You're Happy Without Me

i know you said i have hope


but the things he's been posting on his page

i dunno

Courtney said this isn't the end for us... she feels like this isn't how it's supposed to end for people who were so close

and Jeff said that nick said i have hope

when Jeff talked to him about it

but he seems so happy without me

that maybe it's been me holding him back all these years

courtney also mentioned it might be the influence of his band...

i've always felt like they weren't fond of me

so i suppose it's valid

but really. he seems happy without me

maybe it's better off, if i love him i should let him be

and be here when he needs me to be.
 
I wrote that all to Caroline. From everything you post on facebook, which in itself I find odd since you never went on much before, you seem so happy. Happy with yourself and life. It makes me wonder if it was me holding you back before. Has it been my fault all these years that you can't sleep, and that you hate your life? Am I the thing that has been holding you back from happiness?
Jeff said that you told him I still have hope. Were you just saying that?
 
You're my best friend. I have to have hope. Like the hope you gave me when we were up on that moment getting closer to God. The hope you gave me when you held me as I cried all those times. The hope I got each time you made me laugh, and each time you smiled at me. The hope you gave me when you held me. All that love and hope in our past.
 
Courtney is right. This isn't our end. It's just time for a new beginning.

I Want You Back

I realized I never said those words to you in my letter; the only form of communication you and I have had since the us became the you and the I. I wondered why, it was the truth and now still is. I love you, and I want you back in my life. I have to have you back in my life. I need you in my life, because without you I'm lost. Then why didn't I tell you?
I was afraid that you wouldn't want me back too. I didn't want to hear the truth, and now here I am doing what I can to get what I want, when I should be happy if you're happy. In a way I am, but I also want us to be happy together. Now after typing that I only feel so selfish, but it's true that I want you back. I'm being honest here. I was happy to hear that you actually took the time to read my letter at new years. Thank you for that. Thank you for not shutting me out then.
Today I couldn't help but smile and be happy. I remembered all of our happy times together, and I would laugh. You made comments in english that made me laugh and smile, and roll my eyes. In a good way mind you. I didn't roll my eyes because I thought you said something stupid... I rolled my eyes because it was just very you to make that comment.
Today I thought about Russia. The messages you sent me on facebook, and their ridiculousness. How hard that trip was for me. How just as if I had never been gone, I left Mr. Morgan's classroom after zero period, turned left, went around the building, and saw you. How I smiled, and ran to hug you. How you caught me. How I cried because I missed you. When I told you how ridiculous I felt for crying. I hadn't realized how much I missed you until I finally saw you. I remember how you told me how lost you felt without me around. Today I experienced that. You have always been my constant companion, and I never really noticed it until you were gone.  I miss my best friend.

I am afraid about being pushed away from you, but at the same time I know I will have to be honest with you if I am to have hope.

Stay Positive

I'm trying so hard to be positive. Really I am. I can't right now though. Not when you don't know that I love you. I can't feel positive when I don't have you to talk to, or your shoulder to cry on anymore. I miss your hugs, your laughs, and all those ridiculous jokes. I miss how you would make me feel better when things ended with all those other guys. How you would always try to cheer me up, and make me feel better about the whole situation. You're not here this time. Now you're on the other side. You're the one things ended with and I'm alone with no one to tell me things are going to be okay. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this one. I don't know if I'm strong enough to lose my best friend.
I don't know what else to do or say besides the fact that I love and I am so sorry.
Things changed so quickly that I didnt' even see them coming. It was too short. We were supposed to love each other for beyond forever and now I'm just lost.
I wish you were here at least to hold me while I cried. Instead I type away and get my keyboard all wet and salty because I don't want to write it out. Some strange pitiful hope that you'll read these someday, turn to me and tell me I don't have to worry about this happening ever again. That somehow we can exist again.
Part of me feels like a fool for even thinking such a thing, but the other part of me has to have hope. I have to have hope that the past four years meant something to you and you honestly love me. That your heart keeps no record of wrongs and can forgive me. I have to have hope that you and I can smile together again or else I dont' know what I'll do.
I'm scared, and I'm alone, and all I can do is cry when no one is around.
Scream, cry, and beg to the sky that you hear me. Scream your name into my pillow every night as tears run down my face and whisper that I love you when I can't scream anymore.

Nick, I love you. I miss you, I need you I want you. Be with me, love me, want me too, tell me you miss me too.
Hold me while I cry because I don't want anyone else to. Whisper in my ear that everything is going to be alright. Please tell me that we can get through this because I don't want to, I can't live life without you.

To Stay Away

To be asked to stay away from you? To pull away and ignore you? I don't know if I can do that. The forced proximity we will have that used to be desired will most definitely be a factor. That and perhaps I don't want to pull away. Such is life I suppose. I feel sick and twisted and confused, but then again I'm a teenage girl. What else is to be expected of me?
Still though I am determined. I have to have hope. Without it I'll be lost. I pull this hope from inside of myself now, instead of from you. My source of light and joy in my life. I have to find another place, and now I look in the place that I have been so afraid to look in for so long- inside of myself.
It's a dark and scary place, adn yet, I have to search here. Elsewhere I feel only desolation, so now where else is there to look? And now I know I'm stronger than I was before. I am challenged to look inside of myself and I realize just how amazing it is. I look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl growing into a beautiful young lady. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am beautfiul.

I never would have seen it if it weren't for you. Thank you.

Sunshine

Happy New Year to all of you who bother to read this!
May God bless and keep you and all of your loved ones!
Notice, I did not say family. For some family is your blood relatives, for others family is so much more than that... So to be sure that my meaning is clear, I truly do mean all of those who you love and keep dear to you. The end of my year suddenly hit me with a pang of hurt and sorrow, but who's to say that it won't make me stronger? This time I know my faults, and I will not take more blame than is my worth. I have cried, but I will not steep in my own sorrow. It is a new year, and the sun is shining.
I refuse to let that part of me that sees only the bad thrive. I have my hope, and that's all that is really needed. I look far too much to the negative, and now life is showing me that the negative is not who I was meant to be. I am loud and happy. That is who I choose to be.
The new year though does bring it's own challenge for me. My new years resolution, a challenge... If you know me at all it's quite obvious I would have picked something challenging for myself. If you truly know me you will also expect me to fail. This year though I feel something different. A strange determination fills my heart that I have not felt before. So now I will choose to be wiser, and think before I speak.
Yes, that is my new years resolution. I hope you do not think I will beging to censor my thoughts and words. Au contraire messiuer-dames! I will still voice out my thoughts and opinions when I deem it appropriate to. I believe that it is rather I will choose my words more carefully. The english language has words that have such careful connotations, and more often than not I ignore those connotations in my speech. So now I think before I speak in the hopes of improving who I am.
A new me, and a new year. How cliche. Well I suppose it's not to be helped, I'm quite the cliche person.

The Hundreth Post Which Just Like The Others Is About Life and Love

Dear... How do i start with dear in these sort of things?
     What's more appropriate? Hey? What's up? -Nick? Yes, that one?
Nick,    
     I'm at a loss for words and yet I write. My speech flows more when I write but I'm also much more uncensored. So please, bear with me?
     I've never been good with the English language. I speak before I think, just trusting the immediate meaning of a word rather than it's connotations. I'm self centered, think way too often about myself instead of seeing what I do to those around me. In retrospect do I realize what I've done what I do. Many times I make the same mistake again before I finally learn.
     I just thought about this, but sorry if this is hard to read.      
     I'm still a child. I make mistakes and I try my best to learn from them, but I don't. I'm a far cry from the young woman I want to be. I'm anxious all the time. I choose to expect the worst because I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up. I'm afraid of the world failing me and life pushing me down. I've learned to expect the least, to be happy with what I have. I know I don't deserve to have the things I do. I don't deserve to be happy, and yet I am. I push away those who love me, and don't let them get close to me. that way when they leave me I won't miss them as much. I think, feel, and believe such desolate things, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it all. There is that hopeful part of me, though it doesn't seem to come out in private too often. I dwell in the past, afraid it will dictate my future. When I see a similarity suddenly I worry that I'm going down the same path. I either worry continuously until I've forgotten about it, or I fight too hard against it, instead of seeing what will be I only see what was.
    I have flaws. I make mistakes, and I'm only human. I'm sorry. Sorry that I've caused you pain. I'm sorry that I've hurt someone who means so much to me. I'm sorry I looked at the darker side of things. I'm so happy around you that none of it could possibly be real. Something had to be wrong and i had to find it.     
     I'm sorry i brought up my ex's all the time, they meant a lot to me, but they're the past (you are were are were) You're my present. I didn't see what was in front of me because I was too focused on what was behind me rather then treating you like my boyfriend I still tried to act like you were my best friend. I wasn't careful about what I said, I should have changed, been more willing to move forward but I didn't. I'm sorry for drifting out of reality. For not smiling every time I saw you or letting you know how much i love you each and every moment I'm sorry for not appreciating all the little things you've done for me over the years. even the big things like being my shoulder to cry on, and my friend. for loving me. 
     There's still so much to learn and understand about each other. There are so many sides to you, and I should put in the effort to figure it out.
     This isn't as important, but I'm soo sorry about your glasses! I really didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
     I should probably explain what the random puzzle pieces are. they were supposed to be a scavenger hunt for our 3 month anniversary. Start with an empty jar and a clue which led you to a puzzle piece, then another and so on and so forth. The gift was meant for you, so here, and happy new year. They were supposed to be in different places that (are) were important to us from freshman year on
     If I ever appeared to be trying to change you, then I'm sorry. I love you just the way you are. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. you mean so much to me, and I love you. I don't know any other way to say it.     
     Well I suppose this is my final plea. for now I can't think of much else save for I wasn't trying to play games, toy with emotions. This is what I'm thinking. I want the chance to talk to you face to face and talk about this    

Love, Sincerely? Both? how do you end this sort of letter... thing?
Paulina

I want to work things out. I need to work out my issues and I'm asking you to bear with me. you promised you'd never forget that I loved you no matter what. Please don't break that promise.



I'm sorry. I know you don't even know about this blog, and you'll get the original handwritten version but I'm so sorry. I love you. I want to be around you. I want to have you in my life. You've made me stronger. And I hope to God I didn't do the opposite for you. Thank you for that.

Something Different

This is different for me. I have never been in a position in my life where I have even had to think about relationships. Yet, here I am having to actually consider the fact that I may end up in a relationship. Of course, there is a chance that I will, but there is also the chance that I won’t. Either way, I have never considered it before. Sure, I have thought about it, but it’s not the same to think about it as to realize that you actually have a true chance for something. This is something different. This is something that I haven’t experienced before. It is new to my 17 year old life. Things are changing at an incredible rate and for once, I am not finding myself freaking out.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about with this right now. I just started, but now I think that I am done already because there isn’t exactly a whole lot that I can say at this current point in time. There isn’t much that I know for sure, but there are things, and information that is out there that seems to be something worth knowing and hearing. I am not exactly sure how to take it, or what to think about it, but for now, I am just going to let myself be happy. It’s not like I could fight it right now even if I wanted to. :)