Why is it so painful to remember the happy?

The logical side of me is berating myself for my foolish tears. Telling me he will move on without me one day (or even worse I without him), and that I should help prepare him as best I can for the sake of society.
This emotional side of me that I had used to call weak tells me to cry it out. To curl into a little ball and let the world see my mixed feelings. Words such as pain, joy, sadness, frustration adn solitude only tough the surface of this scrambled feelings
A mime gets crushed by a tree in the forest when no one is around, does anyone hear him?
I cry alone in the dark when no one is around. I Know someone hears me.
I know I cannot be the only one in this state. My organs twisting around themselves and my mind pounding against my skull, threatening to explode
To think I thought my emotional side was weak. I always believed he thought my strength was in my will power and the choices I made. he thinks I am strong because of how I feel. has he slipped peacefully into sleep, or does he cry like me?
I am afraid of Junior year. I feel so alone, and I know I have so much to face.
Life is like a marathon and I hate running. But I have friends who I know will help me.
Is it wrong to miss him, even if he isn't gone?
18:54
I remember the first time that he adn I really talked. I was walking outside of the girl's locker room at THS. He was sitting against the gate by the girl's locker room. He was listening to his iPod. He saw me adn called me over. He asked me to listen to a song and it made me laugh. We chatted about the song, and I wanted to go join my friends, and he came with me. I think that was also the day I looked in his eyes and he looked right back at me. This boy had the audacity to look right back at me. when did someone last look at me straight in the eyes? With such ferocity.No boy had looked at me straight in the eyes. His eyes were locked on mine. While other boys either never held the gaze or looked without seeing. I can't even describe that first not-even-an-hour of starting to know this boy. To see this boy become a man. That was the beginning and it has been a long time since then. I know we are far from the end.