The New Year

It is the beginning of the new year. I keep telling myself that this year won't be like last year. This year I will be stronger. This year, no one will see. Of course, there is always a possibility, but I refuse to believe that I can be any weaker. The time passes, and with each day, it seems to go so fast, yet it seems like an eternity. Time goes too fast to grow up, but but too slow for other things. There are things that I cannot bear to wait for, yet I must because I have no other choice but to do so. That is the way of the world. This year, I will know that I have true friends, and two truer than all that I will need forever.
One: she is the one who will always give me understanding and will always listen to what I have to say; she is the one who can sympathize and make me feel better simply by understanding what I say, because most don't.
Two: she is the one who keeps me strong, no matter what happens, I know that she will never let me fall down on my own; because of her, I will always be strong, and I will always be able to keep moving on.
These are people who I realized were true friends that I have been waiting for my whole life. In 2009, I found them, and realized I had them. Now, in this new year, in 2010, I realized that things will be different and that they will be different for the better. And for that, I am glad. WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR!!!!

Odd.

Benji Wigley inspired me...how odd. What would history books state if the confederacy had won? Would theypraise teh slaves and curse the factory workers? yes. The winnders ideas are pushed, and slavery is banished to the dark recesses of the mind, and considered to be a great evil.

Daggers.

I feels as if a knife was slowly pushed into my heart, then twisted hard then ripped out. I feel like crying. I can feel the tears, and my heart like a stone pulling me down. i want to sleep, to hide in the dark and never come out. I want night to never end. I want stars, cold air on my skin. I feel like my bones are ripped from my body. Yet I am holding myself up. Yet my eyes are dry. yet I am discussing transcendentalism. I am in so much pain, and yet I can keep it all in. I can breathe, live in the physical. Mentally I exist for what this horrendous system gives me. It's so odd on how I hate the system and yet I crave teh education, the knowledge. Emotionally I'm dying. I love, and yet the pain I feel so so constantly manifested by the sharp pain I feel in my shest. It's throbbed and stabs at me now for hours. I won't even make it go away. It is a reminder of my pain. A physical manifestation of what is occuring in my emotional sphere.

Ajourd'hui

Ajourd'hui. C'est mon anniversaire. C'est n'est pas speciale. C'est resemble tous le jours. Mais je sais ajourd'hui veuz etre speciale. Je suis triste, mais je peux etre joyeux. C'est mon anniversaire! J'ai seize ans! C'est un jour speciale. je parle avec Ryan en le matin. Il est magnificent. Il trouve mon bonheur. J'adore Ryan, mais c'est Chase qui j'aime. Oui? Qui suis-je? Je suis Mei. J'ai seize ans. J'aim orange. Ajourd'hui est mon anniversaire et mon amour est... Ryan ou Chase? J'adore Ryan, J'aime Chase. Je suis confondu. Ne ne peuz pas ecrit tous mon expressions en francais.

I Am In A Quandary

I'm quite a lucky little girl.
I know the majority of my vocabulary words because Ryan and Jonathan had used them so often around me...
I'm lucky in other ways...
If I'm so lucky, then why am I so reluctant to reciprocate the love that I am lucky to receive?
Perhaps...I don't belong in that world at all. Maybe he wants me in that world, in his world, but I can't! I couldn't possibly. I don't fit. I don't belong.
It hurts me though. To not be a part of all his laughter and revelry. Is it wrong for it to hurt so much? Is it wrong for me to want so much? I thought perhaps only to hear his voice... but then, I'm not sure... It only made everything that much worse.

Why is it always so hard to let go... For the people that it's hard to let go... Is it because you still want to hold on?

Why is the world so backwards?

I have just now found out that the world is too insanely backwards. People tell me that I am backwards with me being left handed and everything else that I do backwards from everyone else. But really, it is the world that is backwards. I have been in a state of utter confusion with these two guys that I have liked in the past few years. While I liked the first one, the other would be giving signs and vying for that kind of attention that I would try to ignore in hopes that the first would work out. But, after too long of hoping for the first, I decided to turn to the second and put my attention on him in hopes that maybe something would work out with him. That, of course, didn't work one bit. After my descision to switch to the other, it went well, but began to fall apart, and the first one began acting different, as if he wanted something closer than a mix between aquaintances and friends. It was confusing. I didn't want to get into a mix with two guys, so tried my best not to care. This didn't work so well either. I finally made the descision (for those of you that don't know, I suck at spelling, I try my best) that I wouldn't make a descision, and that I would stop trying and let things flow the way that they would. And it has not been more than 24 hours since I made that descision (it's been about 23... hehe), and things are beginning to fall closer and closer in to place. I just don't have to try, and everything seems to already be working out. It's as if not trying is the best form of trying. You cannot tell me that this world is not backwards... this not trying really is working so much better than trying to do anything. For this reason, I almost don't mind that the world is this way, it just makes things harder because it took so long for me to realize that in order to try for one, then, I just have to stop trying for either. For some reason, I now that this will make everything work out. Though this backwards world makes everything more difficult, it made it take longer for me to realize what I have to do, I love this backwards world because if everything was just so easy, then there would be no point in doing anything. And though it took me three years to realize what I had to do for these two guys, I am glad, because I have time to become ready for what is to come in my life.

Tustin Beat Foothill at 9:11 P.M. on 9/11

One sleepless night
Two boxes of tissues
Three friends shoulders
Four good cry sessions
Five times trying to suck it up
Six packets of pancit canton
Seven filipino hot dogs
Eight times an article read over
Nine attempts to begin homework
and Ten thoughts of feeling sick tired and sorry for myself,
the usual, stereotypical of the event thoughts for a girl ran through my head,
Why me? Why now? Why so sudden? etc etc etc.
but I also couldn't help but think the (also kinda sorta stereotypical)
What happened to forever? What happened to us? Why couldn't we work it out? Why aren't I trying harder? Why do i feel like he's giving up on me? even worse on us...?
I wandered out into the dark last night and cried. I cried my heart out alone in that cold dark, night. I sobbed, lying on wet grass. Eventually a friend found me, and made me laugh, but I still don't feel any better.
What happened to trying to work it out together? What happened to trying to pull through it all? What happened to loving me, and not wanting to hurt me? What happened to all of that?
I won't get sleep for a little bit of time, and we may have to buy more tissues than we used to, but... but what. what's the bright side in all of this?

The worst part of all?
That i won't die of broken heart syndrome, and don't have the guts to do anything else.
Hey my heart is pretty weak, maybe it'll shatter into as many pieces as I feel like it is right now.
The worst part is that I won't die, or waste away, now matter how hard I cry, or how much I want to disappear.
The very very worst part is that I'll be okay...
(heart screams out: yup, i'll be okay in months... years... decades... CENTURIES. -_- )