One sleepless night
Two boxes of tissues
Three friends shoulders
Four good cry sessions
Five times trying to suck it up
Six packets of pancit canton
Seven filipino hot dogs
Eight times an article read over
Nine attempts to begin homework
and Ten thoughts of feeling sick tired and sorry for myself,
the usual, stereotypical of the event thoughts for a girl ran through my head,
Why me? Why now? Why so sudden? etc etc etc.
but I also couldn't help but think the (also kinda sorta stereotypical)
What happened to forever? What happened to us? Why couldn't we work it out? Why aren't I trying harder? Why do i feel like he's giving up on me? even worse on us...?
I wandered out into the dark last night and cried. I cried my heart out alone in that cold dark, night. I sobbed, lying on wet grass. Eventually a friend found me, and made me laugh, but I still don't feel any better.
What happened to trying to work it out together? What happened to trying to pull through it all? What happened to loving me, and not wanting to hurt me? What happened to all of that?
I won't get sleep for a little bit of time, and we may have to buy more tissues than we used to, but... but what. what's the bright side in all of this?
The worst part of all?
That i won't die of broken heart syndrome, and don't have the guts to do anything else.
Hey my heart is pretty weak, maybe it'll shatter into as many pieces as I feel like it is right now.
The worst part is that I won't die, or waste away, now matter how hard I cry, or how much I want to disappear.
The very very worst part is that I'll be okay...
(heart screams out: yup, i'll be okay in months... years... decades... CENTURIES. -_- )
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
I Should Have...But I Didn't
He was right there... He was so close. So close that I could remember the feeling of his arms around me. Why didn't I just run into them and stop this silly little fight. All because he didn't call me back...He knew I was upset though, why didn't he call me back and tell me he was joking? That only enflamed me more.
Why didn't he sweep me up into his arms... I was so close. Wasn't he thinking the same thing? I know that I can be silly and stubborn at times, but why didn't he?
It's in my pride, my pride for keeping up my emotions, possibly why I hold grudges for so long. I couldn't possibly run to him now. But I don't want to sit around and wait for him to come to me, and tell me he's sorry so that I can give in and say I'm sorry too. He can't read my thoughts like he used to be able to, or my body language, or the tone in my voice.
If this is what only two weeks apart will do to us, then I fear for the years to come.
To any of my current readers, my future readers. If you love someone. When you love someone. Don't let them go. Hold them close. Even if you're fighting, just run into their arms, and hold each other. What was that saying?
Never lie in life, but if you must lie, lie in the arms of one you love.
Why didn't he sweep me up into his arms... I was so close. Wasn't he thinking the same thing? I know that I can be silly and stubborn at times, but why didn't he?
It's in my pride, my pride for keeping up my emotions, possibly why I hold grudges for so long. I couldn't possibly run to him now. But I don't want to sit around and wait for him to come to me, and tell me he's sorry so that I can give in and say I'm sorry too. He can't read my thoughts like he used to be able to, or my body language, or the tone in my voice.
If this is what only two weeks apart will do to us, then I fear for the years to come.
To any of my current readers, my future readers. If you love someone. When you love someone. Don't let them go. Hold them close. Even if you're fighting, just run into their arms, and hold each other. What was that saying?
Never lie in life, but if you must lie, lie in the arms of one you love.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
101 Cute Aminals
"State the obvious... I didn't get my perfect fantasy."
I guess that's kind of impossible isn't it? A perfect fantasy is so far out of reach but I guess it's pretty close if you're in that blissful contentment that's so close to happiness that isn't quite there. Because a perfect world, ISN'T a happy one.
But we're human, so we try...
I don't think I'm lost, rather i'm confused.
Or rather he's knocking me upside the head and I'm so hard-headed that I haven't even realized it...
Yes I'm prideful, but I haven't been so prideful as to admit that It was my fault. I'm so sorry, and I don't have the words to say it all.
88 Calender Pages
13 of them Being Double Days
That's
101 Days without you. (no pun intended on the dalmations I SWEAR!)
88 pages of cuteness that we haven't awed over
and 101 days that I haven't learned how to deal with things, and how to stand up for my own problems.
If there's one thing in my inexperienced life that I've learned, it's that a true friend could never be replaced, especially if they're a best friend. Even more so when that friend is you to I.
I'm sorry.
There are a lot of things I have to tell you too.
I guess that's kind of impossible isn't it? A perfect fantasy is so far out of reach but I guess it's pretty close if you're in that blissful contentment that's so close to happiness that isn't quite there. Because a perfect world, ISN'T a happy one.
But we're human, so we try...
I don't think I'm lost, rather i'm confused.
Or rather he's knocking me upside the head and I'm so hard-headed that I haven't even realized it...
Yes I'm prideful, but I haven't been so prideful as to admit that It was my fault. I'm so sorry, and I don't have the words to say it all.
88 Calender Pages
13 of them Being Double Days
That's
101 Days without you. (no pun intended on the dalmations I SWEAR!)
88 pages of cuteness that we haven't awed over
and 101 days that I haven't learned how to deal with things, and how to stand up for my own problems.
If there's one thing in my inexperienced life that I've learned, it's that a true friend could never be replaced, especially if they're a best friend. Even more so when that friend is you to I.
I'm sorry.
There are a lot of things I have to tell you too.
Friday, August 28, 2009
My Friend
This is taken directly from my thoughts. I wonder if you'll ever actually read it. Though the other things I have planned to write here haven't actually been written, I am determined that this one will.
Dear Best Friend,
Yes, you are still the best friend I ever had. I miss you. And I know deep down,you miss me too, even if you are too prideful to admit it. I have been on my first retreat without you, and I do not think I want to do it again, but I will if I must. My friend, you have let yourself be led away from God. You have alowed yourself to be led away from His path for you, doing thing that would not make Him happy. I know you say you are a good Catholic girl, but dear friend, you have begun to cease following Him. He has led us to each other, and we allowed His will to be undone. Sure, you may argue that you have lots of friends that you can count on and rely on and you don't need me, but, answer to yourself honestly, is the true connection there? Can they really supplement everything? If your answer is yes, consider the following:
Can they finish your sentences?
Know your thoughts?
Know when you're hurting, even if they don't say anything?
Make up the same song you are, at the same time?
Are they always honest with you?
Do they go to church with you?
Will/Can they sing and dance with you?
If they do, is their voice a perfect match with yours?
Will they trust you, even if they can't trust themselves?
Were they ever called your hip-attachment, or vice-versa?
If they walk into a room, does everyone ask where you are, or vice-versa?
Even if it happened, could the question be answered?
Would people confuse you, even if you look nothing alike (even someone like Kim Scott, yes, it happened at the retreat)?
Would they overdose on pixie-stix with you?
Sit in the same chair as you?
Sleep in the same bed?
Climb a tree with you?
Would they save you from a car, or save themselves first?
Can you tell them anything, and they won't freak out (I did my best)?
Do they know where those scars came from?
Would they have waited for you for so long, or would they have become prideful or 'over it' saying they don't need you?
Did they bring you Latin that neither of you know, yet somehow knew?
Would they judge you when you told them something, or keep an open mind?
My friend, you and I both know that the list can continue on forever, but we don't have the time. It would take too long. My only hope is that you understand and do the right thing. May God bless you, now and for always.
Your Best Friend (still),
Me (who else?)
P.S. I still pray for you every night
P.S.S. I have so much to tell you!
Dear Best Friend,
Yes, you are still the best friend I ever had. I miss you. And I know deep down,you miss me too, even if you are too prideful to admit it. I have been on my first retreat without you, and I do not think I want to do it again, but I will if I must. My friend, you have let yourself be led away from God. You have alowed yourself to be led away from His path for you, doing thing that would not make Him happy. I know you say you are a good Catholic girl, but dear friend, you have begun to cease following Him. He has led us to each other, and we allowed His will to be undone. Sure, you may argue that you have lots of friends that you can count on and rely on and you don't need me, but, answer to yourself honestly, is the true connection there? Can they really supplement everything? If your answer is yes, consider the following:
Can they finish your sentences?
Know your thoughts?
Know when you're hurting, even if they don't say anything?
Make up the same song you are, at the same time?
Are they always honest with you?
Do they go to church with you?
Will/Can they sing and dance with you?
If they do, is their voice a perfect match with yours?
Will they trust you, even if they can't trust themselves?
Were they ever called your hip-attachment, or vice-versa?
If they walk into a room, does everyone ask where you are, or vice-versa?
Even if it happened, could the question be answered?
Would people confuse you, even if you look nothing alike (even someone like Kim Scott, yes, it happened at the retreat)?
Would they overdose on pixie-stix with you?
Sit in the same chair as you?
Sleep in the same bed?
Climb a tree with you?
Would they save you from a car, or save themselves first?
Can you tell them anything, and they won't freak out (I did my best)?
Do they know where those scars came from?
Would they have waited for you for so long, or would they have become prideful or 'over it' saying they don't need you?
Did they bring you Latin that neither of you know, yet somehow knew?
Would they judge you when you told them something, or keep an open mind?
My friend, you and I both know that the list can continue on forever, but we don't have the time. It would take too long. My only hope is that you understand and do the right thing. May God bless you, now and for always.
Your Best Friend (still),
Me (who else?)
P.S. I still pray for you every night
P.S.S. I have so much to tell you!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Ice Queen
It's so cold. I am. I feel So Cold. It only reminds me of how warm he was. How hot his hand was in mine. I hope he is warm now. I hope he's drifting off into sleep now. I hope he is having sweet dreams. I hope he is thinking of me.
I hold TJ close. He is so warm on my skin. I feel sick, and I am scared. My head is spinning. Oh I love him. Can I learn to live without him?
I still am cold. His heart is too far away to...no. His heart is in my chest. Beating inside of me. When I thinnk of his love I suddenly get warm, then cold again. I go back and forth. Why all of a sudden do I need him so much? Why can't I bear to live without him for only two weeks. I feel so dependent as if my legs can't carry themselves
I hold TJ close. He is so warm on my skin. I feel sick, and I am scared. My head is spinning. Oh I love him. Can I learn to live without him?
I still am cold. His heart is too far away to...no. His heart is in my chest. Beating inside of me. When I thinnk of his love I suddenly get warm, then cold again. I go back and forth. Why all of a sudden do I need him so much? Why can't I bear to live without him for only two weeks. I feel so dependent as if my legs can't carry themselves
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wise Wildcats
We never played this game when we were young. It intrigues me to see the change. To feel the change is even odder. Dodgeball. My team is losing, but I enjoy it. the revelry of being with those you had once known. To see the traits that had once been in each of them. The trait is still there but it has changed. Evolved. We are all the same, but we have changed. I have no other way to explain it. I am sorry for him. I miss him. Somehow I feel like this is what I have to do. He will be better off without me. He will survive, most likely even thrive. I just shouldn't have told him before he left. That is my only regreat
15:45
A part of me whishes that maybe... Perhaps this is just a hope, but maybe that he will fight for me. Though I also hope he will have finally given up on me.
15:45
A part of me whishes that maybe... Perhaps this is just a hope, but maybe that he will fight for me. Though I also hope he will have finally given up on me.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Why is it so painful to remember the happy?
The logical side of me is berating myself for my foolish tears. Telling me he will move on without me one day (or even worse I without him), and that I should help prepare him as best I can for the sake of society.
This emotional side of me that I had used to call weak tells me to cry it out. To curl into a little ball and let the world see my mixed feelings. Words such as pain, joy, sadness, frustration adn solitude only tough the surface of this scrambled feelings
A mime gets crushed by a tree in the forest when no one is around, does anyone hear him?
I cry alone in the dark when no one is around. I Know someone hears me.
I know I cannot be the only one in this state. My organs twisting around themselves and my mind pounding against my skull, threatening to explode
To think I thought my emotional side was weak. I always believed he thought my strength was in my will power and the choices I made. he thinks I am strong because of how I feel. has he slipped peacefully into sleep, or does he cry like me?
I am afraid of Junior year. I feel so alone, and I know I have so much to face.
Life is like a marathon and I hate running. But I have friends who I know will help me.
Is it wrong to miss him, even if he isn't gone?
18:54
I remember the first time that he adn I really talked. I was walking outside of the girl's locker room at THS. He was sitting against the gate by the girl's locker room. He was listening to his iPod. He saw me adn called me over. He asked me to listen to a song and it made me laugh. We chatted about the song, and I wanted to go join my friends, and he came with me. I think that was also the day I looked in his eyes and he looked right back at me. This boy had the audacity to look right back at me. when did someone last look at me straight in the eyes? With such ferocity.No boy had looked at me straight in the eyes. His eyes were locked on mine. While other boys either never held the gaze or looked without seeing. I can't even describe that first not-even-an-hour of starting to know this boy. To see this boy become a man. That was the beginning and it has been a long time since then. I know we are far from the end.
This emotional side of me that I had used to call weak tells me to cry it out. To curl into a little ball and let the world see my mixed feelings. Words such as pain, joy, sadness, frustration adn solitude only tough the surface of this scrambled feelings
A mime gets crushed by a tree in the forest when no one is around, does anyone hear him?
I cry alone in the dark when no one is around. I Know someone hears me.
I know I cannot be the only one in this state. My organs twisting around themselves and my mind pounding against my skull, threatening to explode
To think I thought my emotional side was weak. I always believed he thought my strength was in my will power and the choices I made. he thinks I am strong because of how I feel. has he slipped peacefully into sleep, or does he cry like me?
I am afraid of Junior year. I feel so alone, and I know I have so much to face.
Life is like a marathon and I hate running. But I have friends who I know will help me.
Is it wrong to miss him, even if he isn't gone?
18:54
I remember the first time that he adn I really talked. I was walking outside of the girl's locker room at THS. He was sitting against the gate by the girl's locker room. He was listening to his iPod. He saw me adn called me over. He asked me to listen to a song and it made me laugh. We chatted about the song, and I wanted to go join my friends, and he came with me. I think that was also the day I looked in his eyes and he looked right back at me. This boy had the audacity to look right back at me. when did someone last look at me straight in the eyes? With such ferocity.No boy had looked at me straight in the eyes. His eyes were locked on mine. While other boys either never held the gaze or looked without seeing. I can't even describe that first not-even-an-hour of starting to know this boy. To see this boy become a man. That was the beginning and it has been a long time since then. I know we are far from the end.
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