The Hundreth Post Which Just Like The Others Is About Life and Love

Dear... How do i start with dear in these sort of things?
     What's more appropriate? Hey? What's up? -Nick? Yes, that one?
Nick,    
     I'm at a loss for words and yet I write. My speech flows more when I write but I'm also much more uncensored. So please, bear with me?
     I've never been good with the English language. I speak before I think, just trusting the immediate meaning of a word rather than it's connotations. I'm self centered, think way too often about myself instead of seeing what I do to those around me. In retrospect do I realize what I've done what I do. Many times I make the same mistake again before I finally learn.
     I just thought about this, but sorry if this is hard to read.      
     I'm still a child. I make mistakes and I try my best to learn from them, but I don't. I'm a far cry from the young woman I want to be. I'm anxious all the time. I choose to expect the worst because I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up. I'm afraid of the world failing me and life pushing me down. I've learned to expect the least, to be happy with what I have. I know I don't deserve to have the things I do. I don't deserve to be happy, and yet I am. I push away those who love me, and don't let them get close to me. that way when they leave me I won't miss them as much. I think, feel, and believe such desolate things, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it all. There is that hopeful part of me, though it doesn't seem to come out in private too often. I dwell in the past, afraid it will dictate my future. When I see a similarity suddenly I worry that I'm going down the same path. I either worry continuously until I've forgotten about it, or I fight too hard against it, instead of seeing what will be I only see what was.
    I have flaws. I make mistakes, and I'm only human. I'm sorry. Sorry that I've caused you pain. I'm sorry that I've hurt someone who means so much to me. I'm sorry I looked at the darker side of things. I'm so happy around you that none of it could possibly be real. Something had to be wrong and i had to find it.     
     I'm sorry i brought up my ex's all the time, they meant a lot to me, but they're the past (you are were are were) You're my present. I didn't see what was in front of me because I was too focused on what was behind me rather then treating you like my boyfriend I still tried to act like you were my best friend. I wasn't careful about what I said, I should have changed, been more willing to move forward but I didn't. I'm sorry for drifting out of reality. For not smiling every time I saw you or letting you know how much i love you each and every moment I'm sorry for not appreciating all the little things you've done for me over the years. even the big things like being my shoulder to cry on, and my friend. for loving me. 
     There's still so much to learn and understand about each other. There are so many sides to you, and I should put in the effort to figure it out.
     This isn't as important, but I'm soo sorry about your glasses! I really didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
     I should probably explain what the random puzzle pieces are. they were supposed to be a scavenger hunt for our 3 month anniversary. Start with an empty jar and a clue which led you to a puzzle piece, then another and so on and so forth. The gift was meant for you, so here, and happy new year. They were supposed to be in different places that (are) were important to us from freshman year on
     If I ever appeared to be trying to change you, then I'm sorry. I love you just the way you are. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. you mean so much to me, and I love you. I don't know any other way to say it.     
     Well I suppose this is my final plea. for now I can't think of much else save for I wasn't trying to play games, toy with emotions. This is what I'm thinking. I want the chance to talk to you face to face and talk about this    

Love, Sincerely? Both? how do you end this sort of letter... thing?
Paulina

I want to work things out. I need to work out my issues and I'm asking you to bear with me. you promised you'd never forget that I loved you no matter what. Please don't break that promise.



I'm sorry. I know you don't even know about this blog, and you'll get the original handwritten version but I'm so sorry. I love you. I want to be around you. I want to have you in my life. You've made me stronger. And I hope to God I didn't do the opposite for you. Thank you for that.

Something Different

This is different for me. I have never been in a position in my life where I have even had to think about relationships. Yet, here I am having to actually consider the fact that I may end up in a relationship. Of course, there is a chance that I will, but there is also the chance that I won’t. Either way, I have never considered it before. Sure, I have thought about it, but it’s not the same to think about it as to realize that you actually have a true chance for something. This is something different. This is something that I haven’t experienced before. It is new to my 17 year old life. Things are changing at an incredible rate and for once, I am not finding myself freaking out.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about with this right now. I just started, but now I think that I am done already because there isn’t exactly a whole lot that I can say at this current point in time. There isn’t much that I know for sure, but there are things, and information that is out there that seems to be something worth knowing and hearing. I am not exactly sure how to take it, or what to think about it, but for now, I am just going to let myself be happy. It’s not like I could fight it right now even if I wanted to. :)

What’s the best choice?

That, is the question that everyone answers at every point in time. Some choices are no-brainers and you don’t even realize that you’re making them. Others, take much more thought. I made a choice to start writing right now instead of continuing to study for my Government test (and quiz) on Wednesday. I ended up choosing a topic to start writing about. I am still trying to choose whether or not i am going to eat ice cream before I go to bed and whether or not I am going to do the math homework I was assigned today. I am thinking yes on ice cream and no on homework, but that’s just me. The homework probably won’t even be collected tomorrow, so I am not going to stress about it, I am tired. So tired. I have gotten to that point where I am just typing and I am no longer actually thinking about what I am putting down on this paper. If it can be called paper…

There are some choices that are much harder than others. The choice of whether or not to tell someone what you think about them is an incredibly tough choice. Is it worth it? What if the other person does not reciprocate? Then what? Did you just make a good friendship awkward for nothing? In Economics, a decision is made by weighing the costs and the benefits. What if you don’t know the costs, and you don’t know the benefits? So many things can happen by just that one statement that there is absolutely no way that you can know what is going to happen if you just utter those words. If the feelings are mutual, sure it was worth it, but if they aren’t, then, in turn, it’s not worth it. So, at what point can you decide whether or not the benefit is worth the cost.

Well, these are the options for most people. For me, I have only one option. I won’t say anything. I don’t believe that it’s worth it. And, not being worth it, there is no point in me even going through this whole though process, yet, I do it anyway. That’s alright, at least I can say I thought about the option, I just don’t see it as an actual option for me. But, oh well. What can I do about that?

She tells me I am holding myself back…

… and she is probably right. When it comes to these things she usually is. But she also tells me that she thinks you like me, and I can’t be sure about that. Not yet anyway. Yes, she knows me very well, and she tells me that I should have told you. That I should have just told you that night; I should have told you that I like you. I don’t think I can even do something like that. I am not sure that I want to know what you think of that idea. It’s a scary thought. I think about you a lot, about everything that’s happened, and I want to agree with her, but I don’t want to think things that may not be true. The only thing I can say is what if it isn’t true? When I tell her this, I know that she is thinking that it’s things like this where I get in my own way of something happening. But why should I have to take the first step? If you actually like me, why can’t you do it? In reality, I almost just want to stop thinking about you. I don’t know why I get so scared when I am thinking about things like this, but it does scare me. This is a step in my life that I haven’t had to consider yet, but she makes me think about it, and consider it, and even though I want it, I think I am scared. Well, I guess she is probably right and it’s more nerves than anything, I am not sure it makes it any better. So yes, it’s better to just stop thinking because there is no point in just hoping for things that probably won’t happen.

You told me to just hope for the best, but you don’t know that it’s you. If you knew, then you probably wouldn’t be saying that. You would tell me that I should get over it, and that’s okay because that’s what I need to do. I want to think all sorts of things, but I do my best to stop myself because things just don’t happen for me. I think it may be too soon anyway for me to know if I actually really like you, so in my opinion, it’s just better for me to give it time. She tells me that if I were just able to do what I needed to do, something could have happened already and I wouldn’t still be thinking these things. But I doubt myself too much. What makes me think that I will find someone that I like that likes me too? Sure I am young, but why should I think that this prospect of my life is going to go anywhere? Why should I be able to find that somebody that everyone always wants to find? And it’s thoughts like this that make her say things like this to me…

(Oh wow they never play this song on the radio, but of course they are playing it now: Somebody by Reba McEntire – and I can’t help singing along)

I shouldn’t be doing this

I really shouldn’t. I should be working on homework and not typing this right now. But, I don’t want to work on homework stuff. There are so many things going on right now that I just can’t concentrate on anything. I am talking to you right now, only I guess, it’s a different you. I have talked about someone I refer to as “you” but I can’t think about him right now. I did my best not to think about him before anyway. It’s not the smart thing to do. So, after what’s happened I did my best to just not think about it and it’s alright. I first started talking about you to people a few weeks ago. I didn’t know exactly what it was that made me so interested in you. I wanted to be able to get to know you some. You are different, interesting, and I think that it’s really cool. I shouldn’t be thinking about you. I should be focused on schoolwork because I need to finish this thing, but while I am talking to you, I can’t help but thinking about you. It’s difficult for me to concentrate and even though I have everything that I need and I just need to be able to copy it onto the powerpoint, I am having issues just doing that. It involves too much thinking. Still, I am trying. I am trying very hard to be able to accomplish this and just finish the stupid homework.

It’s teenage life really. I think it’s all stupid. You are living in it knowing that when you grow up that it’s not going to mean anything to anyone anymore, but all of the little things, all the stupid teenage things still have your attention, because it still feels like it does matter. For now, it will, and although in the future, it will have no relevance to your life, it will still be a memory, and I guess since we are supposed to be living the for the present anyway, why not care about what’s going on. Well, right now, I am writing about whatever first pops in up in my head, but in reality, I am not even sure that it makes sense because I am tired. And of course, I can only think about you right now, which would be hard not to do, because I am talking to you. Even still, I shouldn’t be thinking about you. Stupid teenage things.

My life right now

Social time is fun.

School is easy to live through.

Food is good.

Music is the best.

My friends are amazing.

And guys suck.

That is all I have to say.

Guys just freaking suck.

(not all of them, I mean no offense to any good guys out there.)

Food

I like food, but then again, who doesn’t? Yes, I am in a random mood, I started a blog entry about food. The problem is that I am rather hungry right now and I am waiting for dinner to be ready. That, and I remembered a topic that came up in my Economics class yesterday. Paulina was talking about food from some food-place (the name is escaping me right now) because of something that Marisa said. She said what she ordered there to share between her and her sister and our teacher was astonished at the amount of food that they ordered. Funny thing is, I can eat more. It was so funny knowing that he was tripping our over something that I knew that I could beat. I would have said something, but instead, I was quiet. I don’t really like people knowing my amazing story of food. Its so bad, I just ate so much that day. Paulina was there. She remembers this day that I am remembering. That is why I don’t eat a lot around other people. I generally only eat a “normal amount” (which is still kind of a lot for someone my size) because people start tripping out and then I don’t want to eat anymore. I actually think that it’s funny.

Well, I want something to talk about other than food, but I don’t think that I have anything else to talk about. I am just that hungry. It’s quite distracting; I can’t bring my mind to think of too much else besides music and food. I guess that’s alright because music and food is all we need anyway. (That was a joke by the way.)

Tomorrow is the first day of Tiller Days! I think I am going to go tomorrow. This will be the second time that I will have gone to Tustin Tiller Days. I went last year and I hope that I have more fun this year. I am actually quite excited about it. It seemed like it would be really fun. The only problem I had was that I didn’t actually go with anyone so once the guys (Nyne) was done and everyone left I was left on my own. That was my cue to leave. This time, however, I am actually going with a group of people, which is something that I have never done in my life, and I am looking forward to it. Either way, I am getting ahead of myself. I don’t really even know if I am going to be able to go. So, we will have to see.

I never Finished

Dear Garrett Sturdivant,

I like your full name (middle name not included since you never told me what it is), have I ever told you that? I've never heard the last name, and your first name is rare in my life as well. I promised I would write to you didn't I? While you were at bootcamp, and here I am, writing to you. The letter may not be slipped into an envelope and on its way to you at the moment... but it is available to you, and it is to you...

This Blog

This blog feels like a fail blog right now. I feel like we need to actually do something with it, spice it up a little somehow. But of course, this is just me being me, I always want there to be something more than there is, but that’s alright. Eventually we are going to actually do something different to this blog.

There was something that I wanted to talk about, but I just can’t remember what.

Oh yes, you. You, who I will not name. You, who will probably never read this. You, who has confused me to no end for the last while. You, who said things to me and talked to me about certain things that just can’t happen. Yet, you talked about them anyway. You are going to come and visit me this summer, you have promised me that much. But of course, you have decided on the Navy. Why the Navy? I don’t think that you remember, but I do. I remember the day you told me that if I told you not to go to the Navy, you wouldn’t. I told you not to. You told me you wouldn’t. But I don’t think you remember, and I do not want to remind you, because I can’t pretend anymore. You have her and she has you, and I am going to be happy for you for it, because I know that it’s what you would do. And if anything, I should be able to know you as happy right? But still, you confuse me. You talk to me in a way that you always have. But in a way that shouldn’t be, because you have her. You shouldn’t be talking to me that way anymore. It just makes things that much more difficult on this end. And even though I am venting to you, I know that you won’t read this, because I don’t think you know of the existence of this blog. But if you did, then you would know. You shouldn’t be acting the same way.

However, who am I to say anything? Sure I say it, but do I really want it? Or do I want to pretend that it still is the way it was before, even though we both knew that we have our own lives to live? Either way, I do know something. I like the way you talk to me. Even though I shouldn’t. Even though none of this should have happened from the beginning. But I know, that I am still glad it happened. They say that you can never regret something that once made you smile. Well, this still makes me smile, so I guess that it qualifies for the same thing. I remember when I told you that even when I didn’t want to, you always made me smile, and you still do, and I don’t want to. I find that interesting.

I am probably in an unhealthy place, but that’s okay, because even though I say all of this, I know better. I know better than to think that anything we have said can become anything while you are there and I am here. And yet, I am still happy. :)

Xavier

Dear X,

I don’t know how to tell you what I am trying to say. Heck, I don’t even know what I am trying to say. You know, you tell me that it’s not just me, but how do I know you aren’t just saying that to make me feel better? Yes, I second-guess and over think everything. I wonder these things most likely because I don’t believe something like this can happen to me. Then again, thinking about it, I guess even if it was both of us, it can’t. You are out wherever you are and I am here, wherever that is. I try to imagine what it will be like to see you again, but I can’t. When we talk you seem so sure about everything, that it will all be fine, but I don’t feel quite as confident. I worry. I don’t even know what I worry about, but I worry. Looking back on what I wrote, I think I convey a sad tone, but I am not sad. Just confused; then again, what in life isn’t confusing? I am not sure if you will read this, and maybe that’s why I put it on here, but if you do, don’t feel obligated to say anything to me about it. At least you will have read it. I think that I put this here because I am not sure I want to say any of this to you, but if I did, I wouldn’t want it to be at a time where it may seem that I am expecting you to say something, because I don’t. For lack of anything else to say, I guess I will end here.

Nichole :)

P.S. Again re-reading this, I realize that things I say can be understood the wrong way. I mean nothing bad, and I can’t wait to see you again. :)

P.S.S. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me at times when we aren't talking, but I don't want to ask you. ;)

P.S.S. I almost hope that you don't read this. It is probably better for the both of us if you end up not reading it.

Fairytales...

are lies. They lead children to believe that things that will never happen will. Sure, all these Disney movies are cute, and fun to watch, but they LIE. From the time that all the young are born, they learn and watch fairytale movies and hear fairytale stories. I may have to go out on a limb and say that it can be worse for girls than it is for boys. They show these little girls that 15 and 16 year olds can see a guy and they will fall in love and get married and they don't even have to say a paragraph's worth of dialogue to one another. (I say 15 and 16 because that's actually how old alot of them are.) It's not right. I see my little girl cousins talking about their "Prince Charming" that is waiting for them to grow up some and know that there is no such thing.

I see them believing these lies and even though I know that this won't happen, I have to play along because "it's nice to llet them have something to believe in" (or so the other females in my family say). Well, in my opinion, the only thing that's going to happen is that one day, they are going to wake up and realize that life just doesn't work that way, and they will be heart broken. They are going to realize that in real life, things don't just work out for you.

What are we teaching our children? Of course, all of these movies are adorable and must-sees, if you know better than to believe them, but how do you avoid children believing in things that just don't happen? It's not easy, but I guess I will have to wait and see...

Capitol Hill : Where Neither Bright nor Brawny Reside

The greatest men in political history were neither the smartest, nor the strongest men this world has ever seen. These men were some of the most clever, and the most cunning though. Those who play hardball in the political world, are the men we saw playing by themselves as children. They were the ones who watched, listened, and learned. They were men who above all things, understood how people work.

Jimmy Carter was a man who watched and understood. He saw that when a man has been knocked off of a high horse, all that is needed to pick him back up is a little bit of encouraging. Carter was also a man clever enough to see that if you help a man back up, he is certain to follow you. Carter utilized the charm of the political world, to convince men to delve even deeper into that world, and most importantly, follow him into it during the 1976 elections. The glamour of the political world, a world where everyone in the nation could possibly love you, and the opportunity to help others into it in the hopes of riding on their coattails.

Whoever works the small jobs behind the scenes on Capitol Hill, has the most power. It is those workers, that men such as Jimmy Carter have laid their foundations on. On Capitol Hill, in the Hardball world of politics that so many are attracted to, the one skill one has to hone and master is people. One must convince others to join their cause, and ensure that they support them; more importantly, continue to support them. It is men such as the manager of phones who anyone playing hardball wishes to have on their side. Everyone on Capitol Hill is a pawn, including the men who might seem like kings. Those who succeed on the Hill are those who learn to use all the other pawns to their advantage, thus becoming a player.

A clever player of any game will always use is weaknesses to the best of his ability. Such a clever player turns his flaws into the weapons he uses. A player on Capitol Hill must ensure that his pawns never discover that in truth they are just that, pawns. A tool to ensure that pawns stay pawns, is to never show that the player is weak. Barbara A. Mikulski fought her way to the senate with her clever wit. She used her wit to arm herself with what has held so many others back, her height. Rather then hiding her weakness, she exposed herself to the world, and they accepted her exactly as she was, all four feet and eleven inches. She controlled what her audience saw and interpreted, never showing that she could be taken down.

To listen, learn, and understand is what it takes to play hardball. To make it in such a charmed world, one cannot let themselves be drawn in. They must play the game but not be in the game. The smartest, and strongest men don’t reside on capitol hill, these men avoid it if anything. It is those who are witty, and cunning, who truly thrive.

I pretend that I'm confident... because I'm afraid.

I pretend to be loud... because I'm afraid what they'll ask if I'm quiet.

I pretend to be strong... because in truth i'm pitifully weak.

I pretend to know what i'm doing... because I honestly have no clue what to do.

I pretend to be so much... because I'm afraid that you won't love me. ♥

I am at a loss...

Well, at a loss for words. Life continues to move and move and just continue on moving. It's that train that doesn't wait for anyone so once you fall off it can be just so hard to be able to jump back on. It will continue to take you on your journey, whether you're ready or not. Today was registration. It hit me all of a sudden that my childhood years are nearly behind me. Another year and I will have to be an adult because I no longer have a choice. Life has continued to move onward, leaving me behind because I wasn't ready to continue onward. But of course, since when was life fair to us? Since when has this world cared about what we wished for? Since never. So this is where I have to realize that life is never going to slow down for me so that I can enjoy it. I am the one that is always just getting comfortable after the change only to have life change again. Only now am I beginning to seem more like a normal teenager as I am on the way out of high school into college life where no doubt I won't get into college life until it's almost time for me to leave it.

Who knows why this is? Well, other than God, no one has the capabilities to answer my questions. So of course, I am going to have to wait and continue waiting while I continue to fall behind that train that is disappearing into the distance. Well, maybe I will catch up someday, but I am not quite so sure about that day being anytime soon.

Either way. With school starting in just a week and what, two days? I have to be ready to fight through my last year of high school.

Words

Words. No one knows exactly what they can do. Sometimes, they do nothing, they are just there, but sometimes, they can change a person's life.

The other day, I watched this show. There was a man, and his son (whose names I can't remember). The man's business was failing, and he blamed alot of people for his problems and the things that happened. One day he took his son, who was 15, to a cabin he owned in the woods. They talked, and after a while, he asked his son to go outside and gather firewood for him. As the son is coming back, he hears a shot, and when he finally figures out what it was, he finds his dad. His dad had committed suicide and left the son (who had no mom) all alone in the world. In his suicide note, he gave examples of people who just didn't care, who were unkind to him. He wrote that he was too cowardly to take his son with him, and finally, that no one cared.

But the son cared.

For the next few months, he killed everyone who he thought was responsible for his father's death. All of the people that were named in the letter were killed because they had to do their job. When the boy grew up, he had a lot of financial problems too, and began to blame others for his problems. When he was the same age his father was when he killed himself, he began killing again. He killed those people he blames, people who told him that "no one cares." In the end, he was ready to kill his wife, then himself.

Words. They can make a person's day, but they can ruin it too. They can change a person's life. They changed the life of that boy who didn't know what to do. The one thing he remembers about his father's note was that he wrote that no one cares. It hurt him to the core, because he cared about his father, and that death scarred him for life.

So, one thing that you can never forget: no matter how angry you get, how sad you feel, you can never carelessly throw words out there. Someone may remember those words for the rest of their life, and unless they're good words, you don't want to be responsible for the well-being of a person to be worse off than it could have been.

Be careful with words, they can be dangerous weapons, but they can also be the best medicine.

Happy Birthday

"Happy Birthday! We miss you!"

And it's true. All three of us miss you.

2008: A precious little girl. With the little red patch on her face. A little bit of you and I sown in.

2009: A fragile paper box. Tiny little handmade stars. Beautiful memories with every little fold

2010: Thoughts. Emotions. Love. These words.

I saw him yesterday... and he was either engrossed in the complexity that is a crossword puzzle that he held in his hand, or he didn't want to talk to me. Knowing him it's quite possibly both at once. I wanted to reach out, and hug him like I would have done ages ago... I know it's not too long ago, and yet to me it feels like ages... but I knew it would have been inappropriate. That my feelings would not be reciprocated. I want to say that I know because I am so sure, and yet, I do not know, and the little flicker in my heart called hope wants to say he was holding himself back too. The part of me that always keeps me here on earth though... is telling me just how wrong I am.

I was foolish, and when I was asked to choose, I didn't choose him. I chose someone new, someone fresh, someone who I thought wouldn't give me the tumultuous life that I had lead with today's birthday boy. I was so wrong, and now it's too late to fix the mistake I made. All of the hurt I did to someone I honestly loved. Still love. I promised him that I would always love him, no matter what happened. It's true though, I do still love him. The one promise I have honestly kept with him. The rest I can't go back and fix either. So many mistakes to such a jewel, that I didn't realize I had. Perhaps he was right. Sometimes the girl has to do the chasing. Especially when she doesn't deserve the man she chases. A man shouldn't chase a girl who doesn't deserve him ever. All of the things society and chivalry say that a man should do for a lady, should also be reciprocated.

So now, because anything else would be inapporopriate. These words are my birthday gift to you this year.

I'm so sorry for everything. You were right all along, and you didn't deserve the abuse I put you through. You didn't deserve, the fighting, the arguements, the unreciprocated love. You didn't deserve the pain I put you through. You didn't deserve the confusion, any of it. You still don't. All of the mistakes were my own. You were never at fault. You still aren't. I miss you. And despite all of the broken promises to you, I have kept one. I love you.

Disconnected

I love to hear him play you know. There's something in the way the notes blend together, and more importantly, in the way you blend yourself into the music. I love to feel the vibrations in the air, and to watch him... to feel him in the air. He doesn't understand why that's what I say that I love about him the most. If only he could see himself the way that I do when he plays. He is confident. He is strong. He is everything that he is when he plays, and yet there is so much more he can be. Even I can't explain the wonder I feel when he plays. How he draws me in, and makes my heart and soul stir. If only he could see through my eyes, feel through my skin.
He didn't play as he usually does. He had mistakes even I could recognize, and the sound was dead... I didn't feel. Of course as usual he was pleasant to listen to, and how entertaining. It was still enjoyable, but something was different and I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand what it could have been. I could feel that he and I had been tense. Was his lack of feeling my own fault? Did I do something to kill his music? True he played the music well... but it wasn't his music. It was... music. Though nothing near his.
I chase after him. I ask him to play for me. Classical music. No accompaniment. Just him.
It was beautiful. To follow the notes. I could feel him again. I could feel his nervousness, and yet in that he threw himself into the music. It was beautiful. I didn't even notice as the people came towards us and played.
I wish he could throw himself into his emotions like that all the time. It's never good to disconnect yourself.

Hold On

Hold on to what is good,

Even if it is a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe in,

Even if it is a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do,

Even if it is a long way from here.

Hold on to life,

Even when it is easier to let go.

Hold on to my hand,

Even when I have gone away from you.

Happiness

What defines happiness? That is a question that i have struggled to figure out for a long time. How are you supposed to define a happy person. It cannot merely be acting happy. Anyone can act happy at any time, even if they are going through the deepest agony that they felt they could ever go through. How are you supposed to know if you are sincerely and truly happy at a certain point in time? How do you know that this "happiness" isn't just the result of practicing being happy for so long that now you seem a happy person? Life is too short to spend time being sad, angry, and hurt. While, as humans, these emotions seem so difficult to ignore or break away from, these things must happen for a person to live a good life. People have every right to feel hurt. But in this hurt, they can feel happiness coming from within. I know it sounds crazy, but it can happen. I've seen it, I understand it.

And on the topic of a human's short life, is it really so short? Or is it that life seems so short because of the wasted time doing things that don't matter at all? People waste their time with allowing themselves to stay angry, and by doing things that in reality shouldn't matter to them at all because it holds no benefit to their life in the end. In the end, it will just be wasted time. And maybe this is what makes life feel so short, as if we needed to find some way to give ourselves an excuse for the things that we may do. Life is too short, we say, to not enjoy it in the way we want to. But is this really true? Or are we just lying to ourselves to we don't feel guilt for the things we as humans have done?

Giggly Tidbits

He. Me. Laughter. Right now it is unexplainable. That, and I feel like a foolish giggly girl. Is it not possible for me to simply spend time with a friend of mine, who is of the opposite sex, and not feel so giggly?
Yes. I know they exist. I have several of them, but why now? Why while I'm healing? Healed. To be truly healed though, I must be healed for a span of time... So I may be healed, but I am still healing. I was hurt. I had been hurt. He asked about it... and tried to make me feel better about it all.
We talked about the nonsensical... And I wanted to be close to him. I liked being close to him. It was not instant attraction. It is not even strong attraction... and yet I was. Why? How? Just a thought.  A tidbit. Am I alone in this? Is it just me? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has thought this before.
He was so changed from my memory... And that was only two years ago. He has lost that squishy teddy bear look to him, and now... He is growing into a young man... More then that, a young gentleman. He is taller, leaner, his face elongated.
What did he see when he looked at me? Had I changed? It may feel like it was long ago when we met, but in the terms of a lifetime, it was just a blink of an eye...I wonder what I look like now, to those I haven't seen in the longest time... What do they think of me?
Or am I still that child? Am I still that loud little girl? I don't feel as if I have changed... I rather feel that I am very much the same.

Suffering is Joy?

As I was going through all of the posts on this blog, and trying to label each blog entry concerning it's topic, something came across my mind. Why is it that so many of my entries are so unhappy? Is it that I am an unhappy person at heart, despite my "bubblyness"? Is it possibly that I truly can't tap into the happy state of mind that I at least seem to put myself out as? I cannot even begin to enter the realm of being able to say "I am truly happy". Or can I? I suppose it would depend on your definition of happiness at first.
A friend of mine used to say that true happiness cannot exist, because when one is happy all the time, they forget sadness and it becomes non-existent for them. And with the philosophy that cold is only the absence of heat, one could state that happiness is only the absence of sadness. What if it was the other way around though? What if sadness is the absence of happiness?
Then this thought crossed my mind: "Why isn't the great question of happiness wildly discussed?"
The greatest philosophers in the history of all mankind have questioned happiness, why doesn't the common man? Great philosophers accepted sadness, and the common man questions it?
Perhaps those great philosophers have accepted the fact that sadness exists in our lives. If one is to dwell in their sadness they can never receive the joy from the things in life that give it out. The common man though searches to escape suffering... What if the key to our suffering is our suffering itself?
I don't write about my happy thoughts or feelings as often, because I am contented to stew in my joy and hold onto it for as long as I can. When I am sad... I write to try and push all that sadness out of me, and to get past that sadness to reach my joy. To try and turn fortune's wheel a little bit faster. I, like the rest of society, don't want to suffer. Yet these great thinkers among men have accepted their suffering and lived perfectly wonderful lives. In a sense, because they were doing what they wanted to do, they were happy.
When we suffer, we appreciate those happy moments more. When we are happy those suffering moments are all the more distant. Most definitely not similar to a state of balanced equilibrium, chemically speaking. So maybe those philosophers do have it right. Maybe we were made to suffer, so that happy moments are all the better for us. Like yin and yang, you can't have one without the other. You cannot be happy if you have never been sad. You cannot feel joy if you have never suffered.
So perhaps it is this, for you my readers. It is not that I am not a happy person. It is not that I can't tap into the happy parts of myself when I write. It is not that I am a young girl obsessed with the drama of life. It is that when I am happy, I am at peace.

Born a Man. Lived a Hero. Died a Legend.

A young country’s fight for freedom was hindered the day that Ferdinand Marcos was elected President of the Philippines. A man born to an upper class family, whose real father was a prominent Chinese judge, Marcos was given all the benefits of life, and excelled at all that he did both academically and physically. Despite past accusations of being a murderer, Marcos was a popular candidate until the day Marcos executed martial law over the nation, dissolving its constitution and jailing his enemies. One such enemy was Benigno Aquino. Ninoy Aquino had a stellar reputation in politics, the youngest mayor ever elected, as well as the youngest senator. He was the first and only member of his party to be elected to senator, and thus was a fierce enemy to Marcos. Ninoy was brilliant, a great speaker, ambitious, and loved by the people. He was the obvious choice for president when Marcos was to step down in 1973 after his maximum two terms. Right before the end of his term Marcos refused to give up power, and became a tyrant. Ninoy Aquino was like any other man and lived his life in his way, became an extraordinary man for his principles, and continued his work as a legend after his death.



On November 27th, 1932, Ninoy Aquino was born in Luzon to an illustrious family. Son of a senator and wealthy landowner, grandson of a legendary Military General, and set to have an inheritance of his own, from birth Ninoy was primed for politics. As a teenager out of high school, he worked for the Manila Times, and at seventeen was sent to report on the war between north and South Korea. When he returned home and finished with college, he was elected Mayor at the age of twenty two, and then went on to be senator. It was during this time that he met, and married Corazon Cojoangco, who would go on to continue his work, and take his place as the Philippines’ next president. Ninoy and Corazon, fondly nicknamed Cory, had five children during their time together, who would also go on to continue their parent’s fight for freedom.


Ninoy told the people, “The Filipino is worth dying for”. What other could he speak of but freedom? The freedom for the individual that the Filipinos had only just gained from the United States after so much fighting was what Ninoy held so dear to him. For centuries the Philippines had been a colony, but now they had their freedom, and Marcos was destroying it. Ninoy was fighting in the political ring, and he gained so much support, not because he could sway the crowd with words, but because he sincerely cared about the individual. The individual was the key for the Philippines to grow and prosper, and it was corruption such that Marcos’ had that suppressed the individual. Ninoy Aquino had a strong faith in God, and continued fighting in the way that he knew how to. He was a shining star for the people of the Philippines, and so the day he was gunned down was the day the people fought hardest for him.


In 1980, Ninoy was allowed to go to the United States for a heart bypass surgery; there he stayed for three years, before finally returning to his beloved people in 1983. Marcos may have declared himself leader of the country, but the people turned to Ninoy. As Ninoy Aquino stepped off the plane at Manila National Airport to crowds of Filipinos, awaiting the return of their true leader, he was shot and killed on the scene. Three years later, Marcos surprised the nation by calling for presidential elections. The Laban party turned to Ninoy’s widower Cory, and begged her to run. After persuasion, Cory decided to take up arms in the manner her husband did, and continue his fight. The results came to be that Marcos was the winner, but Cory and her party challenged the results. Soon after the Military renounced Marcos as the winner and declared Corazon Aquino rightful president of the Philippines. On February 25, 1986, both candidates were sworn into the presidency by their respective parties. On that same day Ferdinand Marcos fled the country, and lived in exile until the day of his death. On that day the Philippines had its first female president, and she had freed them from years under a dictator.


Ninoy Aquino was born a man like any other, his struggle through life made him a hero, and his death made him a legend. To this day his work is continued, in the fight for freedom, and the voice of the individual within the corrupted Filipino government. His children continued his work as their mother aged. Kris Aquino is now a celebrity, and uses her position to constantly fight corruption, and perform charitable acts throughout the country. Ninoy’s son, Benigno Aquino the third, or Noynoy Aquino, is now the president elect. On June 30, 2010 he will be sworn into office as the President of the Philippines, and has expressed that he will continue with the same ideals that his parents head before him. What thing is there greater to fight for, but freedom?

Tired

I am writing this while i am so tired that i think that i have passed the point of tired and have gotten to the point where i just don’t know what the heck is going on. Of course, this means that I am going to have to write an essay that is due tonight… not the best thing in the world. I am 98% sure that i am barely coherent (vocab word!) and don’t really even know what the heck i am talking about. the only think that i can think of right now is that I like music and that my eyes feel like giant puff-balls. And for some reason this seems rather funny to me. Well, since i am supposed to be writing an essay right now… i better get to that. MUSIC ROCKS!!! <3

Screw the New Year

Well, seeing as I was all excited for the new year, this isn't the best thing to say. To be honest, I am just doing my best to just pretend that this is a test for the new year. This is a test to make sure that I am going to continue to live that happy life that I was striving for in the new year. And, I will pass. No matter what happens, I will make it through the new year, and I will be okay through it all. So weird how already, there seems to be hardships. Somehow, I know that I will be fine. Again. Welcome to the New Year (just not as amazing as it seemed a month ago...)

The New Year

It is the beginning of the new year. I keep telling myself that this year won't be like last year. This year I will be stronger. This year, no one will see. Of course, there is always a possibility, but I refuse to believe that I can be any weaker. The time passes, and with each day, it seems to go so fast, yet it seems like an eternity. Time goes too fast to grow up, but but too slow for other things. There are things that I cannot bear to wait for, yet I must because I have no other choice but to do so. That is the way of the world. This year, I will know that I have true friends, and two truer than all that I will need forever.
One: she is the one who will always give me understanding and will always listen to what I have to say; she is the one who can sympathize and make me feel better simply by understanding what I say, because most don't.
Two: she is the one who keeps me strong, no matter what happens, I know that she will never let me fall down on my own; because of her, I will always be strong, and I will always be able to keep moving on.
These are people who I realized were true friends that I have been waiting for my whole life. In 2009, I found them, and realized I had them. Now, in this new year, in 2010, I realized that things will be different and that they will be different for the better. And for that, I am glad. WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR!!!!