I love to hear him play you know. There's something in the way the notes blend together, and more importantly, in the way you blend yourself into the music. I love to feel the vibrations in the air, and to watch him... to feel him in the air. He doesn't understand why that's what I say that I love about him the most. If only he could see himself the way that I do when he plays. He is confident. He is strong. He is everything that he is when he plays, and yet there is so much more he can be. Even I can't explain the wonder I feel when he plays. How he draws me in, and makes my heart and soul stir. If only he could see through my eyes, feel through my skin.
He didn't play as he usually does. He had mistakes even I could recognize, and the sound was dead... I didn't feel. Of course as usual he was pleasant to listen to, and how entertaining. It was still enjoyable, but something was different and I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand what it could have been. I could feel that he and I had been tense. Was his lack of feeling my own fault? Did I do something to kill his music? True he played the music well... but it wasn't his music. It was... music. Though nothing near his.
I chase after him. I ask him to play for me. Classical music. No accompaniment. Just him.
It was beautiful. To follow the notes. I could feel him again. I could feel his nervousness, and yet in that he threw himself into the music. It was beautiful. I didn't even notice as the people came towards us and played.
I wish he could throw himself into his emotions like that all the time. It's never good to disconnect yourself.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hold On
Hold on to what is good,
Even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe in,
Even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
Even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life,
Even when it is easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
Even when I have gone away from you.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Happiness
What defines happiness? That is a question that i have struggled to figure out for a long time. How are you supposed to define a happy person. It cannot merely be acting happy. Anyone can act happy at any time, even if they are going through the deepest agony that they felt they could ever go through. How are you supposed to know if you are sincerely and truly happy at a certain point in time? How do you know that this "happiness" isn't just the result of practicing being happy for so long that now you seem a happy person? Life is too short to spend time being sad, angry, and hurt. While, as humans, these emotions seem so difficult to ignore or break away from, these things must happen for a person to live a good life. People have every right to feel hurt. But in this hurt, they can feel happiness coming from within. I know it sounds crazy, but it can happen. I've seen it, I understand it.
And on the topic of a human's short life, is it really so short? Or is it that life seems so short because of the wasted time doing things that don't matter at all? People waste their time with allowing themselves to stay angry, and by doing things that in reality shouldn't matter to them at all because it holds no benefit to their life in the end. In the end, it will just be wasted time. And maybe this is what makes life feel so short, as if we needed to find some way to give ourselves an excuse for the things that we may do. Life is too short, we say, to not enjoy it in the way we want to. But is this really true? Or are we just lying to ourselves to we don't feel guilt for the things we as humans have done?
And on the topic of a human's short life, is it really so short? Or is it that life seems so short because of the wasted time doing things that don't matter at all? People waste their time with allowing themselves to stay angry, and by doing things that in reality shouldn't matter to them at all because it holds no benefit to their life in the end. In the end, it will just be wasted time. And maybe this is what makes life feel so short, as if we needed to find some way to give ourselves an excuse for the things that we may do. Life is too short, we say, to not enjoy it in the way we want to. But is this really true? Or are we just lying to ourselves to we don't feel guilt for the things we as humans have done?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Giggly Tidbits
He. Me. Laughter. Right now it is unexplainable. That, and I feel like a foolish giggly girl. Is it not possible for me to simply spend time with a friend of mine, who is of the opposite sex, and not feel so giggly?
Yes. I know they exist. I have several of them, but why now? Why while I'm healing? Healed. To be truly healed though, I must be healed for a span of time... So I may be healed, but I am still healing. I was hurt. I had been hurt. He asked about it... and tried to make me feel better about it all.
We talked about the nonsensical... And I wanted to be close to him. I liked being close to him. It was not instant attraction. It is not even strong attraction... and yet I was. Why? How? Just a thought. A tidbit. Am I alone in this? Is it just me? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has thought this before.
He was so changed from my memory... And that was only two years ago. He has lost that squishy teddy bear look to him, and now... He is growing into a young man... More then that, a young gentleman. He is taller, leaner, his face elongated.
What did he see when he looked at me? Had I changed? It may feel like it was long ago when we met, but in the terms of a lifetime, it was just a blink of an eye...I wonder what I look like now, to those I haven't seen in the longest time... What do they think of me?
Or am I still that child? Am I still that loud little girl? I don't feel as if I have changed... I rather feel that I am very much the same.
Yes. I know they exist. I have several of them, but why now? Why while I'm healing? Healed. To be truly healed though, I must be healed for a span of time... So I may be healed, but I am still healing. I was hurt. I had been hurt. He asked about it... and tried to make me feel better about it all.
We talked about the nonsensical... And I wanted to be close to him. I liked being close to him. It was not instant attraction. It is not even strong attraction... and yet I was. Why? How? Just a thought. A tidbit. Am I alone in this? Is it just me? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has thought this before.
He was so changed from my memory... And that was only two years ago. He has lost that squishy teddy bear look to him, and now... He is growing into a young man... More then that, a young gentleman. He is taller, leaner, his face elongated.
What did he see when he looked at me? Had I changed? It may feel like it was long ago when we met, but in the terms of a lifetime, it was just a blink of an eye...I wonder what I look like now, to those I haven't seen in the longest time... What do they think of me?
Or am I still that child? Am I still that loud little girl? I don't feel as if I have changed... I rather feel that I am very much the same.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Suffering is Joy?
As I was going through all of the posts on this blog, and trying to label each blog entry concerning it's topic, something came across my mind. Why is it that so many of my entries are so unhappy? Is it that I am an unhappy person at heart, despite my "bubblyness"? Is it possibly that I truly can't tap into the happy state of mind that I at least seem to put myself out as? I cannot even begin to enter the realm of being able to say "I am truly happy". Or can I? I suppose it would depend on your definition of happiness at first.
A friend of mine used to say that true happiness cannot exist, because when one is happy all the time, they forget sadness and it becomes non-existent for them. And with the philosophy that cold is only the absence of heat, one could state that happiness is only the absence of sadness. What if it was the other way around though? What if sadness is the absence of happiness?
Then this thought crossed my mind: "Why isn't the great question of happiness wildly discussed?"
The greatest philosophers in the history of all mankind have questioned happiness, why doesn't the common man? Great philosophers accepted sadness, and the common man questions it?
Perhaps those great philosophers have accepted the fact that sadness exists in our lives. If one is to dwell in their sadness they can never receive the joy from the things in life that give it out. The common man though searches to escape suffering... What if the key to our suffering is our suffering itself?
I don't write about my happy thoughts or feelings as often, because I am contented to stew in my joy and hold onto it for as long as I can. When I am sad... I write to try and push all that sadness out of me, and to get past that sadness to reach my joy. To try and turn fortune's wheel a little bit faster. I, like the rest of society, don't want to suffer. Yet these great thinkers among men have accepted their suffering and lived perfectly wonderful lives. In a sense, because they were doing what they wanted to do, they were happy.
When we suffer, we appreciate those happy moments more. When we are happy those suffering moments are all the more distant. Most definitely not similar to a state of balanced equilibrium, chemically speaking. So maybe those philosophers do have it right. Maybe we were made to suffer, so that happy moments are all the better for us. Like yin and yang, you can't have one without the other. You cannot be happy if you have never been sad. You cannot feel joy if you have never suffered.
So perhaps it is this, for you my readers. It is not that I am not a happy person. It is not that I can't tap into the happy parts of myself when I write. It is not that I am a young girl obsessed with the drama of life. It is that when I am happy, I am at peace.
A friend of mine used to say that true happiness cannot exist, because when one is happy all the time, they forget sadness and it becomes non-existent for them. And with the philosophy that cold is only the absence of heat, one could state that happiness is only the absence of sadness. What if it was the other way around though? What if sadness is the absence of happiness?
Then this thought crossed my mind: "Why isn't the great question of happiness wildly discussed?"
The greatest philosophers in the history of all mankind have questioned happiness, why doesn't the common man? Great philosophers accepted sadness, and the common man questions it?
Perhaps those great philosophers have accepted the fact that sadness exists in our lives. If one is to dwell in their sadness they can never receive the joy from the things in life that give it out. The common man though searches to escape suffering... What if the key to our suffering is our suffering itself?
I don't write about my happy thoughts or feelings as often, because I am contented to stew in my joy and hold onto it for as long as I can. When I am sad... I write to try and push all that sadness out of me, and to get past that sadness to reach my joy. To try and turn fortune's wheel a little bit faster. I, like the rest of society, don't want to suffer. Yet these great thinkers among men have accepted their suffering and lived perfectly wonderful lives. In a sense, because they were doing what they wanted to do, they were happy.
When we suffer, we appreciate those happy moments more. When we are happy those suffering moments are all the more distant. Most definitely not similar to a state of balanced equilibrium, chemically speaking. So maybe those philosophers do have it right. Maybe we were made to suffer, so that happy moments are all the better for us. Like yin and yang, you can't have one without the other. You cannot be happy if you have never been sad. You cannot feel joy if you have never suffered.
So perhaps it is this, for you my readers. It is not that I am not a happy person. It is not that I can't tap into the happy parts of myself when I write. It is not that I am a young girl obsessed with the drama of life. It is that when I am happy, I am at peace.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Born a Man. Lived a Hero. Died a Legend.
A young country’s fight for freedom was hindered the day that Ferdinand Marcos was elected President of the Philippines. A man born to an upper class family, whose real father was a prominent Chinese judge, Marcos was given all the benefits of life, and excelled at all that he did both academically and physically. Despite past accusations of being a murderer, Marcos was a popular candidate until the day Marcos executed martial law over the nation, dissolving its constitution and jailing his enemies. One such enemy was Benigno Aquino. Ninoy Aquino had a stellar reputation in politics, the youngest mayor ever elected, as well as the youngest senator. He was the first and only member of his party to be elected to senator, and thus was a fierce enemy to Marcos. Ninoy was brilliant, a great speaker, ambitious, and loved by the people. He was the obvious choice for president when Marcos was to step down in 1973 after his maximum two terms. Right before the end of his term Marcos refused to give up power, and became a tyrant. Ninoy Aquino was like any other man and lived his life in his way, became an extraordinary man for his principles, and continued his work as a legend after his death.
On November 27th, 1932, Ninoy Aquino was born in Luzon to an illustrious family. Son of a senator and wealthy landowner, grandson of a legendary Military General, and set to have an inheritance of his own, from birth Ninoy was primed for politics. As a teenager out of high school, he worked for the Manila Times, and at seventeen was sent to report on the war between north and South Korea. When he returned home and finished with college, he was elected Mayor at the age of twenty two, and then went on to be senator. It was during this time that he met, and married Corazon Cojoangco, who would go on to continue his work, and take his place as the Philippines’ next president. Ninoy and Corazon, fondly nicknamed Cory, had five children during their time together, who would also go on to continue their parent’s fight for freedom.
Ninoy told the people, “The Filipino is worth dying for”. What other could he speak of but freedom? The freedom for the individual that the Filipinos had only just gained from the United States after so much fighting was what Ninoy held so dear to him. For centuries the Philippines had been a colony, but now they had their freedom, and Marcos was destroying it. Ninoy was fighting in the political ring, and he gained so much support, not because he could sway the crowd with words, but because he sincerely cared about the individual. The individual was the key for the Philippines to grow and prosper, and it was corruption such that Marcos’ had that suppressed the individual. Ninoy Aquino had a strong faith in God, and continued fighting in the way that he knew how to. He was a shining star for the people of the Philippines, and so the day he was gunned down was the day the people fought hardest for him.
In 1980, Ninoy was allowed to go to the United States for a heart bypass surgery; there he stayed for three years, before finally returning to his beloved people in 1983. Marcos may have declared himself leader of the country, but the people turned to Ninoy. As Ninoy Aquino stepped off the plane at Manila National Airport to crowds of Filipinos, awaiting the return of their true leader, he was shot and killed on the scene. Three years later, Marcos surprised the nation by calling for presidential elections. The Laban party turned to Ninoy’s widower Cory, and begged her to run. After persuasion, Cory decided to take up arms in the manner her husband did, and continue his fight. The results came to be that Marcos was the winner, but Cory and her party challenged the results. Soon after the Military renounced Marcos as the winner and declared Corazon Aquino rightful president of the Philippines. On February 25, 1986, both candidates were sworn into the presidency by their respective parties. On that same day Ferdinand Marcos fled the country, and lived in exile until the day of his death. On that day the Philippines had its first female president, and she had freed them from years under a dictator.
Ninoy Aquino was born a man like any other, his struggle through life made him a hero, and his death made him a legend. To this day his work is continued, in the fight for freedom, and the voice of the individual within the corrupted Filipino government. His children continued his work as their mother aged. Kris Aquino is now a celebrity, and uses her position to constantly fight corruption, and perform charitable acts throughout the country. Ninoy’s son, Benigno Aquino the third, or Noynoy Aquino, is now the president elect. On June 30, 2010 he will be sworn into office as the President of the Philippines, and has expressed that he will continue with the same ideals that his parents head before him. What thing is there greater to fight for, but freedom?
On November 27th, 1932, Ninoy Aquino was born in Luzon to an illustrious family. Son of a senator and wealthy landowner, grandson of a legendary Military General, and set to have an inheritance of his own, from birth Ninoy was primed for politics. As a teenager out of high school, he worked for the Manila Times, and at seventeen was sent to report on the war between north and South Korea. When he returned home and finished with college, he was elected Mayor at the age of twenty two, and then went on to be senator. It was during this time that he met, and married Corazon Cojoangco, who would go on to continue his work, and take his place as the Philippines’ next president. Ninoy and Corazon, fondly nicknamed Cory, had five children during their time together, who would also go on to continue their parent’s fight for freedom.
Ninoy told the people, “The Filipino is worth dying for”. What other could he speak of but freedom? The freedom for the individual that the Filipinos had only just gained from the United States after so much fighting was what Ninoy held so dear to him. For centuries the Philippines had been a colony, but now they had their freedom, and Marcos was destroying it. Ninoy was fighting in the political ring, and he gained so much support, not because he could sway the crowd with words, but because he sincerely cared about the individual. The individual was the key for the Philippines to grow and prosper, and it was corruption such that Marcos’ had that suppressed the individual. Ninoy Aquino had a strong faith in God, and continued fighting in the way that he knew how to. He was a shining star for the people of the Philippines, and so the day he was gunned down was the day the people fought hardest for him.
In 1980, Ninoy was allowed to go to the United States for a heart bypass surgery; there he stayed for three years, before finally returning to his beloved people in 1983. Marcos may have declared himself leader of the country, but the people turned to Ninoy. As Ninoy Aquino stepped off the plane at Manila National Airport to crowds of Filipinos, awaiting the return of their true leader, he was shot and killed on the scene. Three years later, Marcos surprised the nation by calling for presidential elections. The Laban party turned to Ninoy’s widower Cory, and begged her to run. After persuasion, Cory decided to take up arms in the manner her husband did, and continue his fight. The results came to be that Marcos was the winner, but Cory and her party challenged the results. Soon after the Military renounced Marcos as the winner and declared Corazon Aquino rightful president of the Philippines. On February 25, 1986, both candidates were sworn into the presidency by their respective parties. On that same day Ferdinand Marcos fled the country, and lived in exile until the day of his death. On that day the Philippines had its first female president, and she had freed them from years under a dictator.
Ninoy Aquino was born a man like any other, his struggle through life made him a hero, and his death made him a legend. To this day his work is continued, in the fight for freedom, and the voice of the individual within the corrupted Filipino government. His children continued his work as their mother aged. Kris Aquino is now a celebrity, and uses her position to constantly fight corruption, and perform charitable acts throughout the country. Ninoy’s son, Benigno Aquino the third, or Noynoy Aquino, is now the president elect. On June 30, 2010 he will be sworn into office as the President of the Philippines, and has expressed that he will continue with the same ideals that his parents head before him. What thing is there greater to fight for, but freedom?
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tired
I am writing this while i am so tired that i think that i have passed the point of tired and have gotten to the point where i just don’t know what the heck is going on. Of course, this means that I am going to have to write an essay that is due tonight… not the best thing in the world. I am 98% sure that i am barely coherent (vocab word!) and don’t really even know what the heck i am talking about. the only think that i can think of right now is that I like music and that my eyes feel like giant puff-balls. And for some reason this seems rather funny to me. Well, since i am supposed to be writing an essay right now… i better get to that. MUSIC ROCKS!!! <3
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