So here I am

Writing. Not that I know what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. There is so much going on all the time and I just can’t keep up with life. It’s always ‘this person against that person’ and ‘this person did this’ but ‘that person did that’ and things just get so confusing that it’s hard to know which way is up. And most of the time it’s nearly impossible to tell if the information you’re given is the whole truth or just something that has been passed along through the eyes of too many diluting it to something that is sort of, kind of, the truth but not really.

Then you get when things become so convoluted and somehow the different drama stories that you’ve been keeping up with this whole time start to become intertwined with one another. For example, I have two different friends, who like two different guys. Yet, these two different guys, both like the same girl. And she is one of those girls who goes on flirting with every guy she lays eyes on and leads them all on to think that they have a chance with her when really, she doesn’t want them. And in the process she’s hurting people and even though she KNOWS she’s hurting people she continues to do it anyway.

People come to me. All the time. And I listen. That’s easy enough. They start to ask me for advice and I must say, that’s a tad harder. I do my best, but I don’t know the secrets of the world, and I know nothing about guys. That’s what all these girls come to me about. Yet, I know nothing about this. I have no experience whatsoever. And while they all know this, they all seem to think that I know something that they don’t. As one girl so kindly pointed out when I tried to help her: I have no experience with anything like this anyway.

I do my best just trying to look at things from an objective point of view. So here I am, sitting, and hoping that the advice I am giving these girls is the right advice to give.

Will We Always Be This Broken?

I shouldn't have to censor my thoughts or words around my best friend. Because he is my boyfriend does that change things? Which (for lack of better diction) title takes precedence? Is he my best friend first and foremost? Or do I treat him as my boyfriend, watching what I do and say? If a combination of both what parts do I take from each?
Our first big fight and I've come to terms with it. I've forgiven him, but still I feel hurt and pain. Will I always feel this hurt? Will I remember this first fight for the rest of my life and feel the sting of past hurt? I'm afraid that he and I are too broken now. We are on the rocks, we're talking, saying our "I love you"s and exchanging kisses and holding hands and smiling as the world looks on us, but I feel the hurt still. I see it in his eyes and can feel it in how careful I am about what I say now. I don't want to be careful about what I say around him. He was supposed to be that person I could say everything to. Now I must be cautious? Now I must censor myself? Can I do that? Am I supposed to?

Will you and I get back to that pure sweet and untainted love that I knew for almost four years? Is that all lost now?

This Truth, That Truth

Honest people give off the sense of being honest people. Dishonest people you always outright distrust. It's the people inbetween that always give off the feeling of never quite being sure.
What happens though when two people who seem very honest, or in the least closer to the honest side of the inbetween scale, contradict each other? Who do you believe? What do you believe? What side does it come down to then? Which one are you supposed to trust when it comes to important matters?
Perhaps the question is rather that the two have opposing opinions, thus leading them to see the same event two different ways, therefore leading to two different truths. Is that possible then, to have two different truths?

A Thinly Veiled Conundrum

You and I have made up! Nick and I! Oh joy of joys and happy days, sweet truth, and liberation! We still have our tension, and our problems and we will never be the same.
This was our first fight, the first time he lied to me, the first time he ever made me cry or hurt me. This was the first time we both realized how little we know about each other, and the first time that i believe he saw what he was getting into. Things are still shaky, and tough, but I will still be myself around him. I made a mistake, and I have learned from it. Things will be hard, but we can do this.

I still think you should have kissed me right away instead of waiting so long, and making me tell you. I really didn't want to be the first one to kiss you this time, and technically I wasn't. It's okay though. It's still you and me together, the way it's supposed to be.

Nothing is Immutable

Nothing truly is immutable. One cannot change nothing, for once nothing is changed, it becomes something.

Now that that's over! Nothing is really unchangeable. Nothing on this earth at least. Things eventually change and develop. The prideful must stoop low and admit to wrongs they have done, and the humble must learn to accept a compliment graciously. In the past week I was torn, and broken. Towards the end as I began to pick myself back up, the problem slowly began to disappear. Breaking down, was not the healthiest thing to do. I am okay with that though. I needed to break down, to see where I was falling, and catch myself so that I could pull myself back up. Now I am stronger, happier, and more accepting. Perhaps this new year will bring a more constant flow of writing, and more positive writing as well?

I hope every day is bright and shiny for you! Every day is holds the opportunity to be different than the last, so make each and every day better than the last!

Old Friends

A good relationship; be it romantic, friendly or familial; is not one where you don't argue all the time. A good relationship is one where you have problems, and you're both strong enough to work through them, and still come out of it together, despite everything that happened in between. I need to remember this lesson. I know that I will forget it sometime down the road in my desire for things to be perfect. The issue is that I must remember the problems in life make us stronger both as individuals, and relationships.

Chip, chip chip!

Chipping away at hate is a long and arduous process. Hate is like a rock, it doesn't move, it stays still, and unless you try to push it away it will always be there. Pushing it away isn't too easy either mind you.
I'd like to believe that it's easy with love though. Love is like water, it runs smooth and still, and it fills the heart and soul wonderful and pure. Water can wash away at a rock until it is just dust at the bottom of the ocean, and can hold nothing and no one back.
I'd like to believe that deep down every man is filled with love. I'd like to hope that man lets the love flow from him to others, especially those who are carrying hate in their hearts, so that their rivers might flow with joy as well. It is a long and arduous process, but it is not impossible.
At the very core of himself, can man be a stone? Can he block himself out, and have been abused by the world so much that his heart is replaced by flowing water to a cold and unmovable stone? Or does the water still fight the rock, pushing it, searching for a weakness until it can start trickling through as droplets, then a stream, then a river, then finally back into a mighty ocean?

I Am At Peace

I needed that little breakdown I suppose. I needed to breakdown, see how far I've fallen, and then pick myself back up. After hours of reflection, meditation, and prayer, I finally know what I must do and accept it.
I have to love him, if he must see that I do.
I must be patient in waiting for him to be himself. I must be kind in my words and actions even when he's not around. I cannot envy his joy in my absence, or boast about my own. I cannot assume a sense of pride for anything connected to this problem between us. I cannot be rude towards him in the hopes of causing him harm, I cannot attempt to find happinness only for myself, especially if it is to cause him pain. I cannot be upset with him for feeling the way he does. I can't keep a record of wrongs, I must forgive him. I will not delight in this evil between us, but I will rejoice when the truth of love shines through. I must protect him in the few ways that I can, I must trust that for the past four years he truly loves me too, and perservere in my attempts to show him.
I must love him, and hope and pray that God will help me use my love to chip away at all the evil surrounding us. I can't let the devil win this fight, pull me away from my best friend. He's meant too much to me over the years, and God will help me see what is best.

I do honestly feel that this is not our end though. I have love, and therefore I have hope.

I love you Nick. I'll be here for you when you need me, but for now if you are happy without me, I am overjoyed that you are beginning to stand on your own two feet, and finally take charge and be happy with yourself. I am so proud of you.

You're Happy Without Me

i know you said i have hope


but the things he's been posting on his page

i dunno

Courtney said this isn't the end for us... she feels like this isn't how it's supposed to end for people who were so close

and Jeff said that nick said i have hope

when Jeff talked to him about it

but he seems so happy without me

that maybe it's been me holding him back all these years

courtney also mentioned it might be the influence of his band...

i've always felt like they weren't fond of me

so i suppose it's valid

but really. he seems happy without me

maybe it's better off, if i love him i should let him be

and be here when he needs me to be.
 
I wrote that all to Caroline. From everything you post on facebook, which in itself I find odd since you never went on much before, you seem so happy. Happy with yourself and life. It makes me wonder if it was me holding you back before. Has it been my fault all these years that you can't sleep, and that you hate your life? Am I the thing that has been holding you back from happiness?
Jeff said that you told him I still have hope. Were you just saying that?
 
You're my best friend. I have to have hope. Like the hope you gave me when we were up on that moment getting closer to God. The hope you gave me when you held me as I cried all those times. The hope I got each time you made me laugh, and each time you smiled at me. The hope you gave me when you held me. All that love and hope in our past.
 
Courtney is right. This isn't our end. It's just time for a new beginning.

I Want You Back

I realized I never said those words to you in my letter; the only form of communication you and I have had since the us became the you and the I. I wondered why, it was the truth and now still is. I love you, and I want you back in my life. I have to have you back in my life. I need you in my life, because without you I'm lost. Then why didn't I tell you?
I was afraid that you wouldn't want me back too. I didn't want to hear the truth, and now here I am doing what I can to get what I want, when I should be happy if you're happy. In a way I am, but I also want us to be happy together. Now after typing that I only feel so selfish, but it's true that I want you back. I'm being honest here. I was happy to hear that you actually took the time to read my letter at new years. Thank you for that. Thank you for not shutting me out then.
Today I couldn't help but smile and be happy. I remembered all of our happy times together, and I would laugh. You made comments in english that made me laugh and smile, and roll my eyes. In a good way mind you. I didn't roll my eyes because I thought you said something stupid... I rolled my eyes because it was just very you to make that comment.
Today I thought about Russia. The messages you sent me on facebook, and their ridiculousness. How hard that trip was for me. How just as if I had never been gone, I left Mr. Morgan's classroom after zero period, turned left, went around the building, and saw you. How I smiled, and ran to hug you. How you caught me. How I cried because I missed you. When I told you how ridiculous I felt for crying. I hadn't realized how much I missed you until I finally saw you. I remember how you told me how lost you felt without me around. Today I experienced that. You have always been my constant companion, and I never really noticed it until you were gone.  I miss my best friend.

I am afraid about being pushed away from you, but at the same time I know I will have to be honest with you if I am to have hope.

Stay Positive

I'm trying so hard to be positive. Really I am. I can't right now though. Not when you don't know that I love you. I can't feel positive when I don't have you to talk to, or your shoulder to cry on anymore. I miss your hugs, your laughs, and all those ridiculous jokes. I miss how you would make me feel better when things ended with all those other guys. How you would always try to cheer me up, and make me feel better about the whole situation. You're not here this time. Now you're on the other side. You're the one things ended with and I'm alone with no one to tell me things are going to be okay. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this one. I don't know if I'm strong enough to lose my best friend.
I don't know what else to do or say besides the fact that I love and I am so sorry.
Things changed so quickly that I didnt' even see them coming. It was too short. We were supposed to love each other for beyond forever and now I'm just lost.
I wish you were here at least to hold me while I cried. Instead I type away and get my keyboard all wet and salty because I don't want to write it out. Some strange pitiful hope that you'll read these someday, turn to me and tell me I don't have to worry about this happening ever again. That somehow we can exist again.
Part of me feels like a fool for even thinking such a thing, but the other part of me has to have hope. I have to have hope that the past four years meant something to you and you honestly love me. That your heart keeps no record of wrongs and can forgive me. I have to have hope that you and I can smile together again or else I dont' know what I'll do.
I'm scared, and I'm alone, and all I can do is cry when no one is around.
Scream, cry, and beg to the sky that you hear me. Scream your name into my pillow every night as tears run down my face and whisper that I love you when I can't scream anymore.

Nick, I love you. I miss you, I need you I want you. Be with me, love me, want me too, tell me you miss me too.
Hold me while I cry because I don't want anyone else to. Whisper in my ear that everything is going to be alright. Please tell me that we can get through this because I don't want to, I can't live life without you.

To Stay Away

To be asked to stay away from you? To pull away and ignore you? I don't know if I can do that. The forced proximity we will have that used to be desired will most definitely be a factor. That and perhaps I don't want to pull away. Such is life I suppose. I feel sick and twisted and confused, but then again I'm a teenage girl. What else is to be expected of me?
Still though I am determined. I have to have hope. Without it I'll be lost. I pull this hope from inside of myself now, instead of from you. My source of light and joy in my life. I have to find another place, and now I look in the place that I have been so afraid to look in for so long- inside of myself.
It's a dark and scary place, adn yet, I have to search here. Elsewhere I feel only desolation, so now where else is there to look? And now I know I'm stronger than I was before. I am challenged to look inside of myself and I realize just how amazing it is. I look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl growing into a beautiful young lady. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am beautfiul.

I never would have seen it if it weren't for you. Thank you.

Sunshine

Happy New Year to all of you who bother to read this!
May God bless and keep you and all of your loved ones!
Notice, I did not say family. For some family is your blood relatives, for others family is so much more than that... So to be sure that my meaning is clear, I truly do mean all of those who you love and keep dear to you. The end of my year suddenly hit me with a pang of hurt and sorrow, but who's to say that it won't make me stronger? This time I know my faults, and I will not take more blame than is my worth. I have cried, but I will not steep in my own sorrow. It is a new year, and the sun is shining.
I refuse to let that part of me that sees only the bad thrive. I have my hope, and that's all that is really needed. I look far too much to the negative, and now life is showing me that the negative is not who I was meant to be. I am loud and happy. That is who I choose to be.
The new year though does bring it's own challenge for me. My new years resolution, a challenge... If you know me at all it's quite obvious I would have picked something challenging for myself. If you truly know me you will also expect me to fail. This year though I feel something different. A strange determination fills my heart that I have not felt before. So now I will choose to be wiser, and think before I speak.
Yes, that is my new years resolution. I hope you do not think I will beging to censor my thoughts and words. Au contraire messiuer-dames! I will still voice out my thoughts and opinions when I deem it appropriate to. I believe that it is rather I will choose my words more carefully. The english language has words that have such careful connotations, and more often than not I ignore those connotations in my speech. So now I think before I speak in the hopes of improving who I am.
A new me, and a new year. How cliche. Well I suppose it's not to be helped, I'm quite the cliche person.