Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.

Haha... what is love?



Love hurts. It's cold. It's the most painful thing to ever experience. It's full of betrayals, pains. Believe it or not Love is also full of hate. Love has made me cry more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me cry at night. Love is what has made me hate waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like swords piercing through me over and over. Love makes me feel cold and alone sometimes. Love is what shuts me inside, and makes me hide underneath layers and layers of masks. Love is what makes me stare blankly at a wall sometimes, or makes me stand out in the cold rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of suicide. Love is what has made me push others away.

Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.



But Love...Love heals. It's warm. It's the most amazing thing to ever experience. It's full of care,feeling. Believe it or not Love is also indescribable. Love has made me smile more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me smile at night. Love is what has made me love waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like a warm blanket that just envelopes me over and over. Love makes me feel warm and supported. Love is what opens me up, and helps me to expose who I am to others. Love is what makes me interact, or makes me dance in the rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of the future. Love is what has made me bring others closer.



I may be young. I may seem enexperienced. But I know I have loved. In many different ways. I no longer try to define love. I no longer try to understand love. I can only try and describe Love. I could never describe love in general though. You'd have to ask about a certain person.

It's like history. History doesn't repeat itself. The Idea's repeat. Similar to the idea of Love. History's details will never repeat ever again. I know this sounds odd, to compare an emotion so complex and so devestating to something so... well. Odd. As History.



It drives you crazy right?



Love is so many different things. Painful and wonderful all in one. At church once during the homily the priest was talking about love. Relationships. In relationships it's balance as well. You have to understand that you have to sacrifice if you expect to gain anything, if you truly want a loving relationship. If you really love someone wouldn't you want to give them the world anyway? Even if it meant a little bit of pain to yourself'? I understand there are lines that must be drawn, but I will open my life a bit to give an example to you.

My family is close to losing our home. Two thirds of our income relies on my father selling cars. Worst of all he sells high class luxury cars. You would think that he makes a lot of money? No. Not with a failing economy that the United States is experiencing now. The other third of our income, my mother, all goes straight to maintaining the house, buying food, and supporting my Grandmother and older brother in the Phillipines. We're... Several thousand dollars in debt with family, so in that way atleast we don't have to pay back interest. We barely make our house payments now. And yet... My father pays maybe two thousand dollars in fees, among other nescessities for what I do just so that I can have experience. So that I can reach my maximum potential. That is love. That is sacrifice. There are greater stories out there that I can tell you.
Greater things that have occured.
When people first think of Love they think of a couple holding hands. Or somethign somewhat related.
When I first think of love... Oddly enough. I think of my parents arguing. That's another story for another day though.

What is love?

You guessed it. I'm Nichole. Mei's best friend. Like her, i didn't realize what she could mean to me. She was never a major proirity to me when we were younger. Now... now, i would be so lost and lonely without her that I wouldn't know what to do. I would also admit that I would get jealous if she found another best friend that could replace me. Her and I make a wierd friendship. We are so different, yet think so alike. We can read and know each other's thoughts on a subject without hearing the other say anything. We aren't afraid to tell each other anything, and we accept each other for the person they are and no one else. Anyone who knows us would not think that we are as close as we are, but put us together, and well, we're nearly inseperable (unless her boyfriend's there).

What is love? Is it a feeling, or is it much more? Is it a fire? Or a want? Or a burning passion? Why is it that there are no words for such things? I have felt something of love once, and I know, that no words can explain the feeling, the rush of burning desire. Love is almost like happiness. Not just laughing and having fun, but pure happiness. The kind that starts as a feeling in your chest and expands until it fills your whole body. A feeling that can't just be overcome with simple will. Is love a different feeling for every person? Or is it just that each person has there own way of describing the feeling? How many types of love are there really? Or is it just that you love others at different degrees? Why is it that love cannot be controlled? You cannot stop loving a person like you stop loving a color. When you love somebody, truly love somebody, you cannot control it, you cannot stop it just like that. Why is it that you find it when you least expect it, or don't want it at all? Why can it not be controlled? Do people love so they can be hurt? If you don't love something or someone, your heart will not be broken so easily. Why do people have to love something? Love seems that it leads to hurt more than it leads to a happily ever after. The more you love, the more you're looking to get hurt, and feel a pain, and not one that a band-aid can heal. It's something that takes much more time, a wound so deep it cuts right through your heart and out the other side. It can make you feel helpless and alone, but people tend to forget about such things when they think about love. They only think about happiness, not about the great sadness and pain lurking just around the corner. Why would they? Isn't just so much better to be thinking about love making you happy at the moment, instead of the possibility of love hurting you in the future? When people get together with someone, they don't stop and think, "I know that this isn't going to be forever." Everytime people get together, they tell each other that it will be forever, they promise it even. How often does it actually happen? That people stay together forever. In this world, maybe two in a million. Maybe less. People never stop to think about these things when they get together with somebody. They only think about their feeling that it WILL last forever, and that this is the person that they are meant to be with. Yet, they have the same feeling, and the same thoughts in every relationship. People seem to believe that every time they love, they will get their happily ever after. This is the person they were meant to be with and now they will get their fairy tale ending. Yet, we all know that fairy tale endings don't exist. Though a person may find the very person that they've needed their whole life, they're not going to all of a sudden end up with a perfect life. Perhaps the reason that people believe that they will have a fairy tale ending is because they just need something to believe in. Maybe it's because they're tired of their life and they need to believe that someday, it will all go away, and they will be able to live the perfect life they always wanted. Those are the people that need a reason to get up out of bed everyday. Perhaps they need a reason to keep on going on, to keep living their life, and to not give up on everything. Why is it that people build themselves up for a let down when they finally discover that the chances of them ever finding the perfect person it pretty slim, and the chances of having a fairy tale ending are even slimmer. They continue to believe, as they continue to believe in true love. Is either real? I wouldn't know, but I am sure that we'll all find out someday.

That being said, what exactly IS love?

It's The Trivial Thing.

The holiday season comes to a close.
A new year begins.

I look back at the past and realize how many changes I went through. How many masks I had to put on to try and find out who I am, and if I could be accepted.

What a stupid stupid thing to do.

My friends back then would have accepted me for who I am. Well... Who I was.
I had a friend back then too who would have accepted me for who I am, but I never saw her as important... Now. Well. I don't know if I could live without her. I'd die from everything pent up inside of me if it weren't for her. I thank her in every way possible. We're so different, we're on absolutely different path's for life. Yet... She mean's the world to me, and I'll admit I'd be jealous if she got close with anyone else but me! We've been friends for so long, but only now we're realizing just how much we need each other.

I've had so much heartbreak. I've fallen in love. I've been confused and unsure of myself. At one point I began hurting myself. It took a long break, and meeting someone really special to realize that. While my heart is still on the mend, I've found someone to protect my heart while it heals. Someone who I know would never break my heart. Someone who cherishes me more then I cherish him. We bicker sometimes as to who loves each other more. Well, we used to. Now though we've decided that we love each other equally at an amount that shoots past the very edges of space and time, but he's loved me longer. He has always loved me longer.

Well now. There is something that I really must wright about. People don't even think twice sometimes about the way they think. The way they see things. People, or maybe it was just me in utter ignorance, only see things the way they see it and don't like to look at anything the other way.I met someone in the past year who opened my eyes. Who changed who I am. Before we go that far back though I'll go back to December only, somewhere in the first half. I was having a pleasant conversation with Ryan. How dear he is to me. Sorry my thoughts wander.
Yes I was talking with Ryan and I forget how this came about...
But I talked to him and I told him.
Because it's true.
Ryan has changed my life in a way that can never be reversed. The things he's said to me, or the unexpected actions he's taken are so unlike to what I had been used to. The way I thought was so different back then, so narrow. All the things he's said to me had always made me think. In doing that he changed who I am. He's changed the way I think, the way I see things, partially a bit in the way I act. Not majorly in the way I act mind you, I will always be me. But he has changed my mind and my view. Taking a quote from Mr. Waldram. He took off my glasses.
I see the world differently thanks to him. Now I know I've become a different person on the inside. I can't say if it's for the better, or for the worse, or in line with what I used to be. I should think I've changed for the better.
He told me that meant more to him then well... You can fill in the blank.

Sometimes in life we ignore these changes in who we are. Sometimes we have those moments. Those moments where suddenly we just understand and we see. Our eyes become open.
It's those trivial things that are important.

The Purpose of Not Existing

If you had $100,000 to give away, to what person(s) or organization(s) would you give it?
(If you were watching the American TV network Fox last night, you know where this idea came from.)

Most likely I would give it to some environmental or educational organization. i know it's not very imaginative but it's what i do. i feel guilty for not saying my parents though. for all that they've done and the troubles that they now face, but maybe that's because i know they can make it. despite what i see as flaws. they have. how can i think of this so simply? when really it's so big. -end of minute-

Two days ago my AP world history teacher just let us sit and chat for the first few minutes of class. Us as students of course were oblivious to what he did, and just ignored him continuing with our chatting. I was gossiping with a wonderful friend, and once that was done I had gone on to read Eragon. (I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I have not read it before, but I finished it yesterday) Next thing I know I hear this odd whirring sound. My eyes flash up from the text in the book to see Mr. Waldram with an electric power drill standing in front of us. We were a bit confused... and as he went on it went from confusing, to annoying, to obnoxious, to just plain the biggest nuisance in the room.
I of course thinking it was pointless, and not understanding how this could relate to World History whatsoever went on to read my book. As I read though I listened. From the drill they talked about power, the power he had over the class. They spoke of modern technology and how we are so attached to it. Of course as our class seems to enjoy teasing Mr. Waldram, and he welcomes it with a smile, they went on to speak of how silly and pointless hit thoughts were. It would be wrong of me to not admit I had parallel thoughts.
As their conversation drew on, it bored me, these thoughts weren't unique at all. I had heard them all before and none gave me much interest, so I continued to read. Then Mr. Waldram took my book. Yes I was upset. Yes I kind of sort have might have sat there glaring at him with my arms crossed. Maybe...
Then I was mumbling under my breath at how pointless it was, and I must have said it loud enough to hear because he encouraged me to go on with that idea.
I talked about the pointlessness of this exercise, and even more the pointlessness of the drill. If I had walked over and unplugged the drill it would have simply been matter sitting there without power or purpose. And of course he asked me to go on. I (still with a frustration in my voice I'm sure) talked about the point of existence and purpose. How some thing exist with the purpose to benefit. While others exist for the purpose of loss and other such nativities and in doing so benefit the world by creating a balance. Do things exist for a purpose? Do things not exist for a purpose? There are so many things we could imagine up and I'm sure more, why don't those things exist? Perhaps them not existing is their purpose. Their purpose is to exist only in imagination... But if an object existed in imagination, does it still exist thought it doesn't exist in a tangible object? Dark is absence of light, and cold is the absence of heat. Then is not believing lack of faith? Is stupidity a lack of wisdom and intelligence? One of my classmates said it was starting to sound like the things I post on my blog. He echoed my thoughts of posting the thoughts I had come up with and smiled to myself.
They went on to talk and I sat there giving up in my frustration of having to speak in circles. If one continues to ask why or what then one will never reach an answer. I thought this was the job of philosophers.
While i mumbled to my friend at how pointless this all was she said to me.

Maybe it's not how you reach a point, maybe it's the way getting there.

Thankful

One Minute Writer: who do you thank for something as amazing as the gift i've been given?The gift of being different. and the gift of knowing i'm different.the human mind craves to fit in while i know i do not. I'm thankful for the people i know now. the people i used to know. thankful that i know and love God and am grateful for him in my life. thankful for my sister. my mother-*end of minute*

Sadly enough I know that this simple cartoon, no matter how funny it may be, isn't much of an exaggeration. Over the weekend I had been a Legal at our own Tustin High Schools 16th annual Model United Nations Conference. I had to do the paperwork, grade caucus, watch the timer, the speakers list, take roll etc etc. Surprisingly... I had a lot of fun...
Why does the human society, on any scale at all, believe that to raise one's self up you have to push others down and use them as stepping stones. I used to believe (yes I know i'm about to paint quite the morbid image and i'm terribly sorry for that) that to get ahead in life you had to push other people down in the ground and use them as stepping stones. As if you were trapped in a well with a lot of other struggling people and that to reach the top I had to 'dispose' of these others and build myself a staircase. Ants sacrifice themselves in such a way to help their society. To cross a body of water ants will sometimes drown themselves creating a bridge for the rest to walk across. Thanks to experience, and some amazing people that have influenced my views on life, I know now that it is possible to climb high without having to dispose of others. To climb high without stepping on others. Take the well image for example. One can simply take resources and create a ladder, a rope and pull themselves high. You don't always have to put others down, be thankful and gracious for what you have. Sometimes people feel lost and without a cause, and so to try and find their way they push around people who have. Then those people become lost too.
I'm glad I now know this lesson, or I could never be comfortable with who I am. Perhaps I still don't know who I truly am, (i'm only just turned fifteen mind you!) but I do know this. I know I will be comfortable with who I was, and who I am to become.

I have Sacrificed...

MY PANTS AND MY SHOES FOR THIS PLAY >:0

this blog won't be as formal as the past couple
so don't expect it to be.

This is crazy though, so hectic. Opening night is a week from today!
It's going to be just wonderful!
I get that other people at my school think it's an absolutely loser-ish thing to do...
but hey I don't see anyone else getting up on stage acting like an idiot to get people to laugh! {and someones gotta do it! why not me?}

My pants are yellow, and they're supposed to be blue
my shoes are yellow, they're supposed to be black
my hair is a variety of colors as are my hands!
This is just wonderfully amazing!!!

I've gotten several teachers to offer extra credit for their class to get people to go!
Mr. Miller, Mr. Trev and Mr. Waldram, i'm going to talk to Mrs. Levine and Mrs. Hopkins as well as my other teachers.

I'm really excited! Though I can't find a plain orange shirt =[
Ah! I'm being called for! The life of demanding parents. Though I wish they cared more.
That's a topic for another day!

this wasn't really an orange... twas more of a tangerine :0

If You Had Known What's Happening Now...

A good friend of mine asked me the other day...

If you had known what was going to happen to us, while we were on our first date, would you still have dated me?

I had never thought about this question before so I answered...

To tell you the truth I really don't know.

So then we just keep going along on our way to school, then I decide to ask...

What about you?

Then he tells me...

Yes. You were once essential to my life. Once.

Now at this statement I was quite shocked. To be essential to someone in their life. To be needed? I've never heard someone say that to me before. Perhaps someone to say I've made their life better, or that I have somehow made some difference in their life, but to be truly NEEDED?
So then the rest of the day my mind dwelled on that question, and well, I dwell on it now. He asked me this question wednesday morning mind you, so I have been thinking on it for several days now.
Are essential and needed the same thing though?
And how do you lose the need for someone? Do you avoid it, and fight that need until it simply disappears? Do I need the people in my life now? I have friends who I would go crazy without...without my parents... could I survive? yes. Will I be the person I am now? Maybe not... My sister? Has she made an impact that's necessary?

Why am I thinking of impact now, when I was talking about necessity? Do I need my darling dearest in my life? Does he need me? Did I need the person who asked me this question when he needed me? Even more importantly. Do I need him in the past, to be who I am in the present?
This particular person changed me I know that much.
Maybe everyone comes into your life and makes a difference. They all change you in some way right?
Maybe we need everyone in our lives in the past or we wouldn't be who we are now, but we didn't need them then?
Time is continuous afterall.
Dwell on these thoughts.
Dwell on the orange.
Peel the orange.
Take a slice.
Peel off the covering of that.
Pick apart all the little droplets.
Think about the orange.
And tell me what you find.

You may now continue living your regular lives.