So here I am

Writing. Not that I know what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. There is so much going on all the time and I just can’t keep up with life. It’s always ‘this person against that person’ and ‘this person did this’ but ‘that person did that’ and things just get so confusing that it’s hard to know which way is up. And most of the time it’s nearly impossible to tell if the information you’re given is the whole truth or just something that has been passed along through the eyes of too many diluting it to something that is sort of, kind of, the truth but not really.

Then you get when things become so convoluted and somehow the different drama stories that you’ve been keeping up with this whole time start to become intertwined with one another. For example, I have two different friends, who like two different guys. Yet, these two different guys, both like the same girl. And she is one of those girls who goes on flirting with every guy she lays eyes on and leads them all on to think that they have a chance with her when really, she doesn’t want them. And in the process she’s hurting people and even though she KNOWS she’s hurting people she continues to do it anyway.

People come to me. All the time. And I listen. That’s easy enough. They start to ask me for advice and I must say, that’s a tad harder. I do my best, but I don’t know the secrets of the world, and I know nothing about guys. That’s what all these girls come to me about. Yet, I know nothing about this. I have no experience whatsoever. And while they all know this, they all seem to think that I know something that they don’t. As one girl so kindly pointed out when I tried to help her: I have no experience with anything like this anyway.

I do my best just trying to look at things from an objective point of view. So here I am, sitting, and hoping that the advice I am giving these girls is the right advice to give.

Will We Always Be This Broken?

I shouldn't have to censor my thoughts or words around my best friend. Because he is my boyfriend does that change things? Which (for lack of better diction) title takes precedence? Is he my best friend first and foremost? Or do I treat him as my boyfriend, watching what I do and say? If a combination of both what parts do I take from each?
Our first big fight and I've come to terms with it. I've forgiven him, but still I feel hurt and pain. Will I always feel this hurt? Will I remember this first fight for the rest of my life and feel the sting of past hurt? I'm afraid that he and I are too broken now. We are on the rocks, we're talking, saying our "I love you"s and exchanging kisses and holding hands and smiling as the world looks on us, but I feel the hurt still. I see it in his eyes and can feel it in how careful I am about what I say now. I don't want to be careful about what I say around him. He was supposed to be that person I could say everything to. Now I must be cautious? Now I must censor myself? Can I do that? Am I supposed to?

Will you and I get back to that pure sweet and untainted love that I knew for almost four years? Is that all lost now?

This Truth, That Truth

Honest people give off the sense of being honest people. Dishonest people you always outright distrust. It's the people inbetween that always give off the feeling of never quite being sure.
What happens though when two people who seem very honest, or in the least closer to the honest side of the inbetween scale, contradict each other? Who do you believe? What do you believe? What side does it come down to then? Which one are you supposed to trust when it comes to important matters?
Perhaps the question is rather that the two have opposing opinions, thus leading them to see the same event two different ways, therefore leading to two different truths. Is that possible then, to have two different truths?

A Thinly Veiled Conundrum

You and I have made up! Nick and I! Oh joy of joys and happy days, sweet truth, and liberation! We still have our tension, and our problems and we will never be the same.
This was our first fight, the first time he lied to me, the first time he ever made me cry or hurt me. This was the first time we both realized how little we know about each other, and the first time that i believe he saw what he was getting into. Things are still shaky, and tough, but I will still be myself around him. I made a mistake, and I have learned from it. Things will be hard, but we can do this.

I still think you should have kissed me right away instead of waiting so long, and making me tell you. I really didn't want to be the first one to kiss you this time, and technically I wasn't. It's okay though. It's still you and me together, the way it's supposed to be.

Nothing is Immutable

Nothing truly is immutable. One cannot change nothing, for once nothing is changed, it becomes something.

Now that that's over! Nothing is really unchangeable. Nothing on this earth at least. Things eventually change and develop. The prideful must stoop low and admit to wrongs they have done, and the humble must learn to accept a compliment graciously. In the past week I was torn, and broken. Towards the end as I began to pick myself back up, the problem slowly began to disappear. Breaking down, was not the healthiest thing to do. I am okay with that though. I needed to break down, to see where I was falling, and catch myself so that I could pull myself back up. Now I am stronger, happier, and more accepting. Perhaps this new year will bring a more constant flow of writing, and more positive writing as well?

I hope every day is bright and shiny for you! Every day is holds the opportunity to be different than the last, so make each and every day better than the last!

Old Friends

A good relationship; be it romantic, friendly or familial; is not one where you don't argue all the time. A good relationship is one where you have problems, and you're both strong enough to work through them, and still come out of it together, despite everything that happened in between. I need to remember this lesson. I know that I will forget it sometime down the road in my desire for things to be perfect. The issue is that I must remember the problems in life make us stronger both as individuals, and relationships.

Chip, chip chip!

Chipping away at hate is a long and arduous process. Hate is like a rock, it doesn't move, it stays still, and unless you try to push it away it will always be there. Pushing it away isn't too easy either mind you.
I'd like to believe that it's easy with love though. Love is like water, it runs smooth and still, and it fills the heart and soul wonderful and pure. Water can wash away at a rock until it is just dust at the bottom of the ocean, and can hold nothing and no one back.
I'd like to believe that deep down every man is filled with love. I'd like to hope that man lets the love flow from him to others, especially those who are carrying hate in their hearts, so that their rivers might flow with joy as well. It is a long and arduous process, but it is not impossible.
At the very core of himself, can man be a stone? Can he block himself out, and have been abused by the world so much that his heart is replaced by flowing water to a cold and unmovable stone? Or does the water still fight the rock, pushing it, searching for a weakness until it can start trickling through as droplets, then a stream, then a river, then finally back into a mighty ocean?