He's happy.

So now tell me why I'm so upset?
Why do I feel so threatened? Why don't I want this to happen when I've been pushing it along, and advocating it all along?

I disappear for a while... then decide to write again only to see that he's written again too... and that he's happy.

This moment. I said those words. Capturing a memory. a beautiful, wonderful memory, of how much I laughed, and smiled, and learned, and loved, all in three years. We were... inseperable, indescribable, beautiful. I miss sitting with him and just talking. I remember we would talk all through school... then for hours at home, then once it was time for bed... We'd talk again until four in the morning. I'm not sure how we did this, and I most certainly can't remember what we talked about (if you're willing to do the math... we did that practically every day for 3 years...) but I remember we never ran out of things to say... things to learn about each other, things to think about. That's what was beautiful about him, he would always think, and always feel so comfortable in voicing them to me. He was always thinking of something... his mind went a million miles a minute, and yet he was able to talk with me, and when I didn't understand explain... The way he thought, and what he thought about shaped my manner of thought that I can never forget. When I think about comfort in a relationship, I remember those days spent cuddled on my bed doing homework, just laughing and talking for hours... Then all of the nights spent whispering into the phone for even longer.

He is happy. Experiencing life without me. It was only recently that we talked and made the realization that the other is quite aware of the impact we had made in their lives... What we had tried to do. The mark we had attempted to leave... That all of that had happened in so much more. As nice as it would be, I can be honest in saying that I don't want, or need, a relationship with him at all now. I don't want to have him in my life again. I think about him once in a while yes, but that's all. I never think about wanting him in my life again... It's not that it's not something I wouldn't welcome, but it's most certainly not something I ponder. If that's understandable at all. Curse me for being unable to express myself.

I don't feel comfortable talking to him anymore. That's too harsh a statement...  but isn't it true in a way now? I don't know how or why... but I need this retreat again. I need to write here again. I can't talk to him about this... I simply can't bring myself to. Will he be angry at me again? Will he find me silly again? Will he say that I am being unreasonable or illogical again? Who ever said that I was trying to be logical when I was talking to you about how I felt? There were even times where I blatantly stated I know this sounds silly, or stupid but....
Yes. I'm aware it's silly, and stupid, and childish, but that is how I am feeling and who are you to judge what I feel? My boyfriend. Right. Well those are the things I feel. Those are the things I think. Am I supposed to change that? When I start feeling upset and you tell me things that are just making me feel stupid for what I feel?
Well I feel all right.

I just don't want to tell you... Partially because of all of the above, but also because maybe her friendship in your life will be important. Maybe there's more there. I am perfectly content with where I stand with Ryan right now... but you don't feel the same with her.

Secretly... For some reason... I'm not even sure why...

... but she is a threat to me. I want so badly for you to be close with her in the way you want to be, but quite honestly it will tear me apart inside. I can't entirely explain why. I'm certain it's not entirely based on jealousy, I'm not quite so much of a hypocrite, although I'm certain there are hints of it here and there.
Maybe she does things for you that mean something to you, and all those wonderful things, but even Chase knows to never cross those lines with me again.
I saw the text message and somehow I already knew. I didn't need to be told it was her. You didn't need to nonchalantly in that round-about way of yours tell me that you've now memorized her phone number, and "inadvertently" tell me it was her.
Ditch me on Friday because "a friend" wants to have lunch. Why couldn't you just say it was her then? It would be easier than just avoiding all of it.
What bothers me the most is that it's as if you were forcing this. Working so hard at this, manipulating her in the way you know how to, and yet are so frustrated about how she manipulates you. You said your goodbye, and my heart felt lighter, because I thought you had come to a conclusion. When I asked you if you were sure that's what you wanted to do you were stubborn and said yes. Now that she's attempted to communicate again after you said you pushed her away for good, you state it was only to manipulate her into communicating with you?

I don't know why, but I'm confused and hurt by this. Give me a little time and it will fade. You won't talk to her and these thoughts and feelings will disappear until you decide to bring her up again. Perhaps you'll get what you want and have a relationship with her and I'll simply have to learn to live with it. Who knows what will happen.

Self Destructive Tendencies

Have my experiences really been so horrible?

Maybe I'm just over reacting and being emotional but you know what. I"m angry. I'm angry and upset, and I hate going to bed upset. I hate it so much.
I hung up- God am I really writing about something so trivial and stupid?
I hung up because I had upset you, and I dont' want to do that. Because I'm stupid and getting clingy and am going to miss you this week. So yeah. I hung up on you because I miss you. Sorry i'm stupid.

But you know what. fuck you. fuck this shit. fuck today. fuck your birthday present. just fuck my life okay. fuck your temper. fuck your attitude. stop being a little bitch about it, man up. Your girlfriend hung up on you because she's freaking out okay?

Freaking out because the thoughts of is this going to really work, are creeping into my head.
freaking out because today i caught myself checking out another guy. freaking out because some guy gave me his phone numnber and i actually saved it to my phone. deleted it right after. but still i saved it.
i'm freaking out because my self destructive tendencies are kicking in again and here they are. but you know what?
fuck you for not being there through it. fuck you for adding a smiley face when you're angry. just fuck you because all i can think about is you. fuck you for me wanting to be with you. just fuck it all okay?

Mitchell-

You're ridiculous. Now that this has been established, I'm sorry. There were so many things I could have done differently, and we both know we're not at fault. I'm willing to own up to my mistakes. I never should have gotten so close to Tom. I never should have even come close to that situation. So many things that I could have done differently, so many things that could have gone right.
I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. I'm sorry that I'm not with you right this second, loving you the way I had wanted to, holding your hand, perfectly happy, and loving you.
I wanted that, all of that. To explore you as a person and to grow as me as a person and all of that.
I'm sorry that I'm a child, unknowledgeable, lost, and confused.
I can't even express this amalgam of emotions inside of me right now, the weight on my mind, on my shoulders, in my heart, pressing against me threatening to both explode and crush me all at the same time.
I will own up to my faults, because they were awful and I'm sorry for all of them. If you asked it of me I'll say them out loud and get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, if you were willing to do the same for yours.

Did you really think only a handful of days of you beginning to change was going to make up for the weeks of arguing and not seeing you and my own confusion?
Your pride, your stubborn quality, clashed with my own. I'll admit it. I am proud, I am stubborn, and I am a fool- but I am not fool enough that I would let it cloud my vision from the truth.
I understand you have priorities, as did I. You had your studies and your family, I had mine. You had your friends, as did I. I refuse to bend for my friends, I made changes in my habits with them to please you. I changed, molded, gave in, bent who I was, and sacrificed intimate times with people who were my friends for your own sake. For your comfort, for your joy. What was I to give you that I didn't give them you always asked me. What was I to give you?
I gave you effort. Time with them came effortlessly, it had to be worked at with you. They didn't have my kisses, my love, my heart in their hands. Friends are companions. I don't enter romantic relationships lightly I hope you understand.
I constantly think of you every day, and I miss you, but I know that you and I simply cannot be together no matter how much I wish it could be that way.
I met someone, and I love him, much like how I love you. This young man though communicates, doesn't shrug things off. He doesn't hide from me, we have so much in common. I am myself effortlessly with him.
He is my friend first and foremost and will always remain so. If it were in his best interests for me to simply be a friend, or even completely removed from his life then I would oblige because all I want is his happiness, much like what I want for you.
I love you Mitchell, and I want your happiness. Being with you forced so much effort out of me. I should have enjoyed that effort though. It should have been effortless to put effort into our relationship, instead it was a boon, and a bane to my existence during that time. This is why I simply can't be with you.

So now that I feel dejected, like an awful person, and go back and be reminded of my past and awful things, and secrets; Now that I hate myself just a little bit more, and am again reminded of my flaws, of my existence as a human being, I feel like curling into a ball and just lying there, thinking, hating myself, forcing myself to suffer, and I'll admit it right now I feel unhappy, but amidst all of this there are a few things that I know.

There are people who will love me regardless of this.

I love you regardless of this.

I want you to be happy.

With all of my love,
Paulina

P.S. I'm sorry if things are harsh, or accusatory, or whatever they come off as, even if it's something good. I just... Not thinking simply feeling, not censoring? I'm not sure even what to say. I'm just feeling very in the moment.

I'm sorry for being a hypocrite. I tried so hard to tear your walls down, so hard to get past them because I know that I had gone the farthest into that maze of your mind than any other person. I wanted to tear your walls down because I thought that was what was best for you. I thought that I knew what was best for you, but now I look back and see my own foolishness. I'm sorry my love for doing that to you. For destroying who you were without ensuring you would be safe once we took out the things that were hurting you. Instead I tore down walls and your world came crashing down. I am so incredibly sorry.
Now I realize that I have my own walls, my own failings, my own insecurities. I am so used to being the strong one, but now it is I who am weak. I am the broken one, the hidden one, the young one, the scared one, the... I'm not even sure how to finish, what to say. I'm amazed at this revelation of myself.
I have walls. I am not strong. I am not powerful, and I never will be the person I want to be until that weak, scared, pitiful, vulnerable part of myself grows up.

So I'm sorry for insisting your walls break down, for being mad at you that they didn't come down, and for hurting you in a way that I didn't understand at the time.

This is My Vulnerability

Welcome to just a facet of me, part of my insides that so few see. Welcome to this place where so many tears have been shed; so many thoughts, words, opinions, ideas, feelings, everything. Don't hate me for what's on here. Don't run, don't hide, don't judge. Simply to know.