I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

To Stay Away

To be asked to stay away from you? To pull away and ignore you? I don't know if I can do that. The forced proximity we will have that used to be desired will most definitely be a factor. That and perhaps I don't want to pull away. Such is life I suppose. I feel sick and twisted and confused, but then again I'm a teenage girl. What else is to be expected of me?
Still though I am determined. I have to have hope. Without it I'll be lost. I pull this hope from inside of myself now, instead of from you. My source of light and joy in my life. I have to find another place, and now I look in the place that I have been so afraid to look in for so long- inside of myself.
It's a dark and scary place, adn yet, I have to search here. Elsewhere I feel only desolation, so now where else is there to look? And now I know I'm stronger than I was before. I am challenged to look inside of myself and I realize just how amazing it is. I look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl growing into a beautiful young lady. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am beautfiul.

I never would have seen it if it weren't for you. Thank you.

Something Different

This is different for me. I have never been in a position in my life where I have even had to think about relationships. Yet, here I am having to actually consider the fact that I may end up in a relationship. Of course, there is a chance that I will, but there is also the chance that I won’t. Either way, I have never considered it before. Sure, I have thought about it, but it’s not the same to think about it as to realize that you actually have a true chance for something. This is something different. This is something that I haven’t experienced before. It is new to my 17 year old life. Things are changing at an incredible rate and for once, I am not finding myself freaking out.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about with this right now. I just started, but now I think that I am done already because there isn’t exactly a whole lot that I can say at this current point in time. There isn’t much that I know for sure, but there are things, and information that is out there that seems to be something worth knowing and hearing. I am not exactly sure how to take it, or what to think about it, but for now, I am just going to let myself be happy. It’s not like I could fight it right now even if I wanted to. :)

The New Year

It is the beginning of the new year. I keep telling myself that this year won't be like last year. This year I will be stronger. This year, no one will see. Of course, there is always a possibility, but I refuse to believe that I can be any weaker. The time passes, and with each day, it seems to go so fast, yet it seems like an eternity. Time goes too fast to grow up, but but too slow for other things. There are things that I cannot bear to wait for, yet I must because I have no other choice but to do so. That is the way of the world. This year, I will know that I have true friends, and two truer than all that I will need forever.
One: she is the one who will always give me understanding and will always listen to what I have to say; she is the one who can sympathize and make me feel better simply by understanding what I say, because most don't.
Two: she is the one who keeps me strong, no matter what happens, I know that she will never let me fall down on my own; because of her, I will always be strong, and I will always be able to keep moving on.
These are people who I realized were true friends that I have been waiting for my whole life. In 2009, I found them, and realized I had them. Now, in this new year, in 2010, I realized that things will be different and that they will be different for the better. And for that, I am glad. WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR!!!!

Fantasy

Throughout my life I have had fantasies. What girl doesn't? I've had dreams that never came true, and things I hope to be that never were. I fantasize. It is my downfall. The real world never seems good enough, and my fantasies grow less and less wonderful as I get older.
For once I wished my fantasies would come true, and come alive, but here I sit in a pool of tears. Not a single fantasy being reality.
I'm tired of chasing, I'm tired of not knowing what to do.
I should have ignored the voices in my head and stopped being so logical.
I got what I wanted but I cried because of it.
To those of you who read this who still fantasize. In my pain through reality I wish I could tell you to stop your fantasizing and get in touch with the real world, in the hopes of lessening your pain. I cannot though. My fantasies are my escape, even though their existence makes the return to the real world so hard, they are my times of bliss. Those fleeting moments where soma exists.
I got exactly what I had said I wanted. I cried for hours afterward.

It is not that I don't have faith in "us". Rather I do not have faith in me.