He's happy.

So now tell me why I'm so upset?
Why do I feel so threatened? Why don't I want this to happen when I've been pushing it along, and advocating it all along?

I disappear for a while... then decide to write again only to see that he's written again too... and that he's happy.

This moment. I said those words. Capturing a memory. a beautiful, wonderful memory, of how much I laughed, and smiled, and learned, and loved, all in three years. We were... inseperable, indescribable, beautiful. I miss sitting with him and just talking. I remember we would talk all through school... then for hours at home, then once it was time for bed... We'd talk again until four in the morning. I'm not sure how we did this, and I most certainly can't remember what we talked about (if you're willing to do the math... we did that practically every day for 3 years...) but I remember we never ran out of things to say... things to learn about each other, things to think about. That's what was beautiful about him, he would always think, and always feel so comfortable in voicing them to me. He was always thinking of something... his mind went a million miles a minute, and yet he was able to talk with me, and when I didn't understand explain... The way he thought, and what he thought about shaped my manner of thought that I can never forget. When I think about comfort in a relationship, I remember those days spent cuddled on my bed doing homework, just laughing and talking for hours... Then all of the nights spent whispering into the phone for even longer.

He is happy. Experiencing life without me. It was only recently that we talked and made the realization that the other is quite aware of the impact we had made in their lives... What we had tried to do. The mark we had attempted to leave... That all of that had happened in so much more. As nice as it would be, I can be honest in saying that I don't want, or need, a relationship with him at all now. I don't want to have him in my life again. I think about him once in a while yes, but that's all. I never think about wanting him in my life again... It's not that it's not something I wouldn't welcome, but it's most certainly not something I ponder. If that's understandable at all. Curse me for being unable to express myself.

I don't feel comfortable talking to him anymore. That's too harsh a statement...  but isn't it true in a way now? I don't know how or why... but I need this retreat again. I need to write here again. I can't talk to him about this... I simply can't bring myself to. Will he be angry at me again? Will he find me silly again? Will he say that I am being unreasonable or illogical again? Who ever said that I was trying to be logical when I was talking to you about how I felt? There were even times where I blatantly stated I know this sounds silly, or stupid but....
Yes. I'm aware it's silly, and stupid, and childish, but that is how I am feeling and who are you to judge what I feel? My boyfriend. Right. Well those are the things I feel. Those are the things I think. Am I supposed to change that? When I start feeling upset and you tell me things that are just making me feel stupid for what I feel?
Well I feel all right.

I just don't want to tell you... Partially because of all of the above, but also because maybe her friendship in your life will be important. Maybe there's more there. I am perfectly content with where I stand with Ryan right now... but you don't feel the same with her.

Secretly... For some reason... I'm not even sure why...

... but she is a threat to me. I want so badly for you to be close with her in the way you want to be, but quite honestly it will tear me apart inside. I can't entirely explain why. I'm certain it's not entirely based on jealousy, I'm not quite so much of a hypocrite, although I'm certain there are hints of it here and there.
Maybe she does things for you that mean something to you, and all those wonderful things, but even Chase knows to never cross those lines with me again.
I saw the text message and somehow I already knew. I didn't need to be told it was her. You didn't need to nonchalantly in that round-about way of yours tell me that you've now memorized her phone number, and "inadvertently" tell me it was her.
Ditch me on Friday because "a friend" wants to have lunch. Why couldn't you just say it was her then? It would be easier than just avoiding all of it.
What bothers me the most is that it's as if you were forcing this. Working so hard at this, manipulating her in the way you know how to, and yet are so frustrated about how she manipulates you. You said your goodbye, and my heart felt lighter, because I thought you had come to a conclusion. When I asked you if you were sure that's what you wanted to do you were stubborn and said yes. Now that she's attempted to communicate again after you said you pushed her away for good, you state it was only to manipulate her into communicating with you?

I don't know why, but I'm confused and hurt by this. Give me a little time and it will fade. You won't talk to her and these thoughts and feelings will disappear until you decide to bring her up again. Perhaps you'll get what you want and have a relationship with her and I'll simply have to learn to live with it. Who knows what will happen.

Self Destructive Tendencies

Have my experiences really been so horrible?

Maybe I'm just over reacting and being emotional but you know what. I"m angry. I'm angry and upset, and I hate going to bed upset. I hate it so much.
I hung up- God am I really writing about something so trivial and stupid?
I hung up because I had upset you, and I dont' want to do that. Because I'm stupid and getting clingy and am going to miss you this week. So yeah. I hung up on you because I miss you. Sorry i'm stupid.

But you know what. fuck you. fuck this shit. fuck today. fuck your birthday present. just fuck my life okay. fuck your temper. fuck your attitude. stop being a little bitch about it, man up. Your girlfriend hung up on you because she's freaking out okay?

Freaking out because the thoughts of is this going to really work, are creeping into my head.
freaking out because today i caught myself checking out another guy. freaking out because some guy gave me his phone numnber and i actually saved it to my phone. deleted it right after. but still i saved it.
i'm freaking out because my self destructive tendencies are kicking in again and here they are. but you know what?
fuck you for not being there through it. fuck you for adding a smiley face when you're angry. just fuck you because all i can think about is you. fuck you for me wanting to be with you. just fuck it all okay?

Mitchell-

You're ridiculous. Now that this has been established, I'm sorry. There were so many things I could have done differently, and we both know we're not at fault. I'm willing to own up to my mistakes. I never should have gotten so close to Tom. I never should have even come close to that situation. So many things that I could have done differently, so many things that could have gone right.
I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. I'm sorry that I'm not with you right this second, loving you the way I had wanted to, holding your hand, perfectly happy, and loving you.
I wanted that, all of that. To explore you as a person and to grow as me as a person and all of that.
I'm sorry that I'm a child, unknowledgeable, lost, and confused.
I can't even express this amalgam of emotions inside of me right now, the weight on my mind, on my shoulders, in my heart, pressing against me threatening to both explode and crush me all at the same time.
I will own up to my faults, because they were awful and I'm sorry for all of them. If you asked it of me I'll say them out loud and get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, if you were willing to do the same for yours.

Did you really think only a handful of days of you beginning to change was going to make up for the weeks of arguing and not seeing you and my own confusion?
Your pride, your stubborn quality, clashed with my own. I'll admit it. I am proud, I am stubborn, and I am a fool- but I am not fool enough that I would let it cloud my vision from the truth.
I understand you have priorities, as did I. You had your studies and your family, I had mine. You had your friends, as did I. I refuse to bend for my friends, I made changes in my habits with them to please you. I changed, molded, gave in, bent who I was, and sacrificed intimate times with people who were my friends for your own sake. For your comfort, for your joy. What was I to give you that I didn't give them you always asked me. What was I to give you?
I gave you effort. Time with them came effortlessly, it had to be worked at with you. They didn't have my kisses, my love, my heart in their hands. Friends are companions. I don't enter romantic relationships lightly I hope you understand.
I constantly think of you every day, and I miss you, but I know that you and I simply cannot be together no matter how much I wish it could be that way.
I met someone, and I love him, much like how I love you. This young man though communicates, doesn't shrug things off. He doesn't hide from me, we have so much in common. I am myself effortlessly with him.
He is my friend first and foremost and will always remain so. If it were in his best interests for me to simply be a friend, or even completely removed from his life then I would oblige because all I want is his happiness, much like what I want for you.
I love you Mitchell, and I want your happiness. Being with you forced so much effort out of me. I should have enjoyed that effort though. It should have been effortless to put effort into our relationship, instead it was a boon, and a bane to my existence during that time. This is why I simply can't be with you.

So now that I feel dejected, like an awful person, and go back and be reminded of my past and awful things, and secrets; Now that I hate myself just a little bit more, and am again reminded of my flaws, of my existence as a human being, I feel like curling into a ball and just lying there, thinking, hating myself, forcing myself to suffer, and I'll admit it right now I feel unhappy, but amidst all of this there are a few things that I know.

There are people who will love me regardless of this.

I love you regardless of this.

I want you to be happy.

With all of my love,
Paulina

P.S. I'm sorry if things are harsh, or accusatory, or whatever they come off as, even if it's something good. I just... Not thinking simply feeling, not censoring? I'm not sure even what to say. I'm just feeling very in the moment.

I'm sorry for being a hypocrite. I tried so hard to tear your walls down, so hard to get past them because I know that I had gone the farthest into that maze of your mind than any other person. I wanted to tear your walls down because I thought that was what was best for you. I thought that I knew what was best for you, but now I look back and see my own foolishness. I'm sorry my love for doing that to you. For destroying who you were without ensuring you would be safe once we took out the things that were hurting you. Instead I tore down walls and your world came crashing down. I am so incredibly sorry.
Now I realize that I have my own walls, my own failings, my own insecurities. I am so used to being the strong one, but now it is I who am weak. I am the broken one, the hidden one, the young one, the scared one, the... I'm not even sure how to finish, what to say. I'm amazed at this revelation of myself.
I have walls. I am not strong. I am not powerful, and I never will be the person I want to be until that weak, scared, pitiful, vulnerable part of myself grows up.

So I'm sorry for insisting your walls break down, for being mad at you that they didn't come down, and for hurting you in a way that I didn't understand at the time.

This is My Vulnerability

Welcome to just a facet of me, part of my insides that so few see. Welcome to this place where so many tears have been shed; so many thoughts, words, opinions, ideas, feelings, everything. Don't hate me for what's on here. Don't run, don't hide, don't judge. Simply to know.

Look me in the eyes

See the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the frustration, the amalgam of so many conflicting emotions behind this mask, this smile that gets put on for everyone else. I opened myself to you, and you saw so much of me. I worked on peeling away my skins for you and now... Now I feel like sewing myself shut again. I am so sorry, but I know time will heal our wounds, and that life has a grand plan for us. A plan, a a path like a spider web... We simply have to decide which one to take.

Save These Thoughts for Later

Listening to your stories and remembering my own was absolutely and positively heart wrenching. Perhaps I'm being dramatic, but it most definitely was not happy for me. It made me smile to see you smile, and to remember your happy memories, but the fact that you cried about them only minutes before reminded me of what came before my numbness. I am jealous of you. I envy your ability to feel these things. To remember them. I remember them, and remember them all fondly, but I have detached all emotion from them. They numb me, remind me, chill me, then move on. This is the way of things for me, and this is how I have survived. Is that so wrong? So... right? So... what could it possibly be.
I am on new grounds, and have yet to be used to them. Wandering through life with you by my side... I feel myself on the edge of  a brave new world, with a tempest blowing at my back. Perhaps you are my island of the lotus eaters? No, you are too honest, too real, too so many other things not entirely a fantasy to be and island of the cursed fruit.
I cannot do what you do. I cannot look backwards at what I have written, or what has been written to me just yet. I am unable to do this because I am so afraid of what will happen to me.

04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

To my Dearest love,

     I love you, BUT- A horrible phrase isn't it? You're not sure what's about to come but you know it can't possibly be something good since it's precedent was something wonderful, and something horrible; or I should hope you think it's horrible, because for me it is; must follow the word "but". Now I shall continue, I love you, but this absolutely needs to be adressed or I will force myself to walk away. I will walk away from you, from this, from whatever possibly could be because I know I deserve better than this.
     Maybe it's not horrible- I'm stopping myself from continuing that because I also told myself I wouldn't make excuses for you. I had the usual run of, "I'm busy. He's busy. We're both busy. He's hanging out with friends. Maybe he's spending some family time. Maybe something has come up. Maybe... just maybe he doesn't know what he's doing and I'm making a big deal out of something very miniscule. It's the evening and you think morbidly in the evening just wait until the morning and every thing will be just fine."s. I refuse to make excuses, and I refuse to not get what I want from the person I love and who claims to love me- most especially if what I want is to feel special. I want to fall in love with you all over again each and every day. I want to be reminded of why I love you, as well as given new reasons.



I'm dramatic aren't i.

Something New

In a desperate attempt to continue writing (which I have utterly failed to do recently-- both here and at home) I have added a blogger application to my iPhone.. and hope that this will cause me to write more often. Good lock to me! (and well this application is a little lame... you can't do much)

You Leave Me Speechless...

...with fear. The fear that I will hurt again. That your words are empty, your gazes are meant to make me the fool, your touch is for your own self satisfaction, and the laughter is just another step closer to the mystery of me. I open myself, I'm vulnerable again, simply because I haven't felt this way in months? Perhaps I've already made myself the fool, that's not a job left for you to do. It is I who play the fool as I smile and giggle from your eyes, your smile, your smell... without you though my senses return to me and I remember the fool I am.
Go on then, take my emotions, steal my heart, bring me joy, then crush them all like I know you will one day.

No time in Life =/

So obviously my plans for the year totally crashed and burned and didn’t work at all like I wanted them to. And even now I am not going to write much because I have no time in life for much of anything. It is understandable being a high school senior hurdling towards graduation at a startling rate. I haven't had time to pick up my room let alone to write on this blog. Hopefully I’ll be able to find more time to begin doing such things soon, but it may still be a couple weeks before that *sigh* sooooo ttfn ta-ta-for-now!

Nature is a Beautiful Thing

Day #7

I went to the park today. I love nature, but sometimes it’s hard to see and appreciate with all the concrete you see here. It’s something that I missed while I was in Italy. The cities just seemed to be so lifeless. They were devoid of grass and bushes and trees. Sure, the buildings were beautiful and it was nice to see such a different kind of architectural beauty, but I missed the beauty of nature. It’s not something that can be replicated but it’s something that many people tend to overlook. And it’s so sad to be missing all the beauty out there

Children <3

So of course, again, I’ve been forgetting to actually write down what I had thought of each day. There’s just been too much happening and I don’t always have time to even take a break let alone write something down. But I’ll still do this as best as I can.

Day #6

That was Sunday. Sunday was hectic, but I had to be thankful for children. They may be tough to take care of and sometimes maybe you just want to tear out your hair because they just ride on your last nerve all the way to China, but they’re sweet and cute and funny and they’re our future generations that will lead our world in the future. They are the pride and joy of the present and we have to raise them to the best of our ability because they will take us further than we can ever take ourselves. And so, I am thankful for the children :)

My Beautiful Sister :)

Day #5

I have a sister. A beautiful sister. She is just so wonderful and I love her so much. She is just amazing as any person can be and I love it when she comes to visit me. We talk a lot, about everything under the sun and I am just so thankful that she is a person in my life. I have only ever lived with her for a total of maybe five years and while maybe we didn’t always get along when we were younger, she always listened to me and as we both got older we found that we enjoyed each others company more and more. I love my sister so much and I love the times when I get to spend time with her and just hang out because she is one of my best friends. I feel so lucky that I have a sister like her because I she is a person that I get along with and that I know that I can talk to about anything and everything no matter what. And that is something that is absolutely amazing to have. That’s more than I can ask for and yet, it was given to me in my sister. We spent time together today and we got the chance to talk again like we haven’t been able to in a while. I always miss her terrible and I love that time that we get to spend together. She is the listener. The advice giver. The driver. The one who made it through everything and did everything on her own. I look up to her and I have learned a lot from her. She is my role model, and even though she’s made a lot of mistakes, who hasn’t? The point is that she’s worked through them and does the best she can with what she’s given and what she’s done in the past. And that, is something to look up to.

My Grandpa <3

Day #4

I have a grandpa. A very wonderful one at that. I am so thankful that he is alive. A main theme of this year I guess is to recognize what I have that others don’t. Some people don’t have a grandpa, and I have two. There is one that I see all the time and even though his retina is detaching and he may be blind for the rest of his life, he is ALIVE. And no amount of blindness can change that one bit. He is my grandpa, and he lives. He tells me stories, he conversates with me, he gives me good food and lets me do whatever I want. If I ever ask him for anything he just tells me: mi casa es su casa, take whatever you want. And I smile cuz I love his accent when he talks. I love my grandpa so much and even if he goes blind, I’m just happy that he’s still alive :)

A Healthy Body

Okay so obviously it’s easily noted that I missed a couple days and I am making up for them here and unfortunately I already fail at doing this daily thing. I am doing my best but I have so many things to do since I came back that I just fall asleep in the middle of my work without actually writing anything, but I will get better!

Day #3

Anyway, yesterday, I was thankful for the fact that I have a healthy body. Yes, I do have my own array of health problems, but they are all relatively minor and I can still run, I can still be active, and I can still live the type of life I’d want to live. There are so many people who have health problems and have to worry about dying so young and about what they do with their life because they have to be careful with everything that they do. And yet, I still have a healthy body and that is something that many people take for granted. They don’t realize how lucky they are to even be healthy enough to move around let alone go to school and play sports. And that means a lot.