The Hundreth Post Which Just Like The Others Is About Life and Love

Dear... How do i start with dear in these sort of things?
     What's more appropriate? Hey? What's up? -Nick? Yes, that one?
Nick,    
     I'm at a loss for words and yet I write. My speech flows more when I write but I'm also much more uncensored. So please, bear with me?
     I've never been good with the English language. I speak before I think, just trusting the immediate meaning of a word rather than it's connotations. I'm self centered, think way too often about myself instead of seeing what I do to those around me. In retrospect do I realize what I've done what I do. Many times I make the same mistake again before I finally learn.
     I just thought about this, but sorry if this is hard to read.      
     I'm still a child. I make mistakes and I try my best to learn from them, but I don't. I'm a far cry from the young woman I want to be. I'm anxious all the time. I choose to expect the worst because I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up. I'm afraid of the world failing me and life pushing me down. I've learned to expect the least, to be happy with what I have. I know I don't deserve to have the things I do. I don't deserve to be happy, and yet I am. I push away those who love me, and don't let them get close to me. that way when they leave me I won't miss them as much. I think, feel, and believe such desolate things, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it all. There is that hopeful part of me, though it doesn't seem to come out in private too often. I dwell in the past, afraid it will dictate my future. When I see a similarity suddenly I worry that I'm going down the same path. I either worry continuously until I've forgotten about it, or I fight too hard against it, instead of seeing what will be I only see what was.
    I have flaws. I make mistakes, and I'm only human. I'm sorry. Sorry that I've caused you pain. I'm sorry that I've hurt someone who means so much to me. I'm sorry I looked at the darker side of things. I'm so happy around you that none of it could possibly be real. Something had to be wrong and i had to find it.     
     I'm sorry i brought up my ex's all the time, they meant a lot to me, but they're the past (you are were are were) You're my present. I didn't see what was in front of me because I was too focused on what was behind me rather then treating you like my boyfriend I still tried to act like you were my best friend. I wasn't careful about what I said, I should have changed, been more willing to move forward but I didn't. I'm sorry for drifting out of reality. For not smiling every time I saw you or letting you know how much i love you each and every moment I'm sorry for not appreciating all the little things you've done for me over the years. even the big things like being my shoulder to cry on, and my friend. for loving me. 
     There's still so much to learn and understand about each other. There are so many sides to you, and I should put in the effort to figure it out.
     This isn't as important, but I'm soo sorry about your glasses! I really didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
     I should probably explain what the random puzzle pieces are. they were supposed to be a scavenger hunt for our 3 month anniversary. Start with an empty jar and a clue which led you to a puzzle piece, then another and so on and so forth. The gift was meant for you, so here, and happy new year. They were supposed to be in different places that (are) were important to us from freshman year on
     If I ever appeared to be trying to change you, then I'm sorry. I love you just the way you are. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. you mean so much to me, and I love you. I don't know any other way to say it.     
     Well I suppose this is my final plea. for now I can't think of much else save for I wasn't trying to play games, toy with emotions. This is what I'm thinking. I want the chance to talk to you face to face and talk about this    

Love, Sincerely? Both? how do you end this sort of letter... thing?
Paulina

I want to work things out. I need to work out my issues and I'm asking you to bear with me. you promised you'd never forget that I loved you no matter what. Please don't break that promise.



I'm sorry. I know you don't even know about this blog, and you'll get the original handwritten version but I'm so sorry. I love you. I want to be around you. I want to have you in my life. You've made me stronger. And I hope to God I didn't do the opposite for you. Thank you for that.

The Same Mistake

Why is it that somethimes people can't help but to make the same mistake over and over again?

Trust. It can be a big mistake. You can trust a person easily when your little. Well, what happens when you're 8 and your best friend that you trust the most just learned the most important thing in your life right now. She learned what your greatest fear was. Not just some 8-year old fear, but a fear of something that can scare a person of any age. You tell that person and she laughs in your face. What then? You're young. You move on. The next year, you have new friends. They tell you that they care about you and you believe them. I mean, why wouldn't you? Then, they tell you that they don't like you and they don't want to be your friends anymore. So you move on. The next year, you have other friends, but your best friend treats you worse than their neighbor's dog. It just continues that way, year after year. Friend after friend. Hurt after hurt. Over and over again. You would think that eventually, you would learn that people don't always mean it when they say that they care. That, eventually, you would stop caring so much about people, but you can't stop. It keeps hurting. It hurts more and more. Taking the pieces of your heart and shreding them until your heart can no longer be fixed. You would think that after nearly another 8 years of the same hurt, you would learn to stop letting the same thing happen over and over again, but for some reason, you can't. It just keeps happening. Over and over again. Like a vicious cycle, around and around, with no end in sight.

I am blessed. I found Mei. She will be there. No matter what. For once, I can be sure that someone will be there. Someone won't leave me. Somehow, she managed to stick all the pieces of my heart back together. She won't just suddenly decide that she doesn't like me anymore. It's a joke that we have,
"You will always be my best friend, because you know too much"
We are stuck like glue, whether we like it or not. Thankfully, we DO like it...
And so while everyone else can leave me, I know that she will stay. So now it doesn't even matter if I make the same mistake anymore, because whe will always be there for when the next person leaves me. Even then, it won't hurt as bad because she is my best friend, and I won't need anyone else but her.