My Darling Valentine

Do you remember that conversation we had that night? The one that made you cry...?
When I told you that I didn't trust you with how I felt because you had never hurt me before... and it was such a shock to me. I love you, but I didn't trust you. You cried that night, and pushed me away from you because you felt that you didn't deserve me. You cried, and we spent that night together, just the two of us, so that I could show you that I love you. That same night I realized that it would be okay to trust you again. Your remorse seemed so sincere... and I knew I could never be upset with you for long. I love you too much.
Do you remember our first valentine's day? We were hanging out by the pool after school, just relaxing and talking, lingering rather than walking home. Neither of us had valentines, and we were talking about it. You mentioned that you had never had a valentine before. I offered to be your Valentine. Your face lit up and you had me in a hug that was insanely long, tight, and uncomfortable.... I always laugh remembering that day. Every year after that we always had something special to say to each other on Valentine's day. This year? I sang you a song.
I'm sorry for daring to try to love another. I'm sorry for not simply sitting back and enjoying you. I dwelled in the past, and took that into the present thus making it dark and cold with the ghosts, rather than bright and happy like the love in our hearts. The love in my heart.
I gave you that bracelet, that wasn't finished, and you told me it was just like our story, unfinished. Our unfinished story.

I dedicated my song tonight to three types of people.

People who had never been sung a lullaby.
So that you would know that someone loves you. You are not alone. You don't have to build up walls and keep people out. I love you, will always love you, and I will always be here to comfort you when you need it.

People who like to believe that you can love someone forever in just one moment of time.
So that you would remember that moment in the movie theatre, that moment in the car, that moment in the park, that moment by the science building... all of our little moments and infinite amount of forevers.

and lastly...

People who know that even though you've finished a chapter, you still have the rest of the book to read.
So that I could have hope in the words that you yourself said: Our unfinished story. So many times I lose hope, than God reminds me about love and all of our happy times together, and I can smile again because he gives me back that hope. The you of the past gives me back the hope. Love. Your love gives me hope. It has for the past almost-four years, and it will continue to give me hope even when you're not around.

You said you've loved me for all of these years... I said I loved you too.
You said that you loved me even beyond the love of intimate friendship that I had for you and I brushed it off.
I don't believe that you've stopped loving me... I just believe you're hurt. We both are. I still love you though. I'm sorry that you have to feel pain. I would take it all away and carry it all myself if I could.

For you my darling valentine... You may not think you have one, or consider yourself mine, but you are my valentine. The person that I love despite all opposition... the person I love and cherish above all the rest. Happy Valentine's day. I love you, and I promised you I would always love you. You promised you would never forget.

I'll never forget you my valentine.
The one from freshman year, who was so excited and happy to have his first valentine.
The one from sophomore year, who was torn and confused but still willing to love me and let me love him.
The one from Junior year who listened to my stories of travel.
and most importantly the one from Senior year, who looked me in the eyes as we lay under the moon and stars in the dark of night and said, that he would always love me too.

Tired

I am writing this while i am so tired that i think that i have passed the point of tired and have gotten to the point where i just don’t know what the heck is going on. Of course, this means that I am going to have to write an essay that is due tonight… not the best thing in the world. I am 98% sure that i am barely coherent (vocab word!) and don’t really even know what the heck i am talking about. the only think that i can think of right now is that I like music and that my eyes feel like giant puff-balls. And for some reason this seems rather funny to me. Well, since i am supposed to be writing an essay right now… i better get to that. MUSIC ROCKS!!! <3

Morning Confessions

I have a confession! I love pop Music! this hardcore rock lover also loves Hilary Duff, LMNT, Aly + AJ, the disney music and all that other stuff rock lovers curst to hell! I'm now going to sing Hilary Duff while I dance around my room!

Two questions for you : have you ever wondered why in sci-fi movies of the future everyone uses swords or some cool weapon, while today we just blow things up?
What do I give back to the world?

Today I Was Told To Watch A Movie, Go Shopping, Or Do Nothing

And of course I get this AFTER I turn down my mother's offer to take us out to a movie...
I tried to sit in on my bed and do nothing. I failed. I couldn't do it, instead I got up and started CLEANING. Ugh, my room is clean now... it disgusts me. I kept wanting to get up and do something. I haven't meditated, or had the need to, in such a long time I can't seem to empty my mind anymore except for when I'm sleeping! Even then my mind is so active.
Last night I had a dream that I was fighting rabid bunnies off of a life raft. My life raft was neon green...
I listened to Contagious by Avril. I ended up playing it several times and dancing alone in my room in my shirt and undies. Yay!!! Oh cmon like you haven't done it before...
I listened to Color Everywhere, by Christian Bautista, and remembered all the moments that we've listened to that song together.
I listened to Ocean Avenue by Yellow Card. I absolutely love that song. It was the song I sang over and over on my way home from his house. He didn't know that before, and If he's reading/read this now he does!
Now I'm listening to Casting Crowns. BEST. WORSHIP. MUSIC. EVER.
-ahem-
So my question for today is : It is father's day, I should appreciate my Daddy. He's at work. WHY?!
Went to church today, praised that father (which in another topic I should remember to write about but If I do now I'll lose focus) and today my Daddy is at work. Why is life so easy for others? And hard for the rest? Why has my family fallen so far from the upperclass nationally known family we had once been? Now we're just another family in another american town. True we are far better off then so many others, but within my own conditioning I am used to so much more. I feel bad for my future husband, he has to support my wants and desires as to what I am accustomed to. Despite the fact that my family has lived in the states for seven years now we are still accustomed to keeping up the appearance of being a well off family to society. I'm sure the rest of my father's family sees us as poor. It's not my fault my father and mother didn't go begging to my grandmother for money like one of his elder brothers did. I said nothing. My mother's family on the other hand sees us as their support too. We help provide for my mother's mother, and my older brother. Of course they help support themselves, but we do what we can.
I wish that my father could afford a house, so that my grandmother and my brother could finally join us, and my mother could be happy that she is with her family too. I wish that he had more days off besides thanksgiving and christmas. I wish he didn't leave early in the morning, and come home late into the night. I feel so selfish for wanting all the things I do, and for having the lifestyle that I'm accustomed to. I feel so selfish, and spoiled. gah! I hate that about me.
Haha! My thoughts have brought me to this, and today he told me to spoil myself! Not directly but indirectly. Now I'm just feeling... Confewzzled?

E-bil. I like that word. Are there any cute words you like?

So It's Just Right

So today again I had another fantasy. Riding away and perhaps he'd follow. No of course not, now why would that happen? So no fairy tale story for me. I think that I am totally okay with that. No, rather I know that I am absolutely totally okay with that.
Today I ditched school. Nothing too treacherous, especially since honestly nothing really happened in my classes.
I spent the day with Ryan. The day before his graduation. Yay. Graduation. My man is becoming an adult. I'm getting ready for my courses at IVC. Somehow, for some reason, today was so right. I left Ryan's place early, his mom was coming home, and then I went to Maki Yaki. I had one serving of California rolls, with my side of sumi salad. Water was good. It was all good and delicious. Now I'm watching Hoodwinked, which is just an awesome movie. It brings so much reality into a fairy tale, and it's STILL a fairy tale. I adore it.
I spent a lot of time with him today. I can smell him on my skin.
Tomorrow they all graduate. Tomorrow he leaves for a couple weeks. Today he packs. Today he and I were together one more time. One last time for a long time. Last night we talked on the phone. Last night I cried and he was cold. Last night for once we worked a problem out together.
Right now I'm thinking of the things I have left to do, and I'm looking at all the things around me. No matter how odd today may have been, it was so right.
On top of all that I played Tomorrow from Annie on the piano as well as the one song that's all, "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." Oh yeah. Somewhere Over The Rainbow...
I took that video there just last week. Look at how blissfully happy we are. Were. I'm sure we'll still be wonderfully happy. I took that video to preserve a memory, when I started taking it I had initially just wanted a recording of his smile, and that's just what I got. Isn't he just the best?
I think he is so THERE.

Every Kiss, Every Moment, Each and Every Glance

Smiling at each other...
shyly from across the room.
the first time that their eyes meet
and they look away quickly with a bashful smile
and rosy red cheeks
the first time their hands touch
just a moments stroke
but the beginning of a lifetime's many moments
the first time they speak to each other
two voices harmoniously joining
laughing with each other like bells
the first time their lips touch
an awkward moment for the both
but a smile from ear to ear
on both of their faces
when they finally part.
anger. frustration. sadness.
now all the author has to do is write the ending.
or can the charachters write this ending themselves?

Heart Beats

A simple string
on an every day instrument
to me thought
it is more
it makes a sound
reverbrating through my body
it sounds different dependoing on who plays
it is a beautiful melody
a song that single note
it's so hard to explain
but... the notes i play
continue through my soul
they are my heart beats.