Something Different

This is different for me. I have never been in a position in my life where I have even had to think about relationships. Yet, here I am having to actually consider the fact that I may end up in a relationship. Of course, there is a chance that I will, but there is also the chance that I won’t. Either way, I have never considered it before. Sure, I have thought about it, but it’s not the same to think about it as to realize that you actually have a true chance for something. This is something different. This is something that I haven’t experienced before. It is new to my 17 year old life. Things are changing at an incredible rate and for once, I am not finding myself freaking out.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about with this right now. I just started, but now I think that I am done already because there isn’t exactly a whole lot that I can say at this current point in time. There isn’t much that I know for sure, but there are things, and information that is out there that seems to be something worth knowing and hearing. I am not exactly sure how to take it, or what to think about it, but for now, I am just going to let myself be happy. It’s not like I could fight it right now even if I wanted to. :)

What’s the best choice?

That, is the question that everyone answers at every point in time. Some choices are no-brainers and you don’t even realize that you’re making them. Others, take much more thought. I made a choice to start writing right now instead of continuing to study for my Government test (and quiz) on Wednesday. I ended up choosing a topic to start writing about. I am still trying to choose whether or not i am going to eat ice cream before I go to bed and whether or not I am going to do the math homework I was assigned today. I am thinking yes on ice cream and no on homework, but that’s just me. The homework probably won’t even be collected tomorrow, so I am not going to stress about it, I am tired. So tired. I have gotten to that point where I am just typing and I am no longer actually thinking about what I am putting down on this paper. If it can be called paper…

There are some choices that are much harder than others. The choice of whether or not to tell someone what you think about them is an incredibly tough choice. Is it worth it? What if the other person does not reciprocate? Then what? Did you just make a good friendship awkward for nothing? In Economics, a decision is made by weighing the costs and the benefits. What if you don’t know the costs, and you don’t know the benefits? So many things can happen by just that one statement that there is absolutely no way that you can know what is going to happen if you just utter those words. If the feelings are mutual, sure it was worth it, but if they aren’t, then, in turn, it’s not worth it. So, at what point can you decide whether or not the benefit is worth the cost.

Well, these are the options for most people. For me, I have only one option. I won’t say anything. I don’t believe that it’s worth it. And, not being worth it, there is no point in me even going through this whole though process, yet, I do it anyway. That’s alright, at least I can say I thought about the option, I just don’t see it as an actual option for me. But, oh well. What can I do about that?

She tells me I am holding myself back…

… and she is probably right. When it comes to these things she usually is. But she also tells me that she thinks you like me, and I can’t be sure about that. Not yet anyway. Yes, she knows me very well, and she tells me that I should have told you. That I should have just told you that night; I should have told you that I like you. I don’t think I can even do something like that. I am not sure that I want to know what you think of that idea. It’s a scary thought. I think about you a lot, about everything that’s happened, and I want to agree with her, but I don’t want to think things that may not be true. The only thing I can say is what if it isn’t true? When I tell her this, I know that she is thinking that it’s things like this where I get in my own way of something happening. But why should I have to take the first step? If you actually like me, why can’t you do it? In reality, I almost just want to stop thinking about you. I don’t know why I get so scared when I am thinking about things like this, but it does scare me. This is a step in my life that I haven’t had to consider yet, but she makes me think about it, and consider it, and even though I want it, I think I am scared. Well, I guess she is probably right and it’s more nerves than anything, I am not sure it makes it any better. So yes, it’s better to just stop thinking because there is no point in just hoping for things that probably won’t happen.

You told me to just hope for the best, but you don’t know that it’s you. If you knew, then you probably wouldn’t be saying that. You would tell me that I should get over it, and that’s okay because that’s what I need to do. I want to think all sorts of things, but I do my best to stop myself because things just don’t happen for me. I think it may be too soon anyway for me to know if I actually really like you, so in my opinion, it’s just better for me to give it time. She tells me that if I were just able to do what I needed to do, something could have happened already and I wouldn’t still be thinking these things. But I doubt myself too much. What makes me think that I will find someone that I like that likes me too? Sure I am young, but why should I think that this prospect of my life is going to go anywhere? Why should I be able to find that somebody that everyone always wants to find? And it’s thoughts like this that make her say things like this to me…

(Oh wow they never play this song on the radio, but of course they are playing it now: Somebody by Reba McEntire – and I can’t help singing along)

I shouldn’t be doing this

I really shouldn’t. I should be working on homework and not typing this right now. But, I don’t want to work on homework stuff. There are so many things going on right now that I just can’t concentrate on anything. I am talking to you right now, only I guess, it’s a different you. I have talked about someone I refer to as “you” but I can’t think about him right now. I did my best not to think about him before anyway. It’s not the smart thing to do. So, after what’s happened I did my best to just not think about it and it’s alright. I first started talking about you to people a few weeks ago. I didn’t know exactly what it was that made me so interested in you. I wanted to be able to get to know you some. You are different, interesting, and I think that it’s really cool. I shouldn’t be thinking about you. I should be focused on schoolwork because I need to finish this thing, but while I am talking to you, I can’t help but thinking about you. It’s difficult for me to concentrate and even though I have everything that I need and I just need to be able to copy it onto the powerpoint, I am having issues just doing that. It involves too much thinking. Still, I am trying. I am trying very hard to be able to accomplish this and just finish the stupid homework.

It’s teenage life really. I think it’s all stupid. You are living in it knowing that when you grow up that it’s not going to mean anything to anyone anymore, but all of the little things, all the stupid teenage things still have your attention, because it still feels like it does matter. For now, it will, and although in the future, it will have no relevance to your life, it will still be a memory, and I guess since we are supposed to be living the for the present anyway, why not care about what’s going on. Well, right now, I am writing about whatever first pops in up in my head, but in reality, I am not even sure that it makes sense because I am tired. And of course, I can only think about you right now, which would be hard not to do, because I am talking to you. Even still, I shouldn’t be thinking about you. Stupid teenage things.

My life right now

Social time is fun.

School is easy to live through.

Food is good.

Music is the best.

My friends are amazing.

And guys suck.

That is all I have to say.

Guys just freaking suck.

(not all of them, I mean no offense to any good guys out there.)

Food

I like food, but then again, who doesn’t? Yes, I am in a random mood, I started a blog entry about food. The problem is that I am rather hungry right now and I am waiting for dinner to be ready. That, and I remembered a topic that came up in my Economics class yesterday. Paulina was talking about food from some food-place (the name is escaping me right now) because of something that Marisa said. She said what she ordered there to share between her and her sister and our teacher was astonished at the amount of food that they ordered. Funny thing is, I can eat more. It was so funny knowing that he was tripping our over something that I knew that I could beat. I would have said something, but instead, I was quiet. I don’t really like people knowing my amazing story of food. Its so bad, I just ate so much that day. Paulina was there. She remembers this day that I am remembering. That is why I don’t eat a lot around other people. I generally only eat a “normal amount” (which is still kind of a lot for someone my size) because people start tripping out and then I don’t want to eat anymore. I actually think that it’s funny.

Well, I want something to talk about other than food, but I don’t think that I have anything else to talk about. I am just that hungry. It’s quite distracting; I can’t bring my mind to think of too much else besides music and food. I guess that’s alright because music and food is all we need anyway. (That was a joke by the way.)

Tomorrow is the first day of Tiller Days! I think I am going to go tomorrow. This will be the second time that I will have gone to Tustin Tiller Days. I went last year and I hope that I have more fun this year. I am actually quite excited about it. It seemed like it would be really fun. The only problem I had was that I didn’t actually go with anyone so once the guys (Nyne) was done and everyone left I was left on my own. That was my cue to leave. This time, however, I am actually going with a group of people, which is something that I have never done in my life, and I am looking forward to it. Either way, I am getting ahead of myself. I don’t really even know if I am going to be able to go. So, we will have to see.

I never Finished

Dear Garrett Sturdivant,

I like your full name (middle name not included since you never told me what it is), have I ever told you that? I've never heard the last name, and your first name is rare in my life as well. I promised I would write to you didn't I? While you were at bootcamp, and here I am, writing to you. The letter may not be slipped into an envelope and on its way to you at the moment... but it is available to you, and it is to you...