Screw the New Year

Well, seeing as I was all excited for the new year, this isn't the best thing to say. To be honest, I am just doing my best to just pretend that this is a test for the new year. This is a test to make sure that I am going to continue to live that happy life that I was striving for in the new year. And, I will pass. No matter what happens, I will make it through the new year, and I will be okay through it all. So weird how already, there seems to be hardships. Somehow, I know that I will be fine. Again. Welcome to the New Year (just not as amazing as it seemed a month ago...)

The New Year

It is the beginning of the new year. I keep telling myself that this year won't be like last year. This year I will be stronger. This year, no one will see. Of course, there is always a possibility, but I refuse to believe that I can be any weaker. The time passes, and with each day, it seems to go so fast, yet it seems like an eternity. Time goes too fast to grow up, but but too slow for other things. There are things that I cannot bear to wait for, yet I must because I have no other choice but to do so. That is the way of the world. This year, I will know that I have true friends, and two truer than all that I will need forever.
One: she is the one who will always give me understanding and will always listen to what I have to say; she is the one who can sympathize and make me feel better simply by understanding what I say, because most don't.
Two: she is the one who keeps me strong, no matter what happens, I know that she will never let me fall down on my own; because of her, I will always be strong, and I will always be able to keep moving on.
These are people who I realized were true friends that I have been waiting for my whole life. In 2009, I found them, and realized I had them. Now, in this new year, in 2010, I realized that things will be different and that they will be different for the better. And for that, I am glad. WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR!!!!

Odd.

Benji Wigley inspired me...how odd. What would history books state if the confederacy had won? Would theypraise teh slaves and curse the factory workers? yes. The winnders ideas are pushed, and slavery is banished to the dark recesses of the mind, and considered to be a great evil.

Daggers.

I feels as if a knife was slowly pushed into my heart, then twisted hard then ripped out. I feel like crying. I can feel the tears, and my heart like a stone pulling me down. i want to sleep, to hide in the dark and never come out. I want night to never end. I want stars, cold air on my skin. I feel like my bones are ripped from my body. Yet I am holding myself up. Yet my eyes are dry. yet I am discussing transcendentalism. I am in so much pain, and yet I can keep it all in. I can breathe, live in the physical. Mentally I exist for what this horrendous system gives me. It's so odd on how I hate the system and yet I crave teh education, the knowledge. Emotionally I'm dying. I love, and yet the pain I feel so so constantly manifested by the sharp pain I feel in my shest. It's throbbed and stabs at me now for hours. I won't even make it go away. It is a reminder of my pain. A physical manifestation of what is occuring in my emotional sphere.

Ajourd'hui

Ajourd'hui. C'est mon anniversaire. C'est n'est pas speciale. C'est resemble tous le jours. Mais je sais ajourd'hui veuz etre speciale. Je suis triste, mais je peux etre joyeux. C'est mon anniversaire! J'ai seize ans! C'est un jour speciale. je parle avec Ryan en le matin. Il est magnificent. Il trouve mon bonheur. J'adore Ryan, mais c'est Chase qui j'aime. Oui? Qui suis-je? Je suis Mei. J'ai seize ans. J'aim orange. Ajourd'hui est mon anniversaire et mon amour est... Ryan ou Chase? J'adore Ryan, J'aime Chase. Je suis confondu. Ne ne peuz pas ecrit tous mon expressions en francais.

I Am In A Quandary

I'm quite a lucky little girl.
I know the majority of my vocabulary words because Ryan and Jonathan had used them so often around me...
I'm lucky in other ways...
If I'm so lucky, then why am I so reluctant to reciprocate the love that I am lucky to receive?
Perhaps...I don't belong in that world at all. Maybe he wants me in that world, in his world, but I can't! I couldn't possibly. I don't fit. I don't belong.
It hurts me though. To not be a part of all his laughter and revelry. Is it wrong for it to hurt so much? Is it wrong for me to want so much? I thought perhaps only to hear his voice... but then, I'm not sure... It only made everything that much worse.

Why is it always so hard to let go... For the people that it's hard to let go... Is it because you still want to hold on?

Why is the world so backwards?

I have just now found out that the world is too insanely backwards. People tell me that I am backwards with me being left handed and everything else that I do backwards from everyone else. But really, it is the world that is backwards. I have been in a state of utter confusion with these two guys that I have liked in the past few years. While I liked the first one, the other would be giving signs and vying for that kind of attention that I would try to ignore in hopes that the first would work out. But, after too long of hoping for the first, I decided to turn to the second and put my attention on him in hopes that maybe something would work out with him. That, of course, didn't work one bit. After my descision to switch to the other, it went well, but began to fall apart, and the first one began acting different, as if he wanted something closer than a mix between aquaintances and friends. It was confusing. I didn't want to get into a mix with two guys, so tried my best not to care. This didn't work so well either. I finally made the descision (for those of you that don't know, I suck at spelling, I try my best) that I wouldn't make a descision, and that I would stop trying and let things flow the way that they would. And it has not been more than 24 hours since I made that descision (it's been about 23... hehe), and things are beginning to fall closer and closer in to place. I just don't have to try, and everything seems to already be working out. It's as if not trying is the best form of trying. You cannot tell me that this world is not backwards... this not trying really is working so much better than trying to do anything. For this reason, I almost don't mind that the world is this way, it just makes things harder because it took so long for me to realize that in order to try for one, then, I just have to stop trying for either. For some reason, I now that this will make everything work out. Though this backwards world makes everything more difficult, it made it take longer for me to realize what I have to do, I love this backwards world because if everything was just so easy, then there would be no point in doing anything. And though it took me three years to realize what I had to do for these two guys, I am glad, because I have time to become ready for what is to come in my life.