Save These Thoughts for Later

Listening to your stories and remembering my own was absolutely and positively heart wrenching. Perhaps I'm being dramatic, but it most definitely was not happy for me. It made me smile to see you smile, and to remember your happy memories, but the fact that you cried about them only minutes before reminded me of what came before my numbness. I am jealous of you. I envy your ability to feel these things. To remember them. I remember them, and remember them all fondly, but I have detached all emotion from them. They numb me, remind me, chill me, then move on. This is the way of things for me, and this is how I have survived. Is that so wrong? So... right? So... what could it possibly be.
I am on new grounds, and have yet to be used to them. Wandering through life with you by my side... I feel myself on the edge of  a brave new world, with a tempest blowing at my back. Perhaps you are my island of the lotus eaters? No, you are too honest, too real, too so many other things not entirely a fantasy to be and island of the cursed fruit.
I cannot do what you do. I cannot look backwards at what I have written, or what has been written to me just yet. I am unable to do this because I am so afraid of what will happen to me.

04 August 2010

My Dearest Mitchell,

(because "Dear Mitch" just doesn't sound right)

     To call you mine is actually quite wonderful. Starting with a pleasantry of course. The written word is my forte, and I love writing letters. This will be my first to you.

     I took a few hours today to myself, sorting my emotions, thoughts, and whatnot (during which you were worried and scared, which was quite endearing.) and this is my conclusion. While I would rather express this to you in person, a letter should suffice.

     I am in no fit state to handle a deep, loving, and serious relationship. You ask me not to break you, but I am still broken by the very person who glued me together for four years. I'm in pieces. I'm tired, and you shouldn't have to deal with this. I am making excuses. I'm healed and together, but the scars strike a fear over me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever have that power over me again. I was an emotional wreck until about a month ago and I refuse to go back to that shell of a human being. It is ironic that I am so independent and yet crave emotional intimacy and the ability to rely on another person, or better yet that I am logical with the most illogical of emotions. In short, I am emotionally (if not mentally as well) unstable, set in fear, and filled with doubt.

     I have no reason to doubt you. I simply don't want you to be another one of those guys; the ones who add to all of this gear and doubt. I refuse to be used for sex or toyed with, or repeatedly abused ever again. I refuse to allow you to hurt me, but at the same time I must relinquish that power to you, and this is the part that troubles me. My fear keeps me from trusting you, but I find myself trusting you the more I fall for you. I want to like you, fall for you, fall in love with you, be in love with you. I myself must be absolutely certain you feel the same way before I let go and just fall. Your sweet words have been used on me before and I trusted so easily, fell so easily, was used, then discarded.

     I prayed about this, my torment, my confusion, my fear, then a verse gave me strength; "In all circumstances give thanks, because this is the will of God for you in Jesus Christ" 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I have always grown from all things He brought to my life, and now he brings me you. For what purpose only He knows and only time can tell.

     Be you soul mate, fleeting lover, good friend, I will accept it, and you, perfectly as is. He also reminded me that you were not those boys. You are entirely different. he has put in my heart the will to believe you, and the strength to slowly let go of my fear again. So now I will trust you, I will fall in love with you, I'll let you play the role you were meant to play in my life.

     So here is my promise to you Mitchell Victor McDaniel. I, Paulina Magbanua Libo-on, promise to love you, take care of you, hold you dear, cherish you, help you, support you, and forever remember you. I promise to make you laugh and smile, hold you when you cry, calm you when you are mad, hold your hand when you are alone or afraid, and to be forever supportive, ever present. I promise to never intentionally hurt or betray you. I promise to cater to your emotions and to be forever true.

     If you can promise to do all these things too, truly loving me in the hopes of one day falling in love with each other, then I give you my heart for your own, and all that comes with it; my trust, my love, and all that makes me

                                        My Greatest Love,

                                                             Paulina

I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

To my Dearest love,

     I love you, BUT- A horrible phrase isn't it? You're not sure what's about to come but you know it can't possibly be something good since it's precedent was something wonderful, and something horrible; or I should hope you think it's horrible, because for me it is; must follow the word "but". Now I shall continue, I love you, but this absolutely needs to be adressed or I will force myself to walk away. I will walk away from you, from this, from whatever possibly could be because I know I deserve better than this.
     Maybe it's not horrible- I'm stopping myself from continuing that because I also told myself I wouldn't make excuses for you. I had the usual run of, "I'm busy. He's busy. We're both busy. He's hanging out with friends. Maybe he's spending some family time. Maybe something has come up. Maybe... just maybe he doesn't know what he's doing and I'm making a big deal out of something very miniscule. It's the evening and you think morbidly in the evening just wait until the morning and every thing will be just fine."s. I refuse to make excuses, and I refuse to not get what I want from the person I love and who claims to love me- most especially if what I want is to feel special. I want to fall in love with you all over again each and every day. I want to be reminded of why I love you, as well as given new reasons.



I'm dramatic aren't i.

Something New

In a desperate attempt to continue writing (which I have utterly failed to do recently-- both here and at home) I have added a blogger application to my iPhone.. and hope that this will cause me to write more often. Good lock to me! (and well this application is a little lame... you can't do much)

You Leave Me Speechless...

...with fear. The fear that I will hurt again. That your words are empty, your gazes are meant to make me the fool, your touch is for your own self satisfaction, and the laughter is just another step closer to the mystery of me. I open myself, I'm vulnerable again, simply because I haven't felt this way in months? Perhaps I've already made myself the fool, that's not a job left for you to do. It is I who play the fool as I smile and giggle from your eyes, your smile, your smell... without you though my senses return to me and I remember the fool I am.
Go on then, take my emotions, steal my heart, bring me joy, then crush them all like I know you will one day.

No time in Life =/

So obviously my plans for the year totally crashed and burned and didn’t work at all like I wanted them to. And even now I am not going to write much because I have no time in life for much of anything. It is understandable being a high school senior hurdling towards graduation at a startling rate. I haven't had time to pick up my room let alone to write on this blog. Hopefully I’ll be able to find more time to begin doing such things soon, but it may still be a couple weeks before that *sigh* sooooo ttfn ta-ta-for-now!