I never...

...told him that i loved him
Or showed him that i cared
I never ever held him close
I never would have dared...
I never hugged him out of joy
Or even out of sorrow
I never ever would have thought
I wouldn't see him tomorrow
I never held his hand in mine
Or had mine in his...
I never ever would have thought
I'd never get that kiss
I never thought he'd leave me
Or that he'd make me cry
I never ever believed that
I could be so ever shy
I never sat in that tree with him again
Or walked on down that lane
I never ever thought we wouldn't havve the chance
I am a stranger to this pain
I never thought that i would smile
Or laugh in those final moments
I never ever dreamed
I would miss those moments spent...
I never thought my dearest friend
Or my love as you could call him
I never ever gave such notice
I never let it cross my mind...
That my dearest friend
who watched me so silently
That my very dearest love...
That he'd so soon leave me


I'm never going to get over Masaya... I'm going to stop writing about it maybe, and talking about him as much... but... It's so hard to find friends like Masaya Chihara ♥ to find someone who can annoy me so much, yet i can so easily fall in love with.

Every Kiss, Every Moment, Each and Every Glance

Smiling at each other...
shyly from across the room.
the first time that their eyes meet
and they look away quickly with a bashful smile
and rosy red cheeks
the first time their hands touch
just a moments stroke
but the beginning of a lifetime's many moments
the first time they speak to each other
two voices harmoniously joining
laughing with each other like bells
the first time their lips touch
an awkward moment for the both
but a smile from ear to ear
on both of their faces
when they finally part.
anger. frustration. sadness.
now all the author has to do is write the ending.
or can the charachters write this ending themselves?

Someday

i don't want the world to see who i really am... I don't want them to see the girl who cries herself to sleep at night... the one who cries over things hidden deep and pushed far to the back of her heart... I don't want them to know who i really am, what i really feel, what i really do think about... The world could never understand who i really am though... i wish i had someone who knew the real me. who knew what i really am. who i am after peeling away all the layers of lies. i want someoone to know who i am, and to love me as the vulnerable little child i really am
It hurts to think that other people can't understand though... But I am a strong independent young lady. I was raised with manners, and to be polilte, but because I live in the modern day, i am also strong. Everyone is afraid to let the world see who they really are, who they are when no one is looking. I want someone to see who I am when no one is looking, I want to be able to be the real paulina. Paulina who thinks differently then everyone else.
One day I will do amazing things, and the people who never understood me will wonder how I did it.
Truthfully, I will wonder as well.

My Perfect

I always thought i'd be ordinary
i never thought i'd be extraordinary
you make me feel as if i could fly
though night after night still i'd cry
then you kept telling me i was beautiful
making me feel more and more wonderful
still though i didn't believe in myself
shoved my heart to the back of that shelf
then you told me i was strong
that i have been all along
still in the back of my own little mind
courage was something that i couldn't find
and still you kept saying how smart i was
i'd laugh and show off and make all this fuss
but somehow i kept saying i knew
that if i was really smart i'd see things through
the most outrageous one was perfection
calling me perfect as if it were some common infection
the funny part is... at this point i started to give in
i'm just telling you now that you're about to win
I'm not beautiful, strong or perfect
sometimes i feel as if i had some defect
but you... you make me feel
as if all those things about me were real.
when i'm with you i feel beautiful
whispering in my ear that i'm wonderful
when i'm with you i feel strong
because i know that you've been there all along
when i'm with you i know i'm smart
because i chose to give you my heart
when i'm with you, it may not be everyone's perfect
but you know what?
it's mine.

Heart Beats

A simple string
on an every day instrument
to me thought
it is more
it makes a sound
reverbrating through my body
it sounds different dependoing on who plays
it is a beautiful melody
a song that single note
it's so hard to explain
but... the notes i play
continue through my soul
they are my heart beats.

My Purpose

i know i'm sourrounded by those i love
i am after all
the child of my parents
it's those people that i continue to live for
it's the love for them that keeps me
from flying from a cliff
even if depression
and melancholy sourrounds me
still i continue to smile
it's because of people like you
those who are there
who don't leave me or break my heart
there are few i loveand many who love me
but still few loves beats the many
because tis not quantity
but quality as they say
of the people who love me
and gladly enough
you are part of the few
so smile for me and i will smile for you

That Cursed Broken Heart

Question:
My insides are breaking...Then why am i waiting??
Torn between to lives of love
One you love
yet also hate.
It loves you... or so it says.
But is it you,or is it your shoe?
The other cannot be described,
but has not yet been perscribed.
Someone said a broken heart...
would sting at first,
then make you stronger.
why does the pain then remain??
Are we cursed to learn from a constant reminder?
or does it finally leave...and make us stronger?

My poem and reply:
listen my friend and listen well
for my tale is sad to tell
you fall in love, the world is right
but then you lose all sense and sight
your heart is shattered the pain is there
and you feel as if no one else cares
you thought you loved them,
but your world is gone
the things you do, really aren't fun
the pain remains, it may subside
but don't take it as reason to hide
it lives on in our memory, and everything we do
could make it come alive, i feel it to
i remember the way he used to stroke my hair
acting as if he really cared.
even if the memory lingers still...
and screams in our ears so loud and shrill.
we grow stronger with each passing day
as we move on our friends still stay
they stay to comfort us, and help us go strong
soon it won't be very long
until even if the memory is there
soon you won't even care
ofcourse it will hurt, daggers through your heart
but take it as a reason for a new start
because even if it never leaves, and seems to torture us so
this memory, this experience makes us want to go...
out into the world to experience new things.
making us stronger for what the world will bring

Freedom

i hate it when they scream...
get so mad they start to cry.
so heated. so angry...
so... against each other.
people that want to be together.
but yet they can be so mad at each other
so hateful.
so spiteful.
over stupid.
mortal.
earthly things.
like money. material things.
they're telling him to grow up
to learn to be an adult
telling him to earn their trust.
a point well made.
but. now i have to feel the backlash.
to be around them while they're upset
to hear their screams up close...
there's no where for me to hide...
no where for me to go...
this is why sometimes i want to die.
sometimes... death is the only escape.
but... then i would have to face the unkown
and unkown possibly worse than this...
what could be worse than this though...
hearing people who love each other so much...
say they miss each other
but.. still.. be so angry at each other... so...
so heated...
i wish i could find a place to hide...
or at least someone with comforting words...
i have a place to hide, but it's so very far away.
it would take me hours to walk.. but it might be worth it...
just to hide. to be alone
with my own thoughts. to try and forget.
but... still... i need someone to hear me.
to listen to my tears fall to the ground.
to hold me until i stop.
to tell me that everything is all right.
but now all i have is a faraway place to hide.
someday i'll escape. someday...
someday i'll be free.

I'm Confused About Who This Poem Is About

he used to make me smile you know...
a sweet gentle smile. not as if i was happy.
yes.. as if i was happy, but the smile he made me do
was different than a normal smile.
i felt calm and peaceful.
he's a moody guy this friend of mine.
He's so much older than me though.
two maybe three years.
his smile was sweet but it made me smile too.
to see him smile like that.
but most of the time he was moody
he would just stare off at the sky
as if.. he thought...
if he kept staring...
he'd be swept away to some far off place.
i think he had been swept off though
lost in his own thoughts.
i remember looking at the stars with him.
smiling at him
talking to him
laughing with him
both of us different from our friends...
different from each other...
but still so much a like.
the way he took care of me.
he made me feel just a little bit more special.
as if sometimes it was only just him and me.
but... after his 4th year. he's going home.
land of the rising sun.
i've always wanted to go there.
maybe i'll go there someday
see him again
laugh with him
talk with him...
he'll probably scold me again
for being so childish and stubborn
but... i think he likes my childlike qualities
and my stubborn attitude.. sometimes...
i just hope that he misses me when i miss him.
sometimes i wonder what would have happened..
if...

Show Someone You Love Them Today

Right now, this very minute... someone is very proud of you someone is thinking of you someone cares about you someone misses you someone wants to talk to you someone wants to be with you someone hopes you aren't in trouble someone is thankful for the support you have provided someone wants to hold your hand someone hopes everything turns out all right someone wants you to be happy someone wants you to find them someone is celebrating your successes someone wants to give you a gift someone thinks you ARE a gift someone hopes you are not too cold, or too hot someone wants to hug you someone loves you someone wants to lavish you with small gifts someone admires your strength someone is thinking of you and smiling someone wants to be your shoulder to cry on someone wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun someone thinks the world of you someone wants to protect you someone would do anything for you someone wants to be forgiven someone is grateful for your forgiveness someone wants to laugh with you about old times someone remembers you and wishes you were there someone needs to know that your love is unconditional somebody values your advice someone wants to tell you how much they care someone wants to stay up watching old movies with you someone wants to share their dreams with you someone wants to hold you in their arms someone wants YOU to hold them in your arms someone treasures your spirit someone wishes they could STOP time because of you someone can't wait to see you someone wishes that things didn't have to change someone loves you for who you are someone loves the way you make them feel someone wants to be with you someone hears a song that reminds them of you someone wants you to know they are there for you someone is glad that you're their friend someone wants to be your friend someone stayed up all night thinking about you someone is alive because of you someone is wishing that you would notice them someone wants to get to know you better someone believes that you are their soul mate someone wants to be near you someone misses your guidance and advice someone values your guidance and advice someone has faith in you someone trusts you someone needs your support someone needs you to have faith in them someone needs you to let them be your friend

This just might be the longest way that i have ever heard someone say "Someone out there loves you." Everyone has someone like that. Someone who does love us. Wether it's a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, your parents, your best friends even. We're sourrounded by people who love us and care about us. Some people though are unfortunate enough not to. How a parent couldn't love there child I don't know.
Even in ancient china where girls were considered worthless until they had a son, mothers and fathers cried as their children finally left the family to be married. Even in a place and time where girls were worth nothing they were loved. So how can it be today, where the gender limitations are being broken that so many children are abused, and disregarded? Some children are driven to insanity or have mental disorders because of parents who just didn't care.
If there's someone that you meet, who feels like no one loves them or cares for them, reach out a hand. Tell them that you could be their friend, that you could care about them and love them, if they just give you a chance. Show them that people on earth actually care.

Classic Love Stories Of The Modern Day

Girl: Do i ever cross ur mind
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Choose--me or ur life
Boy: my life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mindThe reason why I don't like you is because I love you.The reason I don't want you is because I need you.The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

This is the classic love story that gets passed on from teen to teen through blogs, emails, bulletins. We see this same story continually, some different versions but yes. The girl asking the boy questions to prove his love for her adn each time she says no. She runs off crying. He runs after her, grabs her arm, adn gives a long romantic explanation for each one. We pass this story on only becuase... we wish that this would happen to us... and for you guys you wish that you could find a girl who you'd be willing to do this for.we're only teenagers, but we think we know so much about love. What do we know about love really? Only what we see in the movies and what we've read about in books. We've never really experienced that burning love. We feel attraction, a lust. a close bond of friendship. Maybe this is a type of love, but one that we do not exemplify in this classic story.We can't possibly feel that instant love, because there is no instant love. There is instant attraction and instant lust, but love has to grow and be nurtured. That attraction and lust is like seeds. The conversations and time we spend with that significant other is like water and sunlight. The soil in which they are planted is your heart.
The time you spend with that person could be strong, or weak, thus changing the amount of sunlight the seeds get. You're conversations with them could pull you closer or push you farther apart. there is no instant love, how could there possibly be? You can't say you love someone after knowing them for only a month. You could say that you're attracted to them, and that you might fall in love some day, but you can't say that you love them.
I love you are three of the most powerful words in the world. love being the key to their strength. If you say those words though, without thinking, without knowing, just saying them as if they meant something but knowing that they really are empty then... you just shattered someones heart. Even if they didn't love you, they felt like they could love you.
Maybe someday we could feel a burning love in this story that has been continually passed on, maybe we could feel that way for someone someday, not in just a friendly way, or a brotherly or sisterly way, but truly in a way that would make us see a future with someone. but in the mean time let us content ourselves with passing this love story on, let us be happy in knowing that someday we'll get married, have kids... fall in love. let's just continue on through life taking whatever it throws at us, finishing our homework, doing our jobs. Because love will find us someday. Someday it'll find us all...

Mah Trio. Mah Friends. Mah Guyz. Mah Boyz. Mah memories

My two best friends here in Tustin. They're my guyz, my boyz. They have my back. We're a trio, we're like the three musketeers but one of us is a girl. We're like hewey dewey and lewie together forever but again one of us is a girl. We're that trio you stare at as they walk through the mall because they're laughing so loudly but they don't seem to care. We're those three wierdos at school who are always hugging each other and messing around. We're that trio that asks each other if we look okay and change if we don't. We're that trio that has their own special walk as they go to school, the one that hangs out at each others houses THEN heads to school. We're the ones who can jokingly tease each other and not get upset. We're some of the closest friends you could EVER find... We're starting to split up a little.
Blake and i met during orchestra class in the 7th grade. Quickly i grew to enjoy his company and childish antics. He fell in love with the way i smiled. We slowly begun to know each other, to notice each others antics and how we both joked around. We talked about getting glasses different hairstyles, things i would normally talked to a girlfriend about and thinks he would have regularly kept to himself. We grew a bond of closeness. Rumors started going on that we were going out and we ignored them. When another classmate in orchestra started courting me he warned me about him. When i didn't listen he persisted. When that classmate cheated on me he was there to listen to me and eventually help me get my revenge. We became close friends through the most tumultous part of our lives so far. We're still in the middle of that time but it will pass and hopefully we'll still be friends. His best guy friend moved away to utah and he was heart broken. His new best guy friend is actually a friend i introduced him to and welcomed into our group. he joined the school year mid way but we love him lots. Winter blake and i after a lot of bonding time became a trio and blake and i left our duo memories behind.
Winter joined my core class. I ask him if he'd like to meet my friends or if he wanted to walk around teh school. someone else had offered and he had already accepted. I go to chat with some of my 7th grader friends and winter is sitting alone. I ask him again if he'd like to join us and he accepts. Quickly he's accepted into our very open group. only a week after we meet him we celebrate his birthday as if we had known him since the beginning of the year. winter slowly became the person in our group who was wiser beyong his years, even if he is a month younger than me making him the youngest in the group. He would walk me home then walk to the library, since i live the farthest away from school we would end up alone. We would chat about everything even serious things. he became my second confidante the first being blake. It was all very natural talking to him about things. Some i couldn't but still. Then we became a trio as blake and winter bonded. We would walk to blakes house and hang out then they would walk me home and go back to blake's. Winter caused a bit of a stir in our group by dating two different girls within the group .
one was bi who had a crush on her best friend. i'm sorry if this is getting a little too reality tv for you but it's true. Winter dated her first then the best friend. The group broke up and all that was left was the trio and a few other people who really didn't care.
blake is going to utah this weekend to visit his old best friend and winter might move to alabama. he's not even sure which highschool he's going to. wether it's in alabama, tustin high or irvine. If he moves then we'll have lost our trio and go back to just being a duo. But if we're just a duo again it might be even harder. I'll be spending most of my time in the library, blake and i won't have any classes together except for possibly chinese and p.e. And since i have all honors classes i won't have much time because of homework.
True friends i found at school in tustin, and we might break up. not because we're drifting apart, but because life just isn't fair. In tustin it's hard to find true friends like these two because everyone here is concerned with image and spreading rumors, especially about those people who used to be one of them but chose not to be with them. especially about people who smile all the time. how is anyone that happy? especially about a girl who has two guys as best friends. especially about some wierd guy who's closer to a girl who's a friend than his girlfriend. and especially about some guy who moves randomly around all the time, and is some freak genius. we three don't care we have each other and love each other very much.
being apart from these two and i would fall apart at school. but i'll try, and even if being with blake is going to be hard, even if winter moves away we'll still keep in touch. I love these guys a lot. hey blake winter <3 u guys more and more every day and we'll always be together you know like that song at the end of grease? =p

Really At Home

Have you ever just been somewhere and just had that sudden amazing wonderful gush of emotion? You walk off that plane after hours of sitting there, trying to stay up or trying to sleep just to avoid that jet lag? Then when you get off the plane, walk down those stairs and walk out to get your luggage, you see your favorite relative smiling at you on the other side of the gate. You run to see them and you hug them. You're even too happy to be too happy to cry. You're feet are touching on ground that you know all too well and you just know. you can feel that your home, that you're where you're supposed to be. You see all of your favorite relatives when you walk out to the car, you're just too happy to say anything. Last time you were here, you were a little kid, now they're shocked at how you've changed, how you've developed. You just smile to yourself having realized that these are the people you really love the most, the ones you never see, but the ones you know are always thinking about you.
If this ever happens to you the feeling is amazing and wonderful. It's just so hard to explain, but if you have this feeling and then you're forced to leave. Forced to say that last farewell knowing that the next time you're there you'll officially be an adult. Knowing that things will change drastically now, it won't be just how they look but everything will change. The people, the places, everything. The worst part is knowing there's still the possibility of never going back ever.
I miss my family in the phillipines very much and i hold them dearly, im' not worried about them though. My lola is strong and can take care of herself. My brother is learning how to be an adult and he'll get the hang of it soon. My tita susan has always been a strong independent woman who is shameless in who she is. My Manang alex has two amazing friends to take care of her.
I miss the way the stars look at night, even if all the lights in the city are on. I miss laughing with friends in an instant closeness and feeling of affection. I miss the warm and welcoming hospitality.
All i can do is wait for time to pass by and just talk to my dearest friends about how i feel. Maybe a year or so will pass and I won't feel as sad as i do now. I never will truly be happy about not being home, but my friends here are amazing and i know they are willing to try to make me happy.
Kristianna my strong independent friend. A girlfriend who still appeals to my tendency to have guy friends. My tomboyish girlfriend who will always make me smile and who isn't afraid to tell me when i'm wrong.
Katie my energetic sweet friend who will listen to me when i need listening to and who will go to me for advice. My also tomboyish girlfriend who ALSO loves to make me smile.
Winter my smart intelligent friend. A guy who knows he can talk to me, and who i can talk to. Who tells me reality and not some fantasy i dreamed up.
Blake my dearest friend. A guy who even though we're so different never hesitates to make me laugh.
and Ryan reallly and truly a true friend. Who listens to me. and tells me reality but who still listens to my fantasies. Who chose not to judge me while others did. Who is someone i can joke around with.
all these people i can be who i am. and they know who i'm not. I miss my family and my home more than anything in the world, but i think i can make do until time passes by. and my cousin and aunt choose to vacation in the phillipines the same time we do. just wait for time to pass until i can meet up with my cousin, her best friends,and my brother in a bar, and reminisce about when we were younger and shoot down a few martinis.

More About Girls Of The Modern World

Well, i just got off the phone with my friend Erica Mills. The one i talked about in the last issue of what i'm going to start calling the local blogger. Well. I thought i might talk about more girls, give more examples of how different we are, yet, how we're still all the same.
Ok. I'm going to talk about karate first. We have Kristianna Marczeski. She's so great, we're like sisters. She's into rock, you know, just plain fun to be with. She has a total disliking for boys, she hates them all, even our friends.... i'll get to boys of the modern world sometime.... that should be interresting. Ok, now there's Katie Cicchettie, i don't really know when katie came into the picture, just that the three ofus are great friends. We accept each other i guess, at karate we can be ourselves, and if you can't accept us fine then. we kick ur butt at sparring class ! XD. then there's alexis, alexis is BOY CRAZY!!!! i swear... but there are those times whne she REALLY likes a guy... she can stick with him for years... really.... shopping you know, the classis stereo type of the modern girl, the thing about her is she's great at martial arts, she has a true talent for it really. just goes to show you shouldn't judge a book by its cover huh?there was a girl who used to go to karate with us... her though.. her you could read so easily... too much make up, couldn't hide all those zits though... she went out with my ex boyfriend, twice.... i made her life so hard... i tried so hard to scare her away from the dojo... that place is my home, i wouldn't want to lose that place. She spit in there, she defiled it..... she made fun of the art that i love..... i wanted her out and soon, so i took matters into my own hands, made everything so hard for her, you have no idea. She was gone now.... and she better not come back.
Ok, now lets get to school. First there's erica, who inspired me to write this second part! XD You see, erica had an interesting plot she made against tania, not the one i wrote in the last one, a different one. She poured almost an entire carton of apple juice in her backpack. the thing is i got kinda part of the backfire for that. tania and bree adams-wyche are both in my p.e. class. and theyr'e both near me, bree in front tania behind. they wouldn't stop trashing my friends. so i stand up for them like a good friend right? then they start smashing me up... not much to find though since i spent extra time getting ready that day to see isaac! XD i looked good that day! xD ok. now lets get talking about bree and tania there. both those girls are complete idiots. ok, bree is ok, she's in honours core with me. but i mean, a girl who wears shoes that are ducktaped together to p.e. cmon, can't get any stupider than that. jordan thompson.... jordans fun. a dancer you know, she's classic, smart hard worker... and great choice of friends! XD!!!!! there's chasely, she's pretty much the same, then katie, katie lexum, going out with one of my closest friends blake. she's great. you know, she has a past but we accept her, she's hyper like me... fun to be with... they're my friends what can i say?!!?!?!?
ok, to sum it all up we're all different, why can't we accept it? I accept peoples differences and i try to be nice... but thats how it works out. to those of you who can accept these things already, i commend you.

Girls Of The Modern World

Well. I'm not really sure why i post this... I think i'm going to start a weekly thing about parts of life, people my age usually don't think about. If you read these... send me a message talking about your view on it. I'd love to hear all about it.
Well. This week I'm going to talk about the females of our modern world. You know, the new generation. The generation me and my friends are part of. Out of all the girls i know... the majority are into clothing, one way or another. Some of the girls out there hate me too. Some love me like a sister. one is my sister! XD. and some just like me. Girls who hate me... i don't know why they do. maybe it's just because i'm different then them. oh well. Those girls are usually into the latest music, latest fasions... and some of them are dumb as rocks to tell you the truth... tania.. at least thats how i think you spell it. one time in class. "wait.. washington d.c. isn't in washington state?"
then my teacher said, or someone "no tania.... you just missed it by about the entire country" XD i was cracking up so much, but i held it in.... stayed quiet.... Some people just look for a way to ruin me, and sadly enough some of those people were my friends. The people who do like me though,are just as unique as i am in there own unique ways. take erica for example. she looks asian, she is asian, but she denies it, she's into rock, died her hair blonde, she's one of my best friends. My closest friends go to karate wiht me, kristianna marczeski, katie kicchetti. theyr'e great. we're all into rock. i'm more into modern, kris is more into the classics, and katie.. katie loves everything! XD we laugh at the strangest things. In that group i'm the oddball. They both have light skin and light hair. I have dark hair and dark skin.. i guess thats how it works out..... I have to sleep now... maybe i'll talk more about this in the future... goodnight and happy new year!
Girls of the modern world are all different i guess.....