Dust

What am I to this world? I'm just dust in the wind, I forget where that saying is from. I am dust in the wind. As humans we'd like to believe that we are more than what we actually are. We are simply a result of evolution. We have destroyed so many beautiful things. I truly believe there is no hope for the human race. We are all terrible and ugly creatures. There is no hope at all for humans Even love is something we use to fool ourselves into happiness. It's a stupid drug and after our dose we're even worse off then we were before. The earth would be a better place if human's didn't exist.

So in the words of the famous Juliet
"what if this (poison) do not work at all? . . . No, no: this shall forbid it: lie thou there."
Blades are beautiful.

Evil Wishes

For the first time in a long time, I'm taking painkillers to sleep. All there's left to do is wait. If I stop long enough I can feel the blood pulsing through every vein and artery. The majority in my head. The hind of the left hemisphere to be exact. I hate chasing. I do not want to chase. I want to be chased. Right now I want to cry.
Two more pills, and I'm off.
No matter how evil it sounds, I hope someone out there is having worse thoughts than I tonight.

Almost Midnight Train

I am alone. I take colace and comfort in a pencil and a blank page. With my friends I laugh louder and I smile bigger, but when my face is blank, and I write, I am happier. I am happier in this quiet. At heart I am still that quiet little girl. these pages don't comfort me though. Human comfort lasts only a few minutes. I feel so used, so dirty. On top of it all I feel so alone.
21:38
It is dark, and I'm alone. I'm fighting the darkness by myself. I'm reaching out and no one takes my hand. I'm calling out adn no one answers me. I hear led scratching, or led on paper, adn that is all. I hate the hand I have been dealt in life. I have no true talent or instinct for anything. Everything in my life I have done to please others. What is it I have done for myself? These words in themselves are just in case people don't know why I did it. Life. Liberty. The pursuit of happiness. Do I then also have the right to death, servitude and depression?
21:47
The memory of his voice and the image that accompanied it: his tears. The image in my mind? My blood.

Morning Confessions

I have a confession! I love pop Music! this hardcore rock lover also loves Hilary Duff, LMNT, Aly + AJ, the disney music and all that other stuff rock lovers curst to hell! I'm now going to sing Hilary Duff while I dance around my room!

Two questions for you : have you ever wondered why in sci-fi movies of the future everyone uses swords or some cool weapon, while today we just blow things up?
What do I give back to the world?

Morning After Pill

I am worried about him. this morning I have realized that I do not remember (or think I have ever known) the reason why he's so distraught. This past night I spent an hour trying to remember Somewhere Over The Rainbow. I failed. TJ is the one who brought Ryan to the forefront of my thoughts. He is worried too. I enjoy playing piano now. Even if I'm terrible at it.

Nightly Rambles

I told him in a few minutes I would follow him to dreamland. For the first time in a long time i've lied to him. I'm not following him. I... my mind had been at a time of happiness in my life. When I tried to share it with him... he was crying. Again he wasn't talking to me or with me, but rather at me. I could neither hear him, or understand him. He dragged me back into the present. He was the one who felt like, crying, now it's me. I'm not though thankfully. what would Mr. Richardson have said? Now he was a teacher who truly cared about all aspects of his students' lives. I feel torn. I am in two dimensions of time. The happy parts of my past, and the present. That amazing fourth grade class, and the person who I have loved so much, who minutes ago was crying at me. Perhaps time apart will be good for us. I'll answer when he needs me, but this weekend I need to disconnect.
Right now I love him, but there is a negative feeling there and I have no name for it.

I also doubt I will actually disconnect

Falling In Love With You My Summer Sunshine

I'm falling in love with you. I'm never going to stop falling in love with you. I fall more and more each day, and I keep wondering if it will ever stop, and always hoping it doesn't. Despite it all, all the changes, all of the new and amazing things that are happening to the two of us. Chasing each other like the sun chases the moon, and the moon chases the sun across the sky. I have secrets to why I live, to why I thrive. Everyone does, they have to in order to survive in this world.
The heat of summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else in the heat of summer sunshine. I'll kiss you. Over and over and over again. Despite it all, we've made it through so much, how? How come I feel do desolate and alone, then you happen to call me in that moment?
I am making a gift for you. It is interwoven with my tears, my laughter, my thoughts and emotions. I wonder if you can see where the emotions change? Where everything is gnarled and tangled, compared to where things are smooth and wonderful. Like the words that I write, both known and kept in my head, or kept safe in a cardboard box under my bed, this gift has so many different parts. Just like our relationship has had it's ups and downs. You and I can work through anything together. Now is a happy time for you. Now is the hardest time in my life so far. There will be harder times. But now I have you by my side to help me through it all.
I miss you.

The Brink, The Edge, Whatever You Want To Call It

It's been so easy for me to put the appearance of happiness, or in the least contentment for so long. I've gotten so good at it that I can even truly trick those who really know me if I really wanted to. Now that I've kept everything inside, and locked up for so long, I can't hold it anymore. I can't stop crying, even when times I'm laughing tears escape me, and that's never happened before. Even little TJ can't help me anymore. He's at a loss of words for me. I'm at a loss of words for me.
The fact that my family calls me fat, stupid, ugly. Such simple and base words, but from my family they're so hurtful. From other people usually I can ignore, even make fun of, but from my own family, and for so long? Just thinking about it and I burst out into tears. The past hour has been filled with my tears. My family just passes me and they don't even notice... They can yell at me, be stern with me, be so cold with me, then go and laugh with each other. When they turn back to me they're so cold again though. How can they be so hurtful to me, then so warm to each other? Mon dieu! Water works again... I wish I could stop crying. Crying is weak. You shouldn't cry. There are so many people I know I can turn to, but for some reason I feel like I can't. I turn to a teddy bear. I can't call him that he's done too much for me. I turn to TJ, and he can't do anything for me right now... He's so helpless... Even listening to music, I still sing, but I blare it because I think my voice is terrible.
When I'm with those (or at least talking to those) who I know I truly love, and who honestly love me back, I feel a glimmer of hope that all of these damned emotions will pass, but I can't. Right now every time I start singing, instead I start sobbing. Now I'm learning how to appear emotioneless...It's the only way to stop the tears.
That's no way to live. I'd rather be dead.

Clergymen Aren't That Different From Politicians

The most important thing about the communication process described in chapter one is that the process as a whole results ultimately in a sharing of ideas and feelings in an understandable manner. In other words one must communicate not only for the single person’s benefit, but rather for the benefit of the speaker as well as their audience. The most motivational speakers of our time speak not mainly for themselves, but to inspire the audience and in that fact alone they are great speakers. As a speaker one must not concentrate on how the speaker themselves sounds, but rather how the speaker will sound to their audience. The exchanges and feedback can work in a cycle back and forth between the speaker and audience, if the speaker has the ability to read their audience. Communication is not only speaking but listening; and by participating in both man can share, and thus inspire. For example members of the clergy speak with a passion and strength behind them, as they are expected to. While these people believe this comes from God speaking through them, this idea in itself gives them the confidence to be good speakers. Clergymen speak learning when the best time to change volume would be to add a dramatic sense to it, or when to change their pitch in order to make the congregation excited. In response to the clergyman’s words as well as the other dynamics of his speech, the congregation may either be caught up in the words and feel a rush of emotion that is many times referred to as feeling the presence of God, or they sit bored and wondering when it can all be over. This is like the mating rituals between birds. The two birds may fly back and forth repeatedly in their complicated mating dances communicating and both contributing, but if the male or the “speaker” fails to impress the female, she simply flies away. It is simply human courtesy that prevents many from doing the same.

This is referring to Essentials of Public Speaking the fourth edition by Cheryl Hamilton

Everyone is supposed to be happy... right?

Well, that's what they say anyway. I never understood this. Maybe for everyone else, this works. Maybe they all get to be happy with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, but for some reason, this doesn't worki for me. People always seem to have this friend that they can talk to, whenever they want, someone or even a group of people that they can go and hang out with over the summer and weekends and breaks off of school. It is there for everybody. Everyone but me. People will only talk to me if I call them first, or if I bring up the fact that they were horrified that I spend every summer alone and promised to get me out of the house this year. But, I never do this. I won't remind them that I exist, that I am a person to, that they told me that we would hang out. This is hard for me.

It's like when realizing that my "friends" aren't really all there like they are for their other friends. Like realizing that your so-called best friend didn't really care when your friendship ended. When that happens, you realize that your entire friendship was a lie, and she doesn't care that everything is gone, that she doesn't care how much she hurt you, she doesn't care that everything she ever said, everything that she told you about your friendship together was a lie. Everything that you guys had said that you would do in the future, that it never will happen, and she knew that all along, and she doesn't care about what had been planned, she feels no loss in the loss of your friendship. She was done using you for the moment, and now she can go to her real friends. Maybe you try, you keep your mind open and when she comes to you, you tell her what she did wrong, yet she makes no effort to change anything. You look inside and see all of the pain that was inflicted, she had begun to fix your broken heart, and she took it rebroke it, and put it through a shredder, and she didn't take a second look at what she did to you.

Then you end up by yourself over the summer again. I know that I am going to spend the summer by myself, despite the people who promised to get me out of my house, where I am right now, by myself. Like always. I want desperately to be like everyone else. Maybe not in the sense that it seems though. I remember that one time, my friend said that she wished that she could be like me and fit in to so many groups of people. The thing that she didn't realize is that all those people may be friends, but they aren't FRIENDS. When ever they go places, I don't get invited with the group, because I don't fit in. She saw that I could go anywhere, but they are more like acquaintances, people who I can talk to, but that I don't hang out with. So, like every other summer of my life, I sit at home alone whole everyone else hangs out with friends and goes to the beach and has fun. Yet, for some reason, I miss people. I still want to talk to them, even though I know that this "friendship" isn't going to last (it never does for me), I want the company of people.

It's one of those things that you wish you could get used to; the hurt, the pain. I want desperately to get used to the pain of fake friendships, of the people who build up a lie, saying that they care about you, and that you'll always be friends, and that they won't leave you. Preparing and logging things for years from now is useless. I don't get to keep friends for that long. I am not that special. There is nothing special about me. Apparently, I don't have that thing that everyone else has that allows them to keep friends and keep people around them. All of this is going through my head all the time, but this is what I hide from people. I read books, and watch movies, and they feed into my fairy tale head, the one that says that I am going to live happily too. Then, every morning, a new wave of disappointment and hurt runs through me. I get reminded of all the empty promises and all of the fake friendships. Yet, for some reason, I let it continue. I continue to allow myself to trust people, to let myself get hurt, and every time, it just gets a little worse. It makes me hate myself.

You may say that people go through similar things all the time, and they all hurt to no end, and they are alone, and they hate themselves too. Well, those are the people that you usually see committing suicide. Taking their own lives. They have nothing else to live for. I refuse to do that. I refuse to take my own life, no matter the hurt. If anything, I will live for the everlasting life when I am dead. If anything, that is what I live for. That is the only thing that gets me up in the morning, and if not for that, I wouldn't be here anymore. I guess, I am thankful to have something in my life to look forward to, because it puts a dim light in a dark room. That's okay, because my room never lights up anyway, so the dim light saves me.