Xavier

Dear X,

I don’t know how to tell you what I am trying to say. Heck, I don’t even know what I am trying to say. You know, you tell me that it’s not just me, but how do I know you aren’t just saying that to make me feel better? Yes, I second-guess and over think everything. I wonder these things most likely because I don’t believe something like this can happen to me. Then again, thinking about it, I guess even if it was both of us, it can’t. You are out wherever you are and I am here, wherever that is. I try to imagine what it will be like to see you again, but I can’t. When we talk you seem so sure about everything, that it will all be fine, but I don’t feel quite as confident. I worry. I don’t even know what I worry about, but I worry. Looking back on what I wrote, I think I convey a sad tone, but I am not sad. Just confused; then again, what in life isn’t confusing? I am not sure if you will read this, and maybe that’s why I put it on here, but if you do, don’t feel obligated to say anything to me about it. At least you will have read it. I think that I put this here because I am not sure I want to say any of this to you, but if I did, I wouldn’t want it to be at a time where it may seem that I am expecting you to say something, because I don’t. For lack of anything else to say, I guess I will end here.

Nichole :)

P.S. Again re-reading this, I realize that things I say can be understood the wrong way. I mean nothing bad, and I can’t wait to see you again. :)

P.S.S. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me at times when we aren't talking, but I don't want to ask you. ;)

P.S.S. I almost hope that you don't read this. It is probably better for the both of us if you end up not reading it.

Fairytales...

are lies. They lead children to believe that things that will never happen will. Sure, all these Disney movies are cute, and fun to watch, but they LIE. From the time that all the young are born, they learn and watch fairytale movies and hear fairytale stories. I may have to go out on a limb and say that it can be worse for girls than it is for boys. They show these little girls that 15 and 16 year olds can see a guy and they will fall in love and get married and they don't even have to say a paragraph's worth of dialogue to one another. (I say 15 and 16 because that's actually how old alot of them are.) It's not right. I see my little girl cousins talking about their "Prince Charming" that is waiting for them to grow up some and know that there is no such thing.

I see them believing these lies and even though I know that this won't happen, I have to play along because "it's nice to llet them have something to believe in" (or so the other females in my family say). Well, in my opinion, the only thing that's going to happen is that one day, they are going to wake up and realize that life just doesn't work that way, and they will be heart broken. They are going to realize that in real life, things don't just work out for you.

What are we teaching our children? Of course, all of these movies are adorable and must-sees, if you know better than to believe them, but how do you avoid children believing in things that just don't happen? It's not easy, but I guess I will have to wait and see...

Capitol Hill : Where Neither Bright nor Brawny Reside

The greatest men in political history were neither the smartest, nor the strongest men this world has ever seen. These men were some of the most clever, and the most cunning though. Those who play hardball in the political world, are the men we saw playing by themselves as children. They were the ones who watched, listened, and learned. They were men who above all things, understood how people work.

Jimmy Carter was a man who watched and understood. He saw that when a man has been knocked off of a high horse, all that is needed to pick him back up is a little bit of encouraging. Carter was also a man clever enough to see that if you help a man back up, he is certain to follow you. Carter utilized the charm of the political world, to convince men to delve even deeper into that world, and most importantly, follow him into it during the 1976 elections. The glamour of the political world, a world where everyone in the nation could possibly love you, and the opportunity to help others into it in the hopes of riding on their coattails.

Whoever works the small jobs behind the scenes on Capitol Hill, has the most power. It is those workers, that men such as Jimmy Carter have laid their foundations on. On Capitol Hill, in the Hardball world of politics that so many are attracted to, the one skill one has to hone and master is people. One must convince others to join their cause, and ensure that they support them; more importantly, continue to support them. It is men such as the manager of phones who anyone playing hardball wishes to have on their side. Everyone on Capitol Hill is a pawn, including the men who might seem like kings. Those who succeed on the Hill are those who learn to use all the other pawns to their advantage, thus becoming a player.

A clever player of any game will always use is weaknesses to the best of his ability. Such a clever player turns his flaws into the weapons he uses. A player on Capitol Hill must ensure that his pawns never discover that in truth they are just that, pawns. A tool to ensure that pawns stay pawns, is to never show that the player is weak. Barbara A. Mikulski fought her way to the senate with her clever wit. She used her wit to arm herself with what has held so many others back, her height. Rather then hiding her weakness, she exposed herself to the world, and they accepted her exactly as she was, all four feet and eleven inches. She controlled what her audience saw and interpreted, never showing that she could be taken down.

To listen, learn, and understand is what it takes to play hardball. To make it in such a charmed world, one cannot let themselves be drawn in. They must play the game but not be in the game. The smartest, and strongest men don’t reside on capitol hill, these men avoid it if anything. It is those who are witty, and cunning, who truly thrive.

I pretend that I'm confident... because I'm afraid.

I pretend to be loud... because I'm afraid what they'll ask if I'm quiet.

I pretend to be strong... because in truth i'm pitifully weak.

I pretend to know what i'm doing... because I honestly have no clue what to do.

I pretend to be so much... because I'm afraid that you won't love me. ♥

I am at a loss...

Well, at a loss for words. Life continues to move and move and just continue on moving. It's that train that doesn't wait for anyone so once you fall off it can be just so hard to be able to jump back on. It will continue to take you on your journey, whether you're ready or not. Today was registration. It hit me all of a sudden that my childhood years are nearly behind me. Another year and I will have to be an adult because I no longer have a choice. Life has continued to move onward, leaving me behind because I wasn't ready to continue onward. But of course, since when was life fair to us? Since when has this world cared about what we wished for? Since never. So this is where I have to realize that life is never going to slow down for me so that I can enjoy it. I am the one that is always just getting comfortable after the change only to have life change again. Only now am I beginning to seem more like a normal teenager as I am on the way out of high school into college life where no doubt I won't get into college life until it's almost time for me to leave it.

Who knows why this is? Well, other than God, no one has the capabilities to answer my questions. So of course, I am going to have to wait and continue waiting while I continue to fall behind that train that is disappearing into the distance. Well, maybe I will catch up someday, but I am not quite so sure about that day being anytime soon.

Either way. With school starting in just a week and what, two days? I have to be ready to fight through my last year of high school.

Words

Words. No one knows exactly what they can do. Sometimes, they do nothing, they are just there, but sometimes, they can change a person's life.

The other day, I watched this show. There was a man, and his son (whose names I can't remember). The man's business was failing, and he blamed alot of people for his problems and the things that happened. One day he took his son, who was 15, to a cabin he owned in the woods. They talked, and after a while, he asked his son to go outside and gather firewood for him. As the son is coming back, he hears a shot, and when he finally figures out what it was, he finds his dad. His dad had committed suicide and left the son (who had no mom) all alone in the world. In his suicide note, he gave examples of people who just didn't care, who were unkind to him. He wrote that he was too cowardly to take his son with him, and finally, that no one cared.

But the son cared.

For the next few months, he killed everyone who he thought was responsible for his father's death. All of the people that were named in the letter were killed because they had to do their job. When the boy grew up, he had a lot of financial problems too, and began to blame others for his problems. When he was the same age his father was when he killed himself, he began killing again. He killed those people he blames, people who told him that "no one cares." In the end, he was ready to kill his wife, then himself.

Words. They can make a person's day, but they can ruin it too. They can change a person's life. They changed the life of that boy who didn't know what to do. The one thing he remembers about his father's note was that he wrote that no one cares. It hurt him to the core, because he cared about his father, and that death scarred him for life.

So, one thing that you can never forget: no matter how angry you get, how sad you feel, you can never carelessly throw words out there. Someone may remember those words for the rest of their life, and unless they're good words, you don't want to be responsible for the well-being of a person to be worse off than it could have been.

Be careful with words, they can be dangerous weapons, but they can also be the best medicine.

Happy Birthday

"Happy Birthday! We miss you!"

And it's true. All three of us miss you.

2008: A precious little girl. With the little red patch on her face. A little bit of you and I sown in.

2009: A fragile paper box. Tiny little handmade stars. Beautiful memories with every little fold

2010: Thoughts. Emotions. Love. These words.

I saw him yesterday... and he was either engrossed in the complexity that is a crossword puzzle that he held in his hand, or he didn't want to talk to me. Knowing him it's quite possibly both at once. I wanted to reach out, and hug him like I would have done ages ago... I know it's not too long ago, and yet to me it feels like ages... but I knew it would have been inappropriate. That my feelings would not be reciprocated. I want to say that I know because I am so sure, and yet, I do not know, and the little flicker in my heart called hope wants to say he was holding himself back too. The part of me that always keeps me here on earth though... is telling me just how wrong I am.

I was foolish, and when I was asked to choose, I didn't choose him. I chose someone new, someone fresh, someone who I thought wouldn't give me the tumultuous life that I had lead with today's birthday boy. I was so wrong, and now it's too late to fix the mistake I made. All of the hurt I did to someone I honestly loved. Still love. I promised him that I would always love him, no matter what happened. It's true though, I do still love him. The one promise I have honestly kept with him. The rest I can't go back and fix either. So many mistakes to such a jewel, that I didn't realize I had. Perhaps he was right. Sometimes the girl has to do the chasing. Especially when she doesn't deserve the man she chases. A man shouldn't chase a girl who doesn't deserve him ever. All of the things society and chivalry say that a man should do for a lady, should also be reciprocated.

So now, because anything else would be inapporopriate. These words are my birthday gift to you this year.

I'm so sorry for everything. You were right all along, and you didn't deserve the abuse I put you through. You didn't deserve, the fighting, the arguements, the unreciprocated love. You didn't deserve the pain I put you through. You didn't deserve the confusion, any of it. You still don't. All of the mistakes were my own. You were never at fault. You still aren't. I miss you. And despite all of the broken promises to you, I have kept one. I love you.