I Am In A Quandary

I'm quite a lucky little girl.
I know the majority of my vocabulary words because Ryan and Jonathan had used them so often around me...
I'm lucky in other ways...
If I'm so lucky, then why am I so reluctant to reciprocate the love that I am lucky to receive?
Perhaps...I don't belong in that world at all. Maybe he wants me in that world, in his world, but I can't! I couldn't possibly. I don't fit. I don't belong.
It hurts me though. To not be a part of all his laughter and revelry. Is it wrong for it to hurt so much? Is it wrong for me to want so much? I thought perhaps only to hear his voice... but then, I'm not sure... It only made everything that much worse.

Why is it always so hard to let go... For the people that it's hard to let go... Is it because you still want to hold on?

Why is the world so backwards?

I have just now found out that the world is too insanely backwards. People tell me that I am backwards with me being left handed and everything else that I do backwards from everyone else. But really, it is the world that is backwards. I have been in a state of utter confusion with these two guys that I have liked in the past few years. While I liked the first one, the other would be giving signs and vying for that kind of attention that I would try to ignore in hopes that the first would work out. But, after too long of hoping for the first, I decided to turn to the second and put my attention on him in hopes that maybe something would work out with him. That, of course, didn't work one bit. After my descision to switch to the other, it went well, but began to fall apart, and the first one began acting different, as if he wanted something closer than a mix between aquaintances and friends. It was confusing. I didn't want to get into a mix with two guys, so tried my best not to care. This didn't work so well either. I finally made the descision (for those of you that don't know, I suck at spelling, I try my best) that I wouldn't make a descision, and that I would stop trying and let things flow the way that they would. And it has not been more than 24 hours since I made that descision (it's been about 23... hehe), and things are beginning to fall closer and closer in to place. I just don't have to try, and everything seems to already be working out. It's as if not trying is the best form of trying. You cannot tell me that this world is not backwards... this not trying really is working so much better than trying to do anything. For this reason, I almost don't mind that the world is this way, it just makes things harder because it took so long for me to realize that in order to try for one, then, I just have to stop trying for either. For some reason, I now that this will make everything work out. Though this backwards world makes everything more difficult, it made it take longer for me to realize what I have to do, I love this backwards world because if everything was just so easy, then there would be no point in doing anything. And though it took me three years to realize what I had to do for these two guys, I am glad, because I have time to become ready for what is to come in my life.