Twisted Fate

All of the "should have"s, "would have been"s, and "could possibly still be"s buzz in my head from time to time. I can't help but wonder and think and dream...

It's strange to think that you are over a break up, but still feel affection for the person. I am not one who hates and is spiteful, and pushes away all the bad memories. I will look on those memories and smile. I  have lost too many good friends, and too much precious time, in hate, and trying to use anger to forget love. Why would anyone wish to forget love? That is a better question.

It is strange to see that a relationship, not even nescessarily romantic, that has lasted years to dissipate in a matter of seconds, and soon that person is just another face in the crowd. Perhaps it is a face who's person's intimate details you are aware of, but that fact is pushed into the dark recesses of the mind so that we might not feel pain at the loss. We as human beings, creatures of a loving nature, could we not still remember the pleasant memories and not feel pain? Why is it so strange for me to smile at the memories? Why do others think I must stop reminiscing? I remember all of those memories and I can smile.

Love. Faith. Hope. I live my life by these things.
Faith in God, and in others as well as an innate good. Hope that all of the things I believe in are truly good. Love, because without it the other two might as well be dust in the wind.

At one point in time you and I were inseperable. People argue, but if they were able to be friends before, why can't we be that again?

So here I am

Writing. Not that I know what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. There is so much going on all the time and I just can’t keep up with life. It’s always ‘this person against that person’ and ‘this person did this’ but ‘that person did that’ and things just get so confusing that it’s hard to know which way is up. And most of the time it’s nearly impossible to tell if the information you’re given is the whole truth or just something that has been passed along through the eyes of too many diluting it to something that is sort of, kind of, the truth but not really.

Then you get when things become so convoluted and somehow the different drama stories that you’ve been keeping up with this whole time start to become intertwined with one another. For example, I have two different friends, who like two different guys. Yet, these two different guys, both like the same girl. And she is one of those girls who goes on flirting with every guy she lays eyes on and leads them all on to think that they have a chance with her when really, she doesn’t want them. And in the process she’s hurting people and even though she KNOWS she’s hurting people she continues to do it anyway.

People come to me. All the time. And I listen. That’s easy enough. They start to ask me for advice and I must say, that’s a tad harder. I do my best, but I don’t know the secrets of the world, and I know nothing about guys. That’s what all these girls come to me about. Yet, I know nothing about this. I have no experience whatsoever. And while they all know this, they all seem to think that I know something that they don’t. As one girl so kindly pointed out when I tried to help her: I have no experience with anything like this anyway.

I do my best just trying to look at things from an objective point of view. So here I am, sitting, and hoping that the advice I am giving these girls is the right advice to give.

The Hundreth Post Which Just Like The Others Is About Life and Love

Dear... How do i start with dear in these sort of things?
     What's more appropriate? Hey? What's up? -Nick? Yes, that one?
Nick,    
     I'm at a loss for words and yet I write. My speech flows more when I write but I'm also much more uncensored. So please, bear with me?
     I've never been good with the English language. I speak before I think, just trusting the immediate meaning of a word rather than it's connotations. I'm self centered, think way too often about myself instead of seeing what I do to those around me. In retrospect do I realize what I've done what I do. Many times I make the same mistake again before I finally learn.
     I just thought about this, but sorry if this is hard to read.      
     I'm still a child. I make mistakes and I try my best to learn from them, but I don't. I'm a far cry from the young woman I want to be. I'm anxious all the time. I choose to expect the worst because I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up. I'm afraid of the world failing me and life pushing me down. I've learned to expect the least, to be happy with what I have. I know I don't deserve to have the things I do. I don't deserve to be happy, and yet I am. I push away those who love me, and don't let them get close to me. that way when they leave me I won't miss them as much. I think, feel, and believe such desolate things, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it all. There is that hopeful part of me, though it doesn't seem to come out in private too often. I dwell in the past, afraid it will dictate my future. When I see a similarity suddenly I worry that I'm going down the same path. I either worry continuously until I've forgotten about it, or I fight too hard against it, instead of seeing what will be I only see what was.
    I have flaws. I make mistakes, and I'm only human. I'm sorry. Sorry that I've caused you pain. I'm sorry that I've hurt someone who means so much to me. I'm sorry I looked at the darker side of things. I'm so happy around you that none of it could possibly be real. Something had to be wrong and i had to find it.     
     I'm sorry i brought up my ex's all the time, they meant a lot to me, but they're the past (you are were are were) You're my present. I didn't see what was in front of me because I was too focused on what was behind me rather then treating you like my boyfriend I still tried to act like you were my best friend. I wasn't careful about what I said, I should have changed, been more willing to move forward but I didn't. I'm sorry for drifting out of reality. For not smiling every time I saw you or letting you know how much i love you each and every moment I'm sorry for not appreciating all the little things you've done for me over the years. even the big things like being my shoulder to cry on, and my friend. for loving me. 
     There's still so much to learn and understand about each other. There are so many sides to you, and I should put in the effort to figure it out.
     This isn't as important, but I'm soo sorry about your glasses! I really didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
     I should probably explain what the random puzzle pieces are. they were supposed to be a scavenger hunt for our 3 month anniversary. Start with an empty jar and a clue which led you to a puzzle piece, then another and so on and so forth. The gift was meant for you, so here, and happy new year. They were supposed to be in different places that (are) were important to us from freshman year on
     If I ever appeared to be trying to change you, then I'm sorry. I love you just the way you are. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. you mean so much to me, and I love you. I don't know any other way to say it.     
     Well I suppose this is my final plea. for now I can't think of much else save for I wasn't trying to play games, toy with emotions. This is what I'm thinking. I want the chance to talk to you face to face and talk about this    

Love, Sincerely? Both? how do you end this sort of letter... thing?
Paulina

I want to work things out. I need to work out my issues and I'm asking you to bear with me. you promised you'd never forget that I loved you no matter what. Please don't break that promise.



I'm sorry. I know you don't even know about this blog, and you'll get the original handwritten version but I'm so sorry. I love you. I want to be around you. I want to have you in my life. You've made me stronger. And I hope to God I didn't do the opposite for you. Thank you for that.

What’s the best choice?

That, is the question that everyone answers at every point in time. Some choices are no-brainers and you don’t even realize that you’re making them. Others, take much more thought. I made a choice to start writing right now instead of continuing to study for my Government test (and quiz) on Wednesday. I ended up choosing a topic to start writing about. I am still trying to choose whether or not i am going to eat ice cream before I go to bed and whether or not I am going to do the math homework I was assigned today. I am thinking yes on ice cream and no on homework, but that’s just me. The homework probably won’t even be collected tomorrow, so I am not going to stress about it, I am tired. So tired. I have gotten to that point where I am just typing and I am no longer actually thinking about what I am putting down on this paper. If it can be called paper…

There are some choices that are much harder than others. The choice of whether or not to tell someone what you think about them is an incredibly tough choice. Is it worth it? What if the other person does not reciprocate? Then what? Did you just make a good friendship awkward for nothing? In Economics, a decision is made by weighing the costs and the benefits. What if you don’t know the costs, and you don’t know the benefits? So many things can happen by just that one statement that there is absolutely no way that you can know what is going to happen if you just utter those words. If the feelings are mutual, sure it was worth it, but if they aren’t, then, in turn, it’s not worth it. So, at what point can you decide whether or not the benefit is worth the cost.

Well, these are the options for most people. For me, I have only one option. I won’t say anything. I don’t believe that it’s worth it. And, not being worth it, there is no point in me even going through this whole though process, yet, I do it anyway. That’s alright, at least I can say I thought about the option, I just don’t see it as an actual option for me. But, oh well. What can I do about that?

Fairytales...

are lies. They lead children to believe that things that will never happen will. Sure, all these Disney movies are cute, and fun to watch, but they LIE. From the time that all the young are born, they learn and watch fairytale movies and hear fairytale stories. I may have to go out on a limb and say that it can be worse for girls than it is for boys. They show these little girls that 15 and 16 year olds can see a guy and they will fall in love and get married and they don't even have to say a paragraph's worth of dialogue to one another. (I say 15 and 16 because that's actually how old alot of them are.) It's not right. I see my little girl cousins talking about their "Prince Charming" that is waiting for them to grow up some and know that there is no such thing.

I see them believing these lies and even though I know that this won't happen, I have to play along because "it's nice to llet them have something to believe in" (or so the other females in my family say). Well, in my opinion, the only thing that's going to happen is that one day, they are going to wake up and realize that life just doesn't work that way, and they will be heart broken. They are going to realize that in real life, things don't just work out for you.

What are we teaching our children? Of course, all of these movies are adorable and must-sees, if you know better than to believe them, but how do you avoid children believing in things that just don't happen? It's not easy, but I guess I will have to wait and see...

The im-Perfect Partner

I was mentally insane enough to choose a partner who I knew would have problems with my craving for perfection. A partner who I knew would have trouble keeping up, and who if he reached the par of my preference would be a miracle. A partner who I've never seen "in action". A partner who I know I conflict with at times, and one who I would take the chance at being highly disappointed in.



I am mentally sane enough though to choose a partner who I know will accept my perfection hunger, and try to satiate me as much as possible. A partner who would run miles for me literally, as well as try and make miracles happen. A partner who will work hard and do the best he can. A partner who I know I can work problems out with, and one who I am very proud of.



Why didn't I choose someone more stable? Someone who I know I would be able to win with. Who would exceed my expectations, and someone where I would become the one with the need to sprint just to keep up? Why didn't I push myself?



I am pushing myself. I'm forcing myself to pull someone else up. Instead of hooking myself to someone moving faster than me, ignoring everyone else who I leave behind, I'm pulling someone up. I complain all the time, about how much I feel like I'm doing, and how little my partner is doing. But he is my partner, and I only ask for his best. My partner's best is all I ask for. I know that is what he will give me.

I admit that the entire situation frustrates me yes. This is a good experience for me though. I know that together we can win. Together we can do anything at all. We could touch the stars I know we can! Because together we can do anything... Together... It's magic.

How else do you explain it? How else do you explain the fact we're still on good terms despite it all? Not just good terms, amazing terms. Wonderful terms! We could never be closer. I've never been closer to any other partner. I've never felt so close. Despite allt he differences, the conflicts, the misunderstandings, and miscommunications. Look at where we we are now?

We didn't win. We didn't lose either. He is my partner. In more ways then one. He is one of the most amazing ones that I have ever had.