It's been so easy for me to put the appearance of happiness, or in the least contentment for so long. I've gotten so good at it that I can even truly trick those who really know me if I really wanted to. Now that I've kept everything inside, and locked up for so long, I can't hold it anymore. I can't stop crying, even when times I'm laughing tears escape me, and that's never happened before. Even little TJ can't help me anymore. He's at a loss of words for me. I'm at a loss of words for me.
The fact that my family calls me fat, stupid, ugly. Such simple and base words, but from my family they're so hurtful. From other people usually I can ignore, even make fun of, but from my own family, and for so long? Just thinking about it and I burst out into tears. The past hour has been filled with my tears. My family just passes me and they don't even notice... They can yell at me, be stern with me, be so cold with me, then go and laugh with each other. When they turn back to me they're so cold again though. How can they be so hurtful to me, then so warm to each other? Mon dieu! Water works again... I wish I could stop crying. Crying is weak. You shouldn't cry. There are so many people I know I can turn to, but for some reason I feel like I can't. I turn to a teddy bear. I can't call him that he's done too much for me. I turn to TJ, and he can't do anything for me right now... He's so helpless... Even listening to music, I still sing, but I blare it because I think my voice is terrible.
When I'm with those (or at least talking to those) who I know I truly love, and who honestly love me back, I feel a glimmer of hope that all of these damned emotions will pass, but I can't. Right now every time I start singing, instead I start sobbing. Now I'm learning how to appear emotioneless...It's the only way to stop the tears.
That's no way to live. I'd rather be dead.
2 comments:
If you had given me the chance. At least you wouldn't have to be crying alone, fighting alone. Now we both fight alone and sing alone and hurt alone and think alone. Now, we keep everything to ourselves and show no one else anything, it wouldn't have to be that way. If you had given me the chance.
If you don't know who it is, then maybe you never really did know me and maybe all that time really was a waste. The time that you don't care about anymore.
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