04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

So here I am

Writing. Not that I know what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. There is so much going on all the time and I just can’t keep up with life. It’s always ‘this person against that person’ and ‘this person did this’ but ‘that person did that’ and things just get so confusing that it’s hard to know which way is up. And most of the time it’s nearly impossible to tell if the information you’re given is the whole truth or just something that has been passed along through the eyes of too many diluting it to something that is sort of, kind of, the truth but not really.

Then you get when things become so convoluted and somehow the different drama stories that you’ve been keeping up with this whole time start to become intertwined with one another. For example, I have two different friends, who like two different guys. Yet, these two different guys, both like the same girl. And she is one of those girls who goes on flirting with every guy she lays eyes on and leads them all on to think that they have a chance with her when really, she doesn’t want them. And in the process she’s hurting people and even though she KNOWS she’s hurting people she continues to do it anyway.

People come to me. All the time. And I listen. That’s easy enough. They start to ask me for advice and I must say, that’s a tad harder. I do my best, but I don’t know the secrets of the world, and I know nothing about guys. That’s what all these girls come to me about. Yet, I know nothing about this. I have no experience whatsoever. And while they all know this, they all seem to think that I know something that they don’t. As one girl so kindly pointed out when I tried to help her: I have no experience with anything like this anyway.

I do my best just trying to look at things from an objective point of view. So here I am, sitting, and hoping that the advice I am giving these girls is the right advice to give.

What’s the best choice?

That, is the question that everyone answers at every point in time. Some choices are no-brainers and you don’t even realize that you’re making them. Others, take much more thought. I made a choice to start writing right now instead of continuing to study for my Government test (and quiz) on Wednesday. I ended up choosing a topic to start writing about. I am still trying to choose whether or not i am going to eat ice cream before I go to bed and whether or not I am going to do the math homework I was assigned today. I am thinking yes on ice cream and no on homework, but that’s just me. The homework probably won’t even be collected tomorrow, so I am not going to stress about it, I am tired. So tired. I have gotten to that point where I am just typing and I am no longer actually thinking about what I am putting down on this paper. If it can be called paper…

There are some choices that are much harder than others. The choice of whether or not to tell someone what you think about them is an incredibly tough choice. Is it worth it? What if the other person does not reciprocate? Then what? Did you just make a good friendship awkward for nothing? In Economics, a decision is made by weighing the costs and the benefits. What if you don’t know the costs, and you don’t know the benefits? So many things can happen by just that one statement that there is absolutely no way that you can know what is going to happen if you just utter those words. If the feelings are mutual, sure it was worth it, but if they aren’t, then, in turn, it’s not worth it. So, at what point can you decide whether or not the benefit is worth the cost.

Well, these are the options for most people. For me, I have only one option. I won’t say anything. I don’t believe that it’s worth it. And, not being worth it, there is no point in me even going through this whole though process, yet, I do it anyway. That’s alright, at least I can say I thought about the option, I just don’t see it as an actual option for me. But, oh well. What can I do about that?

She tells me I am holding myself back…

… and she is probably right. When it comes to these things she usually is. But she also tells me that she thinks you like me, and I can’t be sure about that. Not yet anyway. Yes, she knows me very well, and she tells me that I should have told you. That I should have just told you that night; I should have told you that I like you. I don’t think I can even do something like that. I am not sure that I want to know what you think of that idea. It’s a scary thought. I think about you a lot, about everything that’s happened, and I want to agree with her, but I don’t want to think things that may not be true. The only thing I can say is what if it isn’t true? When I tell her this, I know that she is thinking that it’s things like this where I get in my own way of something happening. But why should I have to take the first step? If you actually like me, why can’t you do it? In reality, I almost just want to stop thinking about you. I don’t know why I get so scared when I am thinking about things like this, but it does scare me. This is a step in my life that I haven’t had to consider yet, but she makes me think about it, and consider it, and even though I want it, I think I am scared. Well, I guess she is probably right and it’s more nerves than anything, I am not sure it makes it any better. So yes, it’s better to just stop thinking because there is no point in just hoping for things that probably won’t happen.

You told me to just hope for the best, but you don’t know that it’s you. If you knew, then you probably wouldn’t be saying that. You would tell me that I should get over it, and that’s okay because that’s what I need to do. I want to think all sorts of things, but I do my best to stop myself because things just don’t happen for me. I think it may be too soon anyway for me to know if I actually really like you, so in my opinion, it’s just better for me to give it time. She tells me that if I were just able to do what I needed to do, something could have happened already and I wouldn’t still be thinking these things. But I doubt myself too much. What makes me think that I will find someone that I like that likes me too? Sure I am young, but why should I think that this prospect of my life is going to go anywhere? Why should I be able to find that somebody that everyone always wants to find? And it’s thoughts like this that make her say things like this to me…

(Oh wow they never play this song on the radio, but of course they are playing it now: Somebody by Reba McEntire – and I can’t help singing along)

I shouldn’t be doing this

I really shouldn’t. I should be working on homework and not typing this right now. But, I don’t want to work on homework stuff. There are so many things going on right now that I just can’t concentrate on anything. I am talking to you right now, only I guess, it’s a different you. I have talked about someone I refer to as “you” but I can’t think about him right now. I did my best not to think about him before anyway. It’s not the smart thing to do. So, after what’s happened I did my best to just not think about it and it’s alright. I first started talking about you to people a few weeks ago. I didn’t know exactly what it was that made me so interested in you. I wanted to be able to get to know you some. You are different, interesting, and I think that it’s really cool. I shouldn’t be thinking about you. I should be focused on schoolwork because I need to finish this thing, but while I am talking to you, I can’t help but thinking about you. It’s difficult for me to concentrate and even though I have everything that I need and I just need to be able to copy it onto the powerpoint, I am having issues just doing that. It involves too much thinking. Still, I am trying. I am trying very hard to be able to accomplish this and just finish the stupid homework.

It’s teenage life really. I think it’s all stupid. You are living in it knowing that when you grow up that it’s not going to mean anything to anyone anymore, but all of the little things, all the stupid teenage things still have your attention, because it still feels like it does matter. For now, it will, and although in the future, it will have no relevance to your life, it will still be a memory, and I guess since we are supposed to be living the for the present anyway, why not care about what’s going on. Well, right now, I am writing about whatever first pops in up in my head, but in reality, I am not even sure that it makes sense because I am tired. And of course, I can only think about you right now, which would be hard not to do, because I am talking to you. Even still, I shouldn’t be thinking about you. Stupid teenage things.

My life right now

Social time is fun.

School is easy to live through.

Food is good.

Music is the best.

My friends are amazing.

And guys suck.

That is all I have to say.

Guys just freaking suck.

(not all of them, I mean no offense to any good guys out there.)

This Blog

This blog feels like a fail blog right now. I feel like we need to actually do something with it, spice it up a little somehow. But of course, this is just me being me, I always want there to be something more than there is, but that’s alright. Eventually we are going to actually do something different to this blog.

There was something that I wanted to talk about, but I just can’t remember what.

Oh yes, you. You, who I will not name. You, who will probably never read this. You, who has confused me to no end for the last while. You, who said things to me and talked to me about certain things that just can’t happen. Yet, you talked about them anyway. You are going to come and visit me this summer, you have promised me that much. But of course, you have decided on the Navy. Why the Navy? I don’t think that you remember, but I do. I remember the day you told me that if I told you not to go to the Navy, you wouldn’t. I told you not to. You told me you wouldn’t. But I don’t think you remember, and I do not want to remind you, because I can’t pretend anymore. You have her and she has you, and I am going to be happy for you for it, because I know that it’s what you would do. And if anything, I should be able to know you as happy right? But still, you confuse me. You talk to me in a way that you always have. But in a way that shouldn’t be, because you have her. You shouldn’t be talking to me that way anymore. It just makes things that much more difficult on this end. And even though I am venting to you, I know that you won’t read this, because I don’t think you know of the existence of this blog. But if you did, then you would know. You shouldn’t be acting the same way.

However, who am I to say anything? Sure I say it, but do I really want it? Or do I want to pretend that it still is the way it was before, even though we both knew that we have our own lives to live? Either way, I do know something. I like the way you talk to me. Even though I shouldn’t. Even though none of this should have happened from the beginning. But I know, that I am still glad it happened. They say that you can never regret something that once made you smile. Well, this still makes me smile, so I guess that it qualifies for the same thing. I remember when I told you that even when I didn’t want to, you always made me smile, and you still do, and I don’t want to. I find that interesting.

I am probably in an unhealthy place, but that’s okay, because even though I say all of this, I know better. I know better than to think that anything we have said can become anything while you are there and I am here. And yet, I am still happy. :)

Xavier

Dear X,

I don’t know how to tell you what I am trying to say. Heck, I don’t even know what I am trying to say. You know, you tell me that it’s not just me, but how do I know you aren’t just saying that to make me feel better? Yes, I second-guess and over think everything. I wonder these things most likely because I don’t believe something like this can happen to me. Then again, thinking about it, I guess even if it was both of us, it can’t. You are out wherever you are and I am here, wherever that is. I try to imagine what it will be like to see you again, but I can’t. When we talk you seem so sure about everything, that it will all be fine, but I don’t feel quite as confident. I worry. I don’t even know what I worry about, but I worry. Looking back on what I wrote, I think I convey a sad tone, but I am not sad. Just confused; then again, what in life isn’t confusing? I am not sure if you will read this, and maybe that’s why I put it on here, but if you do, don’t feel obligated to say anything to me about it. At least you will have read it. I think that I put this here because I am not sure I want to say any of this to you, but if I did, I wouldn’t want it to be at a time where it may seem that I am expecting you to say something, because I don’t. For lack of anything else to say, I guess I will end here.

Nichole :)

P.S. Again re-reading this, I realize that things I say can be understood the wrong way. I mean nothing bad, and I can’t wait to see you again. :)

P.S.S. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me at times when we aren't talking, but I don't want to ask you. ;)

P.S.S. I almost hope that you don't read this. It is probably better for the both of us if you end up not reading it.

Fairytales...

are lies. They lead children to believe that things that will never happen will. Sure, all these Disney movies are cute, and fun to watch, but they LIE. From the time that all the young are born, they learn and watch fairytale movies and hear fairytale stories. I may have to go out on a limb and say that it can be worse for girls than it is for boys. They show these little girls that 15 and 16 year olds can see a guy and they will fall in love and get married and they don't even have to say a paragraph's worth of dialogue to one another. (I say 15 and 16 because that's actually how old alot of them are.) It's not right. I see my little girl cousins talking about their "Prince Charming" that is waiting for them to grow up some and know that there is no such thing.

I see them believing these lies and even though I know that this won't happen, I have to play along because "it's nice to llet them have something to believe in" (or so the other females in my family say). Well, in my opinion, the only thing that's going to happen is that one day, they are going to wake up and realize that life just doesn't work that way, and they will be heart broken. They are going to realize that in real life, things don't just work out for you.

What are we teaching our children? Of course, all of these movies are adorable and must-sees, if you know better than to believe them, but how do you avoid children believing in things that just don't happen? It's not easy, but I guess I will have to wait and see...

Mah Trio. Mah Friends. Mah Guyz. Mah Boyz. Mah memories

My two best friends here in Tustin. They're my guyz, my boyz. They have my back. We're a trio, we're like the three musketeers but one of us is a girl. We're like hewey dewey and lewie together forever but again one of us is a girl. We're that trio you stare at as they walk through the mall because they're laughing so loudly but they don't seem to care. We're those three wierdos at school who are always hugging each other and messing around. We're that trio that asks each other if we look okay and change if we don't. We're that trio that has their own special walk as they go to school, the one that hangs out at each others houses THEN heads to school. We're the ones who can jokingly tease each other and not get upset. We're some of the closest friends you could EVER find... We're starting to split up a little.
Blake and i met during orchestra class in the 7th grade. Quickly i grew to enjoy his company and childish antics. He fell in love with the way i smiled. We slowly begun to know each other, to notice each others antics and how we both joked around. We talked about getting glasses different hairstyles, things i would normally talked to a girlfriend about and thinks he would have regularly kept to himself. We grew a bond of closeness. Rumors started going on that we were going out and we ignored them. When another classmate in orchestra started courting me he warned me about him. When i didn't listen he persisted. When that classmate cheated on me he was there to listen to me and eventually help me get my revenge. We became close friends through the most tumultous part of our lives so far. We're still in the middle of that time but it will pass and hopefully we'll still be friends. His best guy friend moved away to utah and he was heart broken. His new best guy friend is actually a friend i introduced him to and welcomed into our group. he joined the school year mid way but we love him lots. Winter blake and i after a lot of bonding time became a trio and blake and i left our duo memories behind.
Winter joined my core class. I ask him if he'd like to meet my friends or if he wanted to walk around teh school. someone else had offered and he had already accepted. I go to chat with some of my 7th grader friends and winter is sitting alone. I ask him again if he'd like to join us and he accepts. Quickly he's accepted into our very open group. only a week after we meet him we celebrate his birthday as if we had known him since the beginning of the year. winter slowly became the person in our group who was wiser beyong his years, even if he is a month younger than me making him the youngest in the group. He would walk me home then walk to the library, since i live the farthest away from school we would end up alone. We would chat about everything even serious things. he became my second confidante the first being blake. It was all very natural talking to him about things. Some i couldn't but still. Then we became a trio as blake and winter bonded. We would walk to blakes house and hang out then they would walk me home and go back to blake's. Winter caused a bit of a stir in our group by dating two different girls within the group .
one was bi who had a crush on her best friend. i'm sorry if this is getting a little too reality tv for you but it's true. Winter dated her first then the best friend. The group broke up and all that was left was the trio and a few other people who really didn't care.
blake is going to utah this weekend to visit his old best friend and winter might move to alabama. he's not even sure which highschool he's going to. wether it's in alabama, tustin high or irvine. If he moves then we'll have lost our trio and go back to just being a duo. But if we're just a duo again it might be even harder. I'll be spending most of my time in the library, blake and i won't have any classes together except for possibly chinese and p.e. And since i have all honors classes i won't have much time because of homework.
True friends i found at school in tustin, and we might break up. not because we're drifting apart, but because life just isn't fair. In tustin it's hard to find true friends like these two because everyone here is concerned with image and spreading rumors, especially about those people who used to be one of them but chose not to be with them. especially about people who smile all the time. how is anyone that happy? especially about a girl who has two guys as best friends. especially about some wierd guy who's closer to a girl who's a friend than his girlfriend. and especially about some guy who moves randomly around all the time, and is some freak genius. we three don't care we have each other and love each other very much.
being apart from these two and i would fall apart at school. but i'll try, and even if being with blake is going to be hard, even if winter moves away we'll still keep in touch. I love these guys a lot. hey blake winter <3 u guys more and more every day and we'll always be together you know like that song at the end of grease? =p