04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

Twisted Fate

All of the "should have"s, "would have been"s, and "could possibly still be"s buzz in my head from time to time. I can't help but wonder and think and dream...

It's strange to think that you are over a break up, but still feel affection for the person. I am not one who hates and is spiteful, and pushes away all the bad memories. I will look on those memories and smile. I  have lost too many good friends, and too much precious time, in hate, and trying to use anger to forget love. Why would anyone wish to forget love? That is a better question.

It is strange to see that a relationship, not even nescessarily romantic, that has lasted years to dissipate in a matter of seconds, and soon that person is just another face in the crowd. Perhaps it is a face who's person's intimate details you are aware of, but that fact is pushed into the dark recesses of the mind so that we might not feel pain at the loss. We as human beings, creatures of a loving nature, could we not still remember the pleasant memories and not feel pain? Why is it so strange for me to smile at the memories? Why do others think I must stop reminiscing? I remember all of those memories and I can smile.

Love. Faith. Hope. I live my life by these things.
Faith in God, and in others as well as an innate good. Hope that all of the things I believe in are truly good. Love, because without it the other two might as well be dust in the wind.

At one point in time you and I were inseperable. People argue, but if they were able to be friends before, why can't we be that again?

Hear My Cry

I'm trying to reach out to you. To call out to you. You who once knew my heart mind and soul so well. Can you hear me crying out?
You have every right to ignore my call. After what I've done I don't blame you. I promise you I have changed though. I am no longer that confused little girl. I am still maturing, still changing, I still have childish tendencies, but I am now becoming a young woman. We have both changed, I should hope for the better. I'd like to believe that I have become a better person over the years. Remember when we talked about people changing? About how people have to change together?
In that I have changed too. For people to have a relationship they don't have to change together. They can change seperately. Everyone has good and bad in them. That saying that says people just can't get along because they "clash"? I believe it's all boulderdash. People can still be friends, if you try hard enough. We're all just a little too stubborn.

So here I am hoping to appeal to your better nature. I know it's been ages, but hear me? Talk to me? Let's be friends again because I miss our late night conversations that moved me to tears and our revelry in the day that taught me to fall in love with life.

Faith

We will never get back to the "pure and untainted love" that I've last written about. That will never be possible, the only place that love that I spoke of can exist is with God himself. We can still have a pure love though, a love that can fight everything from stupid teenagers that make me cry to the senility of old age.
To be avoided, to be happy and ignore the wall between us. I still miss his company, his laugh, the days when his eyes were the brightest blue. Now whenever I see them they are the steely blue that make me feel so cold. There are moments when they are bright again, and I can smile, and laugh. To see his eyes at all and I am happy.
I am constantly in prayer for what to do, for guidance and strength, and I am constantly reminded that "Love is patient". I am not a patient girl, but I am learning to have faith in what God tells me, what my heart tells me, and what you, my love, what you tell me. I must wait for you to be ready to talk to me, but my head is filled with doubts that you will never be ready. You do not lie though, so I must trust you that you will talk to me when you are good and ready, but for now I wait.
This is a cut, and we can either choose to let it heal raggedly untended and the scar rise above the skin or we can choose to heal it cleanly and the scar will fade away over time just like the scar on my arm.
You are my best friend, and I want to do everything in my power to never lose you, but God is telling me I must sit back and allow him to do his work.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have hope, and faith in you and your love for me, the love you said you had for me. Do you have faith in me too?