Old Friends

A good relationship; be it romantic, friendly or familial; is not one where you don't argue all the time. A good relationship is one where you have problems, and you're both strong enough to work through them, and still come out of it together, despite everything that happened in between. I need to remember this lesson. I know that I will forget it sometime down the road in my desire for things to be perfect. The issue is that I must remember the problems in life make us stronger both as individuals, and relationships.

Chip, chip chip!

Chipping away at hate is a long and arduous process. Hate is like a rock, it doesn't move, it stays still, and unless you try to push it away it will always be there. Pushing it away isn't too easy either mind you.
I'd like to believe that it's easy with love though. Love is like water, it runs smooth and still, and it fills the heart and soul wonderful and pure. Water can wash away at a rock until it is just dust at the bottom of the ocean, and can hold nothing and no one back.
I'd like to believe that deep down every man is filled with love. I'd like to hope that man lets the love flow from him to others, especially those who are carrying hate in their hearts, so that their rivers might flow with joy as well. It is a long and arduous process, but it is not impossible.
At the very core of himself, can man be a stone? Can he block himself out, and have been abused by the world so much that his heart is replaced by flowing water to a cold and unmovable stone? Or does the water still fight the rock, pushing it, searching for a weakness until it can start trickling through as droplets, then a stream, then a river, then finally back into a mighty ocean?

I Am At Peace

I needed that little breakdown I suppose. I needed to breakdown, see how far I've fallen, and then pick myself back up. After hours of reflection, meditation, and prayer, I finally know what I must do and accept it.
I have to love him, if he must see that I do.
I must be patient in waiting for him to be himself. I must be kind in my words and actions even when he's not around. I cannot envy his joy in my absence, or boast about my own. I cannot assume a sense of pride for anything connected to this problem between us. I cannot be rude towards him in the hopes of causing him harm, I cannot attempt to find happinness only for myself, especially if it is to cause him pain. I cannot be upset with him for feeling the way he does. I can't keep a record of wrongs, I must forgive him. I will not delight in this evil between us, but I will rejoice when the truth of love shines through. I must protect him in the few ways that I can, I must trust that for the past four years he truly loves me too, and perservere in my attempts to show him.
I must love him, and hope and pray that God will help me use my love to chip away at all the evil surrounding us. I can't let the devil win this fight, pull me away from my best friend. He's meant too much to me over the years, and God will help me see what is best.

I do honestly feel that this is not our end though. I have love, and therefore I have hope.

I love you Nick. I'll be here for you when you need me, but for now if you are happy without me, I am overjoyed that you are beginning to stand on your own two feet, and finally take charge and be happy with yourself. I am so proud of you.

You're Happy Without Me

i know you said i have hope


but the things he's been posting on his page

i dunno

Courtney said this isn't the end for us... she feels like this isn't how it's supposed to end for people who were so close

and Jeff said that nick said i have hope

when Jeff talked to him about it

but he seems so happy without me

that maybe it's been me holding him back all these years

courtney also mentioned it might be the influence of his band...

i've always felt like they weren't fond of me

so i suppose it's valid

but really. he seems happy without me

maybe it's better off, if i love him i should let him be

and be here when he needs me to be.
 
I wrote that all to Caroline. From everything you post on facebook, which in itself I find odd since you never went on much before, you seem so happy. Happy with yourself and life. It makes me wonder if it was me holding you back before. Has it been my fault all these years that you can't sleep, and that you hate your life? Am I the thing that has been holding you back from happiness?
Jeff said that you told him I still have hope. Were you just saying that?
 
You're my best friend. I have to have hope. Like the hope you gave me when we were up on that moment getting closer to God. The hope you gave me when you held me as I cried all those times. The hope I got each time you made me laugh, and each time you smiled at me. The hope you gave me when you held me. All that love and hope in our past.
 
Courtney is right. This isn't our end. It's just time for a new beginning.

I Want You Back

I realized I never said those words to you in my letter; the only form of communication you and I have had since the us became the you and the I. I wondered why, it was the truth and now still is. I love you, and I want you back in my life. I have to have you back in my life. I need you in my life, because without you I'm lost. Then why didn't I tell you?
I was afraid that you wouldn't want me back too. I didn't want to hear the truth, and now here I am doing what I can to get what I want, when I should be happy if you're happy. In a way I am, but I also want us to be happy together. Now after typing that I only feel so selfish, but it's true that I want you back. I'm being honest here. I was happy to hear that you actually took the time to read my letter at new years. Thank you for that. Thank you for not shutting me out then.
Today I couldn't help but smile and be happy. I remembered all of our happy times together, and I would laugh. You made comments in english that made me laugh and smile, and roll my eyes. In a good way mind you. I didn't roll my eyes because I thought you said something stupid... I rolled my eyes because it was just very you to make that comment.
Today I thought about Russia. The messages you sent me on facebook, and their ridiculousness. How hard that trip was for me. How just as if I had never been gone, I left Mr. Morgan's classroom after zero period, turned left, went around the building, and saw you. How I smiled, and ran to hug you. How you caught me. How I cried because I missed you. When I told you how ridiculous I felt for crying. I hadn't realized how much I missed you until I finally saw you. I remember how you told me how lost you felt without me around. Today I experienced that. You have always been my constant companion, and I never really noticed it until you were gone.  I miss my best friend.

I am afraid about being pushed away from you, but at the same time I know I will have to be honest with you if I am to have hope.

Stay Positive

I'm trying so hard to be positive. Really I am. I can't right now though. Not when you don't know that I love you. I can't feel positive when I don't have you to talk to, or your shoulder to cry on anymore. I miss your hugs, your laughs, and all those ridiculous jokes. I miss how you would make me feel better when things ended with all those other guys. How you would always try to cheer me up, and make me feel better about the whole situation. You're not here this time. Now you're on the other side. You're the one things ended with and I'm alone with no one to tell me things are going to be okay. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this one. I don't know if I'm strong enough to lose my best friend.
I don't know what else to do or say besides the fact that I love and I am so sorry.
Things changed so quickly that I didnt' even see them coming. It was too short. We were supposed to love each other for beyond forever and now I'm just lost.
I wish you were here at least to hold me while I cried. Instead I type away and get my keyboard all wet and salty because I don't want to write it out. Some strange pitiful hope that you'll read these someday, turn to me and tell me I don't have to worry about this happening ever again. That somehow we can exist again.
Part of me feels like a fool for even thinking such a thing, but the other part of me has to have hope. I have to have hope that the past four years meant something to you and you honestly love me. That your heart keeps no record of wrongs and can forgive me. I have to have hope that you and I can smile together again or else I dont' know what I'll do.
I'm scared, and I'm alone, and all I can do is cry when no one is around.
Scream, cry, and beg to the sky that you hear me. Scream your name into my pillow every night as tears run down my face and whisper that I love you when I can't scream anymore.

Nick, I love you. I miss you, I need you I want you. Be with me, love me, want me too, tell me you miss me too.
Hold me while I cry because I don't want anyone else to. Whisper in my ear that everything is going to be alright. Please tell me that we can get through this because I don't want to, I can't live life without you.

To Stay Away

To be asked to stay away from you? To pull away and ignore you? I don't know if I can do that. The forced proximity we will have that used to be desired will most definitely be a factor. That and perhaps I don't want to pull away. Such is life I suppose. I feel sick and twisted and confused, but then again I'm a teenage girl. What else is to be expected of me?
Still though I am determined. I have to have hope. Without it I'll be lost. I pull this hope from inside of myself now, instead of from you. My source of light and joy in my life. I have to find another place, and now I look in the place that I have been so afraid to look in for so long- inside of myself.
It's a dark and scary place, adn yet, I have to search here. Elsewhere I feel only desolation, so now where else is there to look? And now I know I'm stronger than I was before. I am challenged to look inside of myself and I realize just how amazing it is. I look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl growing into a beautiful young lady. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am beautfiul.

I never would have seen it if it weren't for you. Thank you.