I'm Still Scared Sometimes

I know you don't want me to be. I know you do your best to make where I'm not, but sometimes I still am. Sometimes I'm still scared but I yearn to feel like I did in that moment I told you that I'm not scared anymore. I finally understood all the feeling you have, the times I hear your heart racing and feel you shaking. I felt it, it was in me and it was almost just a beautiful thing. Before that moment I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't know what else to do or that there would be anything else for me. You give me hope for that and I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

You're trying. I can feel it. You've done your best to convince me. To tell me that you'll never leave. That you can make me whole. Something I have never been (and something I hate to say is half my own cause). And I'm on the brink of believing you. Somhow it seems so soon for everything but I'm not sure it can all be put in rewind. So, for once in my life I won't run from the possibility of pain. For once in my life I will just go with the flow. I will let life take me where it will. I will be more. Because you need me to be more. Because if nothing else you deserve a me that is more. I still feel that you deserve more than me, but you are stubborn that way. I don't mind <3. It's another part of you that I love. Oh, that's right. I said it. I love you. <3

To my Dearest love,

     I love you, BUT- A horrible phrase isn't it? You're not sure what's about to come but you know it can't possibly be something good since it's precedent was something wonderful, and something horrible; or I should hope you think it's horrible, because for me it is; must follow the word "but". Now I shall continue, I love you, but this absolutely needs to be adressed or I will force myself to walk away. I will walk away from you, from this, from whatever possibly could be because I know I deserve better than this.
     Maybe it's not horrible- I'm stopping myself from continuing that because I also told myself I wouldn't make excuses for you. I had the usual run of, "I'm busy. He's busy. We're both busy. He's hanging out with friends. Maybe he's spending some family time. Maybe something has come up. Maybe... just maybe he doesn't know what he's doing and I'm making a big deal out of something very miniscule. It's the evening and you think morbidly in the evening just wait until the morning and every thing will be just fine."s. I refuse to make excuses, and I refuse to not get what I want from the person I love and who claims to love me- most especially if what I want is to feel special. I want to fall in love with you all over again each and every day. I want to be reminded of why I love you, as well as given new reasons.



I'm dramatic aren't i.

Something New

In a desperate attempt to continue writing (which I have utterly failed to do recently-- both here and at home) I have added a blogger application to my iPhone.. and hope that this will cause me to write more often. Good lock to me! (and well this application is a little lame... you can't do much)

You Leave Me Speechless...

...with fear. The fear that I will hurt again. That your words are empty, your gazes are meant to make me the fool, your touch is for your own self satisfaction, and the laughter is just another step closer to the mystery of me. I open myself, I'm vulnerable again, simply because I haven't felt this way in months? Perhaps I've already made myself the fool, that's not a job left for you to do. It is I who play the fool as I smile and giggle from your eyes, your smile, your smell... without you though my senses return to me and I remember the fool I am.
Go on then, take my emotions, steal my heart, bring me joy, then crush them all like I know you will one day.