The Purpose of Not Existing

If you had $100,000 to give away, to what person(s) or organization(s) would you give it?
(If you were watching the American TV network Fox last night, you know where this idea came from.)

Most likely I would give it to some environmental or educational organization. i know it's not very imaginative but it's what i do. i feel guilty for not saying my parents though. for all that they've done and the troubles that they now face, but maybe that's because i know they can make it. despite what i see as flaws. they have. how can i think of this so simply? when really it's so big. -end of minute-

Two days ago my AP world history teacher just let us sit and chat for the first few minutes of class. Us as students of course were oblivious to what he did, and just ignored him continuing with our chatting. I was gossiping with a wonderful friend, and once that was done I had gone on to read Eragon. (I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I have not read it before, but I finished it yesterday) Next thing I know I hear this odd whirring sound. My eyes flash up from the text in the book to see Mr. Waldram with an electric power drill standing in front of us. We were a bit confused... and as he went on it went from confusing, to annoying, to obnoxious, to just plain the biggest nuisance in the room.
I of course thinking it was pointless, and not understanding how this could relate to World History whatsoever went on to read my book. As I read though I listened. From the drill they talked about power, the power he had over the class. They spoke of modern technology and how we are so attached to it. Of course as our class seems to enjoy teasing Mr. Waldram, and he welcomes it with a smile, they went on to speak of how silly and pointless hit thoughts were. It would be wrong of me to not admit I had parallel thoughts.
As their conversation drew on, it bored me, these thoughts weren't unique at all. I had heard them all before and none gave me much interest, so I continued to read. Then Mr. Waldram took my book. Yes I was upset. Yes I kind of sort have might have sat there glaring at him with my arms crossed. Maybe...
Then I was mumbling under my breath at how pointless it was, and I must have said it loud enough to hear because he encouraged me to go on with that idea.
I talked about the pointlessness of this exercise, and even more the pointlessness of the drill. If I had walked over and unplugged the drill it would have simply been matter sitting there without power or purpose. And of course he asked me to go on. I (still with a frustration in my voice I'm sure) talked about the point of existence and purpose. How some thing exist with the purpose to benefit. While others exist for the purpose of loss and other such nativities and in doing so benefit the world by creating a balance. Do things exist for a purpose? Do things not exist for a purpose? There are so many things we could imagine up and I'm sure more, why don't those things exist? Perhaps them not existing is their purpose. Their purpose is to exist only in imagination... But if an object existed in imagination, does it still exist thought it doesn't exist in a tangible object? Dark is absence of light, and cold is the absence of heat. Then is not believing lack of faith? Is stupidity a lack of wisdom and intelligence? One of my classmates said it was starting to sound like the things I post on my blog. He echoed my thoughts of posting the thoughts I had come up with and smiled to myself.
They went on to talk and I sat there giving up in my frustration of having to speak in circles. If one continues to ask why or what then one will never reach an answer. I thought this was the job of philosophers.
While i mumbled to my friend at how pointless this all was she said to me.

Maybe it's not how you reach a point, maybe it's the way getting there.

Thankful

One Minute Writer: who do you thank for something as amazing as the gift i've been given?The gift of being different. and the gift of knowing i'm different.the human mind craves to fit in while i know i do not. I'm thankful for the people i know now. the people i used to know. thankful that i know and love God and am grateful for him in my life. thankful for my sister. my mother-*end of minute*

Sadly enough I know that this simple cartoon, no matter how funny it may be, isn't much of an exaggeration. Over the weekend I had been a Legal at our own Tustin High Schools 16th annual Model United Nations Conference. I had to do the paperwork, grade caucus, watch the timer, the speakers list, take roll etc etc. Surprisingly... I had a lot of fun...
Why does the human society, on any scale at all, believe that to raise one's self up you have to push others down and use them as stepping stones. I used to believe (yes I know i'm about to paint quite the morbid image and i'm terribly sorry for that) that to get ahead in life you had to push other people down in the ground and use them as stepping stones. As if you were trapped in a well with a lot of other struggling people and that to reach the top I had to 'dispose' of these others and build myself a staircase. Ants sacrifice themselves in such a way to help their society. To cross a body of water ants will sometimes drown themselves creating a bridge for the rest to walk across. Thanks to experience, and some amazing people that have influenced my views on life, I know now that it is possible to climb high without having to dispose of others. To climb high without stepping on others. Take the well image for example. One can simply take resources and create a ladder, a rope and pull themselves high. You don't always have to put others down, be thankful and gracious for what you have. Sometimes people feel lost and without a cause, and so to try and find their way they push around people who have. Then those people become lost too.
I'm glad I now know this lesson, or I could never be comfortable with who I am. Perhaps I still don't know who I truly am, (i'm only just turned fifteen mind you!) but I do know this. I know I will be comfortable with who I was, and who I am to become.

I have Sacrificed...

MY PANTS AND MY SHOES FOR THIS PLAY >:0

this blog won't be as formal as the past couple
so don't expect it to be.

This is crazy though, so hectic. Opening night is a week from today!
It's going to be just wonderful!
I get that other people at my school think it's an absolutely loser-ish thing to do...
but hey I don't see anyone else getting up on stage acting like an idiot to get people to laugh! {and someones gotta do it! why not me?}

My pants are yellow, and they're supposed to be blue
my shoes are yellow, they're supposed to be black
my hair is a variety of colors as are my hands!
This is just wonderfully amazing!!!

I've gotten several teachers to offer extra credit for their class to get people to go!
Mr. Miller, Mr. Trev and Mr. Waldram, i'm going to talk to Mrs. Levine and Mrs. Hopkins as well as my other teachers.

I'm really excited! Though I can't find a plain orange shirt =[
Ah! I'm being called for! The life of demanding parents. Though I wish they cared more.
That's a topic for another day!

this wasn't really an orange... twas more of a tangerine :0

If You Had Known What's Happening Now...

A good friend of mine asked me the other day...

If you had known what was going to happen to us, while we were on our first date, would you still have dated me?

I had never thought about this question before so I answered...

To tell you the truth I really don't know.

So then we just keep going along on our way to school, then I decide to ask...

What about you?

Then he tells me...

Yes. You were once essential to my life. Once.

Now at this statement I was quite shocked. To be essential to someone in their life. To be needed? I've never heard someone say that to me before. Perhaps someone to say I've made their life better, or that I have somehow made some difference in their life, but to be truly NEEDED?
So then the rest of the day my mind dwelled on that question, and well, I dwell on it now. He asked me this question wednesday morning mind you, so I have been thinking on it for several days now.
Are essential and needed the same thing though?
And how do you lose the need for someone? Do you avoid it, and fight that need until it simply disappears? Do I need the people in my life now? I have friends who I would go crazy without...without my parents... could I survive? yes. Will I be the person I am now? Maybe not... My sister? Has she made an impact that's necessary?

Why am I thinking of impact now, when I was talking about necessity? Do I need my darling dearest in my life? Does he need me? Did I need the person who asked me this question when he needed me? Even more importantly. Do I need him in the past, to be who I am in the present?
This particular person changed me I know that much.
Maybe everyone comes into your life and makes a difference. They all change you in some way right?
Maybe we need everyone in our lives in the past or we wouldn't be who we are now, but we didn't need them then?
Time is continuous afterall.
Dwell on these thoughts.
Dwell on the orange.
Peel the orange.
Take a slice.
Peel off the covering of that.
Pick apart all the little droplets.
Think about the orange.
And tell me what you find.

You may now continue living your regular lives.

Sweet Nothings : The things that don't seem like much, but they really are

So we all know that there are those small things that people do in relationships. The things that seem like they're nothing at all, when really they mean so much. They're sweet and adorable. They're sweet nothings. The things that might be seen as insignificant, but truly they could mean the world to some people. As we all know on myspace((whoot myspace!)) there are many bulletins. Some sweet, some stupid. Now, let us go to a sweet one. Shall we? One specifically with sweet nothings. Of course, this blog wouldn't be my own instead of some random posting if I didn't include my thoughts now would it? So you shall find my thoughts interlaced through these sweet nothings, and feel free to add your own if you wish!

When she stare​s at your mouth​
[ Kiss her ]
What I'd like to know darling, is what girl truly stares at a boys mouth? I admit I glance once in a while, but I never stare! If the one I loved did catch me glancing though, then just cupped my chin in his hands, and then simply kissed me gently, then pulled away, looked in my eyes and smiled. That right there would be sweet.

When she pushe​s you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she think​s shes stron​ger than you
[ Grab her and dont let go ]
It's true. Even if she fights. Never let her go. She adores you and she loves you to pieces. She just loves teasing you. Fighting with someone is an excuse for skin to brush. Then when you hold her... She feels like the world is melting away.

When she start​s cursi​ng at you tryin​ to act all tuff
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
She just might give you a goofy smile then melt in your arms...

When she'​​​​​​s quiet​
[ Ask her whats​ wrong​ ]
Even if she says nothing, you should know her well enough that something is wrong. It'll depend on her, and the situation she's in if you should leave her alone or persist. It's a judgement call from that point. But simply that you asked (perhaps even twice?) will show her that you care.

When she ignor​es you
[ Give her your atten​tion ]
DO NOT. I REPEAT DO NOT draw attention to yourself. She just might be trying to see if you'll get her to notice you. It's adorable when boys try to get our attention and pretend they're not doing anything at all...

When she pulls​ away
[ Pull her back ]
AND AGAIN! never. let. go. You're holding one of the most precious gems in the world. Never let go.

When you see her at her worst
​[ Tell her she'​​​​​​s beaut​iful ]
She should be beautiful to you no matter what.

When you see her start​ cryin​g
[​​​​​​Just hold her and dont say a word ]
Sometimes you don't need words at all. She just wants to know your there. Do you notice a recurring theme? Hold her. Hold her close.

When you see her walki​ng
[ Sneak​ up and hug her waist​ from behin​d ]
She'll laugh, squeal and try and push you away (refer to above not about being pushed away!!!)

When she'​​​​​​s scare​d
[ Prote​ct her ]
Be her knight in shining armour. Even if you don't think you are.

When she steal​s your favor​ite hat
[ Let her keep it and sleep​ with it for a night​ ]
Make some effort to get it back though. It's a cute little game of cat and mouse...

When she tease​s you
[ Tease​ her back and make her laugh​ ]
Every girl loves it if you make her laugh. It's proof that you make her happy. And yes. You WANT her to be HAPPY!

When she doesn​'​​​​​​t answe​r for a long time
[ reass​ure her that every​thing​ is okay ]
Because that's what she's thinking. 'Oh dear what's wrong?!'

When she looks​ at you with doubt
​[ Back yours​elf up ]
You want to be her knight in shining armour. You appear to be perfect to her!

When she says that she likes​ you
[SHE REALL​Y DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD​ UNDER​STAND​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​]​​​​​​
Because girls crave being around people. And if there's someone special they crave being around someone special.

When she grabs​ at your hands
​[ Hold her'​​​​​​s and play with her finge​rs ]
She'll LOVE IT

When she bumps​ into you.
[ bump into her back and make her laugh​ ]
Again. Make. Her. Laugh!

When she tells​ you a secre​t
[ keep it safe and untol​d ]
She has to know she trusts you!

When she looks​ at you in your eyes
[ dont look away until​ she does ]
Wouldn't you want to stare into them forever anyway?

When she says it's over
[ she still​ wants​ you to be hers ]
Unless you really hurt her. Then she really means it.

When she repos​ts this bulle​tin[ she wants​ you to read it ]
Because she actually wants you to remember these things, and do THEM!

- Stay on the phone​ with her even if she'​​​​​​s not sayin​g anyth​ing.​​​​
She'll just be happy listening to you.

- When she'​​​​​​s mad hug her tight​ and don'​​​​​​t let go
Again under the category of. HOLD HER

- When she says she'​​​​​​s ok dont belie​ve it, talk with her
Find out what's really up. She'll love you.

- becau​se 10 yrs later​ she'​​​​​​ll remem​ber you
As somethign positive too!

- Call her at 12:​​​​​​00am on her birth​day to tell her you love her
Be the first person to talk to her on her birthday, she'll adore you.

- Treat​ her like she'​​​​​​s all that matte​rs to you.
Or at least one of the more important things...

- Stay up all night​ with her when she'​​​​​​s sick.
No matter how yucky she may get, she'll adore you for it!

​​​​- Watch​ her favor​ite movie​ with her or her favor​ite show even if you think​ it's stupi​d.​​​​
It's an excuse to spend time with her!

- Give her the world​.​​​​
Or at least somewhat close to it! -wink-

- Let her wear your cloth​es.
It means she loves the way you smell...

​​​​- When she'​​​​​​s bored​ and sad, hang out with her.
It'll make her feel a lot better

- Let her know she'​​​​​​s impor​tant.​​​​
She wants to be important. to YOU.

- Kiss her in the pouri​ng rain.
Plain and simple. It's sexy.

​​​​- When she runs up to you cryin​g,​​​​​​ the first​ thing​ you say is;"​​​​​​Whose​ ass am I kicki​ng baby?​​​​​​"​​​​​​
Then proceed to do something ABOUT IT!



Small things that let her know you love her. You know like that disney song. "How does she know that you love her?" You have got to let her know. Sometimes just saying it isn't enough. It's easy to lie. You have to prove it.

How To Be A Child

In Advanced Theatre Arts (now further referred to as ATA), taught by the wonderful and amazing Mrs. Jones (the ever persistent drama teacher, who works with the little she has and provides an amazing experience for her students who choose to grasp it) has currently begun our first production of the 08-09 school year. This production is called "How to Eat Like A Child". (If I have gotten it wrong and it's actually "How to Be A Child") I'll be quite embarrassed! You see this would be my first year in the ATA program. I was in her second period beginning drama class for the 07-08 school year. My freshman year. Seeing as how I am now a sophomore that would make sense would it not? We've been working on the lines, blocking, and choreography for our prologue (non of which I should give away though how I wish I could!). The choreography being done by the lovely Miss Michelle.

Now that I've prattled on though and giving you background information, perhaps we should move on to something VASTLY more interesting. The point of this blog in the first place.

As a young child (believe it or not those who know me personally) I was shy,quiet... I wasn't the person that everyone in the school new. I went to Saint Scholastica's Academy for girls. (A saint with the most interesting history I just must write about another time!) I was the girl with the bob cut who sat at the back of the room all the time and played by herself. I would constantly be found in the library, or perhaps in the chapel. Once I got to know people a little bit I would be seen tagging a long behind them. Once I had my first crush (who yes despite the baggy school uniform, chewed on fingernails and being one year his junior had a crush on me) I would be seen walking next to him (which is a big step up from walking behind a group of squealing first graders)!

Despite my quite and introverted personality my name was generally known due to my family's prestige in business and past celebrity like things, and my interactions with the fields of modeling and academic competition. I was a cheerleader and enjoyed doing things of the such. I was in the math club and was constantly with my socialite of an aunt. I would be seen in the latest fashion and the such... But i was still shy and quiet, except around a select few people. As I got older and came to the states, I grew to finally accept the spotlight when it came to me and embraced it. It would be wrong of me not to admit that I take center stage whenever I can! (Oh dear... odd statement, my blocking for the first scene of the play I am front and center! oh dear I just gave something away!!!) That transition is another time, but now lets revert to my purpose of the play shall we?

I see this play almost like my chance to be the child I never was. The child I am now. Loud, and hyper, running around the playground not afraid to get hurt little child who talks to everyone. This is my chance to be... well. To simply be what I am now that I wasn't then! It's the chance to just skip around the stage, to be childish. What child does not love to perform, simply to please others? Even better, I get to please children. Show them that when you're older, that it's still okay to do the silly little things that a child does.

My thoughts have stopped seeing as how I'm carrying on several conversations. I'm sorry I really couldn't elaborate on my point, that upsets me. I had so many thoughts and they only come down to this? How terrible of me...

I hope that you all have enjoyed this little orange, or have at least gotten to know me somewhat better... (seeing as how this would only be my second post... all of them are on myspace still!)

Now In the Words of a Great friend named Jonathan:

You may now return to your regular lives.

If a poet had no words, would he leave his poem blank?

I'm not sure about what, but I feel like writing. The emptiness of my thoughts and emotions of the current moment pouring out onto a page. How would that appear? Would a poet, with nothing to write, leave a poem blank?Would a person, with no thoughts on the day, leave a blank page in their journal?If one has no words, one should not speak, yet they do.We carry on conversations without thought sometimes, why do we find words when we have others around.How come sometimes we have no words if there's one certain person in our midst?Maybe it's not that we are at a loss of words, or thought, but that somehow in the translation from thought to sound, it's lost. Perhaps we're not sure how to express ourselves, or how to...well yes express ourselves. Perhaps part of the thought is lost in the thought process, then more is lost in the translation to speech or written hand.Young children speak their minds though, and they know exactly what they mean and what they think. What has happened as we age?Is it that their thoughts are so simplistic that they pass through the channels running from thought to speech so easily without obstruction?Perhaps it is the mere fact that we are hiding ourselves from the world. That we continue to mask who we really are, that we begin to subconsciously filter our thoughts before they are exposed. Then they are not our thoughts at all. They are simply what we wish society to see. Look around you one day and notice, everyone looks "normal". If you were to see someone off beat, wouldn't you think a bit negatively of them?It's this reaction that we fear. As human beings we crave to be loved. Even by complete strangers to some form or level. There are times when we can truly be ourselves. Around other people, or when we are by ourselves. When we put time aside to be with God.Some of us have learned to be ourselves no matter what. Maybe that is why so many people are captivated by poetry.The poets have learned to reveal the nakedness of their thoughts, hearts, souls.
A poet would never leave his poem blank. He would fill his poem with the emptiness of his thoughts. Which in turn, would no longer be emptiness