Why can't I ever tap into 'happy' ?

I like to look back at all my old blogs. Read them all, read through my words in the past and think of all those old emotions. I have a couple on myspace. I have a couple on here. I have old things I've written that are personal. Well. How come so many of them are so sad? Why do I always write about sad things? Pity, losing love, missing out on something. Pain and sorrow. Even what I'm writing now. It's frustration for not being to be able to write about being happy. Why can't I ever write about happy things? Why can't I ever think of something happy like my friends and keep it that way, and never think of losing them someday or living without them. Why can't I just think about the good things I have now? Why do I always have to be afraid. I keep looking at so many flaws. That is a flaw in itself. See what I'm doing to myself now?
Tell me I'm not alone. Tell me that I'm not the only one who just pretend to see sunshine and rainbows, when all I can see are the rainclouds. I can write so well about my pain. But I can't speak it. I can't vocalize it. I can easily vocalize when I'm happy, but I can never write about it. Maybe I'm meant to work on that. Work on vocalizing my sorrows, and writing and remembering my joys. Maybe that's why I'm made this way. Hey. What do you know. Happy Thoughts :]

When People Ask If I Love Him? Well . . . I lie.

This is my version of "I'd Lie" by Taylor Swift. I changed some of the lyrics to be more exact and more accurate. Added some punctuation here and there, Yay punctuation! haha...

Id Lie - Taylor Swift

I don’t ever think that walking home
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his life
And I listen hoping that no one cries
It's not time to fall in love he says
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I smile, even though I know he's right
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his different smiles And..

[chorus]
I could tell you his favorite colors green(and blue)
He's just so stubborn, born on the twentieth
His room's quite colorful, he has his mother’s eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I’d lie

He looks up at the sky
Trying to get past what's the truth
Doesn't he realize by now?
Doesn’t he know I’ve been waiting here for so long?
He only sees his world, it's his, "that's right,"
Doesn't let anybody know he cries
I try not to let nobody see me wishing he was mine

[chorus]
I could tell you his favorite colors green(and blue)
He's just so stubborn, born on the twentieth
His room's quite colorful, he has his mother’s eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I’d lie

He stops, then decides to walk away
My god if I could only say that he really didn't have to...
He’d never tell you but he's chasing dreams
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I see him is
How's he so wonderful?
So I take a breath
And i'll pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you his favorite books are fantasy
He's just so stubborn oh and I love it.
He always smells so wonderful, he has his father's smile
And if you asked me if I love him
If you ask me if I love him
I’d lie

It Hurts To Say Goodbye When You Don't Need To

He doesn't understand. He doesn't know how much it hurts. To see him that way and to never know why. He never says anything and he never tells me. He doesn't know that I cry at night because I don't want him to feel pain. Maybe if I cry and feel pain for him it won't hurt as much. he never tells me why his eyes are dark and glazed over even as he's holding my hand. He doesn't even look at me when i try and bury my face into his chest. He just exists and stares into space, contemplating whatever problem, or situation, or whatever is his focus at the moment. It's not that I want to be the only thing he thinks about. I just wish that somehow I could help. I'll talk to him one moment and he sounds tired, weak, older then he really is, just so very much... not happy. The next moment I hear his voice happy and jovial, apologizes for his earlier mood then simply says goodbye to me. It hurts to hear goodbye because he doesn't realize that soon we really will have to say goodbye. He's become my other half and he doesn't even know how much it hurts, or how many tears I shed because I fear that change. I was so used to change, I used to embrace it. Change only erased all my past hurt, but now this change erases all of my past joy. Change, this new beginning, I have to accept it, but I could never accept not being a part of his life anymore. He says it's my choice, that only I can be strong. Ofcourse because those words make this choice so much easier... I thank God for everything that he's given me, but why is he taking it away from me? I can feel him slipping away through my fingers. Sometimes he holds me tight and I can smile. Sometimes he smiles at me with those bright ice blue eyes. Those beautiful happy eyes such a vibrant blue that's brighter then the sky, with that tiny inner ring of sea green, the barely hinting outer borderof only the lightest of brown, and those beautiful flecks of the brightest gold and the tiniest specks of brown. So beautiful that any painter, or a camera could ever capture them. I can smile when he's like that. I can be happy because he's happy. I can ignore the world and stop everything else. The only thing pulling me back to reality is another friends touch. Then there are the times when he doesn't smile, and if I call to him he looks at me as if I were some disturbance, something trivial that he wished were never there. I tell myself he doesn't realize that he looks at me that way, and that if he could control it he would never... He doesn't smile and his eyes darken. They dull. They're only a dull blue, the color of the sky when the sky is hinting at a possible rain in the future. Those beautiful gold flecks disappear, and the dark brown beomes more pronounced. When the rings bordering that dark blue darken even more. The dull colors become even more dull because he's not really with me. He's exploring somewhere else in his mind, and I try to call him back, but when I do I only get shoved off for him to return to where ever it was, or I am left with someone in a negative sort of mood. He says that it hurts him to see me turn away. He says it hurts that I have that power. Doesn't he realize that it hurts to see him walk away from me? That it's only if he says goodbye to me and smiles, kisses me gently on the head or on my lips, only then I can smile while he leaves despite my sadness at his departure? Doesn't he realize that despite the hurt of him walking away it hurts even more when I have to walk away? Doesn't he realize that I just want to be with him forever, and walking away from that hurts with ever step? Every step farther from him breaks my heart, and when I'm far from him my heart beats only lightly and slowly? Does he know that when I'm with him my heart begins to pound, and it races? I only wish to understand him more, and I can't ask for full understanding in a single moment, but only over time. I wish he would tell me though. We love each other equally, but he has loved me longer, I admit to that. Couldn't he try and open to me though? I try and open to him. It's hard enough for me to open to anyone but the one that is part of me. But I try because he's my other half. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. Maybe to you I sound like a silly puppy-love teenager. Maybe to you what I'm saying now is so idiotic, that you can't bear to think of this stupid little girl and her "love". He is my darling. My love. My dearest. My everything. My world. But I'm not stupid. I have to say goodbye to him soon. When that time comes I will accept it, especially since it seems to be racing towards me even if I refuse to move my feet. I only wish that in the little time we have left that I could try and understand him as much as I could. That we were as close as could possibly be. I wish that in the least... he would tell me what pains him. That maybe I could help. That's all I want. For him to be happy. I would sacrifice everything I had for his joy. I've already sacrificed so much for him... Doesn't he see that I could sacrifice even more?

Inspire Me...

Inspire me...
I need to be inspired. Some people can be inspired from dreams that they have. Yet some people don't dream. Does that mean that they cannot be inspired? As far back as I can remember, I have only had a small number of dreams, and all of them have come true, except for the nightmares. There are people who believe that every dream means something. So what does it mean if whatever you dream comes true? When I dream, it is not necessarily what I want or feel, it's just there, not able to be controlled. I am also the one that experiences deja vu way too much. I am constantly having the thought that something has happened before, even when it hasn't. For example, one time when I was in seventh grade, I was in my science class led by the awesome Mr. Williamson. It was one day when he was asking about the semi-circular canals in your ear. I had remembered him telling us about them the day before so I raised my hand and gave him the answer to what they were. After I was done, everyone was looking at me and asking how I knew what they were. I told them that he told us yesterday, but no one know what I was talking about. Even Mr. Williamson didn't think he had told us what they were. In that, I knew something without knowing that I knew, and without knowing where I got the information from. After that, I began noticing all of the times when I had the feeling that something happened before, or when I knew something that I didn't know that I knew, and had no explanation for how I knew. It happened surprisingly often.

I didn't know what to make of it, and I still don't. I have all these feelings, feelings that nobody else can really relate to. The better I know somebody, the more I know about them without them having to tell me, and the better I can know what they're thinking. Not many people are okay with the wierd things that happen in my head. Lucky for me, as said before, I have Mei, by best of freinds to be there to accept me for the person that I am. She doesn't always understand it, the wierd things, but she is always okay with it, and I love her for it.

My sense, it's almost like an animal sense. I can tell what a person is feeling, especially when it's a person that I know well. I can know what they're feeling, even when they are able to hide the feeling from everybody else. I could never figure out how I know, but it's there, and for once, somone likes me for always knowing, Mei.

Without her, I would be alone, never showing anyone my true insides.

Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.

Haha... what is love?



Love hurts. It's cold. It's the most painful thing to ever experience. It's full of betrayals, pains. Believe it or not Love is also full of hate. Love has made me cry more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me cry at night. Love is what has made me hate waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like swords piercing through me over and over. Love makes me feel cold and alone sometimes. Love is what shuts me inside, and makes me hide underneath layers and layers of masks. Love is what makes me stare blankly at a wall sometimes, or makes me stand out in the cold rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of suicide. Love is what has made me push others away.

Love. Drives. Me. Crazy.



But Love...Love heals. It's warm. It's the most amazing thing to ever experience. It's full of care,feeling. Believe it or not Love is also indescribable. Love has made me smile more than anything else i've ever experienced. Love is what makes me smile at night. Love is what has made me love waking up in the mornings. Love to me feels like a warm blanket that just envelopes me over and over. Love makes me feel warm and supported. Love is what opens me up, and helps me to expose who I am to others. Love is what makes me interact, or makes me dance in the rain. Love is what has driven me to thoughts of the future. Love is what has made me bring others closer.



I may be young. I may seem enexperienced. But I know I have loved. In many different ways. I no longer try to define love. I no longer try to understand love. I can only try and describe Love. I could never describe love in general though. You'd have to ask about a certain person.

It's like history. History doesn't repeat itself. The Idea's repeat. Similar to the idea of Love. History's details will never repeat ever again. I know this sounds odd, to compare an emotion so complex and so devestating to something so... well. Odd. As History.



It drives you crazy right?



Love is so many different things. Painful and wonderful all in one. At church once during the homily the priest was talking about love. Relationships. In relationships it's balance as well. You have to understand that you have to sacrifice if you expect to gain anything, if you truly want a loving relationship. If you really love someone wouldn't you want to give them the world anyway? Even if it meant a little bit of pain to yourself'? I understand there are lines that must be drawn, but I will open my life a bit to give an example to you.

My family is close to losing our home. Two thirds of our income relies on my father selling cars. Worst of all he sells high class luxury cars. You would think that he makes a lot of money? No. Not with a failing economy that the United States is experiencing now. The other third of our income, my mother, all goes straight to maintaining the house, buying food, and supporting my Grandmother and older brother in the Phillipines. We're... Several thousand dollars in debt with family, so in that way atleast we don't have to pay back interest. We barely make our house payments now. And yet... My father pays maybe two thousand dollars in fees, among other nescessities for what I do just so that I can have experience. So that I can reach my maximum potential. That is love. That is sacrifice. There are greater stories out there that I can tell you.
Greater things that have occured.
When people first think of Love they think of a couple holding hands. Or somethign somewhat related.
When I first think of love... Oddly enough. I think of my parents arguing. That's another story for another day though.

What is love?

You guessed it. I'm Nichole. Mei's best friend. Like her, i didn't realize what she could mean to me. She was never a major proirity to me when we were younger. Now... now, i would be so lost and lonely without her that I wouldn't know what to do. I would also admit that I would get jealous if she found another best friend that could replace me. Her and I make a wierd friendship. We are so different, yet think so alike. We can read and know each other's thoughts on a subject without hearing the other say anything. We aren't afraid to tell each other anything, and we accept each other for the person they are and no one else. Anyone who knows us would not think that we are as close as we are, but put us together, and well, we're nearly inseperable (unless her boyfriend's there).

What is love? Is it a feeling, or is it much more? Is it a fire? Or a want? Or a burning passion? Why is it that there are no words for such things? I have felt something of love once, and I know, that no words can explain the feeling, the rush of burning desire. Love is almost like happiness. Not just laughing and having fun, but pure happiness. The kind that starts as a feeling in your chest and expands until it fills your whole body. A feeling that can't just be overcome with simple will. Is love a different feeling for every person? Or is it just that each person has there own way of describing the feeling? How many types of love are there really? Or is it just that you love others at different degrees? Why is it that love cannot be controlled? You cannot stop loving a person like you stop loving a color. When you love somebody, truly love somebody, you cannot control it, you cannot stop it just like that. Why is it that you find it when you least expect it, or don't want it at all? Why can it not be controlled? Do people love so they can be hurt? If you don't love something or someone, your heart will not be broken so easily. Why do people have to love something? Love seems that it leads to hurt more than it leads to a happily ever after. The more you love, the more you're looking to get hurt, and feel a pain, and not one that a band-aid can heal. It's something that takes much more time, a wound so deep it cuts right through your heart and out the other side. It can make you feel helpless and alone, but people tend to forget about such things when they think about love. They only think about happiness, not about the great sadness and pain lurking just around the corner. Why would they? Isn't just so much better to be thinking about love making you happy at the moment, instead of the possibility of love hurting you in the future? When people get together with someone, they don't stop and think, "I know that this isn't going to be forever." Everytime people get together, they tell each other that it will be forever, they promise it even. How often does it actually happen? That people stay together forever. In this world, maybe two in a million. Maybe less. People never stop to think about these things when they get together with somebody. They only think about their feeling that it WILL last forever, and that this is the person that they are meant to be with. Yet, they have the same feeling, and the same thoughts in every relationship. People seem to believe that every time they love, they will get their happily ever after. This is the person they were meant to be with and now they will get their fairy tale ending. Yet, we all know that fairy tale endings don't exist. Though a person may find the very person that they've needed their whole life, they're not going to all of a sudden end up with a perfect life. Perhaps the reason that people believe that they will have a fairy tale ending is because they just need something to believe in. Maybe it's because they're tired of their life and they need to believe that someday, it will all go away, and they will be able to live the perfect life they always wanted. Those are the people that need a reason to get up out of bed everyday. Perhaps they need a reason to keep on going on, to keep living their life, and to not give up on everything. Why is it that people build themselves up for a let down when they finally discover that the chances of them ever finding the perfect person it pretty slim, and the chances of having a fairy tale ending are even slimmer. They continue to believe, as they continue to believe in true love. Is either real? I wouldn't know, but I am sure that we'll all find out someday.

That being said, what exactly IS love?

It's The Trivial Thing.

The holiday season comes to a close.
A new year begins.

I look back at the past and realize how many changes I went through. How many masks I had to put on to try and find out who I am, and if I could be accepted.

What a stupid stupid thing to do.

My friends back then would have accepted me for who I am. Well... Who I was.
I had a friend back then too who would have accepted me for who I am, but I never saw her as important... Now. Well. I don't know if I could live without her. I'd die from everything pent up inside of me if it weren't for her. I thank her in every way possible. We're so different, we're on absolutely different path's for life. Yet... She mean's the world to me, and I'll admit I'd be jealous if she got close with anyone else but me! We've been friends for so long, but only now we're realizing just how much we need each other.

I've had so much heartbreak. I've fallen in love. I've been confused and unsure of myself. At one point I began hurting myself. It took a long break, and meeting someone really special to realize that. While my heart is still on the mend, I've found someone to protect my heart while it heals. Someone who I know would never break my heart. Someone who cherishes me more then I cherish him. We bicker sometimes as to who loves each other more. Well, we used to. Now though we've decided that we love each other equally at an amount that shoots past the very edges of space and time, but he's loved me longer. He has always loved me longer.

Well now. There is something that I really must wright about. People don't even think twice sometimes about the way they think. The way they see things. People, or maybe it was just me in utter ignorance, only see things the way they see it and don't like to look at anything the other way.I met someone in the past year who opened my eyes. Who changed who I am. Before we go that far back though I'll go back to December only, somewhere in the first half. I was having a pleasant conversation with Ryan. How dear he is to me. Sorry my thoughts wander.
Yes I was talking with Ryan and I forget how this came about...
But I talked to him and I told him.
Because it's true.
Ryan has changed my life in a way that can never be reversed. The things he's said to me, or the unexpected actions he's taken are so unlike to what I had been used to. The way I thought was so different back then, so narrow. All the things he's said to me had always made me think. In doing that he changed who I am. He's changed the way I think, the way I see things, partially a bit in the way I act. Not majorly in the way I act mind you, I will always be me. But he has changed my mind and my view. Taking a quote from Mr. Waldram. He took off my glasses.
I see the world differently thanks to him. Now I know I've become a different person on the inside. I can't say if it's for the better, or for the worse, or in line with what I used to be. I should think I've changed for the better.
He told me that meant more to him then well... You can fill in the blank.

Sometimes in life we ignore these changes in who we are. Sometimes we have those moments. Those moments where suddenly we just understand and we see. Our eyes become open.
It's those trivial things that are important.