Today was the last day for seniors at THS. Everyone rejoices because it is the last day of school. The seniors especially, they don't have to return, they are entering a new phase in their life. They continue on to a new chapter, and ending this one. This crazy one called highschool, the life of a teenager, youth, what adults all say they want to go back to, and they are happy that it's over. Graduation is a day from today, and I am not strong enough to go.
I'm not strong enough to see the people that I've spent the past school year getting to know, getting to love, move on. I know this might seem selfish, or self centered, but all I can think of is that they're leaving me behind. That I'm left here with few friends. True to some I have many friends, but for some insane reason unknown to me I feel so alone.
I didn't know what to write in Ryan's yearbook. I've broken up with him... because I couldn't bear having to say goodbye, so instead I said it earlier? I see no logic in it either. During break today I was laughing with my friends. Something clicked in my mind, and I realized that next year I will be alright. I will have friends, I will be distracted, and I will forget those who have comforted me so much in the past year. The ones who are gone.
Ryan said he knows that I will be alright without him. Somehow I can't imagine it, though I have caught glimpses and I know I will be, I don't wish to admit it. For once in my life I'm stubborn, I don't want change anymore. I didn't know what to write in his yearbook because I don't know how to say goodbye.
I took his flannel shirt from him, though he uses it as a jacket, during lunch.
Today he was wearing somethign terrible! The black shirt that I really like, beneath some plaid-ish black and grey polo shirt and then THIS flannel shirt over it all. Worse part is the flannel shirt and the polo are very similar colors, therefore they clash! Absolute fashion faux paus. The most wonderful part of it all is that he did it on purpose. It's so wonderfully Ryan.
During fifth period after lunch, Theatre, I told Kuya Jonathan that I just might keep this jacket for myself because it's ugly, it looks bad on him, and I like it.
Then the bell rings, I rush off to Tennis, I change, and stuff the shirt into my locker deep in the girl's locker room where he cannot reach it! I see him, I hug him, I say hello. I see his best friend, scream "Urian!" In my little voice run over to him and kiss him on the cheek. Oh he reminds me so much of Manong Anton. Ryan asks if he can have me. Then straight out if we can go out. Be together. Officially a couple. Again. Then in my little way I dart about him weaving in and out of the spaces made by his arms and body. Laughing and asking him why I would do that? It's summer! I'm sure I made no sense. I was dodging.
Urian just wanted him to get his jacket back. I said no, and ran off to tennis. There was another small little (I don't want to say heart attack but one of my little heart problem things) and all I wanted was for him to hold me tight. Practice finally ends, I've been so nervous with no one to hold on to while my heart is pounding away furiously and all of those damned needles in my chest that my nails are bitten again... and he's gone ofcourse.
I was dodging. How I had wanted to say yes and scream it to the world. In breaking up with him though. In removing the fact that we had been an official couple, I've pushed him away a little bit, and I'll cry that much less when it finally hit's me that I don't belong in his world anymore, and he doesn't belong in mine.
I love this flannel jacket though. It means eventually again our worlds have to collide so that he can come and get it. To see him again I'm putting all of my hopes on one jacket...shirt...thing.
That was not as strong an ending as I had hope for.
1 comment:
A wise descion to break up. Not and easy thing to do, but, perhaps, maybe not even a wise descion at all.
If he is staying in state then I see no reason why to break up other than a dislike for the man. If he's in state then he can take trips to see you. Then again there's the ominous fear of him being in realtions with another girl while gone which would give reason to break up. But the question is "Do you trust him enough?". And if you do there is no reason to break up.
If he travels out of state perhaps, then, it is a wise choice. It will give you both an opportune chance to explore, try and do new things; it will give both of you a chance at dating and maybe even finding the "One" most long to find. But if finding the "One" doesn't work out in college give your relationship another chance. And, theoretically, if your realtionship has no fruit to bear then only then should you both go you own ways.
Well that's what I think anyways.
And this for you only to decide how you should handle things; it is your life not mine.
I am just a friend (not a counseler of any sort) who felt like his take on the situation would, if you weren't thinking the same thing, would give new perspective to your situation and descion what to do from now on.
-Jtown
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