Mitchell-

You're ridiculous. Now that this has been established, I'm sorry. There were so many things I could have done differently, and we both know we're not at fault. I'm willing to own up to my mistakes. I never should have gotten so close to Tom. I never should have even come close to that situation. So many things that I could have done differently, so many things that could have gone right.
I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. I'm sorry that I'm not with you right this second, loving you the way I had wanted to, holding your hand, perfectly happy, and loving you.
I wanted that, all of that. To explore you as a person and to grow as me as a person and all of that.
I'm sorry that I'm a child, unknowledgeable, lost, and confused.
I can't even express this amalgam of emotions inside of me right now, the weight on my mind, on my shoulders, in my heart, pressing against me threatening to both explode and crush me all at the same time.
I will own up to my faults, because they were awful and I'm sorry for all of them. If you asked it of me I'll say them out loud and get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, if you were willing to do the same for yours.

Did you really think only a handful of days of you beginning to change was going to make up for the weeks of arguing and not seeing you and my own confusion?
Your pride, your stubborn quality, clashed with my own. I'll admit it. I am proud, I am stubborn, and I am a fool- but I am not fool enough that I would let it cloud my vision from the truth.
I understand you have priorities, as did I. You had your studies and your family, I had mine. You had your friends, as did I. I refuse to bend for my friends, I made changes in my habits with them to please you. I changed, molded, gave in, bent who I was, and sacrificed intimate times with people who were my friends for your own sake. For your comfort, for your joy. What was I to give you that I didn't give them you always asked me. What was I to give you?
I gave you effort. Time with them came effortlessly, it had to be worked at with you. They didn't have my kisses, my love, my heart in their hands. Friends are companions. I don't enter romantic relationships lightly I hope you understand.
I constantly think of you every day, and I miss you, but I know that you and I simply cannot be together no matter how much I wish it could be that way.
I met someone, and I love him, much like how I love you. This young man though communicates, doesn't shrug things off. He doesn't hide from me, we have so much in common. I am myself effortlessly with him.
He is my friend first and foremost and will always remain so. If it were in his best interests for me to simply be a friend, or even completely removed from his life then I would oblige because all I want is his happiness, much like what I want for you.
I love you Mitchell, and I want your happiness. Being with you forced so much effort out of me. I should have enjoyed that effort though. It should have been effortless to put effort into our relationship, instead it was a boon, and a bane to my existence during that time. This is why I simply can't be with you.

So now that I feel dejected, like an awful person, and go back and be reminded of my past and awful things, and secrets; Now that I hate myself just a little bit more, and am again reminded of my flaws, of my existence as a human being, I feel like curling into a ball and just lying there, thinking, hating myself, forcing myself to suffer, and I'll admit it right now I feel unhappy, but amidst all of this there are a few things that I know.

There are people who will love me regardless of this.

I love you regardless of this.

I want you to be happy.

With all of my love,
Paulina

P.S. I'm sorry if things are harsh, or accusatory, or whatever they come off as, even if it's something good. I just... Not thinking simply feeling, not censoring? I'm not sure even what to say. I'm just feeling very in the moment.