Secretly... For some reason... I'm not even sure why...

... but she is a threat to me. I want so badly for you to be close with her in the way you want to be, but quite honestly it will tear me apart inside. I can't entirely explain why. I'm certain it's not entirely based on jealousy, I'm not quite so much of a hypocrite, although I'm certain there are hints of it here and there.
Maybe she does things for you that mean something to you, and all those wonderful things, but even Chase knows to never cross those lines with me again.
I saw the text message and somehow I already knew. I didn't need to be told it was her. You didn't need to nonchalantly in that round-about way of yours tell me that you've now memorized her phone number, and "inadvertently" tell me it was her.
Ditch me on Friday because "a friend" wants to have lunch. Why couldn't you just say it was her then? It would be easier than just avoiding all of it.
What bothers me the most is that it's as if you were forcing this. Working so hard at this, manipulating her in the way you know how to, and yet are so frustrated about how she manipulates you. You said your goodbye, and my heart felt lighter, because I thought you had come to a conclusion. When I asked you if you were sure that's what you wanted to do you were stubborn and said yes. Now that she's attempted to communicate again after you said you pushed her away for good, you state it was only to manipulate her into communicating with you?

I don't know why, but I'm confused and hurt by this. Give me a little time and it will fade. You won't talk to her and these thoughts and feelings will disappear until you decide to bring her up again. Perhaps you'll get what you want and have a relationship with her and I'll simply have to learn to live with it. Who knows what will happen.

Self Destructive Tendencies

Have my experiences really been so horrible?

Maybe I'm just over reacting and being emotional but you know what. I"m angry. I'm angry and upset, and I hate going to bed upset. I hate it so much.
I hung up- God am I really writing about something so trivial and stupid?
I hung up because I had upset you, and I dont' want to do that. Because I'm stupid and getting clingy and am going to miss you this week. So yeah. I hung up on you because I miss you. Sorry i'm stupid.

But you know what. fuck you. fuck this shit. fuck today. fuck your birthday present. just fuck my life okay. fuck your temper. fuck your attitude. stop being a little bitch about it, man up. Your girlfriend hung up on you because she's freaking out okay?

Freaking out because the thoughts of is this going to really work, are creeping into my head.
freaking out because today i caught myself checking out another guy. freaking out because some guy gave me his phone numnber and i actually saved it to my phone. deleted it right after. but still i saved it.
i'm freaking out because my self destructive tendencies are kicking in again and here they are. but you know what?
fuck you for not being there through it. fuck you for adding a smiley face when you're angry. just fuck you because all i can think about is you. fuck you for me wanting to be with you. just fuck it all okay?

Mitchell-

You're ridiculous. Now that this has been established, I'm sorry. There were so many things I could have done differently, and we both know we're not at fault. I'm willing to own up to my mistakes. I never should have gotten so close to Tom. I never should have even come close to that situation. So many things that I could have done differently, so many things that could have gone right.
I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. I'm sorry that I'm not with you right this second, loving you the way I had wanted to, holding your hand, perfectly happy, and loving you.
I wanted that, all of that. To explore you as a person and to grow as me as a person and all of that.
I'm sorry that I'm a child, unknowledgeable, lost, and confused.
I can't even express this amalgam of emotions inside of me right now, the weight on my mind, on my shoulders, in my heart, pressing against me threatening to both explode and crush me all at the same time.
I will own up to my faults, because they were awful and I'm sorry for all of them. If you asked it of me I'll say them out loud and get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, if you were willing to do the same for yours.

Did you really think only a handful of days of you beginning to change was going to make up for the weeks of arguing and not seeing you and my own confusion?
Your pride, your stubborn quality, clashed with my own. I'll admit it. I am proud, I am stubborn, and I am a fool- but I am not fool enough that I would let it cloud my vision from the truth.
I understand you have priorities, as did I. You had your studies and your family, I had mine. You had your friends, as did I. I refuse to bend for my friends, I made changes in my habits with them to please you. I changed, molded, gave in, bent who I was, and sacrificed intimate times with people who were my friends for your own sake. For your comfort, for your joy. What was I to give you that I didn't give them you always asked me. What was I to give you?
I gave you effort. Time with them came effortlessly, it had to be worked at with you. They didn't have my kisses, my love, my heart in their hands. Friends are companions. I don't enter romantic relationships lightly I hope you understand.
I constantly think of you every day, and I miss you, but I know that you and I simply cannot be together no matter how much I wish it could be that way.
I met someone, and I love him, much like how I love you. This young man though communicates, doesn't shrug things off. He doesn't hide from me, we have so much in common. I am myself effortlessly with him.
He is my friend first and foremost and will always remain so. If it were in his best interests for me to simply be a friend, or even completely removed from his life then I would oblige because all I want is his happiness, much like what I want for you.
I love you Mitchell, and I want your happiness. Being with you forced so much effort out of me. I should have enjoyed that effort though. It should have been effortless to put effort into our relationship, instead it was a boon, and a bane to my existence during that time. This is why I simply can't be with you.

So now that I feel dejected, like an awful person, and go back and be reminded of my past and awful things, and secrets; Now that I hate myself just a little bit more, and am again reminded of my flaws, of my existence as a human being, I feel like curling into a ball and just lying there, thinking, hating myself, forcing myself to suffer, and I'll admit it right now I feel unhappy, but amidst all of this there are a few things that I know.

There are people who will love me regardless of this.

I love you regardless of this.

I want you to be happy.

With all of my love,
Paulina

P.S. I'm sorry if things are harsh, or accusatory, or whatever they come off as, even if it's something good. I just... Not thinking simply feeling, not censoring? I'm not sure even what to say. I'm just feeling very in the moment.

I'm sorry for being a hypocrite. I tried so hard to tear your walls down, so hard to get past them because I know that I had gone the farthest into that maze of your mind than any other person. I wanted to tear your walls down because I thought that was what was best for you. I thought that I knew what was best for you, but now I look back and see my own foolishness. I'm sorry my love for doing that to you. For destroying who you were without ensuring you would be safe once we took out the things that were hurting you. Instead I tore down walls and your world came crashing down. I am so incredibly sorry.
Now I realize that I have my own walls, my own failings, my own insecurities. I am so used to being the strong one, but now it is I who am weak. I am the broken one, the hidden one, the young one, the scared one, the... I'm not even sure how to finish, what to say. I'm amazed at this revelation of myself.
I have walls. I am not strong. I am not powerful, and I never will be the person I want to be until that weak, scared, pitiful, vulnerable part of myself grows up.

So I'm sorry for insisting your walls break down, for being mad at you that they didn't come down, and for hurting you in a way that I didn't understand at the time.

This is My Vulnerability

Welcome to just a facet of me, part of my insides that so few see. Welcome to this place where so many tears have been shed; so many thoughts, words, opinions, ideas, feelings, everything. Don't hate me for what's on here. Don't run, don't hide, don't judge. Simply to know.

Look me in the eyes

See the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the frustration, the amalgam of so many conflicting emotions behind this mask, this smile that gets put on for everyone else. I opened myself to you, and you saw so much of me. I worked on peeling away my skins for you and now... Now I feel like sewing myself shut again. I am so sorry, but I know time will heal our wounds, and that life has a grand plan for us. A plan, a a path like a spider web... We simply have to decide which one to take.

Save These Thoughts for Later

Listening to your stories and remembering my own was absolutely and positively heart wrenching. Perhaps I'm being dramatic, but it most definitely was not happy for me. It made me smile to see you smile, and to remember your happy memories, but the fact that you cried about them only minutes before reminded me of what came before my numbness. I am jealous of you. I envy your ability to feel these things. To remember them. I remember them, and remember them all fondly, but I have detached all emotion from them. They numb me, remind me, chill me, then move on. This is the way of things for me, and this is how I have survived. Is that so wrong? So... right? So... what could it possibly be.
I am on new grounds, and have yet to be used to them. Wandering through life with you by my side... I feel myself on the edge of  a brave new world, with a tempest blowing at my back. Perhaps you are my island of the lotus eaters? No, you are too honest, too real, too so many other things not entirely a fantasy to be and island of the cursed fruit.
I cannot do what you do. I cannot look backwards at what I have written, or what has been written to me just yet. I am unable to do this because I am so afraid of what will happen to me.

04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

To my Dearest love,

     I love you, BUT- A horrible phrase isn't it? You're not sure what's about to come but you know it can't possibly be something good since it's precedent was something wonderful, and something horrible; or I should hope you think it's horrible, because for me it is; must follow the word "but". Now I shall continue, I love you, but this absolutely needs to be adressed or I will force myself to walk away. I will walk away from you, from this, from whatever possibly could be because I know I deserve better than this.
     Maybe it's not horrible- I'm stopping myself from continuing that because I also told myself I wouldn't make excuses for you. I had the usual run of, "I'm busy. He's busy. We're both busy. He's hanging out with friends. Maybe he's spending some family time. Maybe something has come up. Maybe... just maybe he doesn't know what he's doing and I'm making a big deal out of something very miniscule. It's the evening and you think morbidly in the evening just wait until the morning and every thing will be just fine."s. I refuse to make excuses, and I refuse to not get what I want from the person I love and who claims to love me- most especially if what I want is to feel special. I want to fall in love with you all over again each and every day. I want to be reminded of why I love you, as well as given new reasons.



I'm dramatic aren't i.

Something New

In a desperate attempt to continue writing (which I have utterly failed to do recently-- both here and at home) I have added a blogger application to my iPhone.. and hope that this will cause me to write more often. Good lock to me! (and well this application is a little lame... you can't do much)

You Leave Me Speechless...

...with fear. The fear that I will hurt again. That your words are empty, your gazes are meant to make me the fool, your touch is for your own self satisfaction, and the laughter is just another step closer to the mystery of me. I open myself, I'm vulnerable again, simply because I haven't felt this way in months? Perhaps I've already made myself the fool, that's not a job left for you to do. It is I who play the fool as I smile and giggle from your eyes, your smile, your smell... without you though my senses return to me and I remember the fool I am.
Go on then, take my emotions, steal my heart, bring me joy, then crush them all like I know you will one day.

No time in Life =/

So obviously my plans for the year totally crashed and burned and didn’t work at all like I wanted them to. And even now I am not going to write much because I have no time in life for much of anything. It is understandable being a high school senior hurdling towards graduation at a startling rate. I haven't had time to pick up my room let alone to write on this blog. Hopefully I’ll be able to find more time to begin doing such things soon, but it may still be a couple weeks before that *sigh* sooooo ttfn ta-ta-for-now!

Nature is a Beautiful Thing

Day #7

I went to the park today. I love nature, but sometimes it’s hard to see and appreciate with all the concrete you see here. It’s something that I missed while I was in Italy. The cities just seemed to be so lifeless. They were devoid of grass and bushes and trees. Sure, the buildings were beautiful and it was nice to see such a different kind of architectural beauty, but I missed the beauty of nature. It’s not something that can be replicated but it’s something that many people tend to overlook. And it’s so sad to be missing all the beauty out there

Children <3

So of course, again, I’ve been forgetting to actually write down what I had thought of each day. There’s just been too much happening and I don’t always have time to even take a break let alone write something down. But I’ll still do this as best as I can.

Day #6

That was Sunday. Sunday was hectic, but I had to be thankful for children. They may be tough to take care of and sometimes maybe you just want to tear out your hair because they just ride on your last nerve all the way to China, but they’re sweet and cute and funny and they’re our future generations that will lead our world in the future. They are the pride and joy of the present and we have to raise them to the best of our ability because they will take us further than we can ever take ourselves. And so, I am thankful for the children :)

My Beautiful Sister :)

Day #5

I have a sister. A beautiful sister. She is just so wonderful and I love her so much. She is just amazing as any person can be and I love it when she comes to visit me. We talk a lot, about everything under the sun and I am just so thankful that she is a person in my life. I have only ever lived with her for a total of maybe five years and while maybe we didn’t always get along when we were younger, she always listened to me and as we both got older we found that we enjoyed each others company more and more. I love my sister so much and I love the times when I get to spend time with her and just hang out because she is one of my best friends. I feel so lucky that I have a sister like her because I she is a person that I get along with and that I know that I can talk to about anything and everything no matter what. And that is something that is absolutely amazing to have. That’s more than I can ask for and yet, it was given to me in my sister. We spent time together today and we got the chance to talk again like we haven’t been able to in a while. I always miss her terrible and I love that time that we get to spend together. She is the listener. The advice giver. The driver. The one who made it through everything and did everything on her own. I look up to her and I have learned a lot from her. She is my role model, and even though she’s made a lot of mistakes, who hasn’t? The point is that she’s worked through them and does the best she can with what she’s given and what she’s done in the past. And that, is something to look up to.

My Grandpa <3

Day #4

I have a grandpa. A very wonderful one at that. I am so thankful that he is alive. A main theme of this year I guess is to recognize what I have that others don’t. Some people don’t have a grandpa, and I have two. There is one that I see all the time and even though his retina is detaching and he may be blind for the rest of his life, he is ALIVE. And no amount of blindness can change that one bit. He is my grandpa, and he lives. He tells me stories, he conversates with me, he gives me good food and lets me do whatever I want. If I ever ask him for anything he just tells me: mi casa es su casa, take whatever you want. And I smile cuz I love his accent when he talks. I love my grandpa so much and even if he goes blind, I’m just happy that he’s still alive :)

A Healthy Body

Okay so obviously it’s easily noted that I missed a couple days and I am making up for them here and unfortunately I already fail at doing this daily thing. I am doing my best but I have so many things to do since I came back that I just fall asleep in the middle of my work without actually writing anything, but I will get better!

Day #3

Anyway, yesterday, I was thankful for the fact that I have a healthy body. Yes, I do have my own array of health problems, but they are all relatively minor and I can still run, I can still be active, and I can still live the type of life I’d want to live. There are so many people who have health problems and have to worry about dying so young and about what they do with their life because they have to be careful with everything that they do. And yet, I still have a healthy body and that is something that many people take for granted. They don’t realize how lucky they are to even be healthy enough to move around let alone go to school and play sports. And that means a lot.

A Loving Family

Day #2

I have reason to be thankful. I have a loving family and even though they just make me so mad sometimes, I love them all and I know that they still love me. Today I just got so frustrated with them, as all teenagers and everyone else for that matter does.  It just happens, it’s a part of life and it’s going to happen to everyone no matter who you are. I am so thankful to have my family; there are so  many out there not nearly as fortunate as I. Not only do I actually have a family, as opposed to the many out there that don’t, but I get to see them and I talk to them and they’re people that I can actually be in a room with for more than five minutes without wanting to shoot someone or even myself. They’re people that I love and people I get along with. I hear so many stories from my friends of their families that just don’t connect at all and don’t talk and don’t even interact with one another and I am just so thankful that my family isn’t like that. They’re people who want to be around me and actually care enough to want to spend time with me, and that is something to be thankful for.

A Year of Thankfulness

I never had a new years resolution. So now, two months and eight days late, I have created a new  years resolution for myself. I have decided that in order to create a happier and healthier life for myself I want to find something every singe day to be thankful for. Maybe it won’t always be something different, but just to find something to always be thankful for no matter how dismal and depressing the day.  It is my goal to every day write something here, even just a little something to help myself see that there is always something to be thankful for in this world. And since I am starting after the year already did, I am planning on 365 days of Thankfulness; a Year of Thankfulness… my year of thankfulness.

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Day #1

Today wasn’t a particularly difficult day, but already I am thinking that I don’t know what to be thankful for today. But thinking about it, I want to dedicate the day to being thankful just that I am alive.  I spent two weeks in another country and have spent over 25 hours in one plane or another in the past two weeks.  And I have come home without a scratch (well, I guess I can’t say that, I have a couple scrapes and bruises, but nothing more than what I would have gotten just being at home).  After all the things that you hear happening to travelling people (and of course, mostly teenage girls traveling with school or friends), nothing terrible has happened and despite some particularly creepy people we have seen while over there, I have come home to my family and friends.

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I must say, that was not particularly, hard, but now the real challenge is to be able to take the time to do this every day. I just hope that I will be able to live up to my own challenge.  This is something that I know will help me :D so BRING IT ON! (weird how I’m kind of talking to myself…)

Twisted Fate

All of the "should have"s, "would have been"s, and "could possibly still be"s buzz in my head from time to time. I can't help but wonder and think and dream...

It's strange to think that you are over a break up, but still feel affection for the person. I am not one who hates and is spiteful, and pushes away all the bad memories. I will look on those memories and smile. I  have lost too many good friends, and too much precious time, in hate, and trying to use anger to forget love. Why would anyone wish to forget love? That is a better question.

It is strange to see that a relationship, not even nescessarily romantic, that has lasted years to dissipate in a matter of seconds, and soon that person is just another face in the crowd. Perhaps it is a face who's person's intimate details you are aware of, but that fact is pushed into the dark recesses of the mind so that we might not feel pain at the loss. We as human beings, creatures of a loving nature, could we not still remember the pleasant memories and not feel pain? Why is it so strange for me to smile at the memories? Why do others think I must stop reminiscing? I remember all of those memories and I can smile.

Love. Faith. Hope. I live my life by these things.
Faith in God, and in others as well as an innate good. Hope that all of the things I believe in are truly good. Love, because without it the other two might as well be dust in the wind.

At one point in time you and I were inseperable. People argue, but if they were able to be friends before, why can't we be that again?

My Darling Valentine

Do you remember that conversation we had that night? The one that made you cry...?
When I told you that I didn't trust you with how I felt because you had never hurt me before... and it was such a shock to me. I love you, but I didn't trust you. You cried that night, and pushed me away from you because you felt that you didn't deserve me. You cried, and we spent that night together, just the two of us, so that I could show you that I love you. That same night I realized that it would be okay to trust you again. Your remorse seemed so sincere... and I knew I could never be upset with you for long. I love you too much.
Do you remember our first valentine's day? We were hanging out by the pool after school, just relaxing and talking, lingering rather than walking home. Neither of us had valentines, and we were talking about it. You mentioned that you had never had a valentine before. I offered to be your Valentine. Your face lit up and you had me in a hug that was insanely long, tight, and uncomfortable.... I always laugh remembering that day. Every year after that we always had something special to say to each other on Valentine's day. This year? I sang you a song.
I'm sorry for daring to try to love another. I'm sorry for not simply sitting back and enjoying you. I dwelled in the past, and took that into the present thus making it dark and cold with the ghosts, rather than bright and happy like the love in our hearts. The love in my heart.
I gave you that bracelet, that wasn't finished, and you told me it was just like our story, unfinished. Our unfinished story.

I dedicated my song tonight to three types of people.

People who had never been sung a lullaby.
So that you would know that someone loves you. You are not alone. You don't have to build up walls and keep people out. I love you, will always love you, and I will always be here to comfort you when you need it.

People who like to believe that you can love someone forever in just one moment of time.
So that you would remember that moment in the movie theatre, that moment in the car, that moment in the park, that moment by the science building... all of our little moments and infinite amount of forevers.

and lastly...

People who know that even though you've finished a chapter, you still have the rest of the book to read.
So that I could have hope in the words that you yourself said: Our unfinished story. So many times I lose hope, than God reminds me about love and all of our happy times together, and I can smile again because he gives me back that hope. The you of the past gives me back the hope. Love. Your love gives me hope. It has for the past almost-four years, and it will continue to give me hope even when you're not around.

You said you've loved me for all of these years... I said I loved you too.
You said that you loved me even beyond the love of intimate friendship that I had for you and I brushed it off.
I don't believe that you've stopped loving me... I just believe you're hurt. We both are. I still love you though. I'm sorry that you have to feel pain. I would take it all away and carry it all myself if I could.

For you my darling valentine... You may not think you have one, or consider yourself mine, but you are my valentine. The person that I love despite all opposition... the person I love and cherish above all the rest. Happy Valentine's day. I love you, and I promised you I would always love you. You promised you would never forget.

I'll never forget you my valentine.
The one from freshman year, who was so excited and happy to have his first valentine.
The one from sophomore year, who was torn and confused but still willing to love me and let me love him.
The one from Junior year who listened to my stories of travel.
and most importantly the one from Senior year, who looked me in the eyes as we lay under the moon and stars in the dark of night and said, that he would always love me too.

Hear My Cry

I'm trying to reach out to you. To call out to you. You who once knew my heart mind and soul so well. Can you hear me crying out?
You have every right to ignore my call. After what I've done I don't blame you. I promise you I have changed though. I am no longer that confused little girl. I am still maturing, still changing, I still have childish tendencies, but I am now becoming a young woman. We have both changed, I should hope for the better. I'd like to believe that I have become a better person over the years. Remember when we talked about people changing? About how people have to change together?
In that I have changed too. For people to have a relationship they don't have to change together. They can change seperately. Everyone has good and bad in them. That saying that says people just can't get along because they "clash"? I believe it's all boulderdash. People can still be friends, if you try hard enough. We're all just a little too stubborn.

So here I am hoping to appeal to your better nature. I know it's been ages, but hear me? Talk to me? Let's be friends again because I miss our late night conversations that moved me to tears and our revelry in the day that taught me to fall in love with life.

Courage

Can I muster up the courage to talk to him? I'm not quite so sure... Valentines day so close and I remember this special holiday in the years past and I can't help but remember how happy he was to have my company on this day, and now this year I'm not so sure. All of this stemming from one decision to give a kiss and now my life has been forever changed.
I am tired of the fighting and the avoiding conversation. I am not sure if I can do this. I am trying to be patient, but I am torn apart. He is happy though and in that I am happy right? I am. In my sadness though I am not... if that could possibly be understood.

I am tired of all of this. I want to forget the past. Move on. Live in love. I want to move on and let him know that I love him -_-

Faith

We will never get back to the "pure and untainted love" that I've last written about. That will never be possible, the only place that love that I spoke of can exist is with God himself. We can still have a pure love though, a love that can fight everything from stupid teenagers that make me cry to the senility of old age.
To be avoided, to be happy and ignore the wall between us. I still miss his company, his laugh, the days when his eyes were the brightest blue. Now whenever I see them they are the steely blue that make me feel so cold. There are moments when they are bright again, and I can smile, and laugh. To see his eyes at all and I am happy.
I am constantly in prayer for what to do, for guidance and strength, and I am constantly reminded that "Love is patient". I am not a patient girl, but I am learning to have faith in what God tells me, what my heart tells me, and what you, my love, what you tell me. I must wait for you to be ready to talk to me, but my head is filled with doubts that you will never be ready. You do not lie though, so I must trust you that you will talk to me when you are good and ready, but for now I wait.
This is a cut, and we can either choose to let it heal raggedly untended and the scar rise above the skin or we can choose to heal it cleanly and the scar will fade away over time just like the scar on my arm.
You are my best friend, and I want to do everything in my power to never lose you, but God is telling me I must sit back and allow him to do his work.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have hope, and faith in you and your love for me, the love you said you had for me. Do you have faith in me too?

So here I am

Writing. Not that I know what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. There is so much going on all the time and I just can’t keep up with life. It’s always ‘this person against that person’ and ‘this person did this’ but ‘that person did that’ and things just get so confusing that it’s hard to know which way is up. And most of the time it’s nearly impossible to tell if the information you’re given is the whole truth or just something that has been passed along through the eyes of too many diluting it to something that is sort of, kind of, the truth but not really.

Then you get when things become so convoluted and somehow the different drama stories that you’ve been keeping up with this whole time start to become intertwined with one another. For example, I have two different friends, who like two different guys. Yet, these two different guys, both like the same girl. And she is one of those girls who goes on flirting with every guy she lays eyes on and leads them all on to think that they have a chance with her when really, she doesn’t want them. And in the process she’s hurting people and even though she KNOWS she’s hurting people she continues to do it anyway.

People come to me. All the time. And I listen. That’s easy enough. They start to ask me for advice and I must say, that’s a tad harder. I do my best, but I don’t know the secrets of the world, and I know nothing about guys. That’s what all these girls come to me about. Yet, I know nothing about this. I have no experience whatsoever. And while they all know this, they all seem to think that I know something that they don’t. As one girl so kindly pointed out when I tried to help her: I have no experience with anything like this anyway.

I do my best just trying to look at things from an objective point of view. So here I am, sitting, and hoping that the advice I am giving these girls is the right advice to give.

Will We Always Be This Broken?

I shouldn't have to censor my thoughts or words around my best friend. Because he is my boyfriend does that change things? Which (for lack of better diction) title takes precedence? Is he my best friend first and foremost? Or do I treat him as my boyfriend, watching what I do and say? If a combination of both what parts do I take from each?
Our first big fight and I've come to terms with it. I've forgiven him, but still I feel hurt and pain. Will I always feel this hurt? Will I remember this first fight for the rest of my life and feel the sting of past hurt? I'm afraid that he and I are too broken now. We are on the rocks, we're talking, saying our "I love you"s and exchanging kisses and holding hands and smiling as the world looks on us, but I feel the hurt still. I see it in his eyes and can feel it in how careful I am about what I say now. I don't want to be careful about what I say around him. He was supposed to be that person I could say everything to. Now I must be cautious? Now I must censor myself? Can I do that? Am I supposed to?

Will you and I get back to that pure sweet and untainted love that I knew for almost four years? Is that all lost now?

This Truth, That Truth

Honest people give off the sense of being honest people. Dishonest people you always outright distrust. It's the people inbetween that always give off the feeling of never quite being sure.
What happens though when two people who seem very honest, or in the least closer to the honest side of the inbetween scale, contradict each other? Who do you believe? What do you believe? What side does it come down to then? Which one are you supposed to trust when it comes to important matters?
Perhaps the question is rather that the two have opposing opinions, thus leading them to see the same event two different ways, therefore leading to two different truths. Is that possible then, to have two different truths?

A Thinly Veiled Conundrum

You and I have made up! Nick and I! Oh joy of joys and happy days, sweet truth, and liberation! We still have our tension, and our problems and we will never be the same.
This was our first fight, the first time he lied to me, the first time he ever made me cry or hurt me. This was the first time we both realized how little we know about each other, and the first time that i believe he saw what he was getting into. Things are still shaky, and tough, but I will still be myself around him. I made a mistake, and I have learned from it. Things will be hard, but we can do this.

I still think you should have kissed me right away instead of waiting so long, and making me tell you. I really didn't want to be the first one to kiss you this time, and technically I wasn't. It's okay though. It's still you and me together, the way it's supposed to be.

Nothing is Immutable

Nothing truly is immutable. One cannot change nothing, for once nothing is changed, it becomes something.

Now that that's over! Nothing is really unchangeable. Nothing on this earth at least. Things eventually change and develop. The prideful must stoop low and admit to wrongs they have done, and the humble must learn to accept a compliment graciously. In the past week I was torn, and broken. Towards the end as I began to pick myself back up, the problem slowly began to disappear. Breaking down, was not the healthiest thing to do. I am okay with that though. I needed to break down, to see where I was falling, and catch myself so that I could pull myself back up. Now I am stronger, happier, and more accepting. Perhaps this new year will bring a more constant flow of writing, and more positive writing as well?

I hope every day is bright and shiny for you! Every day is holds the opportunity to be different than the last, so make each and every day better than the last!

Old Friends

A good relationship; be it romantic, friendly or familial; is not one where you don't argue all the time. A good relationship is one where you have problems, and you're both strong enough to work through them, and still come out of it together, despite everything that happened in between. I need to remember this lesson. I know that I will forget it sometime down the road in my desire for things to be perfect. The issue is that I must remember the problems in life make us stronger both as individuals, and relationships.

Chip, chip chip!

Chipping away at hate is a long and arduous process. Hate is like a rock, it doesn't move, it stays still, and unless you try to push it away it will always be there. Pushing it away isn't too easy either mind you.
I'd like to believe that it's easy with love though. Love is like water, it runs smooth and still, and it fills the heart and soul wonderful and pure. Water can wash away at a rock until it is just dust at the bottom of the ocean, and can hold nothing and no one back.
I'd like to believe that deep down every man is filled with love. I'd like to hope that man lets the love flow from him to others, especially those who are carrying hate in their hearts, so that their rivers might flow with joy as well. It is a long and arduous process, but it is not impossible.
At the very core of himself, can man be a stone? Can he block himself out, and have been abused by the world so much that his heart is replaced by flowing water to a cold and unmovable stone? Or does the water still fight the rock, pushing it, searching for a weakness until it can start trickling through as droplets, then a stream, then a river, then finally back into a mighty ocean?

I Am At Peace

I needed that little breakdown I suppose. I needed to breakdown, see how far I've fallen, and then pick myself back up. After hours of reflection, meditation, and prayer, I finally know what I must do and accept it.
I have to love him, if he must see that I do.
I must be patient in waiting for him to be himself. I must be kind in my words and actions even when he's not around. I cannot envy his joy in my absence, or boast about my own. I cannot assume a sense of pride for anything connected to this problem between us. I cannot be rude towards him in the hopes of causing him harm, I cannot attempt to find happinness only for myself, especially if it is to cause him pain. I cannot be upset with him for feeling the way he does. I can't keep a record of wrongs, I must forgive him. I will not delight in this evil between us, but I will rejoice when the truth of love shines through. I must protect him in the few ways that I can, I must trust that for the past four years he truly loves me too, and perservere in my attempts to show him.
I must love him, and hope and pray that God will help me use my love to chip away at all the evil surrounding us. I can't let the devil win this fight, pull me away from my best friend. He's meant too much to me over the years, and God will help me see what is best.

I do honestly feel that this is not our end though. I have love, and therefore I have hope.

I love you Nick. I'll be here for you when you need me, but for now if you are happy without me, I am overjoyed that you are beginning to stand on your own two feet, and finally take charge and be happy with yourself. I am so proud of you.

You're Happy Without Me

i know you said i have hope


but the things he's been posting on his page

i dunno

Courtney said this isn't the end for us... she feels like this isn't how it's supposed to end for people who were so close

and Jeff said that nick said i have hope

when Jeff talked to him about it

but he seems so happy without me

that maybe it's been me holding him back all these years

courtney also mentioned it might be the influence of his band...

i've always felt like they weren't fond of me

so i suppose it's valid

but really. he seems happy without me

maybe it's better off, if i love him i should let him be

and be here when he needs me to be.
 
I wrote that all to Caroline. From everything you post on facebook, which in itself I find odd since you never went on much before, you seem so happy. Happy with yourself and life. It makes me wonder if it was me holding you back before. Has it been my fault all these years that you can't sleep, and that you hate your life? Am I the thing that has been holding you back from happiness?
Jeff said that you told him I still have hope. Were you just saying that?
 
You're my best friend. I have to have hope. Like the hope you gave me when we were up on that moment getting closer to God. The hope you gave me when you held me as I cried all those times. The hope I got each time you made me laugh, and each time you smiled at me. The hope you gave me when you held me. All that love and hope in our past.
 
Courtney is right. This isn't our end. It's just time for a new beginning.

I Want You Back

I realized I never said those words to you in my letter; the only form of communication you and I have had since the us became the you and the I. I wondered why, it was the truth and now still is. I love you, and I want you back in my life. I have to have you back in my life. I need you in my life, because without you I'm lost. Then why didn't I tell you?
I was afraid that you wouldn't want me back too. I didn't want to hear the truth, and now here I am doing what I can to get what I want, when I should be happy if you're happy. In a way I am, but I also want us to be happy together. Now after typing that I only feel so selfish, but it's true that I want you back. I'm being honest here. I was happy to hear that you actually took the time to read my letter at new years. Thank you for that. Thank you for not shutting me out then.
Today I couldn't help but smile and be happy. I remembered all of our happy times together, and I would laugh. You made comments in english that made me laugh and smile, and roll my eyes. In a good way mind you. I didn't roll my eyes because I thought you said something stupid... I rolled my eyes because it was just very you to make that comment.
Today I thought about Russia. The messages you sent me on facebook, and their ridiculousness. How hard that trip was for me. How just as if I had never been gone, I left Mr. Morgan's classroom after zero period, turned left, went around the building, and saw you. How I smiled, and ran to hug you. How you caught me. How I cried because I missed you. When I told you how ridiculous I felt for crying. I hadn't realized how much I missed you until I finally saw you. I remember how you told me how lost you felt without me around. Today I experienced that. You have always been my constant companion, and I never really noticed it until you were gone.  I miss my best friend.

I am afraid about being pushed away from you, but at the same time I know I will have to be honest with you if I am to have hope.

Stay Positive

I'm trying so hard to be positive. Really I am. I can't right now though. Not when you don't know that I love you. I can't feel positive when I don't have you to talk to, or your shoulder to cry on anymore. I miss your hugs, your laughs, and all those ridiculous jokes. I miss how you would make me feel better when things ended with all those other guys. How you would always try to cheer me up, and make me feel better about the whole situation. You're not here this time. Now you're on the other side. You're the one things ended with and I'm alone with no one to tell me things are going to be okay. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this one. I don't know if I'm strong enough to lose my best friend.
I don't know what else to do or say besides the fact that I love and I am so sorry.
Things changed so quickly that I didnt' even see them coming. It was too short. We were supposed to love each other for beyond forever and now I'm just lost.
I wish you were here at least to hold me while I cried. Instead I type away and get my keyboard all wet and salty because I don't want to write it out. Some strange pitiful hope that you'll read these someday, turn to me and tell me I don't have to worry about this happening ever again. That somehow we can exist again.
Part of me feels like a fool for even thinking such a thing, but the other part of me has to have hope. I have to have hope that the past four years meant something to you and you honestly love me. That your heart keeps no record of wrongs and can forgive me. I have to have hope that you and I can smile together again or else I dont' know what I'll do.
I'm scared, and I'm alone, and all I can do is cry when no one is around.
Scream, cry, and beg to the sky that you hear me. Scream your name into my pillow every night as tears run down my face and whisper that I love you when I can't scream anymore.

Nick, I love you. I miss you, I need you I want you. Be with me, love me, want me too, tell me you miss me too.
Hold me while I cry because I don't want anyone else to. Whisper in my ear that everything is going to be alright. Please tell me that we can get through this because I don't want to, I can't live life without you.

To Stay Away

To be asked to stay away from you? To pull away and ignore you? I don't know if I can do that. The forced proximity we will have that used to be desired will most definitely be a factor. That and perhaps I don't want to pull away. Such is life I suppose. I feel sick and twisted and confused, but then again I'm a teenage girl. What else is to be expected of me?
Still though I am determined. I have to have hope. Without it I'll be lost. I pull this hope from inside of myself now, instead of from you. My source of light and joy in my life. I have to find another place, and now I look in the place that I have been so afraid to look in for so long- inside of myself.
It's a dark and scary place, adn yet, I have to search here. Elsewhere I feel only desolation, so now where else is there to look? And now I know I'm stronger than I was before. I am challenged to look inside of myself and I realize just how amazing it is. I look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl growing into a beautiful young lady. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am beautfiul.

I never would have seen it if it weren't for you. Thank you.

Sunshine

Happy New Year to all of you who bother to read this!
May God bless and keep you and all of your loved ones!
Notice, I did not say family. For some family is your blood relatives, for others family is so much more than that... So to be sure that my meaning is clear, I truly do mean all of those who you love and keep dear to you. The end of my year suddenly hit me with a pang of hurt and sorrow, but who's to say that it won't make me stronger? This time I know my faults, and I will not take more blame than is my worth. I have cried, but I will not steep in my own sorrow. It is a new year, and the sun is shining.
I refuse to let that part of me that sees only the bad thrive. I have my hope, and that's all that is really needed. I look far too much to the negative, and now life is showing me that the negative is not who I was meant to be. I am loud and happy. That is who I choose to be.
The new year though does bring it's own challenge for me. My new years resolution, a challenge... If you know me at all it's quite obvious I would have picked something challenging for myself. If you truly know me you will also expect me to fail. This year though I feel something different. A strange determination fills my heart that I have not felt before. So now I will choose to be wiser, and think before I speak.
Yes, that is my new years resolution. I hope you do not think I will beging to censor my thoughts and words. Au contraire messiuer-dames! I will still voice out my thoughts and opinions when I deem it appropriate to. I believe that it is rather I will choose my words more carefully. The english language has words that have such careful connotations, and more often than not I ignore those connotations in my speech. So now I think before I speak in the hopes of improving who I am.
A new me, and a new year. How cliche. Well I suppose it's not to be helped, I'm quite the cliche person.