When one is in love, they say that you hold your heart in your hands (when they love you that is... well you get what I mean). So much love in the past year, and I stupidly enough only concentrated on mine! My english teacher got engaged, and soon he will be married. Best wishes to that relationship! May she be as pure as water, and may they have children as abundant as the grains of rice that fit in my hand! Okay... Maybe not that abundant.
So much more love, and I only saw mine. I only felt mine.
It is scientifically proven when people are emotionally attached they can actually feel what the other person is feeling!
When people are in love their reason drops dramatically too. Also scientifically proven.
Amazing what science does yes?
This is why marriage is sacred, you become partners, this person and you are so close. There is a saying I heard once that all people are angels, but we were only given one wing. To fly up to heaven we have to find our perfect match!
Earlier this day, for a little bit, I desperately missed Ryan, even though for a little bit, I've been fairly okay without him. Does that mean he misses me too? He's the one I think of every night before I got to bed. I tell our little TJ a bed time story, a time that Mommy and Daddy (Me and Ryan for those of you who don't know that already) had spent our time together, the things we did, what we talked about. There are so many things I want to talk to Ryan about! How even the cosmos are against us! Leo, a fire sign, and a scorpio a water sign? Both stubborn and the etc! How physical attraction is supposed to be in physical similarities in accordance with the face, where he and I are VERY different! The main traits were supposed to be the shape of the brow, the nose and the curve of the upper lip. Odd I know...
I've read our old im conversations, and wow our conversations have changed so much!
I'm sorry I couldn't finish. The real post date is the Twenty-ninth of June at 7:50 p.m.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson
The King of Pop. One of Charlie's Angels.
Two amazing people lost to the world. Admittedly one was given so much more importance, especially considering Michael Jackson's impact on the world. I did not know much about Farah other then her engagement, her struggles with cancer, and her role as an Angel.
I wanted to write a tribute to these two people, but honestly all I can think of is how while Farah got a few minutes on the news, Michael has been on the news nonstop. I admit his contributions to modern culture were much greater, but no life is of more value then another! Just a small point I would like to bring out.
Michael Jackson. To the younger generations he will be remembered for the crazy things he did that cast him in the negative light, rather then the amazing music he created, and the amazing things he did. The first African American to perform on MTV (he was originally denied, but a prominent company had threatened to pull their shares out if he was not allowed to perform), the man who co-wrote a song with Lionel Ritchie, (We Are The World? Was that it?), and a member of the Jackson 5! I admit, I have always seen him in the negative light, then listening to the radio today, and being told that all of these songs whose artist had originally been nameless to me, were all written and sung by him?! Man In The Miror, just to name one. that changed my mind so much. Being Famous makes people a little bit quirky, the more fame you get the worse it must be? I know that I in the least will not remember him simply in the negative light.
Farah Fawcett. A common household name, but not one well known in the younger generation. This amazing angel somehow kept herself untainted by fame, but instead of being a bit off she was hit with cancer. At one point she had seemed to be healed, and fully cured, then it returns, it assaults her. I cannot say much about her, because I admit, I too was so ignorant of her life and her work. Her name was a common one, adn I'm sure one that is familiar to the younger generation.
I don't know what else to say, I've left my thoughts sitting for too long!
Ryan! I love you! I miss you! I can't wait until you're back! I've realized that I don't need you to survive, but I know that I don't care if that's true, I still want you here next to me terribly so! I want to fall asleep with you in the forest by a campfire under the stars! I want to just hear your voice again! I want you to hold me close! I want to feel your heart beat again, to look into those eyes and see what I took for granted that I was able to see every day, and to kiss your lips again! Those wonderfully divine, yet so very mortal, lips! If only for a second right now to try and relive all the moments we have and to make new ones I would take it! I can only hope and pray that I can have more time with you!
I've told TJ about our stories at night, and he says that next time he wants to listen too! He was also listening when my mother was talking about Michael Jackson, and he wants to hear that music too.
I wonder, where you are, did you hear about their deaths? Did anyone care?
Two amazing people lost to the world. Admittedly one was given so much more importance, especially considering Michael Jackson's impact on the world. I did not know much about Farah other then her engagement, her struggles with cancer, and her role as an Angel.
I wanted to write a tribute to these two people, but honestly all I can think of is how while Farah got a few minutes on the news, Michael has been on the news nonstop. I admit his contributions to modern culture were much greater, but no life is of more value then another! Just a small point I would like to bring out.
Michael Jackson. To the younger generations he will be remembered for the crazy things he did that cast him in the negative light, rather then the amazing music he created, and the amazing things he did. The first African American to perform on MTV (he was originally denied, but a prominent company had threatened to pull their shares out if he was not allowed to perform), the man who co-wrote a song with Lionel Ritchie, (We Are The World? Was that it?), and a member of the Jackson 5! I admit, I have always seen him in the negative light, then listening to the radio today, and being told that all of these songs whose artist had originally been nameless to me, were all written and sung by him?! Man In The Miror, just to name one. that changed my mind so much. Being Famous makes people a little bit quirky, the more fame you get the worse it must be? I know that I in the least will not remember him simply in the negative light.
Farah Fawcett. A common household name, but not one well known in the younger generation. This amazing angel somehow kept herself untainted by fame, but instead of being a bit off she was hit with cancer. At one point she had seemed to be healed, and fully cured, then it returns, it assaults her. I cannot say much about her, because I admit, I too was so ignorant of her life and her work. Her name was a common one, adn I'm sure one that is familiar to the younger generation.
I don't know what else to say, I've left my thoughts sitting for too long!
Ryan! I love you! I miss you! I can't wait until you're back! I've realized that I don't need you to survive, but I know that I don't care if that's true, I still want you here next to me terribly so! I want to fall asleep with you in the forest by a campfire under the stars! I want to just hear your voice again! I want you to hold me close! I want to feel your heart beat again, to look into those eyes and see what I took for granted that I was able to see every day, and to kiss your lips again! Those wonderfully divine, yet so very mortal, lips! If only for a second right now to try and relive all the moments we have and to make new ones I would take it! I can only hope and pray that I can have more time with you!
I've told TJ about our stories at night, and he says that next time he wants to listen too! He was also listening when my mother was talking about Michael Jackson, and he wants to hear that music too.
I wonder, where you are, did you hear about their deaths? Did anyone care?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Today I Was Told...
That I have work to do. No not from my darling, but rather from my mother. I don't have any more e-mails to tide me over until he comes back. So I settle with hugging my baby TJ very very tightly, and seeing Ryan in my dreams.
I had just woken up, it's six thirty in the morning, and my mother tells me to get to work, and that I have a busy day ahead of me.
Why did I choose to do this again? Oh right, so that I could take French 3 during my junior year (the course at IVC is the equivalent of two years of highschool french), and so I could take AP Chemistry, and then AP Physics. Does this mean I will have no summer? In less then two weeks french starts, and I leave my home around 7:30. Eight thirty my french class begins, and then I sit and wait at IVC, perhaps do my AP homework for maybe 6 hours until 5:30 when my Chemistry class begins. I'll leave for home at 10:00. Yes classes end halfway through august, and I get two weeks of break before school begins, though I should say that one of those weeks will be spent doing tennis camp. Oh joy...
Someone tell me, am I crazy for spending my summer in this way?
In some ways I see how this will further me, and I'm proud of myself for making the mature decision, but as one in my youth, I wonder how I let my childhood pass me by. I should be enjoying a stress free summer, rather then spend it doing this. I have fridays and the weekends yes. With this schedule I will be alone a lot during the summer, that is all. No beach days with the friends, or movies, or the such. I will be doing homework. AP Chemistry homework, WHILE i'm taking chemistry. I feel so foolish for choosing this, even if it's good for me.
I had just woken up, it's six thirty in the morning, and my mother tells me to get to work, and that I have a busy day ahead of me.
Why did I choose to do this again? Oh right, so that I could take French 3 during my junior year (the course at IVC is the equivalent of two years of highschool french), and so I could take AP Chemistry, and then AP Physics. Does this mean I will have no summer? In less then two weeks french starts, and I leave my home around 7:30. Eight thirty my french class begins, and then I sit and wait at IVC, perhaps do my AP homework for maybe 6 hours until 5:30 when my Chemistry class begins. I'll leave for home at 10:00. Yes classes end halfway through august, and I get two weeks of break before school begins, though I should say that one of those weeks will be spent doing tennis camp. Oh joy...
Someone tell me, am I crazy for spending my summer in this way?
In some ways I see how this will further me, and I'm proud of myself for making the mature decision, but as one in my youth, I wonder how I let my childhood pass me by. I should be enjoying a stress free summer, rather then spend it doing this. I have fridays and the weekends yes. With this schedule I will be alone a lot during the summer, that is all. No beach days with the friends, or movies, or the such. I will be doing homework. AP Chemistry homework, WHILE i'm taking chemistry. I feel so foolish for choosing this, even if it's good for me.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Today I Was Told To Write Something
So I did! As I have every day since he's been gone.
As written in a pastel colored striped notebook earlier today:
3:13
I haven't been inside a library for so long. It's so eerily quiet, and I've seen stairs! I think I'll find a quiet place up there.
3:17
Each and every corner has been filled, so I am forced to stay in the open. In my attempt at silently standing out, I didn't choose a place in the open. did you see what I did there? No? Well neither do I! The first three pages of this notebook were meant to go to Nikki, something I never got around to giving her. Rather then writing to her, now I write to you, my readers. Should I rather say lack thereof? There is something different in my handwriting rather then typing. In my thoughts and flow I mean. Perhaps because these are my exact thoughts word for word. I speak much differently then how I think don't I? Why am I in a library you ask? Well I'm at IVC, located two blocks from my mother's work, (as well as yogurtland) having failed at getting intot he General Chemistry class I had wanted to get into. Everyone was so tall!!! >-< But I have another plan. I can't take public speaking, or that will surpass my credit limit for the term (H.S. students are only allowed eleven). There is an earlier chemistry class I can also petition for thought I'd betition for both classes over and over again until I get into one. Am I not a genius? No? Well probably not. I still have fifty three minutes tuntil mom is out and can get me.
3:46
I took a really long time to make a lotus flower. Hunter is texting me. Apparently he is sitting in the dirt... Nothing from Peder. I miss Ryan. I can't wait until he's back. Maybe he adn I can even hang out before french starts. Now I feel like I have nothing of pertinence to write.
I just realized Ryan's task for me today was to write! I've written every single day since he left. What he wrote for me today was just precious! I know he's having fun though, and I am the least of his thoughts. I'm just hoping he's owrking out instead of eating too much and getting flabby, and getting tan instead of getting burned.
Isn't it just terrible when you are seperated from someone, who even though you aren't seperated yet and you know it's coming, you miss them so much already even if they're right there? the worst part is you know you're going to have fun anyway?! It drives me crazy, even though it makes me smile to thnk he's enjoying himself. Still. I can't help but imagine everythign that could go wrong from sunburn to sinking!
After that I stopped writing. Left my lotus flower on that obscure, but not obscure table on the second floor of the library. I went to wait for my mom to pick me up. I tried to do nothing again. For at least twenty minutes. Instead I started rubbing a leaf to the beat playing in my head instead of just lying there... I'm really bad at doing nothing.
I don't have anymore letters from him for the rest of the week.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait until you're back, and even more back in my arms.
As written in a pastel colored striped notebook earlier today:
3:13
I haven't been inside a library for so long. It's so eerily quiet, and I've seen stairs! I think I'll find a quiet place up there.
3:17
Each and every corner has been filled, so I am forced to stay in the open. In my attempt at silently standing out, I didn't choose a place in the open. did you see what I did there? No? Well neither do I! The first three pages of this notebook were meant to go to Nikki, something I never got around to giving her. Rather then writing to her, now I write to you, my readers. Should I rather say lack thereof? There is something different in my handwriting rather then typing. In my thoughts and flow I mean. Perhaps because these are my exact thoughts word for word. I speak much differently then how I think don't I? Why am I in a library you ask? Well I'm at IVC, located two blocks from my mother's work, (as well as yogurtland) having failed at getting intot he General Chemistry class I had wanted to get into. Everyone was so tall!!! >-< But I have another plan. I can't take public speaking, or that will surpass my credit limit for the term (H.S. students are only allowed eleven). There is an earlier chemistry class I can also petition for thought I'd betition for both classes over and over again until I get into one. Am I not a genius? No? Well probably not. I still have fifty three minutes tuntil mom is out and can get me.
3:46
I took a really long time to make a lotus flower. Hunter is texting me. Apparently he is sitting in the dirt... Nothing from Peder. I miss Ryan. I can't wait until he's back. Maybe he adn I can even hang out before french starts. Now I feel like I have nothing of pertinence to write.
I just realized Ryan's task for me today was to write! I've written every single day since he left. What he wrote for me today was just precious! I know he's having fun though, and I am the least of his thoughts. I'm just hoping he's owrking out instead of eating too much and getting flabby, and getting tan instead of getting burned.
Isn't it just terrible when you are seperated from someone, who even though you aren't seperated yet and you know it's coming, you miss them so much already even if they're right there? the worst part is you know you're going to have fun anyway?! It drives me crazy, even though it makes me smile to thnk he's enjoying himself. Still. I can't help but imagine everythign that could go wrong from sunburn to sinking!
After that I stopped writing. Left my lotus flower on that obscure, but not obscure table on the second floor of the library. I went to wait for my mom to pick me up. I tried to do nothing again. For at least twenty minutes. Instead I started rubbing a leaf to the beat playing in my head instead of just lying there... I'm really bad at doing nothing.
I don't have anymore letters from him for the rest of the week.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait until you're back, and even more back in my arms.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Today I Was Told To Watch A Movie, Go Shopping, Or Do Nothing
And of course I get this AFTER I turn down my mother's offer to take us out to a movie...
I tried to sit in on my bed and do nothing. I failed. I couldn't do it, instead I got up and started CLEANING. Ugh, my room is clean now... it disgusts me. I kept wanting to get up and do something. I haven't meditated, or had the need to, in such a long time I can't seem to empty my mind anymore except for when I'm sleeping! Even then my mind is so active.
Last night I had a dream that I was fighting rabid bunnies off of a life raft. My life raft was neon green...
I listened to Contagious by Avril. I ended up playing it several times and dancing alone in my room in my shirt and undies. Yay!!! Oh cmon like you haven't done it before...
I listened to Color Everywhere, by Christian Bautista, and remembered all the moments that we've listened to that song together.
I listened to Ocean Avenue by Yellow Card. I absolutely love that song. It was the song I sang over and over on my way home from his house. He didn't know that before, and If he's reading/read this now he does!
Now I'm listening to Casting Crowns. BEST. WORSHIP. MUSIC. EVER.
-ahem-
So my question for today is : It is father's day, I should appreciate my Daddy. He's at work. WHY?!
Went to church today, praised that father (which in another topic I should remember to write about but If I do now I'll lose focus) and today my Daddy is at work. Why is life so easy for others? And hard for the rest? Why has my family fallen so far from the upperclass nationally known family we had once been? Now we're just another family in another american town. True we are far better off then so many others, but within my own conditioning I am used to so much more. I feel bad for my future husband, he has to support my wants and desires as to what I am accustomed to. Despite the fact that my family has lived in the states for seven years now we are still accustomed to keeping up the appearance of being a well off family to society. I'm sure the rest of my father's family sees us as poor. It's not my fault my father and mother didn't go begging to my grandmother for money like one of his elder brothers did. I said nothing. My mother's family on the other hand sees us as their support too. We help provide for my mother's mother, and my older brother. Of course they help support themselves, but we do what we can.
I wish that my father could afford a house, so that my grandmother and my brother could finally join us, and my mother could be happy that she is with her family too. I wish that he had more days off besides thanksgiving and christmas. I wish he didn't leave early in the morning, and come home late into the night. I feel so selfish for wanting all the things I do, and for having the lifestyle that I'm accustomed to. I feel so selfish, and spoiled. gah! I hate that about me.
Haha! My thoughts have brought me to this, and today he told me to spoil myself! Not directly but indirectly. Now I'm just feeling... Confewzzled?
E-bil. I like that word. Are there any cute words you like?
I tried to sit in on my bed and do nothing. I failed. I couldn't do it, instead I got up and started CLEANING. Ugh, my room is clean now... it disgusts me. I kept wanting to get up and do something. I haven't meditated, or had the need to, in such a long time I can't seem to empty my mind anymore except for when I'm sleeping! Even then my mind is so active.
Last night I had a dream that I was fighting rabid bunnies off of a life raft. My life raft was neon green...
I listened to Contagious by Avril. I ended up playing it several times and dancing alone in my room in my shirt and undies. Yay!!! Oh cmon like you haven't done it before...
I listened to Color Everywhere, by Christian Bautista, and remembered all the moments that we've listened to that song together.
I listened to Ocean Avenue by Yellow Card. I absolutely love that song. It was the song I sang over and over on my way home from his house. He didn't know that before, and If he's reading/read this now he does!
Now I'm listening to Casting Crowns. BEST. WORSHIP. MUSIC. EVER.
-ahem-
So my question for today is : It is father's day, I should appreciate my Daddy. He's at work. WHY?!
Went to church today, praised that father (which in another topic I should remember to write about but If I do now I'll lose focus) and today my Daddy is at work. Why is life so easy for others? And hard for the rest? Why has my family fallen so far from the upperclass nationally known family we had once been? Now we're just another family in another american town. True we are far better off then so many others, but within my own conditioning I am used to so much more. I feel bad for my future husband, he has to support my wants and desires as to what I am accustomed to. Despite the fact that my family has lived in the states for seven years now we are still accustomed to keeping up the appearance of being a well off family to society. I'm sure the rest of my father's family sees us as poor. It's not my fault my father and mother didn't go begging to my grandmother for money like one of his elder brothers did. I said nothing. My mother's family on the other hand sees us as their support too. We help provide for my mother's mother, and my older brother. Of course they help support themselves, but we do what we can.
I wish that my father could afford a house, so that my grandmother and my brother could finally join us, and my mother could be happy that she is with her family too. I wish that he had more days off besides thanksgiving and christmas. I wish he didn't leave early in the morning, and come home late into the night. I feel so selfish for wanting all the things I do, and for having the lifestyle that I'm accustomed to. I feel so selfish, and spoiled. gah! I hate that about me.
Haha! My thoughts have brought me to this, and today he told me to spoil myself! Not directly but indirectly. Now I'm just feeling... Confewzzled?
E-bil. I like that word. Are there any cute words you like?
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Today I Was Told To Write A Picture
So I did.It started as a line on my page, then a parellelogram, then i drew a graduation cap. That image seemed so... It was no longer sad, but not happy either. More sad then happy but not really sad. So then I drew a butterfly. Believe it or not I spent more time on that silly hat with my bad shading.
I signed my name at the bottom.
I drew two faces.
I failed at capturing his face. I have his high cheekbone, but everything else is not... him. For some reason I seemed to capture him better when I was doodling at an MUN conference and he was right next to me.
I drew that symbol with the two hearts. Then I made another attempt at drawing the two people. Still couldn't seem to really capture either of them. So I drew a small heart.
That made it that much better.
I drew a penguin.
Will you be my penguin Ryan Scott Wassenaar? Will you and I be mates for life like penguins do?
(unless something terrible should happen like like... an orca? What hunts penguins?)
I drew a california roll, because I was thinking of our first date. I would have drawn wasabi but it would have turned out like a lump of who knows what.
Beside it it in japanese translates to sushi oishii desu in hiragana. Sushi is delicious.
Finally in the bottom left hand corner, in katakana (because they aren't japanese words but rather english) I put ai rufu yu. In japanese the R sound is more like an L. Say it outloud? I lufu you. Close enough right?
I'm sorry but yes I did call last night.
His father picked up the phone. Oh me oh my was that a shock to me. Especially since after once ring i hear something about sailing and immediately my mind flashed to being submerged underwater and gasping for air. Old fear arisen from what I hope was meant to be just a little joke, or greeting. Or something of that nature.
When I was younger I took swimming lessons, one day I somehow had the energy to swim the length of an olympic pool. Keep in mind I was 5. The next day in the attempt to repeat the feat I tried again. A bit over two thirds through the lap I was too tired to continue and started to drown
Had a nice little chat, talked about their schedule, and wished them a good trip
I look at my emails and there is one from him. Telling me that today I should let my family know I love them. Tensions are high, so I washed the dishes. A small act and one they always tell me to do anyway. I think I didnt' succeed yesterday.
I look at my emails and there is one from him. Telling me that today I should let my family know I love them. Tensions are high, so I washed the dishes. A small act and one they always tell me to do anyway. I think I didnt' succeed yesterday.
Today he said thank you for his graduation gift. And during a day dream I imagined him holding each of the little birds in his hands and letting them fly away. Who knows what he will really do. Says he loves me, misses me, and at the moment he is suffering either on the plane or in a car. It makes me laugh and smile. It's like the notes I wrote for him while I was away at davis, freshman year. Ah it was just so wonderfully sweet. I miss him. I started to tear up several times today thinking of him. I also located my tear ducts today. Are there only one for each eye? Is it Are or Is? I'm confused...
It's hard not to cheat and read ahead... He sent sunday twice. And he only got up to monday.
I washed my sheets today. They are clean. TJ also got a bath, he is clean and fluffier then before.
I felt bad though putting him through the washing machine THEN the dryer... I know that's silly.
I can't stop thinking about him. I love him. And that was what was on my mind today, I'm sorry if that bores you. To me, it makes up a very significant portion of my world. He is a very significant part in my life.
Friday, June 19, 2009
The Littlest Things
A friend asking me how I'm doing.
An ounce of vanilla ice cream. My favorite.
These little things make me smile
Still not totally and absolutely fabulous in mood, but still. It's amazing how just the smallest things can make one person feel so much better.
Thirty six minutes into it, and now I'm dying to be there.
Not literally.
An ounce of vanilla ice cream. My favorite.
These little things make me smile
Still not totally and absolutely fabulous in mood, but still. It's amazing how just the smallest things can make one person feel so much better.
Thirty six minutes into it, and now I'm dying to be there.
Not literally.
Graduation Day
The last day of school. I spent it doing paper work, or trying to.
I found out that I have a B in my math class, much better then the F I had a few weeks ago.
I cleaned out the library, something I didn't really want to do.
I emptied my lockers and said my goodbyes. I avoided people, I dodged.
I was consoled by two loving friends, who at the end of the day weren't there. The last person I talked to was Mr. David Waldram. I ended with an A in his class.
I got B's in Science and Math, the other classes I'm sure are just fine. A's of course.
It's 1:13 right now. In 2 hours and 47 minutes graduation will begin. A celebration of the seniors... graduates... last four years of hard work. Their entrance into society.
A U.S. Senator once said that there's a reason why they call these commencement exercises. It is not the end, but rather a new beginning.
I've accepted that this is a new beginning for them, but I know it is not for me, rather it is a twist in the plot.
Today he leaves for nine days, and I will miss him.
I look up and I am watching a beautiful waltz by two dancers. A story of man and woman, forever chasing, forever pushign away, forever conflicting, but still flowing together into one dance. It ends and he has cast her off, and she is reaching out with the saddest look in her face as if grasping for a memory.
I know that I will grasp for a memory. For these memories I wish I could chase after them and relive them. I am smart and logical enough not to, but I know I will feel pain for them. For the fact that they have passed.
My sophomore year has ended. I am an upperclassman.
To you my seniors. Congratulations. I love you. I am proud of you all. Some of you have changed my life amazingly, and you are my role models. When you walk today, even though I may not be there, know that I am walking with you. Know that I am crying out of sadness because I will miss you, as well as crying for sheer joy to know that you will all lead amazing lives.
To those of you about to enter highschool, be brave, I cannot say it will be easy. Rather I tell you it will be hard, but you too, if you take advantage of your time, will also be amazing people one day.
To everyone else, we have yet to enter another chapter, rather we are continuing the one we are in.
Seniors again, Congratulations. It is 1:22 p.m. In 2 hours and 38 minutes, you will begin another chapter.
I found out that I have a B in my math class, much better then the F I had a few weeks ago.
I cleaned out the library, something I didn't really want to do.
I emptied my lockers and said my goodbyes. I avoided people, I dodged.
I was consoled by two loving friends, who at the end of the day weren't there. The last person I talked to was Mr. David Waldram. I ended with an A in his class.
I got B's in Science and Math, the other classes I'm sure are just fine. A's of course.
It's 1:13 right now. In 2 hours and 47 minutes graduation will begin. A celebration of the seniors... graduates... last four years of hard work. Their entrance into society.
A U.S. Senator once said that there's a reason why they call these commencement exercises. It is not the end, but rather a new beginning.
I've accepted that this is a new beginning for them, but I know it is not for me, rather it is a twist in the plot.
Today he leaves for nine days, and I will miss him.
I look up and I am watching a beautiful waltz by two dancers. A story of man and woman, forever chasing, forever pushign away, forever conflicting, but still flowing together into one dance. It ends and he has cast her off, and she is reaching out with the saddest look in her face as if grasping for a memory.
I know that I will grasp for a memory. For these memories I wish I could chase after them and relive them. I am smart and logical enough not to, but I know I will feel pain for them. For the fact that they have passed.
My sophomore year has ended. I am an upperclassman.
To you my seniors. Congratulations. I love you. I am proud of you all. Some of you have changed my life amazingly, and you are my role models. When you walk today, even though I may not be there, know that I am walking with you. Know that I am crying out of sadness because I will miss you, as well as crying for sheer joy to know that you will all lead amazing lives.
To those of you about to enter highschool, be brave, I cannot say it will be easy. Rather I tell you it will be hard, but you too, if you take advantage of your time, will also be amazing people one day.
To everyone else, we have yet to enter another chapter, rather we are continuing the one we are in.
Seniors again, Congratulations. It is 1:22 p.m. In 2 hours and 38 minutes, you will begin another chapter.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
So It's Just Right
So today again I had another fantasy. Riding away and perhaps he'd follow. No of course not, now why would that happen? So no fairy tale story for me. I think that I am totally okay with that. No, rather I know that I am absolutely totally okay with that.
Today I ditched school. Nothing too treacherous, especially since honestly nothing really happened in my classes.
I spent the day with Ryan. The day before his graduation. Yay. Graduation. My man is becoming an adult. I'm getting ready for my courses at IVC. Somehow, for some reason, today was so right. I left Ryan's place early, his mom was coming home, and then I went to Maki Yaki. I had one serving of California rolls, with my side of sumi salad. Water was good. It was all good and delicious. Now I'm watching Hoodwinked, which is just an awesome movie. It brings so much reality into a fairy tale, and it's STILL a fairy tale. I adore it.
I spent a lot of time with him today. I can smell him on my skin.
Tomorrow they all graduate. Tomorrow he leaves for a couple weeks. Today he packs. Today he and I were together one more time. One last time for a long time. Last night we talked on the phone. Last night I cried and he was cold. Last night for once we worked a problem out together.
Right now I'm thinking of the things I have left to do, and I'm looking at all the things around me. No matter how odd today may have been, it was so right.
On top of all that I played Tomorrow from Annie on the piano as well as the one song that's all, "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." Oh yeah. Somewhere Over The Rainbow...
I took that video there just last week. Look at how blissfully happy we are. Were. I'm sure we'll still be wonderfully happy. I took that video to preserve a memory, when I started taking it I had initially just wanted a recording of his smile, and that's just what I got. Isn't he just the best?
I think he is so THERE.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Fantasy
Throughout my life I have had fantasies. What girl doesn't? I've had dreams that never came true, and things I hope to be that never were. I fantasize. It is my downfall. The real world never seems good enough, and my fantasies grow less and less wonderful as I get older.
For once I wished my fantasies would come true, and come alive, but here I sit in a pool of tears. Not a single fantasy being reality.
I'm tired of chasing, I'm tired of not knowing what to do.
I should have ignored the voices in my head and stopped being so logical.
I got what I wanted but I cried because of it.
To those of you who read this who still fantasize. In my pain through reality I wish I could tell you to stop your fantasizing and get in touch with the real world, in the hopes of lessening your pain. I cannot though. My fantasies are my escape, even though their existence makes the return to the real world so hard, they are my times of bliss. Those fleeting moments where soma exists.
I got exactly what I had said I wanted. I cried for hours afterward.
It is not that I don't have faith in "us". Rather I do not have faith in me.
For once I wished my fantasies would come true, and come alive, but here I sit in a pool of tears. Not a single fantasy being reality.
I'm tired of chasing, I'm tired of not knowing what to do.
I should have ignored the voices in my head and stopped being so logical.
I got what I wanted but I cried because of it.
To those of you who read this who still fantasize. In my pain through reality I wish I could tell you to stop your fantasizing and get in touch with the real world, in the hopes of lessening your pain. I cannot though. My fantasies are my escape, even though their existence makes the return to the real world so hard, they are my times of bliss. Those fleeting moments where soma exists.
I got exactly what I had said I wanted. I cried for hours afterward.
It is not that I don't have faith in "us". Rather I do not have faith in me.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Sharreign
Her name is pronounce Sha-Rin. She is in the first grade? or kindergarten? Honestly I still am not sure. She is younger than I was, but older than Sam was when we first came to the States. She is my little cousin.
At first my family pitied her a little bit. She was the child of the woman he married. The one that was not really his. He couldn't talk to her, she didn't speak english, and he doesn't really seem like he wants to. Though his child is spoiled, with new clothes, new toys, things she still couldn't use, and books she was too young to even attempt to read. The child can only count with her fingers, not even with her voice, and the only word's she says are Mama, and Turtle.
Don't get me wrong. I love both of my little younger female cousins. I love all of my cousins. These two though I have taken a special interest in. They are closer, I see them more, and I adore them, and feel sorry for them all in one.
My uncle is not one to settle down, he partys too much, but it seems he has toned it down a bit. My aunt is wonderful, but so young, only a year older then my brother. When she was in diapers, her husband was in college.
Shareign just got pulled into all of this. She's so inquisitive, so curious, and she loves her sister so much and always wants to spend time with her. She sets some of her sweets aside to share. All these things I never would have done for sam.
At first people in our family pitied the little girl, she used to be the darling of her mother's family, now with her new family here in the states, she is just the outside child, who is obviously NOT favored, but rather her little sister is.
Now they say she is annoying just because she asks for attention. Is it such a problem that she wants attention? You must remember she is no older then six, and is used to being the ONLY CHILD in a large filipino family.
They talk about her when she is not around, and my sister and I have been given the task of being role models for her. I encourage her good behavior, and condemn her bad yes, but when she asks of my attention I will give it to her. I will give it to her with all the love an older sister would. I didn't get the chance to be good to my sister like she is to hers. They are my little cousins, and I love them.
Today is my brother's birthday.
Last night I cuddled up with Ryan's jacket, then used it as a blanket and fell asleep.
It still smells like him.
Jared is an amazing friend.
At first my family pitied her a little bit. She was the child of the woman he married. The one that was not really his. He couldn't talk to her, she didn't speak english, and he doesn't really seem like he wants to. Though his child is spoiled, with new clothes, new toys, things she still couldn't use, and books she was too young to even attempt to read. The child can only count with her fingers, not even with her voice, and the only word's she says are Mama, and Turtle.
Don't get me wrong. I love both of my little younger female cousins. I love all of my cousins. These two though I have taken a special interest in. They are closer, I see them more, and I adore them, and feel sorry for them all in one.
My uncle is not one to settle down, he partys too much, but it seems he has toned it down a bit. My aunt is wonderful, but so young, only a year older then my brother. When she was in diapers, her husband was in college.
Shareign just got pulled into all of this. She's so inquisitive, so curious, and she loves her sister so much and always wants to spend time with her. She sets some of her sweets aside to share. All these things I never would have done for sam.
At first people in our family pitied the little girl, she used to be the darling of her mother's family, now with her new family here in the states, she is just the outside child, who is obviously NOT favored, but rather her little sister is.
Now they say she is annoying just because she asks for attention. Is it such a problem that she wants attention? You must remember she is no older then six, and is used to being the ONLY CHILD in a large filipino family.
They talk about her when she is not around, and my sister and I have been given the task of being role models for her. I encourage her good behavior, and condemn her bad yes, but when she asks of my attention I will give it to her. I will give it to her with all the love an older sister would. I didn't get the chance to be good to my sister like she is to hers. They are my little cousins, and I love them.
Today is my brother's birthday.
Last night I cuddled up with Ryan's jacket, then used it as a blanket and fell asleep.
It still smells like him.
Jared is an amazing friend.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Flannel Shirt That Is Now A Jacket
Today was the last day for seniors at THS. Everyone rejoices because it is the last day of school. The seniors especially, they don't have to return, they are entering a new phase in their life. They continue on to a new chapter, and ending this one. This crazy one called highschool, the life of a teenager, youth, what adults all say they want to go back to, and they are happy that it's over. Graduation is a day from today, and I am not strong enough to go.
I'm not strong enough to see the people that I've spent the past school year getting to know, getting to love, move on. I know this might seem selfish, or self centered, but all I can think of is that they're leaving me behind. That I'm left here with few friends. True to some I have many friends, but for some insane reason unknown to me I feel so alone.
I didn't know what to write in Ryan's yearbook. I've broken up with him... because I couldn't bear having to say goodbye, so instead I said it earlier? I see no logic in it either. During break today I was laughing with my friends. Something clicked in my mind, and I realized that next year I will be alright. I will have friends, I will be distracted, and I will forget those who have comforted me so much in the past year. The ones who are gone.
Ryan said he knows that I will be alright without him. Somehow I can't imagine it, though I have caught glimpses and I know I will be, I don't wish to admit it. For once in my life I'm stubborn, I don't want change anymore. I didn't know what to write in his yearbook because I don't know how to say goodbye.
I took his flannel shirt from him, though he uses it as a jacket, during lunch.
Today he was wearing somethign terrible! The black shirt that I really like, beneath some plaid-ish black and grey polo shirt and then THIS flannel shirt over it all. Worse part is the flannel shirt and the polo are very similar colors, therefore they clash! Absolute fashion faux paus. The most wonderful part of it all is that he did it on purpose. It's so wonderfully Ryan.
During fifth period after lunch, Theatre, I told Kuya Jonathan that I just might keep this jacket for myself because it's ugly, it looks bad on him, and I like it.
Then the bell rings, I rush off to Tennis, I change, and stuff the shirt into my locker deep in the girl's locker room where he cannot reach it! I see him, I hug him, I say hello. I see his best friend, scream "Urian!" In my little voice run over to him and kiss him on the cheek. Oh he reminds me so much of Manong Anton. Ryan asks if he can have me. Then straight out if we can go out. Be together. Officially a couple. Again. Then in my little way I dart about him weaving in and out of the spaces made by his arms and body. Laughing and asking him why I would do that? It's summer! I'm sure I made no sense. I was dodging.
Urian just wanted him to get his jacket back. I said no, and ran off to tennis. There was another small little (I don't want to say heart attack but one of my little heart problem things) and all I wanted was for him to hold me tight. Practice finally ends, I've been so nervous with no one to hold on to while my heart is pounding away furiously and all of those damned needles in my chest that my nails are bitten again... and he's gone ofcourse.
I was dodging. How I had wanted to say yes and scream it to the world. In breaking up with him though. In removing the fact that we had been an official couple, I've pushed him away a little bit, and I'll cry that much less when it finally hit's me that I don't belong in his world anymore, and he doesn't belong in mine.
I love this flannel jacket though. It means eventually again our worlds have to collide so that he can come and get it. To see him again I'm putting all of my hopes on one jacket...shirt...thing.
That was not as strong an ending as I had hope for.
I'm not strong enough to see the people that I've spent the past school year getting to know, getting to love, move on. I know this might seem selfish, or self centered, but all I can think of is that they're leaving me behind. That I'm left here with few friends. True to some I have many friends, but for some insane reason unknown to me I feel so alone.
I didn't know what to write in Ryan's yearbook. I've broken up with him... because I couldn't bear having to say goodbye, so instead I said it earlier? I see no logic in it either. During break today I was laughing with my friends. Something clicked in my mind, and I realized that next year I will be alright. I will have friends, I will be distracted, and I will forget those who have comforted me so much in the past year. The ones who are gone.
Ryan said he knows that I will be alright without him. Somehow I can't imagine it, though I have caught glimpses and I know I will be, I don't wish to admit it. For once in my life I'm stubborn, I don't want change anymore. I didn't know what to write in his yearbook because I don't know how to say goodbye.
I took his flannel shirt from him, though he uses it as a jacket, during lunch.
Today he was wearing somethign terrible! The black shirt that I really like, beneath some plaid-ish black and grey polo shirt and then THIS flannel shirt over it all. Worse part is the flannel shirt and the polo are very similar colors, therefore they clash! Absolute fashion faux paus. The most wonderful part of it all is that he did it on purpose. It's so wonderfully Ryan.
During fifth period after lunch, Theatre, I told Kuya Jonathan that I just might keep this jacket for myself because it's ugly, it looks bad on him, and I like it.
Then the bell rings, I rush off to Tennis, I change, and stuff the shirt into my locker deep in the girl's locker room where he cannot reach it! I see him, I hug him, I say hello. I see his best friend, scream "Urian!" In my little voice run over to him and kiss him on the cheek. Oh he reminds me so much of Manong Anton. Ryan asks if he can have me. Then straight out if we can go out. Be together. Officially a couple. Again. Then in my little way I dart about him weaving in and out of the spaces made by his arms and body. Laughing and asking him why I would do that? It's summer! I'm sure I made no sense. I was dodging.
Urian just wanted him to get his jacket back. I said no, and ran off to tennis. There was another small little (I don't want to say heart attack but one of my little heart problem things) and all I wanted was for him to hold me tight. Practice finally ends, I've been so nervous with no one to hold on to while my heart is pounding away furiously and all of those damned needles in my chest that my nails are bitten again... and he's gone ofcourse.
I was dodging. How I had wanted to say yes and scream it to the world. In breaking up with him though. In removing the fact that we had been an official couple, I've pushed him away a little bit, and I'll cry that much less when it finally hit's me that I don't belong in his world anymore, and he doesn't belong in mine.
I love this flannel jacket though. It means eventually again our worlds have to collide so that he can come and get it. To see him again I'm putting all of my hopes on one jacket...shirt...thing.
That was not as strong an ending as I had hope for.
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