He's happy.

So now tell me why I'm so upset?
Why do I feel so threatened? Why don't I want this to happen when I've been pushing it along, and advocating it all along?

I disappear for a while... then decide to write again only to see that he's written again too... and that he's happy.

This moment. I said those words. Capturing a memory. a beautiful, wonderful memory, of how much I laughed, and smiled, and learned, and loved, all in three years. We were... inseperable, indescribable, beautiful. I miss sitting with him and just talking. I remember we would talk all through school... then for hours at home, then once it was time for bed... We'd talk again until four in the morning. I'm not sure how we did this, and I most certainly can't remember what we talked about (if you're willing to do the math... we did that practically every day for 3 years...) but I remember we never ran out of things to say... things to learn about each other, things to think about. That's what was beautiful about him, he would always think, and always feel so comfortable in voicing them to me. He was always thinking of something... his mind went a million miles a minute, and yet he was able to talk with me, and when I didn't understand explain... The way he thought, and what he thought about shaped my manner of thought that I can never forget. When I think about comfort in a relationship, I remember those days spent cuddled on my bed doing homework, just laughing and talking for hours... Then all of the nights spent whispering into the phone for even longer.

He is happy. Experiencing life without me. It was only recently that we talked and made the realization that the other is quite aware of the impact we had made in their lives... What we had tried to do. The mark we had attempted to leave... That all of that had happened in so much more. As nice as it would be, I can be honest in saying that I don't want, or need, a relationship with him at all now. I don't want to have him in my life again. I think about him once in a while yes, but that's all. I never think about wanting him in my life again... It's not that it's not something I wouldn't welcome, but it's most certainly not something I ponder. If that's understandable at all. Curse me for being unable to express myself.

I don't feel comfortable talking to him anymore. That's too harsh a statement...  but isn't it true in a way now? I don't know how or why... but I need this retreat again. I need to write here again. I can't talk to him about this... I simply can't bring myself to. Will he be angry at me again? Will he find me silly again? Will he say that I am being unreasonable or illogical again? Who ever said that I was trying to be logical when I was talking to you about how I felt? There were even times where I blatantly stated I know this sounds silly, or stupid but....
Yes. I'm aware it's silly, and stupid, and childish, but that is how I am feeling and who are you to judge what I feel? My boyfriend. Right. Well those are the things I feel. Those are the things I think. Am I supposed to change that? When I start feeling upset and you tell me things that are just making me feel stupid for what I feel?
Well I feel all right.

I just don't want to tell you... Partially because of all of the above, but also because maybe her friendship in your life will be important. Maybe there's more there. I am perfectly content with where I stand with Ryan right now... but you don't feel the same with her.