Well, that's what they say anyway. I never understood this. Maybe for everyone else, this works. Maybe they all get to be happy with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, but for some reason, this doesn't worki for me. People always seem to have this friend that they can talk to, whenever they want, someone or even a group of people that they can go and hang out with over the summer and weekends and breaks off of school. It is there for everybody. Everyone but me. People will only talk to me if I call them first, or if I bring up the fact that they were horrified that I spend every summer alone and promised to get me out of the house this year. But, I never do this. I won't remind them that I exist, that I am a person to, that they told me that we would hang out. This is hard for me.
It's like when realizing that my "friends" aren't really all there like they are for their other friends. Like realizing that your so-called best friend didn't really care when your friendship ended. When that happens, you realize that your entire friendship was a lie, and she doesn't care that everything is gone, that she doesn't care how much she hurt you, she doesn't care that everything she ever said, everything that she told you about your friendship together was a lie. Everything that you guys had said that you would do in the future, that it never will happen, and she knew that all along, and she doesn't care about what had been planned, she feels no loss in the loss of your friendship. She was done using you for the moment, and now she can go to her real friends. Maybe you try, you keep your mind open and when she comes to you, you tell her what she did wrong, yet she makes no effort to change anything. You look inside and see all of the pain that was inflicted, she had begun to fix your broken heart, and she took it rebroke it, and put it through a shredder, and she didn't take a second look at what she did to you.
Then you end up by yourself over the summer again. I know that I am going to spend the summer by myself, despite the people who promised to get me out of my house, where I am right now, by myself. Like always. I want desperately to be like everyone else. Maybe not in the sense that it seems though. I remember that one time, my friend said that she wished that she could be like me and fit in to so many groups of people. The thing that she didn't realize is that all those people may be friends, but they aren't FRIENDS. When ever they go places, I don't get invited with the group, because I don't fit in. She saw that I could go anywhere, but they are more like acquaintances, people who I can talk to, but that I don't hang out with. So, like every other summer of my life, I sit at home alone whole everyone else hangs out with friends and goes to the beach and has fun. Yet, for some reason, I miss people. I still want to talk to them, even though I know that this "friendship" isn't going to last (it never does for me), I want the company of people.
It's one of those things that you wish you could get used to; the hurt, the pain. I want desperately to get used to the pain of fake friendships, of the people who build up a lie, saying that they care about you, and that you'll always be friends, and that they won't leave you. Preparing and logging things for years from now is useless. I don't get to keep friends for that long. I am not that special. There is nothing special about me. Apparently, I don't have that thing that everyone else has that allows them to keep friends and keep people around them. All of this is going through my head all the time, but this is what I hide from people. I read books, and watch movies, and they feed into my fairy tale head, the one that says that I am going to live happily too. Then, every morning, a new wave of disappointment and hurt runs through me. I get reminded of all the empty promises and all of the fake friendships. Yet, for some reason, I let it continue. I continue to allow myself to trust people, to let myself get hurt, and every time, it just gets a little worse. It makes me hate myself.
You may say that people go through similar things all the time, and they all hurt to no end, and they are alone, and they hate themselves too. Well, those are the people that you usually see committing suicide. Taking their own lives. They have nothing else to live for. I refuse to do that. I refuse to take my own life, no matter the hurt. If anything, I will live for the everlasting life when I am dead. If anything, that is what I live for. That is the only thing that gets me up in the morning, and if not for that, I wouldn't be here anymore. I guess, I am thankful to have something in my life to look forward to, because it puts a dim light in a dark room. That's okay, because my room never lights up anyway, so the dim light saves me.
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