04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

Will We Always Be This Broken?

I shouldn't have to censor my thoughts or words around my best friend. Because he is my boyfriend does that change things? Which (for lack of better diction) title takes precedence? Is he my best friend first and foremost? Or do I treat him as my boyfriend, watching what I do and say? If a combination of both what parts do I take from each?
Our first big fight and I've come to terms with it. I've forgiven him, but still I feel hurt and pain. Will I always feel this hurt? Will I remember this first fight for the rest of my life and feel the sting of past hurt? I'm afraid that he and I are too broken now. We are on the rocks, we're talking, saying our "I love you"s and exchanging kisses and holding hands and smiling as the world looks on us, but I feel the hurt still. I see it in his eyes and can feel it in how careful I am about what I say now. I don't want to be careful about what I say around him. He was supposed to be that person I could say everything to. Now I must be cautious? Now I must censor myself? Can I do that? Am I supposed to?

Will you and I get back to that pure sweet and untainted love that I knew for almost four years? Is that all lost now?

What’s the best choice?

That, is the question that everyone answers at every point in time. Some choices are no-brainers and you don’t even realize that you’re making them. Others, take much more thought. I made a choice to start writing right now instead of continuing to study for my Government test (and quiz) on Wednesday. I ended up choosing a topic to start writing about. I am still trying to choose whether or not i am going to eat ice cream before I go to bed and whether or not I am going to do the math homework I was assigned today. I am thinking yes on ice cream and no on homework, but that’s just me. The homework probably won’t even be collected tomorrow, so I am not going to stress about it, I am tired. So tired. I have gotten to that point where I am just typing and I am no longer actually thinking about what I am putting down on this paper. If it can be called paper…

There are some choices that are much harder than others. The choice of whether or not to tell someone what you think about them is an incredibly tough choice. Is it worth it? What if the other person does not reciprocate? Then what? Did you just make a good friendship awkward for nothing? In Economics, a decision is made by weighing the costs and the benefits. What if you don’t know the costs, and you don’t know the benefits? So many things can happen by just that one statement that there is absolutely no way that you can know what is going to happen if you just utter those words. If the feelings are mutual, sure it was worth it, but if they aren’t, then, in turn, it’s not worth it. So, at what point can you decide whether or not the benefit is worth the cost.

Well, these are the options for most people. For me, I have only one option. I won’t say anything. I don’t believe that it’s worth it. And, not being worth it, there is no point in me even going through this whole though process, yet, I do it anyway. That’s alright, at least I can say I thought about the option, I just don’t see it as an actual option for me. But, oh well. What can I do about that?

She tells me I am holding myself back…

… and she is probably right. When it comes to these things she usually is. But she also tells me that she thinks you like me, and I can’t be sure about that. Not yet anyway. Yes, she knows me very well, and she tells me that I should have told you. That I should have just told you that night; I should have told you that I like you. I don’t think I can even do something like that. I am not sure that I want to know what you think of that idea. It’s a scary thought. I think about you a lot, about everything that’s happened, and I want to agree with her, but I don’t want to think things that may not be true. The only thing I can say is what if it isn’t true? When I tell her this, I know that she is thinking that it’s things like this where I get in my own way of something happening. But why should I have to take the first step? If you actually like me, why can’t you do it? In reality, I almost just want to stop thinking about you. I don’t know why I get so scared when I am thinking about things like this, but it does scare me. This is a step in my life that I haven’t had to consider yet, but she makes me think about it, and consider it, and even though I want it, I think I am scared. Well, I guess she is probably right and it’s more nerves than anything, I am not sure it makes it any better. So yes, it’s better to just stop thinking because there is no point in just hoping for things that probably won’t happen.

You told me to just hope for the best, but you don’t know that it’s you. If you knew, then you probably wouldn’t be saying that. You would tell me that I should get over it, and that’s okay because that’s what I need to do. I want to think all sorts of things, but I do my best to stop myself because things just don’t happen for me. I think it may be too soon anyway for me to know if I actually really like you, so in my opinion, it’s just better for me to give it time. She tells me that if I were just able to do what I needed to do, something could have happened already and I wouldn’t still be thinking these things. But I doubt myself too much. What makes me think that I will find someone that I like that likes me too? Sure I am young, but why should I think that this prospect of my life is going to go anywhere? Why should I be able to find that somebody that everyone always wants to find? And it’s thoughts like this that make her say things like this to me…

(Oh wow they never play this song on the radio, but of course they are playing it now: Somebody by Reba McEntire – and I can’t help singing along)

Words

Words. No one knows exactly what they can do. Sometimes, they do nothing, they are just there, but sometimes, they can change a person's life.

The other day, I watched this show. There was a man, and his son (whose names I can't remember). The man's business was failing, and he blamed alot of people for his problems and the things that happened. One day he took his son, who was 15, to a cabin he owned in the woods. They talked, and after a while, he asked his son to go outside and gather firewood for him. As the son is coming back, he hears a shot, and when he finally figures out what it was, he finds his dad. His dad had committed suicide and left the son (who had no mom) all alone in the world. In his suicide note, he gave examples of people who just didn't care, who were unkind to him. He wrote that he was too cowardly to take his son with him, and finally, that no one cared.

But the son cared.

For the next few months, he killed everyone who he thought was responsible for his father's death. All of the people that were named in the letter were killed because they had to do their job. When the boy grew up, he had a lot of financial problems too, and began to blame others for his problems. When he was the same age his father was when he killed himself, he began killing again. He killed those people he blames, people who told him that "no one cares." In the end, he was ready to kill his wife, then himself.

Words. They can make a person's day, but they can ruin it too. They can change a person's life. They changed the life of that boy who didn't know what to do. The one thing he remembers about his father's note was that he wrote that no one cares. It hurt him to the core, because he cared about his father, and that death scarred him for life.

So, one thing that you can never forget: no matter how angry you get, how sad you feel, you can never carelessly throw words out there. Someone may remember those words for the rest of their life, and unless they're good words, you don't want to be responsible for the well-being of a person to be worse off than it could have been.

Be careful with words, they can be dangerous weapons, but they can also be the best medicine.

My Friend

This is taken directly from my thoughts. I wonder if you'll ever actually read it. Though the other things I have planned to write here haven't actually been written, I am determined that this one will.

Dear Best Friend,
Yes, you are still the best friend I ever had. I miss you. And I know deep down,you miss me too, even if you are too prideful to admit it. I have been on my first retreat without you, and I do not think I want to do it again, but I will if I must. My friend, you have let yourself be led away from God. You have alowed yourself to be led away from His path for you, doing thing that would not make Him happy. I know you say you are a good Catholic girl, but dear friend, you have begun to cease following Him. He has led us to each other, and we allowed His will to be undone. Sure, you may argue that you have lots of friends that you can count on and rely on and you don't need me, but, answer to yourself honestly, is the true connection there? Can they really supplement everything? If your answer is yes, consider the following:
Can they finish your sentences?
Know your thoughts?
Know when you're hurting, even if they don't say anything?
Make up the same song you are, at the same time?
Are they always honest with you?
Do they go to church with you?
Will/Can they sing and dance with you?
If they do, is their voice a perfect match with yours?
Will they trust you, even if they can't trust themselves?
Were they ever called your hip-attachment, or vice-versa?
If they walk into a room, does everyone ask where you are, or vice-versa?
Even if it happened, could the question be answered?
Would people confuse you, even if you look nothing alike (even someone like Kim Scott, yes, it happened at the retreat)?
Would they overdose on pixie-stix with you?
Sit in the same chair as you?
Sleep in the same bed?
Climb a tree with you?
Would they save you from a car, or save themselves first?
Can you tell them anything, and they won't freak out (I did my best)?
Do they know where those scars came from?
Would they have waited for you for so long, or would they have become prideful or 'over it' saying they don't need you?
Did they bring you Latin that neither of you know, yet somehow knew?
Would they judge you when you told them something, or keep an open mind?
My friend, you and I both know that the list can continue on forever, but we don't have the time. It would take too long. My only hope is that you understand and do the right thing. May God bless you, now and for always.
Your Best Friend (still),
Me (who else?)
P.S. I still pray for you every night
P.S.S. I have so much to tell you!

Everyone is supposed to be happy... right?

Well, that's what they say anyway. I never understood this. Maybe for everyone else, this works. Maybe they all get to be happy with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, but for some reason, this doesn't worki for me. People always seem to have this friend that they can talk to, whenever they want, someone or even a group of people that they can go and hang out with over the summer and weekends and breaks off of school. It is there for everybody. Everyone but me. People will only talk to me if I call them first, or if I bring up the fact that they were horrified that I spend every summer alone and promised to get me out of the house this year. But, I never do this. I won't remind them that I exist, that I am a person to, that they told me that we would hang out. This is hard for me.

It's like when realizing that my "friends" aren't really all there like they are for their other friends. Like realizing that your so-called best friend didn't really care when your friendship ended. When that happens, you realize that your entire friendship was a lie, and she doesn't care that everything is gone, that she doesn't care how much she hurt you, she doesn't care that everything she ever said, everything that she told you about your friendship together was a lie. Everything that you guys had said that you would do in the future, that it never will happen, and she knew that all along, and she doesn't care about what had been planned, she feels no loss in the loss of your friendship. She was done using you for the moment, and now she can go to her real friends. Maybe you try, you keep your mind open and when she comes to you, you tell her what she did wrong, yet she makes no effort to change anything. You look inside and see all of the pain that was inflicted, she had begun to fix your broken heart, and she took it rebroke it, and put it through a shredder, and she didn't take a second look at what she did to you.

Then you end up by yourself over the summer again. I know that I am going to spend the summer by myself, despite the people who promised to get me out of my house, where I am right now, by myself. Like always. I want desperately to be like everyone else. Maybe not in the sense that it seems though. I remember that one time, my friend said that she wished that she could be like me and fit in to so many groups of people. The thing that she didn't realize is that all those people may be friends, but they aren't FRIENDS. When ever they go places, I don't get invited with the group, because I don't fit in. She saw that I could go anywhere, but they are more like acquaintances, people who I can talk to, but that I don't hang out with. So, like every other summer of my life, I sit at home alone whole everyone else hangs out with friends and goes to the beach and has fun. Yet, for some reason, I miss people. I still want to talk to them, even though I know that this "friendship" isn't going to last (it never does for me), I want the company of people.

It's one of those things that you wish you could get used to; the hurt, the pain. I want desperately to get used to the pain of fake friendships, of the people who build up a lie, saying that they care about you, and that you'll always be friends, and that they won't leave you. Preparing and logging things for years from now is useless. I don't get to keep friends for that long. I am not that special. There is nothing special about me. Apparently, I don't have that thing that everyone else has that allows them to keep friends and keep people around them. All of this is going through my head all the time, but this is what I hide from people. I read books, and watch movies, and they feed into my fairy tale head, the one that says that I am going to live happily too. Then, every morning, a new wave of disappointment and hurt runs through me. I get reminded of all the empty promises and all of the fake friendships. Yet, for some reason, I let it continue. I continue to allow myself to trust people, to let myself get hurt, and every time, it just gets a little worse. It makes me hate myself.

You may say that people go through similar things all the time, and they all hurt to no end, and they are alone, and they hate themselves too. Well, those are the people that you usually see committing suicide. Taking their own lives. They have nothing else to live for. I refuse to do that. I refuse to take my own life, no matter the hurt. If anything, I will live for the everlasting life when I am dead. If anything, that is what I live for. That is the only thing that gets me up in the morning, and if not for that, I wouldn't be here anymore. I guess, I am thankful to have something in my life to look forward to, because it puts a dim light in a dark room. That's okay, because my room never lights up anyway, so the dim light saves me.

Every Kiss, Every Moment, Each and Every Glance

Smiling at each other...
shyly from across the room.
the first time that their eyes meet
and they look away quickly with a bashful smile
and rosy red cheeks
the first time their hands touch
just a moments stroke
but the beginning of a lifetime's many moments
the first time they speak to each other
two voices harmoniously joining
laughing with each other like bells
the first time their lips touch
an awkward moment for the both
but a smile from ear to ear
on both of their faces
when they finally part.
anger. frustration. sadness.
now all the author has to do is write the ending.
or can the charachters write this ending themselves?

Someday

i don't want the world to see who i really am... I don't want them to see the girl who cries herself to sleep at night... the one who cries over things hidden deep and pushed far to the back of her heart... I don't want them to know who i really am, what i really feel, what i really do think about... The world could never understand who i really am though... i wish i had someone who knew the real me. who knew what i really am. who i am after peeling away all the layers of lies. i want someoone to know who i am, and to love me as the vulnerable little child i really am
It hurts to think that other people can't understand though... But I am a strong independent young lady. I was raised with manners, and to be polilte, but because I live in the modern day, i am also strong. Everyone is afraid to let the world see who they really are, who they are when no one is looking. I want someone to see who I am when no one is looking, I want to be able to be the real paulina. Paulina who thinks differently then everyone else.
One day I will do amazing things, and the people who never understood me will wonder how I did it.
Truthfully, I will wonder as well.

My Perfect

I always thought i'd be ordinary
i never thought i'd be extraordinary
you make me feel as if i could fly
though night after night still i'd cry
then you kept telling me i was beautiful
making me feel more and more wonderful
still though i didn't believe in myself
shoved my heart to the back of that shelf
then you told me i was strong
that i have been all along
still in the back of my own little mind
courage was something that i couldn't find
and still you kept saying how smart i was
i'd laugh and show off and make all this fuss
but somehow i kept saying i knew
that if i was really smart i'd see things through
the most outrageous one was perfection
calling me perfect as if it were some common infection
the funny part is... at this point i started to give in
i'm just telling you now that you're about to win
I'm not beautiful, strong or perfect
sometimes i feel as if i had some defect
but you... you make me feel
as if all those things about me were real.
when i'm with you i feel beautiful
whispering in my ear that i'm wonderful
when i'm with you i feel strong
because i know that you've been there all along
when i'm with you i know i'm smart
because i chose to give you my heart
when i'm with you, it may not be everyone's perfect
but you know what?
it's mine.

My Purpose

i know i'm sourrounded by those i love
i am after all
the child of my parents
it's those people that i continue to live for
it's the love for them that keeps me
from flying from a cliff
even if depression
and melancholy sourrounds me
still i continue to smile
it's because of people like you
those who are there
who don't leave me or break my heart
there are few i loveand many who love me
but still few loves beats the many
because tis not quantity
but quality as they say
of the people who love me
and gladly enough
you are part of the few
so smile for me and i will smile for you

That Cursed Broken Heart

Question:
My insides are breaking...Then why am i waiting??
Torn between to lives of love
One you love
yet also hate.
It loves you... or so it says.
But is it you,or is it your shoe?
The other cannot be described,
but has not yet been perscribed.
Someone said a broken heart...
would sting at first,
then make you stronger.
why does the pain then remain??
Are we cursed to learn from a constant reminder?
or does it finally leave...and make us stronger?

My poem and reply:
listen my friend and listen well
for my tale is sad to tell
you fall in love, the world is right
but then you lose all sense and sight
your heart is shattered the pain is there
and you feel as if no one else cares
you thought you loved them,
but your world is gone
the things you do, really aren't fun
the pain remains, it may subside
but don't take it as reason to hide
it lives on in our memory, and everything we do
could make it come alive, i feel it to
i remember the way he used to stroke my hair
acting as if he really cared.
even if the memory lingers still...
and screams in our ears so loud and shrill.
we grow stronger with each passing day
as we move on our friends still stay
they stay to comfort us, and help us go strong
soon it won't be very long
until even if the memory is there
soon you won't even care
ofcourse it will hurt, daggers through your heart
but take it as a reason for a new start
because even if it never leaves, and seems to torture us so
this memory, this experience makes us want to go...
out into the world to experience new things.
making us stronger for what the world will bring