
     Well I suppose this is my final plea. for now I can't think of much else save for I wasn't trying to play games, toy with emotions. This is what I'm thinking. I want the chance to talk to you face to face and talk about this    

Love, Sincerely? Both? how do you end this sort of letter... thing?
Paulina

I want to work things out. I need to work out my issues and I'm asking you to bear with me. you promised you'd never forget that I loved you no matter what. Please don't break that promise.



I'm sorry. I know you don't even know about this blog, and you'll get the original handwritten version but I'm so sorry. I love you. I want to be around you. I want to have you in my life. You've made me stronger. And I hope to God I didn't do the opposite for you. Thank you for that.

What’s the best choice?

That, is the question that everyone answers at every point in time. Some choices are no-brainers and you don’t even realize that you’re making them. Others, take much more thought. I made a choice to start writing right now instead of continuing to study for my Government test (and quiz) on Wednesday. I ended up choosing a topic to start writing about. I am still trying to choose whether or not i am going to eat ice cream before I go to bed and whether or not I am going to do the math homework I was assigned today. I am thinking yes on ice cream and no on homework, but that’s just me. The homework probably won’t even be collected tomorrow, so I am not going to stress about it, I am tired. So tired. I have gotten to that point where I am just typing and I am no longer actually thinking about what I am putting down on this paper. If it can be called paper…

There are some choices that are much harder than others. The choice of whether or not to tell someone what you think about them is an incredibly tough choice. Is it worth it? What if the other person does not reciprocate? Then what? Did you just make a good friendship awkward for nothing? In Economics, a decision is made by weighing the costs and the benefits. What if you don’t know the costs, and you don’t know the benefits? So many things can happen by just that one statement that there is absolutely no way that you can know what is going to happen if you just utter those words. If the feelings are mutual, sure it was worth it, but if they aren’t, then, in turn, it’s not worth it. So, at what point can you decide whether or not the benefit is worth the cost.

Well, these are the options for most people. For me, I have only one option. I won’t say anything. I don’t believe that it’s worth it. And, not being worth it, there is no point in me even going through this whole though process, yet, I do it anyway. That’s alright, at least I can say I thought about the option, I just don’t see it as an actual option for me. But, oh well. What can I do about that?

She tells me I am holding myself back…

… and she is probably right. When it comes to these things she usually is. But she also tells me that she thinks you like me, and I can’t be sure about that. Not yet anyway. Yes, she knows me very well, and she tells me that I should have told you. That I should have just told you that night; I should have told you that I like you. I don’t think I can even do something like that. I am not sure that I want to know what you think of that idea. It’s a scary thought. I think about you a lot, about everything that’s happened, and I want to agree with her, but I don’t want to think things that may not be true. The only thing I can say is what if it isn’t true? When I tell her this, I know that she is thinking that it’s things like this where I get in my own way of something happening. But why should I have to take the first step? If you actually like me, why can’t you do it? In reality, I almost just want to stop thinking about you. I don’t know why I get so scared when I am thinking about things like this, but it does scare me. This is a step in my life that I haven’t had to consider yet, but she makes me think about it, and consider it, and even though I want it, I think I am scared. Well, I guess she is probably right and it’s more nerves than anything, I am not sure it makes it any better. So yes, it’s better to just stop thinking because there is no point in just hoping for things that probably won’t happen.

You told me to just hope for the best, but you don’t know that it’s you. If you knew, then you probably wouldn’t be saying that. You would tell me that I should get over it, and that’s okay because that’s what I need to do. I want to think all sorts of things, but I do my best to stop myself because things just don’t happen for me. I think it may be too soon anyway for me to know if I actually really like you, so in my opinion, it’s just better for me to give it time. She tells me that if I were just able to do what I needed to do, something could have happened already and I wouldn’t still be thinking these things. But I doubt myself too much. What makes me think that I will find someone that I like that likes me too? Sure I am young, but why should I think that this prospect of my life is going to go anywhere? Why should I be able to find that somebody that everyone always wants to find? And it’s thoughts like this that make her say things like this to me…

(Oh wow they never play this song on the radio, but of course they are playing it now: Somebody by Reba McEntire – and I can’t help singing along)

I shouldn’t be doing this

I really shouldn’t. I should be working on homework and not typing this right now. But, I don’t want to work on homework stuff. There are so many things going on right now that I just can’t concentrate on anything. I am talking to you right now, only I guess, it’s a different you. I have talked about someone I refer to as “you” but I can’t think about him right now. I did my best not to think about him before anyway. It’s not the smart thing to do. So, after what’s happened I did my best to just not think about it and it’s alright. I first started talking about you to people a few weeks ago. I didn’t know exactly what it was that made me so interested in you. I wanted to be able to get to know you some. You are different, interesting, and I think that it’s really cool. I shouldn’t be thinking about you. I should be focused on schoolwork because I need to finish this thing, but while I am talking to you, I can’t help but thinking about you. It’s difficult for me to concentrate and even though I have everything that I need and I just need to be able to copy it onto the powerpoint, I am having issues just doing that. It involves too much thinking. Still, I am trying. I am trying very hard to be able to accomplish this and just finish the stupid homework.

It’s teenage life really. I think it’s all stupid. You are living in it knowing that when you grow up that it’s not going to mean anything to anyone anymore, but all of the little things, all the stupid teenage things still have your attention, because it still feels like it does matter. For now, it will, and although in the future, it will have no relevance to your life, it will still be a memory, and I guess since we are supposed to be living the for the present anyway, why not care about what’s going on. Well, right now, I am writing about whatever first pops in up in my head, but in reality, I am not even sure that it makes sense because I am tired. And of course, I can only think about you right now, which would be hard not to do, because I am talking to you. Even still, I shouldn’t be thinking about you. Stupid teenage things.

Xavier

Dear X,

I don’t know how to tell you what I am trying to say. Heck, I don’t even know what I am trying to say. You know, you tell me that it’s not just me, but how do I know you aren’t just saying that to make me feel better? Yes, I second-guess and over think everything. I wonder these things most likely because I don’t believe something like this can happen to me. Then again, thinking about it, I guess even if it was both of us, it can’t. You are out wherever you are and I am here, wherever that is. I try to imagine what it will be like to see you again, but I can’t. When we talk you seem so sure about everything, that it will all be fine, but I don’t feel quite as confident. I worry. I don’t even know what I worry about, but I worry. Looking back on what I wrote, I think I convey a sad tone, but I am not sad. Just confused; then again, what in life isn’t confusing? I am not sure if you will read this, and maybe that’s why I put it on here, but if you do, don’t feel obligated to say anything to me about it. At least you will have read it. I think that I put this here because I am not sure I want to say any of this to you, but if I did, I wouldn’t want it to be at a time where it may seem that I am expecting you to say something, because I don’t. For lack of anything else to say, I guess I will end here.

Nichole :)

P.S. Again re-reading this, I realize that things I say can be understood the wrong way. I mean nothing bad, and I can’t wait to see you again. :)

P.S.S. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me at times when we aren't talking, but I don't want to ask you. ;)

P.S.S. I almost hope that you don't read this. It is probably better for the both of us if you end up not reading it.

Falling In Love With You My Summer Sunshine

I'm falling in love with you. I'm never going to stop falling in love with you. I fall more and more each day, and I keep wondering if it will ever stop, and always hoping it doesn't. Despite it all, all the changes, all of the new and amazing things that are happening to the two of us. Chasing each other like the sun chases the moon, and the moon chases the sun across the sky. I have secrets to why I live, to why I thrive. Everyone does, they have to in order to survive in this world.
The heat of summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else in the heat of summer sunshine. I'll kiss you. Over and over and over again. Despite it all, we've made it through so much, how? How come I feel do desolate and alone, then you happen to call me in that moment?
I am making a gift for you. It is interwoven with my tears, my laughter, my thoughts and emotions. I wonder if you can see where the emotions change? Where everything is gnarled and tangled, compared to where things are smooth and wonderful. Like the words that I write, both known and kept in my head, or kept safe in a cardboard box under my bed, this gift has so many different parts. Just like our relationship has had it's ups and downs. You and I can work through anything together. Now is a happy time for you. Now is the hardest time in my life so far. There will be harder times. But now I have you by my side to help me through it all.
I miss you.

So It's Just Right

So today again I had another fantasy. Riding away and perhaps he'd follow. No of course not, now why would that happen? So no fairy tale story for me. I think that I am totally okay with that. No, rather I know that I am absolutely totally okay with that.
Today I ditched school. Nothing too treacherous, especially since honestly nothing really happened in my classes.
I spent the day with Ryan. The day before his graduation. Yay. Graduation. My man is becoming an adult. I'm getting ready for my courses at IVC. Somehow, for some reason, today was so right. I left Ryan's place early, his mom was coming home, and then I went to Maki Yaki. I had one serving of California rolls, with my side of sumi salad. Water was good. It was all good and delicious. Now I'm watching Hoodwinked, which is just an awesome movie. It brings so much reality into a fairy tale, and it's STILL a fairy tale. I adore it.
I spent a lot of time with him today. I can smell him on my skin.
Tomorrow they all graduate. Tomorrow he leaves for a couple weeks. Today he packs. Today he and I were together one more time. One last time for a long time. Last night we talked on the phone. Last night I cried and he was cold. Last night for once we worked a problem out together.
Right now I'm thinking of the things I have left to do, and I'm looking at all the things around me. No matter how odd today may have been, it was so right.
On top of all that I played Tomorrow from Annie on the piano as well as the one song that's all, "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." Oh yeah. Somewhere Over The Rainbow...
I took that video there just last week. Look at how blissfully happy we are. Were. I'm sure we'll still be wonderfully happy. I took that video to preserve a memory, when I started taking it I had initially just wanted a recording of his smile, and that's just what I got. Isn't he just the best?
I think he is so THERE.

The im-Perfect Partner

I was mentally insane enough to choose a partner who I knew would have problems with my craving for perfection. A partner who I knew would have trouble keeping up, and who if he reached the par of my preference would be a miracle. A partner who I've never seen "in action". A partner who I know I conflict with at times, and one who I would take the chance at being highly disappointed in.



I am mentally sane enough though to choose a partner who I know will accept my perfection hunger, and try to satiate me as much as possible. A partner who would run miles for me literally, as well as try and make miracles happen. A partner who will work hard and do the best he can. A partner who I know I can work problems out with, and one who I am very proud of.



Why didn't I choose someone more stable? Someone who I know I would be able to win with. Who would exceed my expectations, and someone where I would become the one with the need to sprint just to keep up? Why didn't I push myself?



I am pushing myself. I'm forcing myself to pull someone else up. Instead of hooking myself to someone moving faster than me, ignoring everyone else who I leave behind, I'm pulling someone up. I complain all the time, about how much I feel like I'm doing, and how little my partner is doing. But he is my partner, and I only ask for his best. My partner's best is all I ask for. I know that is what he will give me.

I admit that the entire situation frustrates me yes. This is a good experience for me though. I know that together we can win. Together we can do anything at all. We could touch the stars I know we can! Because together we can do anything... Together... It's magic.

How else do you explain it? How else do you explain the fact we're still on good terms despite it all? Not just good terms, amazing terms. Wonderful terms! We could never be closer. I've never been closer to any other partner. I've never felt so close. Despite allt he differences, the conflicts, the misunderstandings, and miscommunications. Look at where we we are now?

We didn't win. We didn't lose either. He is my partner. In more ways then one. He is one of the most amazing ones that I have ever had.

Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.

Haha... what is love?



Love hurts. It's cold. It's the most painful thing to ever experience. It's full of betrayals, pains. Believe it or not Love is also full of hate. Love has made me cry more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me cry at night. Love is what has made me hate waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like swords piercing through me over and over. Love makes me feel cold and alone sometimes. Love is what shuts me inside, and makes me hide underneath layers and layers of masks. Love is what makes me stare blankly at a wall sometimes, or makes me stand out in the cold rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of suicide. Love is what has made me push others away.

Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.



But Love...Love heals. It's warm. It's the most amazing thing to ever experience. It's full of care,feeling. Believe it or not Love is also indescribable. Love has made me smile more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me smile at night. Love is what has made me love waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like a warm blanket that just envelopes me over and over. Love makes me feel warm and supported. Love is what opens me up, and helps me to expose who I am to others. Love is what makes me interact, or makes me dance in the rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of the future. Love is what has made me bring others closer.



I may be young. I may seem enexperienced. But I know I have loved. In many different ways. I no longer try to define love. I no longer try to understand love. I can only try and describe Love. I could never describe love in general though. You'd have to ask about a certain person.

It's like history. History doesn't repeat itself. The Idea's repeat. Similar to the idea of Love. History's details will never repeat ever again. I know this sounds odd, to compare an emotion so complex and so devestating to something so... well. Odd. As History.



It drives you crazy right?



Love is so many different things. Painful and wonderful all in one. At church once during the homily the priest was talking about love. Relationships. In relationships it's balance as well. You have to understand that you have to sacrifice if you expect to gain anything, if you truly want a loving relationship. If you really love someone wouldn't you want to give them the world anyway? Even if it meant a little bit of pain to yourself'? I understand there are lines that must be drawn, but I will open my life a bit to give an example to you.

My family is close to losing our home. Two thirds of our income relies on my father selling cars. Worst of all he sells high class luxury cars. You would think that he makes a lot of money? No. Not with a failing economy that the United States is experiencing now. The other third of our income, my mother, all goes straight to maintaining the house, buying food, and supporting my Grandmother and older brother in the Phillipines. We're... Several thousand dollars in debt with family, so in that way atleast we don't have to pay back interest. We barely make our house payments now. And yet... My father pays maybe two thousand dollars in fees, among other nescessities for what I do just so that I can have experience. So that I can reach my maximum potential. That is love. That is sacrifice. There are greater stories out there that I can tell you.
Greater things that have occured.
When people first think of Love they think of a couple holding hands. Or somethign somewhat related.
When I first think of love... Oddly enough. I think of my parents arguing. That's another story for another day though.

What is love?

You guessed it. I'm Nichole. Mei's best friend. Like her, i didn't realize what she could mean to me. She was never a major proirity to me when we were younger. Now... now, i would be so lost and lonely without her that I wouldn't know what to do. I would also admit that I would get jealous if she found another best friend that could replace me. Her and I make a wierd friendship. We are so different, yet think so alike. We can read and know each other's thoughts on a subject without hearing the other say anything. We aren't afraid to tell each other anything, and we accept each other for the person they are and no one else. Anyone who knows us would not think that we are as close as we are, but put us together, and well, we're nearly inseperable (unless her boyfriend's there).

What is love? Is it a feeling, or is it much more? Is it a fire? Or a want? Or a burning passion? Why is it that there are no words for such things? I have felt something of love once, and I know, that no words can explain the feeling, the rush of burning desire. Love is almost like happiness. Not just laughing and having fun, but pure happiness. The kind that starts as a feeling in your chest and expands until it fills your whole body. A feeling that can't just be overcome with simple will. Is love a different feeling for every person? Or is it just that each person has there own way of describing the feeling? How many types of love are there really? Or is it just that you love others at different degrees? Why is it that love cannot be controlled? You cannot stop loving a person like you stop loving a color. When you love somebody, truly love somebody, you cannot control it, you cannot stop it just like that. Why is it that you find it when you least expect it, or don't want it at all? Why can it not be controlled? Do people love so they can be hurt? If you don't love something or someone, your heart will not be broken so easily. Why do people have to love something? Love seems that it leads to hurt more than it leads to a happily ever after. The more you love, the more you're looking to get hurt, and feel a pain, and not one that a band-aid can heal. It's something that takes much more time, a wound so deep it cuts right through your heart and out the other side. It can make you feel helpless and alone, but people tend to forget about such things when they think about love. They only think about happiness, not about the great sadness and pain lurking just around the corner. Why would they? Isn't just so much better to be thinking about love making you happy at the moment, instead of the possibility of love hurting you in the future? When people get together with someone, they don't stop and think, "I know that this isn't going to be forever." Everytime people get together, they tell each other that it will be forever, they promise it even. How often does it actually happen? That people stay together forever. In this world, maybe two in a million. Maybe less. People never stop to think about these things when they get together with somebody. They only think about their feeling that it WILL last forever, and that this is the person that they are meant to be with. Yet, they have the same feeling, and the same thoughts in every relationship. People seem to believe that every time they love, they will get their happily ever after. This is the person they were meant to be with and now they will get their fairy tale ending. Yet, we all know that fairy tale endings don't exist. Though a person may find the very person that they've needed their whole life, they're not going to all of a sudden end up with a perfect life. Perhaps the reason that people believe that they will have a fairy tale ending is because they just need something to believe in. Maybe it's because they're tired of their life and they need to believe that someday, it will all go away, and they will be able to live the perfect life they always wanted. Those are the people that need a reason to get up out of bed everyday. Perhaps they need a reason to keep on going on, to keep living their life, and to not give up on everything. Why is it that people build themselves up for a let down when they finally discover that the chances of them ever finding the perfect person it pretty slim, and the chances of having a fairy tale ending are even slimmer. They continue to believe, as they continue to believe in true love. Is either real? I wouldn't know, but I am sure that we'll all find out someday.

That being said, what exactly IS love?

Sweet Nothings : The things that don't seem like much, but they really are

So we all know that there are those small things that people do in relationships. The things that seem like they're nothing at all, when really they mean so much. They're sweet and adorable. They're sweet nothings. The things that might be seen as insignificant, but truly they could mean the world to some people. As we all know on myspace((whoot myspace!)) there are many bulletins. Some sweet, some stupid. Now, let us go to a sweet one. Shall we? One specifically with sweet nothings. Of course, this blog wouldn't be my own instead of some random posting if I didn't include my thoughts now would it? So you shall find my thoughts interlaced through these sweet nothings, and feel free to add your own if you wish!

When she stare​s at your mouth​
[ Kiss her ]
What I'd like to know darling, is what girl truly stares at a boys mouth? I admit I glance once in a while, but I never stare! If the one I loved did catch me glancing though, then just cupped my chin in his hands, and then simply kissed me gently, then pulled away, looked in my eyes and smiled. That right there would be sweet.

When she pushe​s you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she think​s shes stron​ger than you
[ Grab her and dont let go ]
It's true. Even if she fights. Never let her go. She adores you and she loves you to pieces. She just loves teasing you. Fighting with someone is an excuse for skin to brush. Then when you hold her... She feels like the world is melting away.

When she start​s cursi​ng at you tryin​ to act all tuff
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
She just might give you a goofy smile then melt in your arms...

When she'​​​​​​s quiet​
[ Ask her whats​ wrong​ ]
Even if she says nothing, you should know her well enough that something is wrong. It'll depend on her, and the situation she's in if you should leave her alone or persist. It's a judgement call from that point. But simply that you asked (perhaps even twice?) will show her that you care.

When she ignor​es you
[ Give her your atten​tion ]
DO NOT. I REPEAT DO NOT draw attention to yourself. She just might be trying to see if you'll get her to notice you. It's adorable when boys try to get our attention and pretend they're not doing anything at all...

When she pulls​ away
[ Pull her back ]
AND AGAIN! never. let. go. You're holding one of the most precious gems in the world. Never let go.

When you see her at her worst
​[ Tell her she'​​​​​​s beaut​iful ]
She should be beautiful to you no matter what.

When you see her start​ cryin​g
[​​​​​​Just hold her and dont say a word ]
Sometimes you don't need words at all. She just wants to know your there. Do you notice a recurring theme? Hold her. Hold her close.

When you see her walki​ng
[ Sneak​ up and hug her waist​ from behin​d ]
She'll laugh, squeal and try and push you away (refer to above not about being pushed away!!!)

When she'​​​​​​s scare​d
[ Prote​ct her ]
Be her knight in shining armour. Even if you don't think you are.

When she steal​s your favor​ite hat
[ Let her keep it and sleep​ with it for a night​ ]
Make some effort to get it back though. It's a cute little game of cat and mouse...

When she tease​s you
[ Tease​ her back and make her laugh​ ]
Every girl loves it if you make her laugh. It's proof that you make her happy. And yes. You WANT her to be HAPPY!

When she doesn​'​​​​​​t answe​r for a long time
[ reass​ure her that every​thing​ is okay ]
Because that's what she's thinking. 'Oh dear what's wrong?!'

When she looks​ at you with doubt
​[ Back yours​elf up ]
You want to be her knight in shining armour. You appear to be perfect to her!

When she says that she likes​ you
[SHE REALL​Y DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD​ UNDER​STAND​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​]​​​​​​
Because girls crave being around people. And if there's someone special they crave being around someone special.

When she grabs​ at your hands
​[ Hold her'​​​​​​s and play with her finge​rs ]
She'll LOVE IT

When she bumps​ into you.
[ bump into her back and make her laugh​ ]
Again. Make. Her. Laugh!

When she tells​ you a secre​t
[ keep it safe and untol​d ]
She has to know she trusts you!

When she looks​ at you in your eyes
[ dont look away until​ she does ]
Wouldn't you want to stare into them forever anyway?

When she says it's over
[ she still​ wants​ you to be hers ]
Unless you really hurt her. Then she really means it.

When she repos​ts this bulle​tin[ she wants​ you to read it ]
Because she actually wants you to remember these things, and do THEM!

- Stay on the phone​ with her even if she'​​​​​​s not sayin​g anyth​ing.​​​​
She'll just be happy listening to you.

- When she'​​​​​​s mad hug her tight​ and don'​​​​​​t let go
Again under the category of. HOLD HER

- When she says she'​​​​​​s ok dont belie​ve it, talk with her
Find out what's really up. She'll love you.

- becau​se 10 yrs later​ she'​​​​​​ll remem​ber you
As somethign positive too!

- Call her at 12:​​​​​​00am on her birth​day to tell her you love her
Be the first person to talk to her on her birthday, she'll adore you.

- Treat​ her like she'​​​​​​s all that matte​rs to you.
Or at least one of the more important things...

- Stay up all night​ with her when she'​​​​​​s sick.
No matter how yucky she may get, she'll adore you for it!

​​​​- Watch​ her favor​ite movie​ with her or her favor​ite show even if you think​ it's stupi​d.​​​​
It's an excuse to spend time with her!

- Give her the world​.​​​​
Or at least somewhat close to it! -wink-

- Let her wear your cloth​es.
It means she loves the way you smell...

​​​​- When she'​​​​​​s bored​ and sad, hang out with her.
It'll make her feel a lot better

- Let her know she'​​​​​​s impor​tant.​​​​
She wants to be important. to YOU.

- Kiss her in the pouri​ng rain.
Plain and simple. It's sexy.

​​​​- When she runs up to you cryin​g,​​​​​​ the first​ thing​ you say is;"​​​​​​Whose​ ass am I kicki​ng baby?​​​​​​"​​​​​​
Then proceed to do something ABOUT IT!



Small things that let her know you love her. You know like that disney song. "How does she know that you love her?" You have got to let her know. Sometimes just saying it isn't enough. It's easy to lie. You have to prove it.

Someday

i don't want the world to see who i really am... I don't want them to see the girl who cries herself to sleep at night... the one who cries over things hidden deep and pushed far to the back of her heart... I don't want them to know who i really am, what i really feel, what i really do think about... The world could never understand who i really am though... i wish i had someone who knew the real me. who knew what i really am. who i am after peeling away all the layers of lies. i want someoone to know who i am, and to love me as the vulnerable little child i really am
It hurts to think that other people can't understand though... But I am a strong independent young lady. I was raised with manners, and to be polilte, but because I live in the modern day, i am also strong. Everyone is afraid to let the world see who they really are, who they are when no one is looking. I want someone to see who I am when no one is looking, I want to be able to be the real paulina. Paulina who thinks differently then everyone else.
One day I will do amazing things, and the people who never understood me will wonder how I did it.
Truthfully, I will wonder as well.

My Perfect

I always thought i'd be ordinary
i never thought i'd be extraordinary
you make me feel as if i could fly
though night after night still i'd cry
then you kept telling me i was beautiful
making me feel more and more wonderful
still though i didn't believe in myself
shoved my heart to the back of that shelf
then you told me i was strong
that i have been all along
still in the back of my own little mind
courage was something that i couldn't find
and still you kept saying how smart i was
i'd laugh and show off and make all this fuss
but somehow i kept saying i knew
that if i was really smart i'd see things through
the most outrageous one was perfection
calling me perfect as if it were some common infection
the funny part is... at this point i started to give in
i'm just telling you now that you're about to win
I'm not beautiful, strong or perfect
sometimes i feel as if i had some defect
but you... you make me feel
as if all those things about me were real.
when i'm with you i feel beautiful
whispering in my ear that i'm wonderful
when i'm with you i feel strong
because i know that you've been there all along
when i'm with you i know i'm smart
because i chose to give you my heart
when i'm with you, it may not be everyone's perfect
but you know what?
it's mine.

Heart Beats

A simple string
on an every day instrument
to me thought
it is more
it makes a sound
reverbrating through my body
it sounds different dependoing on who plays
it is a beautiful melody
a song that single note
it's so hard to explain
but... the notes i play
continue through my soul
they are my heart beats.

My Purpose

i know i'm sourrounded by those i love
i am after all
the child of my parents
it's those people that i continue to live for
it's the love for them that keeps me
from flying from a cliff
even if depression
and melancholy sourrounds me
still i continue to smile
it's because of people like you
those who are there
who don't leave me or break my heart
there are few i loveand many who love me
but still few loves beats the many
because tis not quantity
but quality as they say
of the people who love me
and gladly enough
you are part of the few
so smile for me and i will smile for you

That Cursed Broken Heart

Question:
My insides are breaking...Then why am i waiting??
Torn between to lives of love
One you love
yet also hate.
It loves you... or so it says.
But is it you,or is it your shoe?
The other cannot be described,
but has not yet been perscribed.
Someone said a broken heart...
would sting at first,
then make you stronger.
why does the pain then remain??
Are we cursed to learn from a constant reminder?
or does it finally leave...and make us stronger?

My poem and reply:
listen my friend and listen well
for my tale is sad to tell
you fall in love, the world is right
but then you lose all sense and sight
your heart is shattered the pain is there
and you feel as if no one else cares
you thought you loved them,
but your world is gone
the things you do, really aren't fun
the pain remains, it may subside
but don't take it as reason to hide
it lives on in our memory, and everything we do
could make it come alive, i feel it to
i remember the way he used to stroke my hair
acting as if he really cared.
even if the memory lingers still...
and screams in our ears so loud and shrill.
we grow stronger with each passing day
as we move on our friends still stay
they stay to comfort us, and help us go strong
soon it won't be very long
until even if the memory is there
soon you won't even care
ofcourse it will hurt, daggers through your heart
but take it as a reason for a new start
because even if it never leaves, and seems to torture us so
this memory, this experience makes us want to go...
out into the world to experience new things.
making us stronger for what the world will bring