It Hurts To Say Goodbye When You Don't Need To

He doesn't understand. He doesn't know how much it hurts. To see him that way and to never know why. He never says anything and he never tells me. He doesn't know that I cry at night because I don't want him to feel pain. Maybe if I cry and feel pain for him it won't hurt as much. he never tells me why his eyes are dark and glazed over even as he's holding my hand. He doesn't even look at me when i try and bury my face into his chest. He just exists and stares into space, contemplating whatever problem, or situation, or whatever is his focus at the moment. It's not that I want to be the only thing he thinks about. I just wish that somehow I could help. I'll talk to him one moment and he sounds tired, weak, older then he really is, just so very much... not happy. The next moment I hear his voice happy and jovial, apologizes for his earlier mood then simply says goodbye to me. It hurts to hear goodbye because he doesn't realize that soon we really will have to say goodbye. He's become my other half and he doesn't even know how much it hurts, or how many tears I shed because I fear that change. I was so used to change, I used to embrace it. Change only erased all my past hurt, but now this change erases all of my past joy. Change, this new beginning, I have to accept it, but I could never accept not being a part of his life anymore. He says it's my choice, that only I can be strong. Ofcourse because those words make this choice so much easier... I thank God for everything that he's given me, but why is he taking it away from me? I can feel him slipping away through my fingers. Sometimes he holds me tight and I can smile. Sometimes he smiles at me with those bright ice blue eyes. Those beautiful happy eyes such a vibrant blue that's brighter then the sky, with that tiny inner ring of sea green, the barely hinting outer borderof only the lightest of brown, and those beautiful flecks of the brightest gold and the tiniest specks of brown. So beautiful that any painter, or a camera could ever capture them. I can smile when he's like that. I can be happy because he's happy. I can ignore the world and stop everything else. The only thing pulling me back to reality is another friends touch. Then there are the times when he doesn't smile, and if I call to him he looks at me as if I were some disturbance, something trivial that he wished were never there. I tell myself he doesn't realize that he looks at me that way, and that if he could control it he would never... He doesn't smile and his eyes darken. They dull. They're only a dull blue, the color of the sky when the sky is hinting at a possible rain in the future. Those beautiful gold flecks disappear, and the dark brown beomes more pronounced. When the rings bordering that dark blue darken even more. The dull colors become even more dull because he's not really with me. He's exploring somewhere else in his mind, and I try to call him back, but when I do I only get shoved off for him to return to where ever it was, or I am left with someone in a negative sort of mood. He says that it hurts him to see me turn away. He says it hurts that I have that power. Doesn't he realize that it hurts to see him walk away from me? That it's only if he says goodbye to me and smiles, kisses me gently on the head or on my lips, only then I can smile while he leaves despite my sadness at his departure? Doesn't he realize that despite the hurt of him walking away it hurts even more when I have to walk away? Doesn't he realize that I just want to be with him forever, and walking away from that hurts with ever step? Every step farther from him breaks my heart, and when I'm far from him my heart beats only lightly and slowly? Does he know that when I'm with him my heart begins to pound, and it races? I only wish to understand him more, and I can't ask for full understanding in a single moment, but only over time. I wish he would tell me though. We love each other equally, but he has loved me longer, I admit to that. Couldn't he try and open to me though? I try and open to him. It's hard enough for me to open to anyone but the one that is part of me. But I try because he's my other half. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. Maybe to you I sound like a silly puppy-love teenager. Maybe to you what I'm saying now is so idiotic, that you can't bear to think of this stupid little girl and her "love". He is my darling. My love. My dearest. My everything. My world. But I'm not stupid. I have to say goodbye to him soon. When that time comes I will accept it, especially since it seems to be racing towards me even if I refuse to move my feet. I only wish that in the little time we have left that I could try and understand him as much as I could. That we were as close as could possibly be. I wish that in the least... he would tell me what pains him. That maybe I could help. That's all I want. For him to be happy. I would sacrifice everything I had for his joy. I've already sacrificed so much for him... Doesn't he see that I could sacrifice even more?